Discussion in 'Parents & Siblings' started by nayidulhan, May 20, 2019.
senorita2019, I am learning to say No. I hope I learn as soon as possible.
Yes soulful! I agree with you. Even before I got a proper chance to come out of one thing, the next thing gets dumped. You have given me a nice rounded perspective on everything. your words have cleared my mind to a fair extent. I am really thankful to you.
Rihana, thanks for writing in!
Yes, since every action has an equal and opposite reaction, I sincerely hope I too gain something from my contribution to all the situations I have been handling till now.
I have never "dissed" about anyone or anything in my whole life. I have always stated the facts and if that comes across as something else to someone then it would be better to check their own sense of perspective checked. One of the primary reasons for imbalance is when there is only give, give and give on one side and take, take and take on the other. Just as I am writing to you now, besides the fortnight long vacation planned abroad, my brother phoned me just now to ask me to come over in a couple of hours to stay, as the 3 of them are travelling to another city for an overnight!
This temporary thing is making you so anxious ...imagine how much resetnment your SIL to permanently live with and take care of a bed ridden person . She might feel it's so unfair that SIL takes many times her rightful share but son/DIL gets all the responsibilities . As you said relationships work on give and take . It's just a temporary thing so better not to resent it especially as it is affecting you too much . We all face such situations we have to learn to balance . And if feel it is going to become their habit , then it's time to have a discussion on proper planning and sharing of responsibilities. . .
According to the law, the elders of the family are the responsibility of the children of the family ....not their spouses.
You and your brother are equally responsible for your grandfather.
He is taking care of his responsibilty most of the times and you are given the responsibility when he needs a break...like a vacation .
Your fil is the primary responsibility of his wife a children and less of the dil .
May be this is the reason people in this country do not value daughters much.
They bow their head and do whatever is asked of them at their inlaws but resent the help they have to give at parents place . Most of us are guilty of that including me .
You need to see the difference between people who are slacking and who are taking a well deserved break .Having a long term sick person in the house is very hard of the people in the house . It s almost never ending and people need to take a break to remain sane .
It is different from the having a serious medical emergency that needs caretaking for days/ weeks with things going back to normal after that.
Regarding your mil and sil ..are they always like this. Shying away from responsibility ? Or it was one off incidence?
Some people do not respond well to medical emergencies. My mil is like that . She is supper controlling amd manages everything well except during medical problems of herself and others. At such times she turns into a child who wants to pull the sheet on the head,close eyes till the problem goes away.
Some people are completely overwhelmed by medical crisis.
Op you seem to be a confident and efficient person,who everyone looks up to for guidance or taking the lead . If you are overwhelmed by the need for you....stop being so efficient. Instead goad your parents to take the lead and control their house a bit more firmly.Similarly explain to your husband that your sil needs to take more responsibility at in laws place.
Your sil ( brothers wife) is young and the dil of the house.
The daughter of the house can get away with a lot that the dil does not get away with .
If she makes a mistake ( in this case ,with the caretaker) she will be held responsible where as you as a daughter will get away with mistakes. The same will happen at your in laws place. You will be more careful there because you are the dil there.
Understand the difference .
May be if your sil ( brothers wife) becomes as assertive as you at home,it may not go down well with your parents. May be they like things as they are?
You are lucky, your brothers wife seems fine with you having so much control and presence in your parental and her marital home . Enjoy the confidence she has in you because not many daughters get to have that .Many dils don't like so much presence of the daughter in her marital home .
Enjoy the goodwill you have with your birth family and ask them for help when you need it from them.
Leave your kid with parents and go out for dinner date with husband or a late night movie . Let them also help you enjoy life.
If you feel that it gets tough to be called without prior notice,let them know you are willing to help but need things to be planned better.
Give more confidence to parents that they along with the caretaker can take care of grandfather in normal times and that you are always around if bigger help is required.
Not being able to manage a stubborn and difficult caretaker is not an emergency, it is lifestyle choice that the family has taken. Coax the family to look around for a better caretaker who is not such a big problem for the family.
The solution is that instead of running to you to manage the caretaker. Caretaker should not become a problem.
You have two choices in life.
1) Say yes wholeheartedly and be helpful for whoever in need.
2) Say No wholeheartedly and believe that there is nothing wrong in saying so.
You seem to be someone inbetween Yes and No.
You say yes, yet you dont feel like doing it.
You wanna say No, yet you don't have the courage to say it.
So, ultimately you say YES... and that's what people hear from you. YES!!!
Unless and until you say NO, they will of course take you for granted. Who wouldn't get some help when someone is ready to offer so much help.
2. without plan and it’s execution, mulling at it infinitude will land one in dire straits.
3. Take positive action keeping in view present and future, All will automatically turn delightfully good for one and all.
When I posted my thread I was confused. I was looking out for empathy, not sympathy and some sound advice on handling myself in my situation. And I am very happy that I got a breath of fresh air through all the pieces of advice posted here. IL is a virtual family. I cannot thank God enough for it.
Like in all situations, it was not possible to mention all the connected aspects in the opening post. I was feeling awkward to share some and others, I thought then, are not required. However, at this stage, I must mention the following:
1) My MIL and SIL feign illness and run away from the most petty of responsibilities. E.g. if there's a small puja at home, then they will feign a head ache or something and stay put in bed till all the arrangements including cooking are done. I was aware of all this when my FIL had the heart attack. But I was expecting that they will come to take care since his condition was crucial. My bad! Like Bhagwad Geeta says... one should not have any expectations whatsoever!
2) A few years ago, my husband's grandparent fell sick due to old age and needed assistance for the day to day activities. That's when the entire family started considering admission in old age home. I was feeling guilty of having to send a family member away just like that. So I decided to take the responsibility and served (with full time assistance) my hubby's grandparent till the last breath. My hubby and I would solely spend more than half our income only on maintaining the grandparent. Relatives would call up or visit to ask after the grandparent but did not share the responsibility at all. I strongly feel that since this experience, all my relatives, on husband's side as well as mine think I am capable of shouldering such humongous responsibilities.