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What's Wrong With Me! Please Guide!!

Discussion in 'Parents & Siblings' started by nayidulhan, May 20, 2019.

  1. soulful

    soulful Platinum IL'ite

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    OP, her is my evaluation of your situation. you are overwhelmed and confused by your own feelings and thoughts. take a step back from thesethoughts.

    you were actually used and taken for granted by your inlaws. you are feeling resentment towards them. By the time you were able to sort out what you feel and towards whom, your brother asked for your help, caring for your grandfather. so now you are attributing what you feel for your inlaws towards your brother, where it does not belong

    You said they are loving and affectionate towards you. you get more than your share of profits etc. although you are withdrawing your contribution to the business. That shows they care. you have a good family who more than make up for your in laws. Do not disappoint them.

    Your SIL does not say anything to the caretaker. 1) SOme people are non-confrontational. your SIL may be one of them. 2) if the caretaker is headstrong as you say she is, she might quit if someone from the family says something. But if it comes from someone not in the same house, she may be more amiable. it is like good cop bad cop thing.

    So today they are leaving for a holiday. DOn't you think they deserve a break? They live day in and day out in a joint family set up with an ill grandfather. You are only filling in their shoes for a bit. Let them go enjoy.

    When it is your turn, they will be willing to do the same for you. Perhaps taking care of your child when you need a break?

    try to forget what your inlaws did. It is not easy but try. Now, you are no longer living with them. be greatful for the fact that you have been given your freedom. Do not ruin your relationship with your birth family for a misplaced anger.

    Take care of yourself
     
  2. nayidulhan

    nayidulhan Senior IL'ite

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    Yes, Needtobestrong! I have been hearing this from well meaning friends for quite some time now. They tell me to say a firm No when required but I always end up in a mess - crying, sobbing and weeping whenever I say no to anyone and inevitably that person senses this weakness in me and takes advantage. I feel guilty that I am not doing what I have been asked for, from. I know someday this will be suicide with over-burdening on my part!
     
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  3. nayidulhan

    nayidulhan Senior IL'ite

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    Thanks saileela85, I think delegating work is the best option always. I must learn to exercise authority. A couple of months ago when my brother and his family had gone on a holiday, there was a diaper accident and the attendant actually shouted at me for having to clean it up. By God's grace, I had presence of mind to ask then & there if this is for the first time and how such accidents have been handled before.The high volt energy was dissipated instantly!
     
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  4. nayidulhan

    nayidulhan Senior IL'ite

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    Thanks Anusha2917, I stay in the vicinity...actually just a call away from their place and am a homemaker now. So I am expected to be present - physically as well as to solve all problems- actual & imagined- all the time. Just because I am more qualified and more experienced than my SIL and just because I demonstrated high troubleshooter prowess in the business, in the past, everyone thinks I am a genie or something. But handling a business is way different from handling a household. Mainly because all the stakeholders (family members) are your own people who you love and care about unconditionally. But nobody in my family seems to understand this emotional dilemma in my life!
     
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  5. Rihana

    Rihana IL Hall of Fame

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    Did you used to work outside the house or earn money from a business or hobby when living with in-laws? If not, your husband was paying all the bills, not you and he. He must have been paying even before you entered the household. He is an adult and spent his income with his consent. He financed the renovations of his own free will. If not, he needs to learn how to say no or how to spend only how much he wants to.

    No maid at all in the house even for dishes, cleaning the house, laundry? Or no maid/babysitter for your child? If the latter, it is not unusual for SAHM's to manage child by themselves while having maidservant to help with kitchen, household tasks.

    If you wanted and if your husband earns enough for you guys to afford a babysitter/maid to help with the child, you go ahead and hire one. If MIL makes a fuss, it is your husband's job, as father of the child, to put his foot down.

    It is unfortunately quite normal for some people to excuse themselves from the care of sick people. As long as your husband is aware of it and your FIL also knows in his heart of hearts who took care of him, such things are best shrugged off. When you and husband were running around, who took care of your child?

    Several times more than your share too? How thankful are you for all that? Thankful enough to monitor the attendant while family is on holiday?

    Such informal help and ad-hoc compensation for that help is never a good idea. Each side privately thinks the other is benefiting more than they are contributing.

    Try to think of a thread that your brother's wife might create along the lines of this one by you. Do you show up at their house at all times of the day? Does that also upset the routine of the household that has an invalid old person in it? Does your SIL have a say in the business matters and how much you should be paid and about the several times excess payment?

