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When History Repeats.....

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by SGBV, Oct 9, 2017.

  1. Dishaa

    Dishaa Silver IL'ite

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    Hi,

    Not only PhD, any studies can be done while working (Can join night or evening colleges) only requirement is will power and dedication to achieve their goals / targets, which is missing in this case.

    Let destiny take care of them.

    Best wishes....
     
    SGBV and sindmani like this.
  2. sindmani

    sindmani Platinum IL'ite

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    True. irony is Iam waiting for the right opportunity to work. There are many women like me who are unable to pursue their dreams. I know we should fight the obstacles rather than telling reasons. Just felt sad for the girl. A reasonable married life is what her parents will also want for her.
     
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  3. Dishaa

    Dishaa Silver IL'ite

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    Hi op,

    There is an old saying don't remember exact words "
    Life gives us challenges and surprises" we need to embrace it and work ahead just like SGBV did in her situation.

    Every single person in this earth desires peaceful and good life, but life has its own plans...

    Best Wishes....
     
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  4. iamsrihere

    iamsrihere Platinum IL'ite

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    Your BIL is clearly being very selfish and wicked. When he knows that his wife may not work for long, he plans to quit his job and study?I mean what is his role as the man of the family?

    I appreciate your attitude towards your family's financial security and commitment. But it is not possible for every woman to think and act in the same way. If she thinks she doesnt want to work, it is her preference. If she doesnt work, it does not mean that she will not take care of the family or her kid when it is born. She is very much going to be doing her basic duty as a woman.

    But what about her husband? Why is he failing to do his duty as the provider of the family? He is very much interested in grabbing his dowry land and wife's money rather than working on his career.

    In my opinion, your co sister should definitely think about continuing this marriage with such a guy because anyday your BIL is not going to change and she unnecessarily has to take burden just because he is lazy.In future with aging, if she gets health issues, she will still have to stick to her job inspite of not liking to work.. And going for a job when you dont like to ,is like a punishment and burden. Inspite of having a property on her name, she doesnt deserve this punishment.

    And it was very silly of her to commit that she would sell her land in future if need arises. When she has accepted to work just for her DH she should have a condition that, anyday her land will always remain with her,and that she can maximum contribute to some daily expenses for the house and not for buying a house in future.She should have said if such conditions are accepted, it makes sense to continue this marriage,else no.

    I am not arguing for woman to sit at home, but to force someone to take up additional responsibility just for one's laziness is bad(when she will still be executing her basic duty as the woman of the house).
     
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  5. Sweety2016

    Sweety2016 Bronze IL'ite

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    @SGBV beleive it or not..You are an inspiration to me..My life is similar to yours in some ways inspite of mine being an arranged marriage...
    I think I cannot just play the role of a traditional wife effortlessly..I am career oriented and that is my priority..Making my h responsible or being tactful to make H spend and all is not my priority..Given a chance will you leave your career behind and willingly become a home maker? I think the answer would be no..because your career defines your individuality..You are different from majority of women out there in the marriage market..So accept that dont try to change yourself but feel proud about yourself..I agree with each and every point you mentioned about your marriage in the last post...hats off!
     
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  6. nakshatra1

    nakshatra1 Silver IL'ite

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    You are right! He is not the one going to take the burden of pregnancies, childbirth , child care and motherhood...really now his whole relevance in the marriage is questionable, if he can't even work. I'm not saying he should be the only breadwinner but he should be the primary one. Definitely, OP's cos-sis should not stick with this man. But she should also not jeopardise her career, as her husband is good-for-nothing, so she needs to be independent. She has 2 choices-
    • separate from her absolutely useless husband. And that's why she needs to hold on to her career, so she doesn't in-turn go on to become dependent on parents/brother.
    • If she is determined to continue this marriage and have kids with this man, then better she hold on to her career for the sake of herself and her kids. Because her husband is utter useless and she should not spoil her future. If she decides to be the provider while her husband quits job takes random long breaks form career, better she start asserting herself as "man of the house", and not allow such situations as her husband to oust her parents from "their own house", like he has done shamelessly in the past.
     
