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What's Wrong With Me! Please Guide!!

Discussion in 'Parents & Siblings' started by nayidulhan, May 20, 2019.

  1. nayidulhan

    nayidulhan Senior IL'ite

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    Dear Friends,
    On my husband's side, we are parents in law, hubby+me+child (and hubby's sister+husband+child). We used to stay as a joint family with my parents in law with the house being theirs but we (hubby & I ) paying all the bills including all the groceries, paid for the renovation of the entire 2 storey house, etc. All this by the instructions of my parents in law. And during my entire stay there not even for 5 minutes did my MIL help take care of my child. I was on the verge of falling apart handling the child on my own since she did not allow me to employ a babysitter/ maid as well. At that point of time, my life was such that we would have had to stay in that city and that house forever. However, with the turn of events, a couple of years back we shifted to another city (the city where my family stays) due to hubby's work requirement. My hubby's sister however stays there during her entire vacation, MIL has been babysitting her child since the beginning, in fact she stayed 1 full school year with my PIL when she got her child admitted to a school there. Since her husband was abroad. And last year when my FIL had a severe life & death situation, believe me... neither my MIL stayed with him in the hospital nor did my SIL visit him once to check on him. My husband and I did all his nursing on our own. And when he recovered and returned home, they started not only gushing all over him but also convincing him how it was in his best interest that these 2 ladies stayed away during the entire illness period!

    Now on my side, I had been helping in my family business initially but eventually started retreating slowly... with my bro's marriage, his child, etc. Periodically, I had been paid my share and several times even more than my share of profit, out of love & affection and I am thankful for all that. In general too, my family is a very helpful family and feels for others easily. There is my bed ridden grandparent in the house and there is a very strong-headed, egoistic, almost non-cooperating kind of attendant for the grandparent. My brother's wife and the attendant can chat/ gossip for hours together but she never instructs the attendant to do anything as she doesn't want to fall in the attendant's bad books! My parents are soft spoken and can never exercise authority. So in the interest of the grandparent, my brother always asked me to talk to and instruct the attendant. Now,my brother and his family want to go on a long holiday to a very distant place. Leaving the responsibility on my shoulders. I was sweet-talked into it all and was not even aware they are planning any such thing. So gullible me!

    Now I feel bad and hurt. I feel everyone takes me for granted, makes a fool of me. I am fed of all the responsibilities and I am emotionally incapable of handling all this. Am I being selfish ? How should I handle it all? All this work has been affecting my mental health and ruining my physical health as well. I feel hurt that people almost like "use"me. Please guide!
     
    Thyagarajan likes this.
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  2. Amulet

    Amulet Platinum IL'ite

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    you must take a daily vitamin. From your post, I understand that your whole family -- both sides -- depend on you a lot. You MUST help them.

    And when you visit the doctor, for periodical health check, tell her about your mental issues. Perhaps she can prescribe you antidepressent medicine.
     
  3. Needtobestrong

    Needtobestrong Gold IL'ite

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    What is wrong with you- you don't know how to say no...
    The more responsibilities you take up, the more you will be dumped with...
     
  4. saileela85

    saileela85 Bronze IL'ite

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    Delegate things and stand for yourself..
     
    nayidulhan and SinghManisha like this.
  5. Anusha2917

    Anusha2917 Finest Post Winner

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    OP it's true you have been taken for granted and you have realized it late. (okay better late than never). Going forward don't let it happen and be assertive in communication.
    Regarding helping your FIL you should have told MIL and SIL that you both helping him will make him feel more comfortable than me. Off course your help is needed to them at places like cooking and sending meals to hospital etc. Try to get into "indirect helping" than directly getting involved here. At the end of the day they should notice your help but not take you for granted .
    When you say responsibility on your shoulders , my question is should you be present physically there to instruct the attendant ?
    1) If you have to do a phone co ordination you can do it if you have a willingness to do.
    2) If you have to be physically present there then tell them that you have a family to take care of and you cannot leave them and come. Your kids, husband and in laws need you . They should be in a position to understand.

