1. How to Build Positivity in Married Life? : Click Here
    Dismiss Notice

What To Do?

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by Starkgirl, Jan 20, 2018.

  1. Starkgirl

    Starkgirl Silver IL'ite

    Messages:
    98
    Likes Received:
    73
    Trophy Points:
    58
    Gender:
    Female
    It’s been 2 years since our marriage and I got to stay with my mil just recently since me and dh stay in another country. mil came to stay with us for couple of months before that I used to talk to her whenever dh called and she was totally fine over phone. Even now I can say she is not a bad person but sometime she is just difficult to be around.

    When she came here to stay with us, initially she was fine But suddenly she used to get angry at everyone and everything and she used to take it on me. Sometime it used to come as sarcasm or sometime just direct rudeness. I am emotional person and it used to bother me so much. And slowly it became more and more to the point it increased my anxiety ( I do suffer from anxiety disorder) because one minute she is fine and then she is not....It’s like I am always on edge.
    Dh observed what was happening and he spoke to his mom that she shouldn’t behave like that as it is affecting my health ... of course she did not like it , she was angry , she was irritated And as days went on she used to tell me indirectly that I am a mistake, she never said such things when dh was around .... it went on to a point where I really believed her words , I used to think that may be I am not a good wife and if I have kids never will be good mother because of my anxiety my dh will suffer too... but I couldn’t take it anymore so I told her to stop doing this to me, whatever issue I have is not her concern but mine and dh, we will handle it, I told her to stay out of it nicely and she understood it.
    DH WAS Supportive of me, he understood what was happening but his only request was to try to avoid fights if possible but it was impossible for me. The more dh asked me to ignore the more her words used to affect me , I used to hate being around her.... she had issue if I cook something of my choice , if I sleep after lunch, if I go somewhere without telling her , if I ask dh for help, if dh help, if I don’t listen to her , the list never end and sometime for no reason she used to get angry.... always irritated and in the end she has to take it on me only then she used to feel better. But she was good to me too. .
    So I don’t know how to handle her or what I should feel towards her.

    Sometime I hate her like anything but but then I let go of that anger only to be consumed of that anger once again.

    What do you call her ?
    What is her issue? How should I handle her ? Dh is very supportive of me , he has seen what his mom did to me and he had fought for me every time she behaved like that. But the same time he had asked me to ignore her , forgive her since she is old and must be feeling all alone , scared thinking that we might abandon her.

    So I don’t know what to do
     
  2. Deborah

    Deborah Gold IL'ite

    Messages:
    360
    Likes Received:
    603
    Trophy Points:
    173
    Gender:
    Female
    OP, is your MIL still staying with you?
    Anyways, you don't need to worry about what issue she has. There might or might not be. That's not your problem to solve. Your problem is how to tackle her. The good thing is your husband supports you and has your back. The least you can do is do what he has asked of you. No more fights . Treat her like you treat a child since she is behaving like one . Ask her what she would like to eat before meals. Make that and also something of your own liking if possible. She is with you for a short time , so you have to the bigger person here. Cook things of her choice 2-3 days and then say you would like to eat some thing else since it has been so many days . Say this very politely . You like napping after lunch and she doesn't like it . Say politely but firmly that you need to nap but will be up soon. Inform her before leaving the house. This is not much. She is in a foreign land and you can be courteous which I am sure you already are.If she still gets cross with you, apologise and speak nicely specially o front of your husband.There is no need to doubt yourself . Don't show your weak side to her . Be strong and make her stay memorable here.
     
    SuperStar1, Starkgirl and Sandycandy like this.
  3. Sandycandy

    Sandycandy IL Hall of Fame

    Messages:
    1,807
    Likes Received:
    5,249
    Trophy Points:
    383
    Gender:
    Female
    What do you call her ? Typical Indian MIL
    What is her issue ? You are her DIL
    How do I handle her ?
    Convince yourself that you are not a mistake .
    Realize that she would consider you a mistake even without your anxiety issues ( even if you were miss world ) .
    Don’t let MIL be a permanent resident in your head. Reject her visa application in Starkgirl land.
    Cook whatever you like and take that nap after lunch, no justifications , no guilt !
    Forgive her if YOU want to, if not let her be and IGNORE ! But don’t let hate take over your life. Keep yourself busy !
    Cherish your man, he stands up for you against his mother . Quite a rarity , so respect his wishes and don’t get into “fights”.
    Take care !!
     
