What To Do This Man? Is It Ppd?

sanjuruby3 · May 4, 2019

We have 1 month old baby and 5 yr old. My situation is worst and i am at lowest point in my life.

I feel my H is not supportive at all and running away from responsibilities. He hardly helps in any of work at home and does not even clean up or cuddle baby much. It is not that he is busy with toddler all the time.

We were in our 40s when we decided to have another one. It was very late and I knew risks and stresses but our older one was going out of control so we thought sibling will help.

I realized decision was wrong soon. I did not get sick in pregnancy but had smell issues. But H did not help at all.
Too much of work or stress on me because of job, toddler, him and house work. So many house parties because H wanted and lot of household work on me, then people incoming on weekends and toddler ignored stressed me out. He would have his friend over every weekend from noon to mid night and watch TV + drinks and also showing TV to toddler.
He never cleaned house or bathrooms, inspite of me begging to do since i could not, me ending up doing. And will not agree for maid also. All that stress eating or staying hungry ( I would leave the house in stress, seeing him drinking with friend and my toddler sitting next to him in front of TV for hours) and stay hungry... cause uncontrollable GD(insulin shots did not help either) in me.

Then later in pregnancy, I cut down cooking etc specially when his friend would come. We would have fights for same reason. I spent whole pregnancy crying because of stress, discomfort or pain. I never stopped doing other chores :-(

baby came in emergency situation 2 weeks early . I had baby with in 1 hour from labour at home to out. I feel that god watched me that time as he used to to movies and leaving me alone with toddler late at nights. So luckily we arrived hospital on time. We had no help and my older was with me. I kept crying so many days later for that as my elder one had to go through all this too.
Now in hospital stay also, his behavior caused stress in me. Shouting at my elder one etc because of sleeplessness and fatigue but what about me.

I hear delivery tagged as - rebirth or major accident, or hit by bus but this guy thinks I am back to normal person, fully equipped to take care of both kids right after delivery.

So we came home and started fighting as he is not doing things. I am not supposed to move much as I have severe tears ( normal delivery) but he is getting irritated if I ask him to do anything, like fetch water etc. I had developed very bad cough right after birth and that made everything hurt so i can not sleep moreover i have to take care of baby. Then with damaged parts I am getting incontinence issues. I tell him, he says 'hunh'.
In coupe days, mother arrived and I felt like an angel came to my life. Poor mom waiting at airport for 30-40 mins and all panicking as this guy is not leaving soon with enough window. Guess it is not his mom.
Then again, his friend comes. Inspite of welcoming or taking care of my mom, he is busy chatting up his friend.

Now after that, Me and my mother do everything - getting up late night, feeding diapers, breakfast, showering infant then older one , feeding her, getting her ready for school . All he does at home is picking dropping her. For that he creates huge drama.
One week after delivery, he is fighting me to start picking dropping her.

In the beginning my mother could not open patio door ( its very hard) so she asked him to open it in the morning before leaving. He did. Next day, again she did. That time, I was not coming down much and I was not supposed to put lot of pressure. He said in commenting way - This much work you can ask her, she knows how to do.
Mother was so embarrased and never ask him to do anything after that, infact scared to hear from him.

For my older one, only 1 time he showered her, in hospital. She had not cleaned in 3 days so i pressurized him. Again, right after delivery, I am doing it.
Then my mother, like a maid, won't stop doing chores,- dishes, cooking, laundry, folding, back in closets.

He comes from office and puts headset and keeps watching phone all time. He is such a ba... , sometimes, in a room, my mother is talking to him, telling him something, and he leaves the room without letting him complete.
For dinner, we line up all dishes in dishwasher and only task remaining is to put milk cups and run dishwasher since he likes to eat alone and late. For that he cries and tells 100 times why we do not do it.

My mother is also scared of him and has now started doing all the dishes herself even i tell her not to. She wakes up at 6, first takes care of infant, formula and diaper change, then goes down, brings tea/snacks up, again goes down, makes breakfast for him and lunch for him, everyone, then feeds toddler, again back. Her knee is injured so she should not do much up down but she does but she won't ask him to go and fetch something from basement or upstairs because he shows 'irritated reaction'.