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  7. SGBV

    SGBV IL Hall of Fame

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    Thanks guys...

    It is very very clear that BIL is not a responsible person to lead the show as a man of the house. When he is not ready to be the lead, then his wife must decide :-
    A) whether to continue to be his dependent and live with hopes that one day he will change miraculously/expect the low profile life blaming the fate and her parents; thus demanding her parents to continue to fill the vacuum.
    B) To be the lead and independent, while continuing the marriage for the sake of any other reasons (be it social, physical... and/or be it for his otherwise good nature or whatever)
    C) To walk out of this marriage and also from this useless man, to stay at her parents place as a dependent forever, and await for them to look for another groom or whatever
    And this also means depending on her bro financially. Her bro will get married very soon.
    D) To walk out of this hell to live independently (meaning, having financial independence, and self dependence)

    No one is justifying BILs irresponsibility here. But the ball is in co-sister's court now.
    There is no point of blaming the culprit all the time. While blaming him, the victim has to act, so that she gets out of this mess.
    Not necessarily she has to divorce him. I know a divorce is the hardest decision, and there is no guarantee to get a perfect gentleman the next time.
    But, it is important to take up additional duties to ensure a balanced life when your partner isn't doing much. This is basic logic.

    My maid comes to work despite of doing all the chores at her home early in the morning to balance her life, and that of her kids because her husband doesn't make enough to uplift their life style. Because of her hard work, her children are now studying in School.

    My co-sis and women like her have a choice in life. They can be the fighters and take charge of their own life or to lose everything and be happily dependent on someone else.

    The greedy, cunning, interfering and influencing SILs are actually a product of such dysfunctional marriage.
    I see my co-sis in that tract sadly. She highly depends on her bro now a days for everything that she misses from her H.
    I suggest her to be self dependent instead.
     
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  8. SGBV

    SGBV IL Hall of Fame

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    For your info
    This was arranged marriage. BIL always wanted a working wife, and he was well prepared for the adjustment a spouse has to make to live with a working wife.
    He knew that he can make much money to run a decent family life, that too in a city. Not only him, all his bros (including my H) are not hard or smart workers.
    But you need a lot of money to live in a metro city, that too if you are planing to expand your family and life style.
    So, his only remedy to this was to expect a working wife, who could make equal salary as him, so that with dual income they can manage.
    He also went for the arranged way to ensure there is a decent dowry and financial security.

    While he and his family sounds too silly, I don't blame them fully. They were upfront about their expectations, and co-sis parents wholeheartedly agreed to it.

    Co-sis said that she has a university degree in a very demanding field, and also she was working in an MNC by the time of initial discussions.
    After engagement, she left the job and promised BIL to look for another job very soon. Co-sis parents asked BIL not to share her job loss with his family now, as it may bring unnecessary confusions in the marriage.
    They too promised co-sis will find a job in no time.

    Apart from all the dowry house drama,co-sis's stay at home status added fuel to the fire.
    She expected a decent house, and decent living which is not bad, but BIL was unable to provide all this, as he is lazy.
    For nearly 4 yrs co-sis didn't try for a job. During latter days, BIL found out that co-sis hasn't completed that special degree which has a lot of demand in our place.
    This gives her hard time in the job market. Besides, any entry level jobs would be stressful for a 30 yr old married woman.
    We were in early 20s, and were young free birds when we were in entry level jobs. Those days, nothing seemed hard for us. But now, with added commitments, we can't compete with those young fresh graduates in such vibrant positions.
    But she has lost her precious times in the past, and now feeling bored at work.

    But BIL says he was cheated by his wife on this matter.

    I feel, both BIL and co-sis are equally lazy, as well cunning. It is not a surprise, because they are close relatives anyway.
     

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