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What Would You Do

Discussion in 'Friends & Neighbours' started by Deepa100, Apr 25, 2017.

  1. Amica

    Amica IL Hall of Fame

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    @Deepa100, learning about your friend's new house like this can be hurtful. *hugs*

    Yes, be gracious. Attend the housewarming, take a gift, be happy for them.

    Wait till the hurt passes and then think about whether or not you want to stay friends. Take everything into consideration — past behavior, this incident, future relationship potential.

    Then if you don't like her, if this incident is the final straw, walk away. Nothing good comes of staying in a friendship resentfully.

    If you really did see her as a good friend, try to salvage the relationship. Meet her face to face and talk openly about how you feel. It's possible she has no idea that you feel ignored at her parties. It's possible that she didn't tell anybody at all about the new place and her DH told your DH because they consider you as close friends. People conceal personal news for their own reasons. It may not be intended as a slight to you.

    Good friends are hard to find in this country; don't let a misunderstanding rob you of one.
    .
     
    Laks09, Deepa100 and GoneGirl like this.
  2. Amica

    Amica IL Hall of Fame

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    Virtual communications are here to stay. One advantage to the sender is that they invite everybody at the same time and can't be later accused of playing favorites. With personal invitations, the last one invited often feels offended.
    .
     
    Deepa100 likes this.
  3. Deepa100

    Deepa100 Gold IL'ite

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    Dear friends,

    This is what happened finally.

    My friend called me today and asked me if I saw the invite.

    I first congratulated her and then I asked her why she didn't tell when she came over. She said that time since they didn't get the keys yet, they wanted to hold off telling anyone.

    Then I asked her why she did not tell me after confirmation. Just a word over phone before sending out the evite would have been appreciable.

    She gave it a thought and quickly apologised. She said she sent out invites to everybody and thought she will follow up with calls. She realised and said that maybe others too felt like the way I did and that she should have done other way around.
    She apologised and asked me to come to the function and that it was her mistake for having hurt me.

    I told her it is nice if you to have understood my point. I told her that I did feel bad when I got the evite without any hints from your side. Also, told her that for the record, I do not see her as hubby's friends wife but as my friend.

    So this way things were sorted out amicably .
    We spoke generally for some more time.

    You know what friends, I felt a LOTTTTT lighter than before.
    Thanks to all you guys for responding promptly with wonderful suggestions and advice.
     
    Shanvy, sindmani, Sunshine04 and 2 others like this.
  4. Jazmine83

    Jazmine83 Gold IL'ite

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    Op..

    U r what I call emotionally high maintenance friend. Making a mountain of out of a mole hole!
     
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  5. Deepa100

    Deepa100 Gold IL'ite

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    Jazmine,

    You seem to know me very well !!!!!!!
    Like I always say, it takes one to know one

    Thanks for your response anyways. I was here to get a ear to listen to me and like I expected found a lot of friendly people whose suggestions helped me clear the cobwebs in my mind.

    I am not here to have myself evaluated or judged or be branded . I am sure no one else is either.

     
  6. Jazmine83

    Jazmine83 Gold IL'ite

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    You post online and you will have to hear everyone's opinion

    U r a great friend to have for sure! Not even knowing ur friends situation u went to the extent of thinking of not attending her house warming!!then to top it of, even if u attend u wanted to give her a small gift! How cheap is that???Awesome respect for ur years of friendship! You know why men can maintain better friendship?? Because they don't think like u! U should b happy they finally bought a place... That is friendship.. Not this attitude she did not tell me in person so I am not happy for her!!

    And if u r a true friend .. You will let that person enjoy their special moment and not spoil it! U r emotionally high maintenance!
     
    Last edited: May 2, 2017
  7. SGBV

    SGBV IL Hall of Fame

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    @Deepa100

    Good to know that your problem has sorted out amicably; making you feel light.

    But I do not think I am very late to opine here. Such problems may repeat, and there is a way to handle them without complicating it too much.

    Your hurt is very valid. Anyone in your shoes would have felt the same, and it is reasonable too.
    However, how you reacted to this pain might differ from how I would react.

    First of all, acceptance is very important in any relationship.
    Your friend or even your family member may act completely different from you. It is their uniqueness, their circumstance, their experience or whatever. But accept them for who are they.
    Do not bring such formalities before relationship.

    A few months back, my own sister - who is more than a sister to me, became pregnant. It was her 3rd pregnancy, and an accidental one as she never planned a 3rd kid.
    It was more than a month since she confirmed the pregnancy by HPT, blood test, and a scan yet she chose to withheld the info from us for whatever the reason.
    Probably she might have felt inconvenient to speak about this. Not even to our mom.
    When mom and I visited her, she was packing some sweets to work in order to gift her pregnant colleague. That time we casually talked about that friend's pregnancy and my sister's MIL thought we are actually talking about sister's pregnancy; thus broke the news to us.
    We were quite surprised initially. Felt hurt for a moment since sister did not utter a word yet. But the next minute we understood her and took it sportively without giving her any hard times.

    It happens with all of us. We act differently and fail to observe the basic courtesy for whatever the reason. But expect our near dear ones to accept us and our circumstance.
    Your friend's circumstance was clearly explained and it seems you were ok with that.

    If I were you, I would have called her the moment I received the invite to clear the air. I am sure, this friend would have given the same explanation that time, and the problem would have sorted out amicably that moment itself.
    But you have taken it very personally as an insult, and felt very defensive and even started to bring old topics like how she behaved with you in the past only to validate your hurt and pain. This way, you failed to stand on your friends' shoe. It doesn't seem to be an equal or close friendship rather an imbalance one.

    The problem is not the mode of invite, but the closeness of friends....
    I wouldn't bother to think the circumstance or problems of the person if she is not so close to me.
     
    sindmani likes this.
  8. yellowmango

    yellowmango IL Hall of Fame

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    Your friend has a lot of patience to bear with the interrogation .
     
  9. Shanvy

    Shanvy IL Hall of Fame

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    Or she values the friendship lot more than op thinks..
     
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  10. yellowmango

    yellowmango IL Hall of Fame

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    I don't understand this forced need to know everything in the lives of other people even if they are friends .
    People have the right to their lives.

    I don't think my friends or even family owe me information about what they are buying or when they are planning a baby or give a running commentary on their life decisions.Nor do I expect my friends to have such expectations.That would be so draining. :eek:
     

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