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When In Laws Take Responsibilitiy Of Elders?

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by generic, Oct 2, 2017.

  1. generic

    generic Gold IL'ite

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    Has anyone been in situation where in their in laws take responsibility of elderly parents / elder sibling/ elder brother in law / elder sister in law etc while staying in joint family?
    My close friend is in this situation, with her permission am sharing her dilemma to get different perspectives.
    She is staying in joint family with husband , in laws and small toddler just Started playschool.
    She had taken career break and now she did few courses, certifications and internships, freelance work etc to bridge the gap and is actively looking for full time jobs to rejoin work..till then doing part time job..
    She has worked out routine wherein she gets up early morning and prepares breakfast, lunch for all and toddler, she and her husband get the child ready and give him breakfast and pack snacks for him and leave him on playschool cum daycare and then go for work. After few hours the child is dropped home and inlaws look after the toddler till my friend and her husband get back then they take over.

    Now they want to take responsibility of the MILs mother who is very old.
    The difficulties are as follows,
    The grand MIL is very orthodox, she will eat only certain foods very much mashed and need to take bath and then only prepare, will not touch outside food at all..also will not eat previous day's food stored in fridge..
    She has leg pain so someone has to supply food , coffee tea on bed or on stool next to bed and help in sitting, standing etc.
    During menses my friend would not be able to go to certain areas of house.
    House has 2 bedrooms So it will be very cramped and loss of privacy.
    The inlaws and grand MIL are very sociable so people keep coming and going...visitors will keep coming at all hours all days.
    The inlaws themselves have so many health issues, they complain of weakness and joint pains always ..they themselves make frequent trips to specialists, are they in position to look after elderly person and child?
    If they concentrate on looking after the grand MIL the the child will be neglected. Even if they arrange a nanny the nanny has to be supervised by someone..it's not to be taken lightly...till child goes to school and becomes independent lots of attention needs to be given .
    No privacy for her and her husband if they have to attend needs of child and elders. As it is they have had many small fights in different issues and their intimate life isn't going well at all.she is frustrated..
    The husband loves his parents and grand mom will not say no to anything.
    MIls brothers and sisters are very shrewd and intelligent to avoid responsibilities, they also either settled abroad or travel extensively abroad for many months to help children or in other city so difficult for them to come for emergencies.
    The in laws are very fond of pilgrimage and they will visit multiple pilgrimage place s every year, then who will look after the grand MIL if they travel?
    The grand MIL is little stubborn sometimes and doesn't follow certain instructions given by doctor, and doesn't get along well with maids so it's difficult for any caretaker to adjust with her..
    Any hospitalisation would be difficult to handle.
    The additional expense ...
    As it is my friend is exhausted with her hectic schedule she doesn't think she can handle all these..she already had many issues in past due to her in laws and now adjusting with them and joint family so they will look after child and she can work..she doesn't have a choice as her husband is very clear on staying with parents.
    The discussion is still going on regarding the grand MIL.
    She has made her concerns clear to her husband.
    He has accused her of being selfish and mean..trying to make her guilty.
    But aren't her concerns valid?
    Or as her husband says is she really selfish and putting her needs over others?
    Is she supposed to adjust and sacrifice and be miserable and overworked or speak up and be the bad DIL?
    Kindly share your perspectives..I'll convey to her..I really don't know what one does in such a situation, does one sympathise with elderly person or understand the DILs perspective?
     
    Last edited: Oct 2, 2017
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  2. sindmani

    sindmani Platinum IL'ite

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    Nurse can be kept to attend grand mother. Hope she is having maid to help her in household work. Think they might have to move to 3 bhk if possible to make it comfortable for all members comfort. I know it is hard especially with elders above 80 years because they become like children. My mil's mom used to hate going to doctors or any doctor's visit . I used to think she was in her 2nd childhood. She can take some vacations with husband and kid to recharge herself . Nurse is the best option even if they are in joint family or nuclear family.
     
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  3. MalStrom

    MalStrom IL Hall of Fame

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    It is good to take care of elders. However the husband is one sounding selfish and mean, if he cannot or will not understand the impact this will have on the whole family. His life is not going to change but his wife will have a lot more work if no one else adjusts to the new arrival.
    One option is to move to a bigger place so at least it won't feel claustrophobic. And they should look into hiring a nanny but for the grandmother, not the child. It won't be possible for your friend to humanly cope with all the added responsibilities if everyone blithely plans to carry on as usual.
     
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  4. yellowmango

    yellowmango IL Hall of Fame

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    Since your friend does not have much say in this matter,it is better to not oppose the move. Instead she should delegate the care taking amongst other family members.

    Let her husband take care of his grand ma when he is around. He is also the one without periods, hence no issues:rolleyes:

    She should also give some her the other duties to her mil.
    Mil can make sure of serving food and drinks to her mother.

