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When Patience Is Tested And Respect Is Bound To Be Lost - Aplogies For The Major Rant

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by sbonigala, Oct 10, 2016.

  1. sbonigala

    sbonigala Platinum IL'ite

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    Your question was on my mind, so last night I asked him about this and if he was comfortable with my behavior, for which he said(rather gave a speech) ,

    "You have done what the my 2 SILs never bothered doing to my parents. Called them mom and dad, treated them like you'd treat your own parents and probably kids !
    Yes, I probably would have had a problem, had you behaved like this in the early years of our marriage - because I would have thought you don't understand my parents well.
    Mum had always been a very loving person. But once mum became MIL, something happened to her - I saw this with my eldest SIL and the second one too, I was in college had my own stuff to deal with, a girl friend, a bunch of male friends, beers and parties, exams, records - never actually bothered to even know whats going on. I was a young college chap and too careless about family drama

    After our wedding, I never knew that my mom was hurting you so much mentally. I was busy in my own world and you never said anything.
    You went to work in the morning and came back in the evening and I thought what could go wrong in the very limited hours that we were at home. When mom always wore your gold and you never wore any gold at all, you'd smile when I asked you why you don't wear any! I thought you don't like it - young girls don't deck up much so I dint bother about it.
    You'd eat very less - i thought you were on diet or so , but did not realize that there was no food left.
    Now that mom came here and I actually heard her and saw what all she can do - leaving no food for you, never bothering to cook enough for you, bad mouthing you to my cousins when we call India - I now realize that all these happened when we were lived in India and I never knew this and you never told me.
    I should have asked you - but i thought you have the liberty to tell me anything. I don't know why you never spoke but I am assuming you did that because you thought I'd feel bad to hear negative stuff about mum.
    Now after 12 years if I still expect you to take in the drama with grace, I feel I am ripping off the chance of being respected for who you are. You are not just a DIL, you are the mother for my kids. DD will be 10 this year and she can understand things now. I dont want her to grow up thinking her mom never had guts to speak or her dad never cared to end the drama.
    Above all, if the whole family wants you to stand up for yourself, doesn't that mean you are not wrong?
    We 3 brothers had a chat over drinks when you went to visit your uncle. We wanted to talk to dad about mom and tell him how much it hurts. But we all know that its not going to help at all. Dad and mom get super defensive of their actions. They wont accept or admit that they are wrong. any such discussion with dad would have made our holiday miserable. so we 3 chose to leave it.
    I am still happy because though you have defined the boundaries, after coming back to Aus, you still bother to call and check on their health and remind them of their medical appointments and dad's sugar levels. That should tell them that you are ready to take care of them, but you would not approve of that authoritative manipulative behavior.
    You have just started this - lets see with the next visit if mom changes.
    BTW, you look good in this night dress"

    That ended the discussion. And we decided that we wont talk about in-laws again, unless there is something worthy enough to discuss. But I must say, I am very happy that he actually understand the reason behind the behavior and not merely being a husband who nods his head for everything his wife does.
    I am just like any other woman, expecting a man to behave like a man and want him to be the head of the family and not someone who would like her man to dance to her tunes. When DH said all of the above, I ended up crying because I felt once again, that he still cares and makes an effort to ensure I am happy. This does not mean he loves his parents any less. Its just that he is trying to balance the roles - a son, a friend, a husband and a dad.
    When he tried consoling me, I said "you have not changed in all these years" He said ,"But you did, thodi moti hogayi hai" and laughed his heart out ::facepalm
     
    Last edited: Jan 13, 2017
    Rise, VaniVyas, songbird46 and 3 others like this.
  2. SGBV

    SGBV IL Hall of Fame

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    @sbonigala

    Your detailed articulation about the discussion with your H on this matter, reminded me of the same a few years back.

    Last time when I started that "old age home" thread, a person (not sure whether it was Rihana) asked me almost similar question that was asked her. That is
    I could not answer to that question in detail as you did here. But it was essentially the same.

