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When Patience Is Tested And Respect Is Bound To Be Lost - Aplogies For The Major Rant

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by sbonigala, Oct 10, 2016.

  1. sbonigala

    sbonigala Platinum IL'ite

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    Mocking started but in a new style, just the way you mentioned.
    A very close relative from in-laws side was unwell. We went to visit her and my MIL came along. After talking to this unwell aunt for a while, I sat down with my grown up nephews(unwell aunt's grandsons) who are doing masters now and started discussing their course. They were asking about career opportunities and stuff like that and while this was going on their mum comes and says how lucky my MIL is to have a DIL like me and how she was worried if her sons would be able to find a noble girl like me when they decide to get married. And she said I was lucky to have a daughter because sons are so unpredictable these days.
    And my MIL added how sons turn away from their parents after marriage sooner or later and she went on and on.
    And this akka was saying correct correct to whatever my MIL was saying.

    I heard and heard and heard and finally said, "akka please stop. Do you ever give a thought about how your three sons must be feeling every time you say its a blessing to have a daughter? In a way you are actually saying your sons are good for nothing. They are no more boys, they are men now - working and earning their livelihood and also supporting you financially and you choose not to consider them blessing ! You are teacher for God's sake and you talk about a gender being great and another not so great ! Why do you think sons change after marriage ? Its because they finally get that respect from a woman(wife who considers them a blessing) which moms like you never bothered giving them and never considered them a blessing ! Instead of worrying how your DIL would be, try and do what it takes to have a decent relationship with your DIL. Dialogs like "daughters are blessing" are enough to make your son lose that respect for you, you say that once in some frustration it may be okay but constantly ?? am sorry akka, but you should really stop it. And yes I am just a DIL to my MIL. Am not saying we are not on good terms but we are not amazing either, MIL cannot be my mum, I cannot be her daughter. We just try and manage not to scream howl and fight in front of others, that's all ! I choose to keep the drama confined to our home.
    I have been seeing your sons from their school days and let me tell you you have gems, please thank God for that. "
    She was quiet the whole time and when I finished she said what I said was right and that she should not expect her future DIL to be her daughter neither should she try and replace her DILs mom. And when we were leaving she thanked me for reminding her that she was a teacher and a teacher thinking like this is not great at all.
     
    songbird46, MNR, VaniVyas and 3 others like this.
  2. sbonigala

    sbonigala Platinum IL'ite

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    People are for sure shocked because they have always seen the silent and submissive me. Now when I give it back, its still polite but I am no more submissive. Its like giving a tight slap and politely saying oh am sorry there was a mosquito on your cheek.
    What I loved was both my BILs(they treat me so well, just like their sister) and their wives are so pleased to see me like this. My eldest BIL said, this is how we have always wanted you to be, you don't have to take crap, you did not get married to my brother to take crap. If mom hates you for this, you have no reason to worry, that's her emotion and she needs to worry about her emotions, not you. You take care of your self respect and things will fall in place. Respect cannot be demanded, it must be earned and mum will have to learn to earn the respect rather than demanding for it.
     
    Meghaa, songbird46, VaniVyas and 5 others like this.
  3. SGBV

    SGBV IL Hall of Fame

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    So nice to hear about your BIL's kind heart and the way he treated you. This reminds me of my younger BIL too. He lives in the UK, and shares a very decent relationship with me. He would always side by me, and make things clear to his mom whenever we had problems.
    Later, I took control of my life with much of MIL's resentment. But this BIL stood by me saying I was right, and MIL was wrong to expect an educated, well-to-do girl to behave like a village based submissive DIL.
    Now that things are pretty cool between us (we and PILs), but the scar remains the same. Whenever I think of my in laws' family, this BIL comes first, and I genuinely wish all the great things for him - like a younger bro to me.
     
    sbonigala likes this.
  4. rajatsingh

    rajatsingh Silver IL'ite

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    You are so lucky to have such a nice husband. Adore him for permitting you and standing-by you, in your calculated indifferent treatment of your cunning in-laws !

