When Patience Is Tested And Respect Is Bound To Be Lost - Aplogies For The Major Rant

I work in shifts and I sometimes leave home at 5:45 am. Today is one such day.
This morning my MIL woke up when I was dressing up. It was 5:15 am and I was packing my bag.
MIL said she needs to talk to me this evening. I asked her what is it about. "Its about how well you are behaving with your MIL and how respectful you are to the food that your MIL prepares and how irresponsible you are towards the house.You don't wash the dishes and my son does not like dishwasher. It is expensive. I raised my son and got him educated despite so many hardships.I let him marry you - who came from a different religion and faith. You do not respect any of that. We need to talk about this."

I sent a message to my manager saying I would be late to work by an hour because of a personal emergency and I highly apologize the inconvenience. I told her that we can discuss this right away. She asked for explanation for the change in my behaviour.

I sat down with a coffee, a smile and said, "I don't prefer starting my day like this mom, but while its a hot topic lets work on this and close it off. Its not worthy enough to be carried all the way till evening. There are better things in life. Mom, simply put, I am tired and exhausted of being the good DIL. Elaborately - I am married for almost 12 years. You have 3 sons. Out of all the three sons you chose to stay with the youngest for more than 10 years now, including your abroad stay. Had I not behaved well, you would not have lived with us for so long. You would not have had a control on kitchen/groceries/clothes/gold everything in my life. I am 35 now and a mom of 2 kids, I CANNOT change. This is me. Take it or leave it. all you need is your son and the 2 grand kids. They eat what you cook. They talk to you and keep you occupied. You don't care if I am alive or dead. You get what you give. That's what is happening now.

Just the way you got your son educated, my parents educated me too. In fact I lived alone in hostels because both my parents died even before I was 18. You did not raise me. You did not fund my education. You raised your own kid. That's your responsibility. Not a sacrifice. Coming to the wedding - you did not do me any favor. From the day I got married I have always paid the monthly expenses in the house - just the way I paid in hostels. I knew this day would come. If you were not happy for your son to marry me, you should have spoken up then - not after 12 years of marriage and kids. And as I said, if he is ready, please go ahead with his second marriage - I dont care, I am a self made woman and thats how I am going to be - irrespective of someone's approval.
I respect my parents sacrifices and how well they planned for my education that even after they died I could do my masters without depending on anyone's help. If any, ask your son to respect your sacrifices, I am not here to prove my respect towards anyone at the cost of my self respect. Sorry for that mom.

Regarding the food, when there is no food, what do you expect me to respect ? empty dishes? You wont cook enough for me and when I eat out you get offended. What do you want me to do ? Starve? I came from middle class family just like you all and I can adjust very well to any situation. But if you do this on purpose, One day I can eat curd and rice. but not daily ! Would you do this to the other DILs - No. You know how wild their husbands get if you treat them any less than queens. But you cant stand if my husband supports me and if he is okay when I eat out. Its not fair that you take advantage of me being quiet and not sharing any of your tantrums with DH. Its not because I do not know how to share, its just that I prefer to avoid your talks between us and use that time to talk something more useful or fun. Now, he is seeing you do this. He can see and estimate how much is cooked and if its enough for 3 adults and 2 kids or not. He is not a baby. He is a man and a dad for 2 kids. He does not need to be told - he is smart enough to see and understand whats going on. "

She tried interrupting in between but I stopped her and said, "mom you wanted an elaborate explanation. I am giving you exactly what you wanted. Now please listen and let me complete.

House chores - I clean up the house every other day, mop the floors, vacuum the house , clean the toilets and do what not !! Still, you have to advertise to the whole relative fraternity that I cannot do anything in the house. I respect your words and hence decided that I do no know how to do stuff. A d stopped doing any work because now I don't know how to do work.You wont appreciate my help in the kitchen, you have a problem with the way I dry the clothes, though you do it the exact same way ! You have an issue if I use dishwasher and you wash all those dishes and make a tired face when DH gets home - why ?? Cant we use the dishwasher and live an easy life. I have no time to wash dishes like you. If your son has an issue as you mentioned, he knows where the soap is and where the scrub pad is. He can do the honors. Its his home too.But I am NOT doing the dishes.

I know you'd transfer all this to FIL and there is going to be a counselling session when we get to India this December. Sadly, I have no time to sit and listen to the drama. I have many things to do and people to visit. And yea, I am going to my uncle's place soon after Christmas. I have not yet decided how long I want to stay there.
Will let you know once I decide. If anyone has a problem, please let me know, i'll see what I can do. DH is very well aware of my visit to uncle's place and even if he has a problem there is nothing much I can do. "

Once I finished talking, I got up started to put my runners on and did not wait for her answer or further questions. I was just doing what I need to do to head out to work.

She was so upset and angry at my confrontation but there was nothing much I could do. DH woke up(it was almost 6:15 am) and was surprised to see that I wasn't gone yet. I told him that his mom wanted me to "talk" to her about my behavior and attitude and hence am going an hour late. DH did not ask a single question. When MIL tried saying something DH said, "ma, its between you and your DIL. please don't get me involved. my wife does not get me involved if she is unhappy with her MIL. whats between you two must be solved between you two, please don't tell me anything unless its a happy thing to share. She never says any complaint and same rule holds for you too. Lady, you head out, its getting late, try and meet me for a coffee this evening when you finish work."

 

Thanks Chocolate.
He is my only support system in the family. It's him who has been pushing me to take a stand. He doesn't want me take crap. He says it's an insult if his wife can't be independent and self respecting. But he does not appreciate it if I am rude to his parents so I talk softly but firmly and convey what I have to convey.

 

This was the agreement we made when we got married. He told me that he hates to get involved in any opinion difference between his mom n me. He said he prefers if I handle it on my own but not rudely. So when I talk he never takes sides, if he does, there will surely be a very valid point that I missed or misunderstood in whole discussion - at that point I stay quiet to see the issue from his side.
The idea is not to win the argument but to ensure DH and I don't fight after in-laws leave the place.

 

Am so so humbled and honoured.
I don't preach that DIL must be reacting to everything or must follow the in-laws to the core.
There should always be give and take. I have only been giving not realizing that I am here to receive as well - just like the other 2 DILs.
I could handle them to the max possible extent to the best of my ability.
I gave up now and DH knows the reason for this behaviour.
When I told them the discussion - they bother were like, "now you know why we cried and cried for a nuclear family"