I have body aches all the time because of night time waking then sleepless. But he does not care.

My toddler is v active and won't sleep easily and by herself. She takes lot of energy for us, but again she is child. All he does is - take my phone, let her watch movie. every day.
So many times, she want attentions, infant needs attention or feeding and mom is busying cooking or chores or simple, toddler needs me or him and infant needs me but he will not come.
Then he wants to watch movies and go out with friends leaving us on weekends. Atleast 1 day he can stay up change nappies or relieve my mother. I told him before we planned her visit, that she is not coming to be our maid but to help with baby. so you have to take care of toddler and household stuff. but i hate to see her doing everything and he simply running away.
I feel so bad that my mother is scared of him so she tries to keep house clean as he shouts. Is she his maid? I am sure if it were his mom, situation would have be so different.

His friend was coming almost every weekend even after delivery and same staying up till 12, above that keeping my toddler till 12 in front of TV. So we had fight. Mom could not manage toddler and infant was also crying.
But again it happened. Its 11:3 0 pm, i am feeding my infant and toddler is with him and then he left her upstairs, saying they are watching horror movie , go to mommy,( and locked the child gate) She was sleepy and probablly scared and wanted to sleep in her bed but he can not come to sleep her since he is enjoying.

Now I am so mad and i blasted in front of that guy that i need rest but still i am not and can not. We will throw 1 kid away if he can not manage...blah blah.

Now, he on purpose will not come upstairs to sleep her . Till 11 pm, my toddler keeps moving around, to me to other room or TV with him.
All he gives her is TV. He tells me to spend time with her like is tormenting way. I do that. I wash her, feeding her, dress her up, I take her clothes out... I sleep at 12 of night, then wake up every hour for baby, also my mother. Still morning I wake up at 7:30 before him or I can dress her up.
I do not get good sleep in day time and i feel like broken zombie, my lady parts are moving and like coming out. Still I kept moving on. His niece in india delivered a child and he on/off calls her to know if she is okay but has no sympathy for his wife or her mother.
To friends wife or friend, he will get up and make tea and act very active. He will stay up watching TV losing all his energy there. Now he is out watching movies ,and did not even ask if I need him at home. Here at home, she is crying doing drama and baby is crying for me and she won'nt let me feed him and mother can not handle. I am thinknig of weaning for same reason.

I feel so depressed each and every day, I curse myself for marrying him or for 2nd child or why i am taking this **** and curse him why he is in my life and want him to suffer. I myself feel suicidal or something should happen so he will learn. but he does not.

Please suggest what to do. I have docs visit soon and plan to ask him for some depression medicine. I am serious about weaning as it is not working out with unsupportive family.

SinghManisha · May 4, 2019

Sorry you are having to go through so much as a new mom. Please don’t regret having the baby. It is not his/ her fault . Your husband does not have the maturity to be a dad but don’t let the children suffer because of him.
You are at a high risk for PPD so please take care of that first. Focus on the baby and healing yourself. Once you feel a little settled with the new baby focus on how to deal with the third child in your house. Do not pamper him with breakfast and lunches.
You have a job and have been managing things alone anyway. So why do you worry ? Meanwhile do as little as possible for him with little expectations from him.
Do not forget to take a deep breath and try to enjoy your second chance at motherhood.

magicwand007 · May 4, 2019

OP,

I feel so sorry for you.To answer your question in one line-no I do no think it is PPD ,anyone in your situation would have been depressed.
I feel sorry for parents who have to come to the US and spend all their time like maids with no social life.

Your husband seems to be a very self centred person.

Few suggestions from my side:
-you really have to speak to your husband’s friends.since your husband does not seem to care for your opinion just tell the friend and ask him not to come to your house for a few months.It is ok to be blunt sometimes.
-If possible send your mother back and ask your mother in law to come and help you.not sure what your equation with your in laws is but don’t put your mother through this torture anymore.
-why can’t you hire a maid or a cook ?i think u saw a few of your posts before and if I am not wrong you have a job right ?use your savings or whatever and get a cook.no need to take your h’s permission.
-you need to take your husband to your child’s paediatrician and tell the doctor the number of hours your h les her watch tv.let him hear it from the doctor.
-ask your mother not to walk on eggshells when she is around your husband.Ask her to ignore him if he makes weird faces.No need to feed his ego by being scared.