    As for the disgusting discrimination during periods.
    Don't announce to the world her date.it is her body function a d is no body elses business.
     
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  5. ashneys

    ashneys Platinum IL'ite

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    Does your friend actually have a say in this matter ?
    Will the in laws n her husband be ok if she still denies ?
    Or will they still go ahead with whatever they decide anyways, regardless of your friend's decision ?
    Where is the grandma currently living ? Why this change now ?

    When you can't fight something, you find ways to make it work. Don't take the whole load n try to exhaust yourself, no one is gona give you an award. You will only be pushed n pushed even more.

    Few things to try..
    Move to a bigger house, how's the sleeping situation gona be with so many people n just two rooms, sort that out.

    How's she gona eat when your mil is on a pilgrimage trip n ur friend gets her periods, thus can't cook or help her in anyway n she won't eat from outside either ? She's gona starve ?

    She should tell her husband that there is only so much one human being can do n set her limits. And that him n his parents has to equally do stuff n make changes around the house.

    Hire a maid for the house work.
    Hire a nanny for the child, the in laws can supervise when your friend isn't around.
    Hire a cook to come every morning, hopefully from your mil's mom community n maybe one that has gotten menopause.
    Hire a nurse to take care of the grandmother, who will provide stuff on time.
    Anything extra should be taken care by the mil, fil, her hubby n then her.

    By hiring the right people for all the work, one can save their energy for all the drama, adjustments n make time to spend with the hubby n most importantly, the child.

    Just like her in laws takes pilgrimage or other trips, she should ensure to do the same with her hubby n child. These breaks are important for our mind n to maintain sanity.

    Regardless of all the responsibilities, it's important that they still learn to live. They must make some time for themselves to go out for a movie, restaurant, mall or beach. When the balance comes in their life, everything will fall into place.
     
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  6. generic

    generic Gold IL'ite

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    Thanks all..
    Friends MILs mother was managing alone earlier with help of part time maid and MIL and her siblings were visiting often to help..but now with some settling abroad or spending many months travelling abroad or having frequent relocations to other cities etc and with the grand MIL falling sick and feeling terrified of loneliness etc ..all these reasons lead to friends MILs and siblings discussing who will look after the grand MIL..in recent family get together the conversation was going on about how the grand MIL shouldn't be alone and how she can be looked after by her children in turns or by one of them etc..
    The discussion dint go much further..but it seems later on the MIL in a thoughtful mood was discussing with the friends FIL about possibility of them taking responsibility..
    They were saying "lets see how things go and if she doesn't feel better we will ask her to come stay with us".,
    Friend overheard the discussion and got tensed..as mentioned earlier she is frustrated due to many reasons ..mainly lack of privacy. Even these caretakers have to be supervised and they are highly paid and they also have to be provided 3 meals plus coffee tea etc so it's anyways gonna be extra work and expense and no privacy.
    Her point is that the MIL siblings children, I.e grand MILs grandchildren who are all of similar age group, are all either settled abroad or in other city or other area as nuclear family so if the MIL siblings are taking care of their mother also the grand children are not involved and may visit occasionally ... Only she is in joint family setup so while all other grand children are not shouldering responsibility she may have to.
    I do get her point, it's overwhelming if a young woman takes responsibility of aged in laws and further aged grand in law. What about her parents, she may want to support them as well as they get older..
    If she does speak up she will just be branded as a very bad DIL.
     
  7. ashneys

    ashneys Platinum IL'ite

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    Will she be happy n at peace if she's branded as a bad dil ? Or is she gona get an award for being a good dil but being miserable all her life ?

    Somewhere she has to figure when to stand up for herself n when to give in. Or else how will she stand up when it's time to care for her parents too. What if they refuse, will she just leave them be? Life can't be one sided all the time. You give a lil, take a lil.

    It can be very overwhelming for any one to shoulder all this. She's not wrong in being scared. When she may have to sacrifice a lot to get this done.

    But she can always find ways to make something work when it comes to it.

    If privacy is her problem n if expense is going to be a deciding factor, In situations like this, I have seen the rest of the families sending money every month or every quarter for all the expenses of the person concerned. If they want to do this, they can speak about this too.

    With the money, move to a bigger house or in one apartment society, rent 2 houses right next to each other (even opp doors). Grandma's apartment can be paid by the relatives money n they can pay for their own. This way, your friend will have all the privacy she needs n still be right next door.
     
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  8. generic

    generic Gold IL'ite

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    @ashneys
    Yes true..sometimes sacrifices lead to resentment in the long run..
    Your suggestion of arranging another apartment is quite good ..that way elders get help and youngsters get to lead their own life...and if relatives visitors want to come and stay and help they can very well do so in spare bedroom..
     
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  9. sindmani

    sindmani Platinum IL'ite

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    Valid question.
     
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  10. sindmani

    sindmani Platinum IL'ite

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    This can be done. Nice advice
     
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