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What Would You Do

Discussion in 'Friends & Neighbours' started by Deepa100, Apr 25, 2017.

  1. Deepa100

    Deepa100 Gold IL'ite

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    Dear friends,

    There is this friend of mine who is also living in the same apartment building as me. Our husbands used to work together before and are still good friends.

    This lady and me used to meet very frequently and used to reach out for help to each other too when required. Basically we got along well.

    Now, this couple got a house. She did not even inform me about her purchase even when she came home a week back. Instead she enquired about the schools, cost of education in USA etc.

    All of a sudden, yesterday she sends out an evite about housewarming party.
    No follow-up calls to even courteously mention about the big event. She is a working woman with lot of years experience and has been in USA since many years if that matters with knowledge on etiquette n courtesies.

    Now, let me mention here that her husband ran into my husband by chance just before couple of days and he told about the purchase and told my husband not to tell any other mutual friends since he wanted to tell it on his own. Fair enough.

    My hubby asked me if my friend had told anything about their new house and thats how I learnt from him and I felt very bad because my friend had not told me directly. See, it's different if I had not known her and only if the husbands had been friends.

    We both know each other pretty well so much that when her husband was travelling for a while she has taken my help in taking care of her child during her working hours as she works from home.

    I know some of you might say, she would have expected my husband to tell me after hearing from her hubby but mind you we are next door neighbours.

    Is it not basic courtesy and etiquette to at least inform about the purchase while you come to seek information? I am her friend much more than her husbands right!?

    I really don't want to goto this event because I am hurt she chose not to tell me after giving the impression she is a good friend. I feel used somewhat.

    Another problem with her is, she has a big group of friends(all hubby's friends families) and when in a group she tends to ignore me and be friendly with the other ladies and for the record, these ladies meet every weekend. I bake cakes and decorate them well too. In parties she declares loudly , hey cake lady we need u to cut the cake, otherwise she does not even look at me. It feels like she is shaming me but I ignored tht too.
    Other times she is very pleasant.

    If you were in my place, would you respect this invite and goto the event? I am mighty hurt and angry too.
     
  2. Rihana

    Rihana Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    IMO, your hurt feeling is valid. You guys met frequently and were close enough that a big news like buying a house is shared by email or chat or phone before sending out a house-warming invite. That her husband told your husband when they ran into each other, does not count.

    You should go to the housewarming, as it not a friendship just between the women. Be cool. If you haven't already, RSVP a bit late. Give a smaller gift than you would have. Stay for a short time at the party. If they will be moving very far away, you can make an excuse and not attend.

    My neighbor who used my help for babysitting her sick kid in emergency, and took lots of other help such as helping her kids when they got locked out, and much more, didn't tell they were selling the house, and I came to know when the For Sale sign went up. : )
     
  3. Yumna

    Yumna Platinum IL'ite

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    Dear Deepa,

    Most likely if I am in your place I will not attend the event.

    The way you are feeling is quite normal and I can relate to it very well.

    Same happened with me.Only difference that she texted me from another country that they have moved to xyz country and she was so busy to say bye.
     
    sindmani likes this.
  4. DDream

    DDream Finest Post Winner

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    Op, I think it is quite natural to feel the way you think. You feel hurt because you were sincere to her and thought she will share big/ happpy events in their life. I have seen many people like this in USA. They consider it as part of their private life. We will came to know only when it is done. I don't know why people do that especially when we treat them as a friend and share everything. I think she go to other people, to interact with them in those parties because she may be thinking you are always available. Many people here send evite invitation, not any personal invitation even by phone call (even close friends for their kids party etc), that is the style here. You need to accept that.

    Just consider it as a learning experience . Anyways, she is moving to another place, so your chance of interacting with her go down. If she ask for help, try to find excuses and escape.

    If I were in your place, I will go ( why should we degrade to her level) and give her a gift ( may be smaller like the above poster mentioned) and spend some time in their house and leave.. Do not expect more. I will be very cautious in future to offer my help or interact or may stop sharing similar things happening in my life to her.
     
    Last edited: Apr 25, 2017
    sindmani, Laks09 and AnooSA like this.
  5. Sunshine04

    Sunshine04 Platinum IL'ite

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    Atleast you got to know she is not ur friend.
    Stop speaking with her and don't help her.
    Don't hurt urself anymore for her.
    Get on with ur life
     
    sindmani, NeetaR and shri0218 like this.
  6. Deepa100

    Deepa100 Gold IL'ite

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    Thank you Rihanna for responding !

    I have not yet RSVPd. Thing is, I am cool with evites or WhatsApp invites but straight away sending one out without any clue of the event is a bit uncourteous I felt.

    She is moving to a townhouse in the same apt community. So I will be bumping into her and later on too as we share some common friends.

    My hubby too did not like her approach but he told me to calmly ask her why she didn't mention a word just so that I feel a bit better. But he told me to avoid confrontations as it will end up in awakward situation later on.



     
  7. Deepa100

    Deepa100 Gold IL'ite

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    Thanks for the response Sunshine,

    Yes, it's right what you said about her not being a gud friend but she has become like the necessary evil.

     
  8. Deepa100

    Deepa100 Gold IL'ite

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    Thanks Dream for your response!

    Agree with what you say totally.. wonder why people
    Do such things.
    Like I said evite or WhatsApp is totally fine with me
    As long as such big news is conveyed personally initially And not like the way it hurts others sentiments, isn't it..

     
  9. Deepa100

    Deepa100 Gold IL'ite

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    Yumna,

    Thanks for responding!!

    That would have hurt a lot when your friend did that!!

     
  10. Priya16

    Priya16 IL Hall of Fame

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    a lot of times, we feel people are our friends but they are really an acquaintance.
    it took me a long to time to explain my husband difference between friends and neighbor or just a person you meet often but they are not your friends.
    Once you can identify the difference then things won't hurt you anymore.
    But anyway, definitely you should go and maintain a small footprint and don't feel she is your friend.
    If she asks for help more than you can effort, say no...
     

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