Hugs to you OP.hope you find some solution soon.

ashneys · May 4, 2019

First, you need a break to recover n recoup.

Am not aware of your location, but is it possible for you to stay at your parents place till you recover?
Advantages: no extra drama, hosting friends, or your mother getting over worked.
Disadvantage: distance, you being away from dh.
You managing things on your own, but you are doing that and more anyways.

About your first child, you can choose to either let him take care (even if he’s a bad dad, eventually he has to do everything like feeding, bathing, etc) or you take her along. Maybe the distance n your disciplining will get her back on track.

I am sure you must have tried your best for many years to change your husband but it hasn’t helped so far. So instead of over stressing n spoiling your health, at least try to make your situation easier right now. Especially with you having to recover, suggestion would be to stop doing things at home n focus on yourself n your kids.
If he shouts, let him, if it bothers him, let him clear. A bully can only bully till the opposite person is scared, once they stop being scared, bully has no power. Once you recover n in your usual health, then start the fight to make your stand.
There’s only one person in this whole world that can help you from this situation, that’s you. Stay strong!

Sunshine04 · May 4, 2019

Divorce this moron. He is totally unfit to be a husband or a dad. You have enabled him for a looong time.
Talk to his friends also to stay away for some time

DDream · May 5, 2019

Kick that friend out of your house. Let him think whatever. Have a talk with him . Once he is out half of your problem will be solved. No need to be in his good book. Dont he have any common sense?

Also inform your friends group that you are taking a break and will not be available to entertain due to bad health. Please respect ...

Take enough rest OP. Your baby is your blessing. Once you are back to health you will be able to think clearly. Take care.

Completely ignore your husband and his demands or tantrums till he is ready to be a responsible dad and dh. Ask your mom too..focus on you and baby. Dont expect anything from him. That will give you more mental stress. Just imagine you are a single mom for the time being. I remember your old posts. You have already tried so much to change him... its not working..He loves only him. Stop all service to him.

When he is not in home enjoy, if he is at home, be in your room with baby, take rest. Else he will think you are ok .

Dont let this affect your baby, bf your baby atleast 6 months.. you will be fine. It help you to recover well.

Hire help. If he is not allowing, Let your home be a mess. Dont let your mom to suffer. Or completely ignore him and hire help, if he ask, ask him to do all those. If he dont do, then stay with your decision for help.

MalStrom · May 5, 2019

Your husband doesn't have PPD. He is just a selfish ***. Ignore his presence for the time being.
Think of yourself as a single woman with two kids and act accordingly. Your mom will be a great help but make sure she is not compromising her health. Outsource as much as possible to maintain your sanity. If your husband tries to complain tell him where he can stick it.
Get a cleaning service. Some will even do laundry. If you can afford it get a nanny to help you manage the kids during the day. The nanny can drop and pick up your older child from school/activities. Your mom can then focus on cooking and you can get some rest. This will also help you with breastfeeding. If you still find that difficult then you can pump and freeze for as long as possible. But don't stress too much on this point. Plenty of babies do just fine on formula.
Do get screened by your physician for your own health.

Greenbay · May 5, 2019

We had twins and no family member nearby to help but we have managed first 7 months with the help of nannies. Reduce breast feeding and wean slowly if it tires you.

Contrary to the advice here on continue to bf, my take is some new mothers would not have no or enough milk, so don’t feel guilty that you cannot bf. Since bottle feeding can be done by you, nanny, your mother, and even occasionally by your husband how much ever he is unhelpful, it will release pressure from you and allow you to rest and recuperate. Breast feeding has benefits if mother is healthy and is in happy frame of mind but should not be a burden on mother who feels distressed. Most companies offer 12 weeks of FMLA. Use those 12 weeks to get rest. Best of luck to get better soon.

peartree · May 5, 2019

Greenbay said: ↑

We had twins and no family member nearby to help but we have managed first 7 months with the help of nannies. Reduce breast feeding and wean slowly if it tires you.

