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When History Repeats.....

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by SGBV, Oct 9, 2017.

  1. EverydayBloom

    EverydayBloom Gold IL'ite

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    Agree with YM!!! Its high time to put your in-laws and BIL behind bars, I am very much boiling after reading your post, what kind of human being is your BIL is!!!! Be a support system to your co-sis, she need to come out of this mess...
     
    sravanitenali, sindmani and SGBV like this.
  2. YoGirl

    YoGirl Gold IL'ite

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    Co-sis should start using D word and threaten BIL.
     
    SGBV likes this.
  3. SGBV

    SGBV IL Hall of Fame

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    Thanks everyone for your concerns and advises on this matter.

    As of now, I could only share some moral support to co-sis, and some guidance out of my experience. All the communications are going on in phone, and nothing beyond it.

    Since my H doesn't approve of my involvement in this case, I am a bit reluctant to jump into this mess.
    At the same time, I am hinting my H not to go deeply into their matter, as it may lead to serious troubles later on. (dowry harassment, Police complaint, family issues etc..etc..).

    For now, I've asked co-sis to become financially independent. Not because she must give a helping hand to BIL - who isn't that smart to earn better. But she must be self dependent to fight this battle.
    Looks like she isn't interested in going to work.
    Despite of having a degree, and language skills she sucks in the job market because of her laid back nature.
    She believes it is her husband's responsibility to take care of her.
    It is true, but this logic won't work when we expect changes from these traditional men.

    Secondly, I don't see a reason behind keeping her dowry house closed. She may rent that out or sell the house and save the lumpsum in a FD. Perhaps in her name only, by making her mom/dad as nominee for safety.
    This way, she gets some interest to cover up her expenses.

    It is great if H provides for the family. But these men are good for house husbands.
    In this case, one member should fight against all the odds, to run the family somehow.

    Whatsoever, I believe such efforts could be done by a woman, only if she wants to save this marriage.
    Looks like, co-sis is already tired as of now. According to her, there are loads of harassment beyond what we could imagine.
    BIL is different from my H, and it was only an arranged marriage.. So, I don't think they are bound by love and affection to survive their marriage in this battle.

    If she was my own sister, I would suggest her to move away from this man - who is good for nothing. And start her life from the scratch.
    But I am afraid of suggesting the same to co-sis, due to all the family linkages we both have in this case.

    Thanks for everyone for your wonderful suggestion. Beyond your anger, I see some valid points from each of your post.

    I gathered these points, so that I could alert co-sis in the due course.
    Something like:-
    1) Recording their conversations, including dowry matters and threats are really useful tips. Co-sis should do that
    2) Challenging PILs when they meet like "if you want this marriage to work traditionally by all these dowry drama, then why expect your DIL to be modern and earn for her living? Can't your son be a traditional husband and provide for his wife?
    3) Me staying away from this mess, and better not to directly involve by risking my hard earned peaceful marriage
    4) Co-sis being financially independent
    5) If things don't seem to be going smooth, cut the thread completely and leave this crap out of her life

    Thank you ladies, I shall update once there is any progress.
     
    sindmani, NeetaR and shreepriya like this.
  4. ashima10

    ashima10 Platinum IL'ite

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    Still you can at least slap him once...make any excuse and do so. anything...I feel you are smart.
    On another note ..its attitude problem and difference in both parties. The guy is truly shameless and the girl is living in a bubble.
     
    sindmani likes this.
  5. SGBV

    SGBV IL Hall of Fame

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    You nailed it.
    I wish I can slap the entire clan at least once for everything they do and speak. But God has given me this much of patience to handle them. I consider them as utterly stupid, imbalanced people.
    They are not capable of living their own life smartly and successfully just like any other people. They need a strong support throughout.
    They are shameless like beggars to ask...They believe it is alright, and are proud about it.

    For me, the right attitude is to grow up so high and make this man and his clan to fall on your feet. This is the biggest punishment one could do to their abusers.
    If Police complaint and divorce is not in her cards, then she should stop living in the bubble, but think practically.
     
    Sunshine04 and sindmani like this.
  6. nakshatra1

    nakshatra1 Platinum IL'ite

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    I don't know how someone can give a house as dowry ! They are just setting wrong example for others... Maybe your co-sis doesn't have any brother.. still I feel it's wrong. Her father could have willed the house to her, but giving it away when they are still alive- yet co-sis and BIL are not ready to live with them or take care of their health issues..
    Co-sis should get a job, how can she just think its only husband's duty to provide financially especially if he is failing at it, shouldn't she at-least try to support him? Maybe she can quit her job after some years, after they have settled...It seems both co-sis and BIL are money minded and exploitative...want to live off others.
    I think everyone's thinking is wrong in this matter, and perhaps you should stay away as neither party is worth supporting..
     
    sindmani likes this.
  7. SGBV

    SGBV IL Hall of Fame

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    In my part of the world, it is very common among certain communities (mainly Hindu families) to expect a house as a dowry, along with cash, jewelries etc...
    Some people do will a house, and make it avail for the couple after their times. But that is different from a dowry house.
    Dowry house is given for the couple to live.
    Here, joint family system is outdated. Almost all the couples live independently in their house (owned or rented).
    Only when their parents' become old, or ill then they may move in with the children. This way, not the children live with parents under their conditions. But the parents come to live with married children at their latter stage.
    This is something what our community accepts as part of the tradition.

    In this case, the dowry house is located somewhere else. Both BIL and co-sis have no business in that city.
    Why they have ended up building a house there was mentioned in my OP.
    Now that BIL wants to sell that house and have the money in his name. So that he can consider owning a house in the city where they live right now.
    Co-sis refuses to sell, as she believes the little money that comes from that little house from a village is not at all enough to own a decent house in a metro. So, she doubts, BIL can either keep the money with him, waste it by using as key money for their rental house each year, or hand-over it to FIL. So, she refuses to give.

    Your points are valid. Everyone is wronged at some or the other. Both think how best they can suck the other.
    I better keep vigilant in this case. Even though my heart goes out to the girl, as she is at the weakest end right now.
     
    sindmani and nakshatra1 like this.
  8. MalStrom

    MalStrom IL Hall of Fame

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    Looks like your BIL was looking for a cash cow, not a wife. What self-respecting man behaves like this? Next time he threatens the D word, your co-sister should ask him 'where do I sign'?
     
    guesshoo, SunPa, Amica and 2 others like this.
  9. Rihana

    Rihana Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    The girl had a broken engagement, not willing to work, expects husband to take care of her. It is an arranged marriage where both sides openly talked of dowry or whatever it took to find a guy willing to marry the girl.

    Why, after marriage, all this hungama and outrage about the dowry demands, citing anti-dowry laws, calling the guy spineless, and everyone's blood boiling at the behavior of guy and family?

    Problem is that the wedding took place without details of the dowry finalized. Either skip the dowry practice totally, find a man/woman on your own merits, or follow the practice properly and be clear on who is giving what amount, property when. Keep the promises made.
     
    Amica, SGBV, sindmani and 1 other person like this.
  10. sindmani

    sindmani Platinum IL'ite

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    If u don't mind may I know few things
    1) ur co sis education . u can tell her to take a simple job near her home based on that.I am not sure what is topping her to take a job. It seems she has no communication problem too.
    2) ask her what is her plan next.
    3) I feel she is in a confused position and also anxious and that is why she is reluctant to go for job. So counsel her to take up a simple job as I told earlier too so that she will be more relaxed rather than stressed. I think rest all can wait. Even if her parents are well settled(I assume), she needs to be independent . this will give her confidence.
     

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