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When can a divorce be a solution??

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by deeptireddy95, Feb 25, 2012.

  1. deeptireddy95

    deeptireddy95 New IL'ite

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    Divorce can be immediate when you are involved in a physical, verbal abuse by your husband. But otherwise when you are not satisfied on whats happening with your life, is divorce a solution? How do we know its time for divorce?
    I am a 24 yr old married 2yrs back, i had a beautiful life b4 marriage , i had my job there, studied in a good collge.. but things turned hopeless after i got married n came to USA. My husband was never caring, concerned abt what i was doing . We never had a single vacation til now.I had hell time when i was jobless here. i have no relatives here , he had a couple of cousins and his life revolved around them.
    I used to suffocate at home , restless, no body to talk to(other than my parents i used to call them, but never expressed these things). I managed to get a job now, but still always a tear in my eye. I feel i m just being used to get money, do household, n ofcourse s**. I tried to express him my feeings towards such a life, he listens but continues the same. I love him a lot but love is mutual , it has to be from his side too. he never tortured me physically, but at the same time i m being overlooked. I am planning to have no kids till i get these problems resolved, giving it a span of 3 more yrs to check my patience. But is it still a reason for divorce?? What should i do plz help?
     
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  2. SriVidya75

    SriVidya75 Platinum IL'ite

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    did you tell your husband that you are feeling that you may not want to have kids unless you feeling emotionally connected to him and care for by him?? or else you are considering separation?

    jsut tell him and see what he comes up with....remember you have to be totally open and truthful about your feelings including the bad ones....and then let your hsuband decide...if he asks you what you want, may be suggest marital therapy, they will have some games n exercises couples can do to connect to each other....
     
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  3. deeptireddy95

    deeptireddy95 New IL'ite

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    No i havent told him the reasons for not having kids, coz that can make things worse.It would rage on that.But i have asked 3yrs for any more plans.I dont love to separate yet if its time for me to get separated which can give me a much peaceful life , i would. he demands me when ever he like to do things the way he wants, i explained to him that anyting i do is coz of love and not coz i m scared of him. But he belives that women have be demanded n ordered, makes me feel horrible somtimes.Is this kind of nature in all men??How can we get rid of this?
     
  4. SriVidya75

    SriVidya75 Platinum IL'ite

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    Dont do things that your heart n mind doesnt liek but you are doing because you love him...thats what brings out this bouts of anger suddenly and thoughts of separating from him.

    Just put down yoru foot and say NO whenever you dont like to do what he orders/demands.

    Tell him to ask with love n care and thats when you will do what he wants.

    Last but not least....whehter he understands yourpoint or not...as a person who loves him and as you are married n committed to him, its your duty to let him know aobut your feelings...what he does after that is his part...if he likes to fix it, you will know...or else you dont even have to wait for 3 more years :) you are way too youngn to waste your time on this guy if your brain n heart are so convinced he wont understand.


    Last but not least, is it possible that you are home sick and feeling depressed? why not take a short vacation go n visit your parents and see how you feel when you are away from him?
     
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  5. sanvi5

    sanvi5 Silver IL'ite

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    Dear Deepthi,
    I would say you prioritize or ask yourself what kind of life you want and then discuss with your husband about the life you wanted to live. In US some people satisfy themselves by being social ,attending weekend parties,potlucks to make their life busy and have fun and during weekdays they are busy with work, some others may want to go on vacations quaterly or once in every 6 months and like to to travel a lot and they will post pictures on facebook and picasa and find satisfaction in that, others have kids, buy homes and are busy taking their kids to activities and arranging birthday parties,housewarmings within the same group of people this is how different set of people find satisfaction with.
    Life in US itself is very mechanical work on weekdays and weekends may be go grocery shopping or attend some parties very routine and boring.
    Just think how you would be satisfied. Even if you seperate and divorce will that satisfy your life? No. May be for few days you may enjoy being alone but later again you may feel the need of a partner and again you will enter the same old life it is a loop.
    I feel life is journey of phases first phase 25 yrs with parents and pampering thats is the best best life anyone can have. If god asks me today what life you want I will ask him my childhood with parents no responsibilities and all happiness. Next 25 years we have to take the role of our parents married and kids and all that, third quarter kids are major responsibilities and then retirement falls in that stage. I am just writing what I am feeling.
    I will say not to compromise for everything but aleast find happiness and solutions, sit together and discuss with your husband what you want.
     
    Last edited: Feb 25, 2012
  6. avmgs

    avmgs Junior IL'ite

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    dear deepthi,
    dont get frustrated.IMO it is common in most of (indian)men.
    it was just two years since you get married,dont haste on taking any decision.
    i too faced the same problem in the early days of my marriage but in due course,he was changed!!!
    usually it takes some time to change men's behavior, perhaps dont lose your hope.
    according to me,divorce is not the only solution for your problem.
    give him some time to reform.
    hope it helps you.
     
  7. sanvi5

    sanvi5 Silver IL'ite

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    Now just saw your other post. Some men are just demanding. I hate such attitude of them. I agree with the last post of srividya and avmgs.I too was in a similar situation to yours. Just try giving him more time. Definitely they will be some improvement as years pass by.
     
    Last edited: Feb 25, 2012
  8. flowerlady

    flowerlady IL Hall of Fame

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    Dear OP,
    Dont lose heart . Maybe you are homesick and missing your family. US life is very different and requires adjustment which will happen in due time.
    Could be you are lonely , no friends of your own , no family.
    Try and be friendly with his cousins, generally they bond more if they are abroad. No harm in joining in the fun.
    Many will envy your position as you are in US, nuclear family no interference from PILs, good DH.
    Please try to adapt yourself to the new conditions, join some study course, library, make friends.
    Divorce comes with its own host of problems, the next marriage could have other problems.
    Cooking , cleaning and performing wifely duties is part of any marriage deal.
    But dont have kids unless you are comfortable.
     
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  9. poojachinoy

    poojachinoy Gold IL'ite

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    i feel you need a change of environment here...plan out a vacation with husband...dont wait for him to take the initiative..plan it out and go ahead....

    look up for marriage counsellors here....that will be very helpful!

    and if possible,go and visit ur parents..

    make friends..like flowerlad suggested invite his cuzns over or you guyz go over to their place sometimes..

    are you working?..if not please strt doing that asap...or enhance your resume more,by taking up some courses!

    i know,the life in US is very monotonous...there will be times when you would feel to just end it and move on...but instead of doing that why not target the root causes and try to work on it and see how it goes..
     
  10. ivlakshmi

    ivlakshmi Platinum IL'ite

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    Hi,
    As you are working, try to make friends of your own..with neighbors etc ..make your own friends circle and enjoy..show him that you can enjoy..some saddistic men like their women to suffer and feel happy about it. so dont show your frustration to him and don't give *** for some time..don't go to his relatives house .Divorce need not happen only if there is abuse involved.. But i would still feel that non communicating and not taking out is a form of abuse..
    As flowerlady said , second marriage will have its own issues..
     

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