Contrary to the advice here on continue to bf, my take is some new mothers would not have no or enough milk, so don’t feel guilty that you cannot bf. Since bottle feeding can be done by you, nanny, your mother, and even occasionally by your husband how much ever he is unhelpful, it will release pressure from you and allow you to rest and recuperate. Breast feeding has benefits if mother is healthy and is in happy frame of mind but should not be a burden on mother who feels distressed. Most companies offer 12 weeks of FMLA. Use those 12 weeks to get rest. Best of luck to get better soon.
Click to expand...

BF-ing is stressful in itself, and with a husband like yours, I can imagine!

I did not bf my babies, as much as I tried, I just wasn't making enough. They are both formula fed and are doing just fine. So if it is stressing you out, seriously, just wean him off. Or just spend time pumping and keep enough bottles ready so you don't have to be available to the litte one all the time.

As for your husband, ignore him. Treat him like he is not there, because he really is not there. If you need something from him, don't bother about his friend being there or your mom being there. JUst give it to him if you need to and just move on. Now, the time is to focus on your toddler actually, because she is actually going through the biggest change, of having to get used from being the sole recipient of attention to having to share it. With an absent father, an upset mother and a new baby, she is the one that needs the extra attention.

Ask your mom not to stress herself and only do the bare minimum. If he yells for the house being messy, tell him he is welcome to clean it or if not, you will get to it when you feel like it. Seriously, start being indifferent to that idiot and focus on your life.

Vaikuntha · May 5, 2019

Wow, a real bad situation. But all is not lost, you have your mother, kids with you- they are related to you by blood, husband is not related to you by blood- ignore him.
Most males do not pitch in child rearing activities, I am seeing in all cultures. One has to get some other females (doula, nanny, baby sitter, cleaning lady, roti aunty) to pitch in. Please do not expectations from you husband about any help around house, that will ease your mental agony- you do not have expectations, you will feel less upset.
He is acting like crazy, spoilt teenager. Where are his friends coming from? They will be your age group with kids? Most people here are very busy with taking kids to activities etc during weekends, I have never seen so many husbands with so much time on hand, in one locality. Something is wrong with the way they are turning up at your house. I have known that groups enjoy provoking one wife in the group against her husband, everyone bands together, is it similar situation? It does not seem real that with a new baby, so many males will be visiting your house. Are you in US? No one does that here. People just ask- are you guys doing okay? Something is wrong with this group of friends.

Your mom is so nice and motherly. Many other mothers won't do this much and won't put up with this much. E.g my mother, she didn't cook or clean or anything when she came for my child. And will never let anyone treat her any less. Also, she loves me very much, so will come to see me. I did all the cooking and cleaning, baby care etc. You are so lucky to have a mother like that.
But it was not good that I didn't get any rest. We need rest to recuperate.
You work outside home, please use your money to get help. It will be worth spending on help at this time.

Make a list of points that will take action on to make things bearable:

- Tell him no friends for next few months.
- Tell him in written, when to play with older kid and how long and next up coming appointments etc for older kid. Tell him how much screen time, bath every other day, walking outside 1 hr daily etc
Keep a copy of the written detailed list with you and take it doctor app and talk about it often in front of him and in house
- Please please get some help. Cleaning lady, food preparation aunty, tiffin service, what ever you can get.We use so many help in India and in US, we try to do it all- why? We have doula here, she could have helped you in first few weeks, you can still check.
- Make a list of other things he has to do eg. grocery shopping etc, put it on fridge
- Do shopping online at Amazon
- Try Instacart
- Ask your mother to watch baby and get good one hour sleep or say nap
- Send your older kid to preschool or near by day care for few hours every day. They are not bad, they engage children and have activities. When she comes back she will be tired and will nap. Do not fee; guilty about it.
- Get someone from care.com and cleaning lady
- If any friend can give you some food, take it
- This time shall pass, and you will be fine!