    OP next time be sure of your priorities and learn to say "NO" to people. Even if it is someone as close as a own brother. Don't do anything which will later make you think otherwise or regret.
    Be there for your family . But be there for yourself first. Your physical and mental health is equally important as their old age health issues.

    Plus think of changing that attendant if he/she is non co-operative , egoistic in nature.
     
  6. Amulet

    Amulet Platinum IL'ite

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    Are OP and her hubby pre-paying for ownership of the whole estate ?
    Sometimes people work themselves to the bones on the promise that "someday all this will be yours", but that someday would seem far far away. And one would descend into deep funk.

    And one would often get the feeling that someday, when it eventually arrives, one would be too worn out to take advantage of the grand ownership and its benefits.
    [​IMG]

    First daughter in-laws of homes in a joint-family with parent-in-laws who own tangible property and bank accounts for potential bequeathal will have learn about Options Contract, and pricing of options. Or at least have some rule-of-thumb notion of how to estimate the net present value of some distant future gains.

    Staying healthy -- eating well, exercising, taking care of health is a good solution. Nothing can be gained by being inimical/hostile to those with whom she has to continue to live.... or sustain long term good relations.
     
    Last edited: May 20, 2019
  7. Desiindian

    Desiindian Silver IL'ite

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    OP, Your post sounds like a self realisation on your weakness. If I were you, this time I will accept the brother's request to manage the attendant on his absence. If she shows arrogance to me and find difficult handle her, I would tell him to look for another attendant or get help somewhere next time.
    They are already managing all through the year, it's ok if you pitch in for some time. A week or so doesn't matter. After all he is your grandfather. Taking care of our lovedones during illness is the best gratitude we could return.
    I am also sailing on the boat, fuming from inside for taking me granted in the past from Inlaws side. Not able to let go of it. Still feeling bad for not standing up for myself then. At least now, am not the same person.
     
  8. Thyagarajan

    Thyagarajan IL Hall of Fame

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    :hello:it looks very simple.
    2. Just get admitted in hospital feigning undiagnosable illness, pretending some ache here and there & relax. Catch up with your backlog of reading listening TV to music and order nice food and enjoy.
    (Let )Every one attribute it to your general weakness and let it remain so.
    3. Those desire of distance landscape make alternate arrangements and that is the time you come back to pavillion.
    God saves others spend and relax.
     
    nayidulhan and SinghManisha like this.
  9. nakshatra1

    nakshatra1 Platinum IL'ite

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    W.r.t your inlaws , You did a good job by taking care of your FIL in sickness-God's blessings will surely be upon you. I feel you are overworked and you need to discuss properly about sharing of responsibilities when you are tired.No need to feel awkward.I cant believe your SIL did not visit her hospitalised father- such people exist and we do come across them. You can discuss frankly with SIL about shifts and timing whenever such illnesses/fevers come. We need to take care of our loved ones when they are ill- you should not neglect.But when you say it is time for your to sleep and someone else has to take over for some hours, no one can be offended.You can take care properly only when you are well rested yourself.But never neglect any elderly family members when they are sick - be it inlaws' side or parents' side.

    Firstly, please don't feel like a fool/used. See, we women have responsibilities towards our parents' side equally as inlaws. Our "share" includes our share of responsibilities. I dont think your brother/wife using you /made fool of you- they have and will take care entire life- just they asked you for temporary help.It's nothing for you to feel stupid about. Just you need to balance both inlaws and parents.

    And most importantly, responsibility does not always have to be physical, you can hire help and supervise. If primary responsibility is yours, then it's your decision to hire help or not in inlaws' house.
     
    Last edited: May 20, 2019
  10. senorita2019

    senorita2019 Gold IL'ite

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    You got it right, you are being taken for granted.

    You can firmly say NO and tell them to do it or you can fake a reason and get out of it. Its your choice. But people wont change, thats for sure. They will dump all the work on you forever until you stand up and stop it.

    thats the reality.
     

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