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When History Repeats.....

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by SGBV, Oct 9, 2017.

  1. meVaidehi

    meVaidehi Platinum IL'ite

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    He has already lived off free for 4 years on her parents money. What a parasite.
    But I feel the girl and her parents are also to be blamed for their manipulation. They should have clearly mentioned what they are willing to give and what not before marriage. They sort of implied they would give the house so they should.
    To be safe i would say sell it off since it's not usable to anybody. And put the money in her name. Half for 1 rent and her expenses and half for fertility treatment.
    After that not a single penny to be expected and bil is to take care of his wife and family's expenses post that.
    Also married to such good for nothing leech (please don't mind) she better start working whatever job she can find for her own dignity.
    If not agreeable this marriage honestly doesn't seem to have any happy future.
     
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  2. SGBV

    SGBV IL Hall of Fame

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    Exactly...
    But I don't think I am in a position to advice her or her parents about selling the house part. It is tricky, because there is no gurantee that BIL or PILs will stop demanding co-sis the remaining money (of the house sales) to be given to them.
    There are too many grounds for such dramas in the future. Because they are clearly after money, and their "house rent, no money" drama is just to quench whatever possible from co-sis/her parents for now.

    However, it doesn't make any sense to keep the house - which is good for nothing, at the same time face all these dramas due to lack of funds.

    I don't think her problems will get resolved anytime soon, unless she moves on to be self dependent and self sufficient to cut this crap completely.
     
  3. chocolate

    chocolate Platinum IL'ite

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    OP, Your co sister is clearly not seeing the bigger picture. Your BIL will ride on her forever. Anything wrong in his life, co sis and her family finances has to fix it. Co sis getting a job/ not getting a job is just a small factor.Picture this- tomm co sis gets a good job. She somehow by luck manages to surpass BIL's pay structure . What will happen next. Will BIL sit at home telling everything is comfy on wife's pay at home.Chances are very bright he will do it. Point is BIL is clearly self centered and thinks about his comfort and not about wife's feelings or anybody else's.Your co sis has to nip this in the bud. She shud divorce the guy . She is looking at yrs of heartache being with him.

    I know I have been there in your co sis situation. Only my FIL was like BIL and your IL's all wrapped together. But I nipped this in the bud and gave hubby an ultimatum, FIL's words goes or I go. You choose. Sometimes , we have to pave our own way. Not every problem is same. Not every solution is same. Your co sis shud grow some confidence, tell your IL's and BIL off and make her own life. Its good she is still not with a child.

    If Co sis and her parents have to fund her infertility, wont BIL be ashamed to put his name as father of the child. When will the money grabbing stop . Any problem BIL has , it has to fixed by his IL's. Your MIL/FIL can live with it. They must be thicker skinned. Co sister's parents shud think and move forward. My sympathies to your co sis.You have a disgraceful BIL. I wud be ashamed of him. Good Luck.
     
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  4. yellowmango

    yellowmango IL Hall of Fame

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    What exactly does she lose by dumping this guy?
    He doesn't love or care for her.
    He is pretty useless as a provider.
    Greedy
    Leech
    Shameless
    Comes from a horrible family with history of irresponsible behavior.

    She should divorce him .
    It highly unlikely that she will land a loser worse than this one even with a tag of a ' divorcee' .

    Even if she doesn't get married again,she will be motivated to start working if she knows this leech is not around.She will be working for herself and not slaving outside and inside home for this loser.
     
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  5. yellowmango

    yellowmango IL Hall of Fame

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    She should not sell the house till she is married to this guy or he mends his way.
    The unattractive property is her safety.
    If she sells it,she should invest it in her name for something that will supplement her income till she gets better paying job.
     
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  6. SGBV

    SGBV IL Hall of Fame

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    Dear friends

    I have an update to this case now.

    Co-sis has found a job - an entry level job with very small pay though.
    With that she was able to set a few things straight in her life.
    when PILs, BIL and her parents had a discussion on this, she said that she will not sell the dowry house now - unless there is any urgent need for it.
    She also said that they could adjust in rental house until their family expands. For now her priority is fertility treatments, and only after having kids, she will think about selling the dowry house for buying a new house in the city.

    She even said boldly before everyone''s face that this was discussed and agreed by both parties before marriage, so PILs/BIL shouldn't change their words like this now.
    After this conversation, BIL pretended as though he was unaware of the pre-marriage discussions; hence asked sorry to co-sis, and scolded PILs for their misunderstanding before everyone. He agreed to take co-sis that weekend to start a new life in their rental house.

    Everything seemed fine, and they both celebrated Diwali in their house for the first time together.
    Co-sis continued to work, and refused to visit PILs house every weekends citing she needs to utilize her weekends for her personal needs. So, BIL alone visited PILs house every weekend like a hostel boy ;)

    Last weekend, BIL and co-sis visited PILs house and I saw a huge change in co-sis's style. New dress, glam in her face, new hair cut, and what not. She has shown lot of self confidence!!!

