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For All your Questions regarding Sashti Vratham

When History Repeats.....

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by SGBV, Oct 9, 2017.

  1. SGBV

    SGBV IL Hall of Fame

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    Paying back a huge loan or helping parents to settle down, or helping younger sisters for their marriage etc... are to be included as their earning and investments. This clearly shows that they were capable of earning and settling their priorities. So, it is helpful to assume that they will likely to do the same after their 30s perhaps with their other priorities like spouse/kids own life etc...

    But doing nothing (means, making parents to sponsor for their studies, no help to parents/siblings, depending on parents for their own living - such as housing, gadgets etc) despite of educational and professional qualifications hints that these men will never gonna become responsible or be rich down the line.
     
    sindmani likes this.
  2. yellowmango

    yellowmango IL Hall of Fame

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    There is every grounds for outrage and hungama.
    The bil and in laws got the dowry that was promised. The bil has the audacity to then expect the girl's family to move out of the city home so that he can stay there . In which world is that not outrageous and disgusting behavior.


    As op mentioned....it is cultural practice to get a dowry in marriage and the guy is expected to take care of the girl .
    Now if the girl works ( which in this case she should for her own good)...that is a bonus. If they took the dowry ,the the bil should be ready to provide for her.

    Seriously ,she should get out of this family .


    As for getting involved,family members who do not agree with the general tone of the situation ,should protest ,otherwise they are a part of the problem.

    Op may not be in a good position to do much but her husband should say that they are wrong ...unless he is also of the same opinion that they should encroach and take the city house away from the girl' s family .
     
    Last edited: Oct 12, 2017
    Sunshine04 and sindmani like this.
  3. SGBV

    SGBV IL Hall of Fame

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    Husband understands when I reason out everything from a neutral POV. But he changes the moment his family brain washes him the other way round.
    And you know the blood is thicker than water... So, it is difficult for him to be neutral here.
    At least I am glad that he is not involving in any of these drama...

    As you said, it is traditional for the wife to pay dowry and expect the H to take care of her for life.
    However, now a days, many women go to work despite of following the tradition (i.e paying dowry),. Therefore these men enjoy a bonus.
    When everyone of BIL's circle is gifted with such bonus (educated bride, working bride etc), he thinks he is taken for granted.

    Secondly, the dowry house is of no use for BIL and co-sis family. Because they can't live there. Co-sis & family won't sell the house anytime soon. And it is impossible to rent that house for decent rate.
    Which indirectly means BIL has nothing to do with that house, eventhough it is there for the sake of it.
    I understand his POV, but he should have told this before hand. If not for the city house, co-sis's family would have given something else as alternative dowry during marriage.
    BIL was silently accepting this native house, with the hope of encroaching the city house down the line.
    That is not right...

    At the same time, co-sis family knew that there is no use of their native house, and BIL is not in favor of it.
    When there was discussions before the marriage, they silenced everyone by saying "let's discuss later".
    Their DD had a black mark due to her broken engagement... And their dowry house in the native is relatively very smaller dowry compared to the present market rate...
    With that, their "let's talk later" raised hopes and expectations of BIL - who strongly believe in this dowry system.

    To add fuel to the fire, co-sis's refusal to work, and BIL's inability to provide....
    In this 4 years, everything became a spoiled soup....
     
  4. rachaputi

    rachaputi Platinum IL'ite

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    If I were in your place, I would suggest to file a police complaint against them.. doesn't matter on who ever it is.
     
    Last edited: Oct 12, 2017
  5. sindmani

    sindmani Platinum IL'ite

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    Can any one from the family(since they are all relatives , so even common relative) especially elders whom ur brother in law respects talk to him and make him understand that his parents in law will not be as to move out of their own home. I know , it seems ur bil is a tough person. But just they can make him understand if he had a sister and just imagine her life is like this . will he accept. I am sure he will fight for his sister's life and parents' rights to their home. Wanting more and more at the cost of another parent or his own wife is not acceptable. Some one at the best interest of the couple can make sense in him.
     
  6. SGBV

    SGBV IL Hall of Fame

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    I think this happened. MIL's own bro (who is co-sis's dad's cousin) intervened, since he has initiated this marriage proposal.
    He said almost similar stuff only to be blamed by both parties. I don't think anyone here would be that neutral to handle this case.
    Even though they are relatives, they are either connected this or that end depending on their closeness to each family.

    BIL demands is very clear now a days.... (because i hear from my H day in day out about this).
    He says, he can't afford to rent a house in the metro city for the couple to live. So, he proposes 4 alternate options
    1) Co-sis to go back to her parents' house, BIL to stay in a PG
    2) Co-sis to sell her native house, and bring that money.. so that they could use it to rent or lease a house here
    3) Co-sis to send her parents to their native house, so that the couple can encroach their city house and start living
    4) Co-sis to go to PILs house (which indirectly means being their slave)

    Now that he passes the ball to co-sis to decide what she wants....

    I advised co-sis to utilize her time at parents' place to prepare for interviews/new course to find a decent job. With that income, she may chose to rent a house near her work place at her convenience.
    Then she can invite BIL to live with her independently and see whether things are improving.
    If BIL is not capable of earning a roof over his head, and not ashamed about that, then no one can change him. He is built that way only.
    But that doesn't mean this new couple has to lose their marriage for it.
    Unless co-sis has no divorce agenda, I propose she should find a way to fix things in this marriage.
    Both can't be so irresponsible and in capable like this...
    Can't even imagine the fate of their kids down the line...
     
  7. sindmani

    sindmani Platinum IL'ite

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    If ur co sis is willing to work , it is possible for others to pacify ur bil, saying that his problem is solved (regarding renting a good home), so he can stop asking for city home from his in-laws. I think ur cosis should be enlightened with this part. I know ur cosis could have been a pampered child , so she is not willing to work. She wants to be a homemaker with not much outside tension and may be she is interested in house keeping too. I understand , shouldering office work and housekeeping , cooking all makes us tired . I have been there . But what life throws us as a challenge , we need to face it(my own experience and every humans ). But if ur bil wants both city home and working wife then it will be again a problem. Wish ur co sis lots of peace. She needs that.
     
  8. sindmani

    sindmani Platinum IL'ite

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    There is another possibility , since ur bil is highly educated , he can opt for better jobs. He can buy a home too . Ur husband can motivate him to come up in life. It seems that is not easy but we have no other go.
     
  9. armummy

    armummy Platinum IL'ite

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    I feel cosis is trying to buy a meal ticket for life on credit with no clear payment schedule .

    BIL is only willing to sell
    Meal ticket for cash .

    Both are not reviewing thier options .

    If the girl has any self respect , she should ditch husband and start supporting herself .

    If she wants to stay , she should sell the native house and pay cash and start demanding services
     
    Last edited: Oct 13, 2017
  10. SGBV

    SGBV IL Hall of Fame

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    Clear... this is exactly what I am suggesting....
     
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