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what would you do-please suggest

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by joytoworld76, Jun 15, 2009.

  1. asuitablegirl

    asuitablegirl Gold IL'ite

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    I know you addressed your comment to Preethi, but just let me say, you can't wait around for society to change on it's own. If you want something, go get it! Like the saying "We must be the change we wish to see in the world."

    Honestly, if you can't stand up for yourself and make your feelings known, then nobody else will be able to help you. We ladies can give you moral support and tell you that you are right, but what you do with that information is up to you. Yes, "big drama" is a pain to deal with, but you have to decide what is more painful to you.... dealing with mil/sil temper tantrums or living life without the second child you wanted. I really feel you need to find your courage and stop letting other people's bad behavior dictate your life. Just my opinion.
     
  2. thinkpositive

    thinkpositive New IL'ite

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    what do you mean by saying the 2nd kid will be taken away by your MIL? arrey its your kid, why will you have to give up the kid? What will happen if you just SAY NO and say i will keep the kid for myself? What will happen i ask you? Some drama and shouting? So what? Grow a spine, stand up for yourself, tell your husband to not be so spineless and stand up for you and the kids - if worse comes to worse tell the inlaws you'll complain to the police and the lawyers and also tell all your relatives and friends that your in-laws are forcibly taking away the kid from you, see what drama that creates! And arent you and your hubby adults with a kid of your own? So how come your mil is giving orders and you guys are following those orders like little kids yourself? You are an adult, treat yourself like an adult, maybe your mil will start to treat you and hubby like adults too. And I kept getting the feeling throughout your posts that you have sort of resigned to going along with whatever others(in-laws, society etc.) say - eg grand marriage, adopting kids yourself etc. why this deafeatist attitude? Be brave, believe in yourself, your MIL is just another human being like you, not a god, so open your mouth and tell her NO!
     
  3. Drpreethis

    Drpreethis Gold IL'ite

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    First and foremost get my name right !! :) Jokes apart.. I disagree when you say that we cant be the change and we are in transition ! We " are " educated isnt ? So, why look at others when you want a change in life ?
    How can you say I have my desires but the society will not allow me to go for it ? I dont see practicality there. If you have the courage, you simply stand up for yourself. If you set the right example now, tommorow your daughter will learn it from you. Anyways, since you said your SIL and her husband are narrow minded when it comes to adoption.. I proposed it to you since you were depserate to get a sibling for your daughter. This way, you will send a message to your SIL that adoption is indeed a good deed !

    Dont tell me about the older generation, Joy. My uncles have adopted kids and we never knew so till we were adults.. Such was the love we shared. My dad wanted to go for an intercaste marriage but by then mommy happened !! :) So, even during yesteryears there has been different thinking or what you say an educated thinking. It is just about
    ' practicing ' it .. None of my oldr generation have enven crossed a sea away fom India ! Everyone lived there in small towns and thought this way.

    You were brooding and feeling deppressed.. So, I gave my best shot to your situation. I feel, it is better to face up than brood. That is all. What you can possibly do, is your take. As ASG said, we are here to support you and clarify wether you could be right or wrong with God-given intellegence. But what you can finally do, is upto you.

    P.S - I told you arent bold enough.. because you couldnt give them back when they even thought of ' asking your baby ' ! You listened.. and wanted peace at home at the cost of your desires. So, my opinion went on.
    Moreover your title read - WHAT WOULD YOU DO ?? So, I TOLD you what I would hav done ! :)

    Good Luck in whatever you do ! :thumbsup
     
    Last edited: Jun 16, 2009
  4. joytoworld76

    joytoworld76 New IL'ite

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    Thank you suitablegirl,think positive & Preethi(hope the spelling is right :hiya...sorry i was totally depressed...did not spellcheck:spin)..
    When we planned for simple marriage ,my MIL started crying,left food..she said she will not even drink water.....she ganged up her siblings & made big issue out of it...hence my hubby has to give up & agree..."Be the change you would like to see" is difficult to implement in India with such narrow minded people who emotionally blackmail every time u try to change in your own home....Its easy to implement outside..that's why i said we are in transition generation....
    Thank you for the support..i feel so free to discuss all my problems here...you guys are really great....i am still evaluating my present situation with all the valuable inputs from you....My biggest problem is my MIL...all my MIL siblings live nearby.....she has big support system as she supports them financially...she will inform everyone & all give unrequired suggestion & support to SIL for every small stuff...i am looked as bad person if i say "i will not"..Imagine this is such a big step in my Life....Hubby's says just focus on career & daughter ignore everything....Its not easy to ignore everytime . I handle such a reponsible position in office but handling Dominating MIL is the hardest stuff than handling any tough assignment in office.if you have any tips how to deal with her easily please suggest.
    Appriciate your time in reading my issue & suggesting solution
     
  5. MrsV

    MrsV Bronze IL'ite

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    Your post just left me with my mouth hanging.. I couldn't fathom someone could even think of this.