    But, on their return date, BIL said that he has taken a career break for 3 years to follow his phd. He also said, their family can run smoothly with one income.
    When checked the same with co-sis, she said that she was really unhappy at her work, as they pay was too low, and it was routine job; hence she felt demotivated.
    It seems her performance at the work wasn't great; thus she may be fired anytime after her 3 months probation times.
    When she discussed this at home with BIL, he sounded negative and the next week he came up with this new plan (career break).
    So, she is forced to be employed regardless of her job satisfaction....

    My observation:
    My H did exactly the same when I decided to resign my international career due to the issues of our distance marriage (after 2 yrs). I told him that I need a break to fix our marriage, and also to plan our family. He was reluctant about that. But when I moved on to resign and came home to live with him, he too left his job citing studies.
    So, we had to vacate the city house (which we rented) and he moved to his parents' house and made me move to my parents house citing there is no point of renting a house when we do not have monthly income.
    Hell broke loose that time, because I faced all the craps during that time only.
    Then after 1 year (during that time I found out that I was preg), I got a local job and moved on to rent a house and lead my own life with the support of my mom. He slowly moved in, and still being irresponsible as a man.
    But I have accepted him as who he is, and leading a happy marriage otherwise. The lesson I learnt from him is not to depend on someone who is not independent.
    Even today, it is me who runs the show in our house. The house, the car, the furniture, the coconut land that we own are all earned by me singlehandedly. My H contributes nothing to it.
    He works and earns a decent income, but he has mysterious expenses each month, and there is no point on depending on him.
    Whenever we face hard time financially, it is me who looks for a beter job risking everything, but he will not move an inch to make anything beyond the fixed contributions he shares for our family.
    He doesn't even think about our future or kids education.... He is so cool and happy about the daily stuff he enjoys, and sees nothing beyond it.
    He is even ready to beg anyone if need arises.

    But he supports me wholeheartedly in every step I make to uplift our life style. He listens to me, and adheres to my decisions.
    Since I am career oriented, this set up works for us. We are happy.

    2) Co-sis is equally lazy as BIL. She will not continue her work because working full time means lot of sacrifice. She is not that type.
    She strongly believes it is a man's duty to provide. Since BIL took this break, co-sis will also take a break.
    Hopefully she will move back to her parents' house, as BIL is planning to shift to PILs house here.
    Obviously they don't afford a rental house in the city, that too for no reason.
    If so, what would be their future?

    I could offer co-sis a decent job in my work place, as there are plenty of vacancies under my section.
    But after meeting her last weekends, it sounded very clearly that she is not interested to work. She will quit and do anything to revenge BIL, but does not think about her own self.


    She can eat at her parents place for now, but what about after her bro's marriage???
    She still tries for a kid (obviously for selfish and social reasons). BIL can never be a responsible father to the kid, that is very clear. But if co-sis can not play a heavy role in parenting (as a provider as well), she will have to depend on her bro for everything (for her self and kids). That will definitely backfire when a new woman arrives.

    The above is just my thinking only. But my mom says co-sis is brillient and very tactful and that is how woman should be. She blames me for overbearing and letting my H enjoy a free life.
    But my argument is, if a man can not be responsible enough about his self before his marriage, how come he changes and become responsible after marriage and kids.
    If he changes it is great. Even a tiniest change is much appreciable. But what if she doesn't see the need to change? What if he refuse to be responsible?
    In that case, tit for tat doesn't work. Marriage is complementing each other. It is accepting each others weakness and filling the gaps in partnership.
    It is not sharing 50%-50% in everything. It is giving your 100% in everything. It is our family. What if my partner doesn't give his 50%, I can still give my 100% for my family.
    After all, my family is my pride, and socially I am in high standards because of the way how I keep my family regardless of my partners contributions.
    Being tactful or selfish as how my mom describe my co-sis will not make my irresponsible H responsible over night. He will still be irresponsible and the whole family will suffer due to it.

    Just a vent..... After a long time guys, was really busy with work. I feel relieved only after venting here.
     
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  7. Dishaa

    Dishaa Gold IL'ite

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    Hats off to you SGBV, you are indeed a fighter.....
     
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  8. sindmani

    sindmani Platinum IL'ite

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    PhD can be done even if he holds the job. I wish ur bil thinks in a bigger picture before leaving his precious job and career ladder. Altleast I wish ur co sis climbs up the career ladder. They need to come to an understanding. I see things beyond MONETARY levels here. Clearly mutual understanding is missing. Mutual respect is what makes a couple relationship move on. We all have ups and downs in life , but fighting spirit is required. Iam glad ur co sis has yourself for her as a role model.
     
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  9. nakshatra1

    nakshatra1 Platinum IL'ite

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    I'm just shocked how easily people are ready to quit their jobs for taking revenge/putting burden on partners. It's so difficult to get a decent job, and that too so much struggle in-case you have a career gap. I think both are so immature about life, and jeopardizing career so easily, thinking they can fall back on others(parents etc). They are so unaware of realities of life, just behaving like kids.
    But I must admire you SGBV for being so mature about your own life/ family and taking the lead responsibility. I'm sure your children and family admire you for all you have done.
     
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  10. ashima10

    ashima10 Platinum IL'ite

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    I take my words back ! Now I do not know who to slap as a wake up call !
    And you OP , hats off ! I know it such thoughts and dedication are not easy !
     
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