    This is typical SIL comment. Looks like your brother got married after you. That woman's job as a DIL and family member is to take care of your brother, some household tasks and your parents to an extent. Managing older invalid grandparent's attendant doesn't fall into her domain or a skill expected of a young'ish woman. Was the attendant already in the house when your brother got married?

    Note how generous you are to their inability to manage the attendant.

    You don't live with them. This level of help or interference is not good. Instructing such attendants has to be by someone who lives in the same household and who can immediately follow-up as needed when attendant is being inattentive.

    Not gullible you. A "mad because I didn't know they were planning such thing" you. Like your husband, you are also an adult. You could not have said yes without your own consent. If they did something like praise you and then bring up the request so you could not say no, then, you still can get back to them and say "after thinking it over, it is a huge responsibility I do not feel confident about." Nothing need be said about their vacation or planning.

    There is more to the picture than we know. Both with your in-laws house and your house and you. Just learning to say No more often won't help. You need help from someone who knows you and your families and the dynamics.

    One thing that stood out was the minimal mention of your husband. He is actually the best one to help you figure this out. When I feel that someone is taking advantage of my generous nature or not according me the suitable respect/courtesy, I discuss it with my husband. He is blunt but 9 times out of 10 right about how to respond.

    If you want to talk about your in-laws with your DH you can do it tactfully. As long as men are not expected to change the behavior of their parents or be responsible for it, most are willing to listen about their parents' faults if presented in a calm, non-blaming, non-confrontational manner. All of that or get a 9-5 job. That cures many such problems of family and others taking advantage of you.
     
    Last edited: May 21, 2019
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  6. nayidulhan

    nayidulhan Senior IL'ite

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    Amulet, I believe everything we do- knowingly or unknowingly- is an investment for our future. Similar to the karma concept in Bhagwad Geeta. Whatever good I do should reap happy, positive results, in the form of some tangible returns or at least a word of appreciation. But none of it happens here. No appreciation. Only examples of how someone's DIL is such a darling because she cooks this and that or because she is so fair & beautiful!

    There's no assurance whatsoever given to hubby and me about any of their belongings. A day may come, when everything may directly be transferred to my SIL and her husband even without giving us a slight hint. But your thought that if and when such a thing happens, I will be drained out to enjoy any of it is definitely true. I really feel like all my energy is leaking away slowly but continuously.
     
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  7. nayidulhan

    nayidulhan Senior IL'ite

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    Desiindian, thank you for letting me know that you too have gone through all this. Glad to know that you finally managed to change yourself. I feel hurt, fume within but end up doing just what the other person wants of me. I pray to the Divine Mother- Maa Bhagwati to bless me with strength to change.
     
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  8. nayidulhan

    nayidulhan Senior IL'ite

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    Thyagarajan, your post made me smile. I wish I could do what you suggested! But our women's brains seem to be wired differently!
     
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  9. Rihana

    Rihana IL Hall of Fame

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    Such expectations and the expectations being indulged are never one-sided arrangements. The problem-solver person in your position in such situations also gains. Hard to describe what they gain. It is often one of the intangible Maslow's heirarchy thingies. It is heady to be needed like that and to be the one who can fix problems.
    Why do you keep dissing your SIL like this? Why don't you say "I am more qualified and experienced and capable than my parents and brother and SIL...."?

    I'll be frank here. No dilemma. You like being important to them and being needed and showing up and being the problem solver. Now that they need a less pleasant help that has more responsibility, you are not so keen to show up and help.
     
  10. nayidulhan

    nayidulhan Senior IL'ite

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    nakshatra1, thanks! you are the first person to assure me that God has watched everything and has his blessings upon me for all the service I rendered to my FIL. Absolutely nobody in my husband's family said any such thing!

    Regarding sharing of responsiblities, I used to think that all adults should be mature enough to figure that out and should not put other people in any awkward situations wherein duties and responsibilities have to be actually spoken aloud and reminded about! My MIL and SIL pretended to be two innocent poor ladies who are in emotional distress over the illness to their husband/father. He had a severe heart attack and had to be operated upon.

    In such a case, my hubby should have talked to his mother and sister. But I think he imagines his wife is some robot that can work mechanically for years together without taking any break at all.

    Regarding my family, due to all the reasons I mentioned above in my replies to others, I am called upon for every slight deviation from the normal. I sometimes wonder what they think of me. If I am some kind of a magician or something.



     

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