  4. Starkgirl

    Starkgirl Silver IL'ite

    Messages:
    98
    Likes Received:
    73
    Trophy Points:
    58
    Gender:
    Female
    Thanks ladies for your advice, I will consider it . I will do everything in my power to let go of those negative emotions. I don’t want to hate her , she is mother of my dh- who supported me through everything.... at least I can do this for him but I will make sure it will not affect me in anyway. As you said one can’t please “mil” so be it.

    It is just I can’t think straight when I am filled with anxiety, it feels like whole world is coming to get me and I get so defensive... i will work on it.
    I am “0” assertive but I am working on it too , i think most my problem will solve if I learn to express more effectively and stand up for myself no matter what.

    Thanks
    And no she is not staying with us right now
     
    Sandycandy likes this.
  5. yellowmango

    yellowmango IL Hall of Fame

    Messages:
    7,663
    Likes Received:
    23,148
    Trophy Points:
    440
    Gender:
    Female
    Op....first visit by troublesome mil is always overwhelming.

    Do not worry....she is just being a mil. A majority of mils are like her.

    Even if she had a different dil,she would still be doing this.

    Even if you had a different mil,there is a high chance that she would also do some of the things that this one does.

    She does not live with you . Your husband is good to you.
    When she comes the next time,you would have grown in confidence as the lady of the house.Your bond with husband would be stronger.

    Talk to husband and tell him you will need his help when she is around .
    If things get too much,seek his help . Make friends around so that you will have some respite.

    It is fine to dislike a person if she is bad to you without feeling any guilt even if she has brought up husband with love and care. We are responsible to have feelings according to how how we are treated.
    You just need to be right in your treatment of her.

    If she is rude...politely tell her not to be rude as it hurts your feelings.
    If she criticizes your food choices...tell her that your husband likes that food.

    You tell husband to let her know you need to sleep in the afternoon .

    Don't ask dh to help out when she is around. Tell him before hand what you need done. Ask him to make the beds in your room,get stuff from outside .Stuff that he does not have to do right in in front of her face.

    Tell husband to take her out a few time and you stay back home . Pack them a picnic basket and send them out. You have some time to yourself and a break from her.

    I used to scream in my sleep when my mil was about to visit. That was the kind of fear I had. Things get better with time.
    Chill and enjoy your life.
     
    Sandycandy and shravs3 like this.
  6. Starkgirl

    Starkgirl Silver IL'ite

    Messages:
    98
    Likes Received:
    73
    Trophy Points:
    58
    Gender:
    Female
    Thank you , after reading all these posts I am feeling lot better

    Now she is fine when I talk to her over phone but she is different when you stay with her, she has so much of mood swings, my dh think it is because of old age ... that is why he is asking me to ignore her if she is moody , irritated but he has made it clear to me that I have every right to stop her if she is being rude to me for no reason.

    I think I will stick to this plan. And rest let her think whatever she wants to think about me ...

    Thank you once again
     
    Sandycandy likes this.
  7. samsWait

    samsWait Silver IL'ite

    Messages:
    184
    Likes Received:
    178
    Trophy Points:
    93
    Gender:
    Female
    How old is she? Many MILs in their early 50s go through mood swings due to hormonal issues because of approaching menopause.They also get a whole set of new ailments because of that and can be overwhelmed by them. It is kind of their mid life crisis. It may not be related to you but you are a soft target that's all.
     
  8. Starkgirl

    Starkgirl Silver IL'ite

    Messages:
    98
    Likes Received:
    73
    Trophy Points:
    58
    Gender:
    Female
    she is almost 65 , yeah dh feels the same that’s why he asks me to ignore her if she is being just moody
     
  9. yellowmango

    yellowmango IL Hall of Fame

    Messages:
    7,663
    Likes Received:
    23,148
    Trophy Points:
    440
    Gender:
    Female
    She is past the menopause stage.
    Besides menopause will result in moodiness with everyone....not just the daughter in law.She is just in her mother in law stage.:)
     
    Sandycandy and Starkgirl like this.
  10. Anjana124

    Anjana124 Senior IL'ite

    Messages:
    27
    Likes Received:
    18
    Trophy Points:
    23
    Gender:
    Female
    She is winning everytime you react. Your anxiety is her weapon. Everytime something unpleasant happens, try chanting, meditating.. take no verbal actions.. that would worsen..
     
    Sandycandy and Starkgirl like this.

Share This Page