    When I had in laws issues, I could not open up that with my H for long time. I suffered so much, while he paid a deaf ear to all my suffering.
    One day, I chose to tell him what went wrong, but he could not understand all this as he was not mentally prepared to understand this by then.
    Sadly my H was the oldest son, so he had no experience to know how far his mom could go with her DILs.
    That's what brought problems between us.

    Later on, I resorted to my own coping mechanism; thus fought back with MIL when and where it was necessary. I guarded myself, sometimes very bluntly and sometimes subtly, but the message went very clearly that I would no longer accept any crap in the name of relationships.

    To my surprise my H was on my side. This, I never expected.
    Everytime i did something to take control of my life, he supported me. He stood by me although his whole family turned against to it.
    In fact, I wasn't expecting his support by then. But it felt really great when he understands and accepts.
    Sometimes, I even thought whether he is doing this because that's how many husbands do. Just nods their heads to what wives say after marriage.
    But he was clear.

    Later on, when his bro's married and had their own family issues with PILs, they too turned around towards us and supported.
    In fact, my younger co-sis was very good at giving back. She would nip it at the bud, so MIL wouldn't dare to abuse her further.

    Recently I asked my H when he supported me over a Chapati issue, when my MIL accused me of making hard chapatis, thus she was almost ready to throw my chapatis away to make some fresh ones for the H and kids. This happened at our home when my mom was out on tour, so MIL came in to support with the kids.
    For my surprise, my H intervened, and gave it back very nicely to her.

    That's when I asked him the reasons. He said, almost the same as your DH. In fact, he apologized for not being able to understand the wrong manners of his mom - who has always been a nice queen to him. He said, he later discussed this with his friends, learnt from others and finally concluded with his brothers that his queen mom has changed to an evil when it comes to her DILs.
    That's when he decided to intervene and protect me. He appreciates me for standing up on my own without depending on him too much, or hurting myself on this process.
    I almost do not bring in laws matter to our personal life now.

    This is the only mechanism he knows for now. He may chose to stay away from his parents or cut all the ties with them, so that he and his wife would no longer required to defend like this. But he knows that this is not what he or his wife want.

    Life was very much tiring initially. The transition wasn't better either. But now, there are some stability. There are some understanding. In the future, it all could turn out to be sweet memories. That time, all we have is love and affection with no guilt.

    Had he chosen to stay away from his blood relatives for this, life would have been constantly the same as it is now. But there will be some guilt all the time. That's why we think it is better.
     
    creativemumma and MNR like this.
  3. sbonigala

    sbonigala Platinum IL'ite

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    @SGBV

    Very happy to read your story. Am glad things worked out for you.
    DH and I are also very clear with what I am doing. I do not want to take crap just because I want to save the relationship. such relationship is not worth the efforts and pain.
     
    Kiran6, Meghaa and SGBV like this.
  4. yellowmango

    yellowmango IL Hall of Fame

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    @sbonigala
    You are a very forgiving woman....
     
    Last edited: Jan 13, 2017
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  5. Vennella

    Vennella Gold IL'ite

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    @sbonigala
    You guys are so articulate talking to each other! Man how i wish i had that skill. I can't even talk to myself with such clarity.
     
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  6. Rise

    Rise Platinum IL'ite

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    Your posts show how loving you are even when people do you wrong
     
  7. Kiran6

    Kiran6 Bronze IL'ite

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    Great.... you are really inspiring...
    Here my condition is similar but I do not have a supportive husband... He is nice to me... very supportive .... but even if he knows everything about his family behavior... he cannot take it and stand up for me in front of them ... because its his family..

    So I have learned to handle it myself... No complaints about in laws goes to my DH ,... just ignore them...

    and myin-laws screw up my husband by bad mouthing about me to him ... PILs and SILs give silent treatment to him for not shouting at me... nothing worked out for them... they will find out a new strategy...

    But the worst part is my MILs and SILs give silent treatment to me and talk to their son in a very nice (when I am not there around) and do brain washing...

    U were able to handle your MIL successfully (feeling jealous of you for getting such a wonderful MIL) because most of the times she was direct .....not like mine... its too difficult to handle people who do things when are I am not there around....

    Some one tell me how to handle these people who go at the back of you and do all stuff,,,,
     

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