    Many husbands would force their wives to dance to the tunes of their parents (in laws to wives), during India visit from abroad !

    Your man appears to be a very smart guy, finally having understood the formula for peace !
     
    hermitcrab and sbonigala like this.
  5. harinideep

    harinideep Gold IL'ite

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    Brilliant response to the relative .. You are so brilliant . how did you learn to speak like this .. It was spontaneous .. I want to answer like you ... But not able to ... Can you give some tips
     
  6. Rihana

    Rihana Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    sbonigala, your guts and spirit are admirable. Two questions -

    - when you are speaking so assertively and forcefully with calm and confidence, why are your in-laws daring to continue such behavior? usually, such assertiveness would begin to see results much earlier.
    - why is your husband fine with how things are? does he not mind his family getting/needing such treatment from you so often? I hate to say this but it is not a good sign if he is fine with your attitude continuing for as long as needed. Mabye it is easier for him to let things be as they are, not blaming him, but still....
     
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  7. Rihana

    Rihana Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    !! Why would you make such a speech on such a touchy topic when visiting a relative of the in-laws? You are not going to deal with her often, and one reason for visiting them is also the sickness of one member from that family.

    Very unusual. If I or pretty much any woman I know gave such a speech in an in-law's relative's house, preparations would be on for our funeral, body optional!

    Once again, your guts are admirable, and great that you completed the India trip on your terms, but, such assertiveness becoming a sustained way of life is worrisome.
     
    momsky and Fortune1 like this.
  8. sbonigala

    sbonigala Platinum IL'ite

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    Happy new year Rihana.
    How have you been doing?

    1. Nothing can change my in-laws. The change in my attitude is only helping me to be happy. If my in-laws were to change, they would have changed when their eldest son left home. My in-laws' fav phrase is "this is our house, rest all are living here for free" , rest all included sons.

    2. The frequency of my attitude/behaviour depends solely on what am being given.

    DH and I have been with each other from college days and are now parents to 2 kids. He knows me in and out and he understands if I lose my temper.
    I am someone who believes that life is short and very uncertain and hence try and stay happy and also keep people around us happy.

    If you have noticed I have mentioned 3 instances of the whole 3 week trip where I gave back. Rest all days was " you treat me well, I'll treat you great" and that did happen. Otherwise Christmas and new year's would have been a ruckus.
    Coming to my husband and his silence.
    Thankfully Iam blessed with a decent man who believes that the DIL deserves respect and love not just be given orders to do the dishes and cleaning the house duties. He believes that living his parents shouldn't mean that house wife should take the crap from them.
    If you remember, I have also mentioned in my earlier posts that I keep quiet if my husband takes control of the situation. When he takes control it is understood that I mistook something or someone and I admit that and apologise without a second thought to whoever is involved.
     
    Last edited: Jan 12, 2017
    Rihana likes this.
  9. sbonigala

    sbonigala Platinum IL'ite

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    We may not visit them due to the distance between 2 nations but we talk to them often. They are a very close family to is. That Akka and I share a great relationship, inspite of she being FIL side relative and hence I took the chance. There are some other relatives whom we visited and I did not bother say anything about anything/anyone. They were all very cordial visits.
     
    Rihana likes this.
  10. sbonigala

    sbonigala Platinum IL'ite

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    Thanks Harini.
    Sorry Harini, no tips to share. Its just that I do not wish any DIL to be like me, it hurts from the inside but honestly I have no choice but to be like this.

    I been on the other side too , the quiet, kind, soft spoken, Indian bahu but the only outcome was my inlaws walked over my life in every aspect and my MIL often said "who are you to even bother talking about this point" for everything I said.

    she even said, "stop talking, I cant even bear your voice" when I was sharing something funny that i did when my parents were alive.

    Even though I am rude and am giving back quite a few times, I am still ensuring that I am nice to them not because I am expecting to love me back but because of my kids. I do not want to rip my kids off the chance of being pampered by grand parents. My parents are no more and I dont want DD and DS to lose out on the love of GPs because of my behaviour.
    So far am able to balance stuff well.
     
    songbird46 and KashmirFlower like this.

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