    And your husband can't say anything to his taunting mother? If you want to adopt, go ahead, its your choice and if you choose to have a second biological child, you do not have to give your child to your SIL. I can't believe what this world has come to!
     
  6. Ria2006

    Ria2006 Silver IL'ite

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    Hmm..

    Here is reality my dear..
    You are your own biggest hurdle to have second kid.no one else MIL,SIL or anybody else.. They are just excuse for you to hide your own inability.

    "Please-everyone around you" kind of people live in this double world all the time.. They are one reality and they create another reality around them.

    If I were you, I would have shown my assertive self by now to anyone around me. Being nice and being weak are two different things. People pick the weak vibes and start ruling all over them. Such is thing which you are seeing by MIL,SIL. Your husband atleast sees your side. Take that point to your advantage and change your own personality to stand for things which really matter to you.

    Tell your dear MIL FIRMLY that you will have second child and you will be okay for your SIL to be active with him or her. NOTHING BEYOND THAT. You tell her this and continue with your plan. It may hurt her for a week or two.. She will recover. Dont try to please her in between.. Sometime little silence does magic to real practical family issues..

    Ria
     
  7. sunitha

    sunitha Gold IL'ite

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    See joytotheworld...firstly give joy to yourself,then think about the world!!:thumbsup

    This is the problem with you,you are only thinking about the world here-MIL/SIL etc etc.Just think for yourself and your kid first.You want to have another kid,go for it.Then change your attitude ,that is the biggest step for you.BE BOLD..I can't believe why some women are so meek! Your MIL may be what she is,let her be.Like everyone says,let her go ahead with her drama ,crying,fasting anything.JUST IGNORE and shut yourself out from all these things.Relationships will become sour,let it be.The world is not going to end.I can't understand how the other SIL could be so bold and tell them it is not possible to give up her child and here you are just stuck with depression thinking about this.You need to learn one or two things from that other SIL and if possible take her help too in fighting with this beast of a MIL!:rant
     
  8. mahika

    mahika Bronze IL'ite

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    what would i do ?well first of all it is my biological kid so i will put my foot down ,NO means NO .If my MIL Is a drama queen i can be bigger drama queen than her ,touch my kids and get ready to see the drama .there is no compromise on that PERIOD.Regarding my kids i wouldnt even care for my hubby if he joins my inlaws gang .what would you say tommorow if your MIL wants to marry your daughter to a person you dont like and you hubby stands and joins them .wouldnt you stand up or still keep thinking of the society,presure drama .remember if we like to be door mat then others will treat us as door mat and what example are you puuting in front of your daughter .she is also subconsously learning to give into inlaws and society demands .
    i am really angry at you and would blame you .this world is full of all kind of people if we want to avoid the influence of stupid people we can it is all in our hands.
    since you asked what would you do .let me tell you one thing i learned from my mom ....always protect your kids like a lioness.I would stand against this whole world when it comes to my kids ,dont care for sil,bil,mil ,no one can decide any thing for them leave alone take them from me .Get a spine stand for your kids atleast .
     
  9. asuitablegirl

    asuitablegirl Gold IL'ite

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    Joy, do you know who said that quote? Gandhi. In India.

    I agree with what Ria said, you are your own biggest hurdle. Don't psyche yourself out by imagining mil/sil as larger than life. They are simply people, just like you! Yes they can create drama, but just don't let yourself get sucked in. Distance yourself from it. If your mil wants to refuse food, let her! Don't tell me for one minute she'll refuse food until starvation. Maybe one day, two days she won't eat... but eventually the charm of her tantrum will wear off and she will relize the pointlessness of her behavior. A fish only gets caught if it takes the bait. So Joy, don't take the bait!
     
  10. tiyamommy

    tiyamommy New IL'ite

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    as rightly said by ASG , children are not commodities. Ur MIL n SIL are insane if they are serious abt their demands of a kid from u. But if u want a kid, discuss this with ur husband and let him know that, if u guys want a baby , that wil be raised by u guys , his sis's health issues is hers.. u can be sympathetic to her, help her financially to get treatment or act emotional support..

    Just check out how much supportive ur husband wud be in this case , and go ahead n be stubborn abt ur decision.. Nobody can take a baby away from a mother for watever reasons.. Baby is a combined decision of husband and wife, not some SIL or MIL.. So u discuss it with him n let him know ur decision. Even a father wudnt dare to give away his child. It requires lot of moral courage to give up on one's own child for any sane person.

    when i read these kind of posts i feel myself luckier, not to have faced these.. Im really growing up looking at p'lems in IL, i thot these r things of the past gen, but they still exist in our society.

    Hope ur wishes come true

    cheers
    tiyamommy
     

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