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What To Do Please Help!!!!!

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by saibulbul, Sep 30, 2019.

  1. saibulbul

    saibulbul Bronze IL'ite

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    Hi ilites. I am posting after a long time here. After 3 years of marriage I am finally blessed with a kid. But before there are many bitter experiences which are haunting me and I am unable to forgive my inlaws. Even my DH is not supportive of me. I am a working woman. Previously I was living with my in laws. Since I could not conceive for 2 years, I was called infertile by my MIL and co-sis. Once I was fasting for durga puja. I neither had any food nor any water. Since it was Chaitra month and it was summer I was feeling weak after coming from mandap and was resting. My MIL commented saying "you are doing so many fasts yet god is not pleased to bless you with a child". I mean what was my fault if I could not conceive immediately after marriage.
    Another incident one fine morning I was preparing tea when my co-sis entered the kitchen and asked if I had broomed the kitchen to which I replied no. Then she commented that if you will not follow rules then god will not be pleased with you and you will suffer meaning I have not broomed the kitchen before preparing tea hence I am not being blessed with child.
    Once my MIL had gone to someone's house. That day I had my first miscarriage. After coming home she just got angry without any reason and started shouting that people are having one baby per year and She (MIL) has a very bad luck because she is having infertile DIL and if you cannot give birth to baby then you are free to go to your parents house. It pained me deep inside. I told this to my husband but he told me to forget that and move on. For the sake of my husband I forgot. My routine was to get up early, do some routine, prepare breakfast my tiffin, do house temple puja, then prepare morning tea and come to office. In the evening prepare dinner at home for 7 members without any break even if I am suffering from cold or fever. My co-sis does only lunch. Still MIL complained my mother that since I am doing job I am not doing anything in house and all house works are managed by my co-sis.
    One day my co-sis and I had a heated argument. She called me infertile and also called me that I am like a street dog who doesnot have any respect in this house since I don't have child and that even if she beats me nobody will care for me and lifted shoes to beat me. My MIL and FIL did not utter a single word then. MIL wants me to patch up with her since if I will not patch up then in future my DH will not give money to them. Fact is co-sis and her family is dependent on my DH and my elder BIL is just a carefree guy who doesnot want to take any responsibility. After argument my elder BIL asked my PIL that when I am going to vacate the house since they cannot adjust with me. They call me fat sometime or other since I am overweight.
    Hence while I was pregnant I shifted to another house to get some peace. My DH has no say in all of this. Now MIL underwent a minor operation (Cataract) one month ago in another city. Yesterday DH blamed me that why I have not visited MIL to see her to which I told that after all the above incidents I am not interested to go there. He angrily left the house saying I and my kid are nobody to him and his family and that he will not come to this house. I rang my MIL in tension if DH has gone there since they live close by to which she replied no and cut the call where as I can clearly hear my DH voice there. I have no contact with him since then. Where was I in fault. I am literally crying thinking those past incidents. I may be wrong somewhere since nobody is 100% correct but I am hurt deep inside. DH has threatened me that he will talk to my father and take decision what so ever. My MIL is such a type that she always teaches my husband to be strict with me and if some day my DH will be talking with me she will comment that you cannot see anyone in front of her and will sit there so that we cannot talk any more.
    Sorry for the long post. Btw I have decided not to call DH or ILs since yesterday my mother called DH 3 times and he did not respond her. M mother was present when DH and I were quarrelling. She pleaded him not to leave the house and to see child face once but he just sided my mother and went away.
    Any suggestions.
     
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  2. saibulbul

    saibulbul Bronze IL'ite

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    There has been many incidents which I cannot write here all. Please post any valuable suggestions.
     
  3. Priya16

    Priya16 IL Hall of Fame

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    people abuse you as long as you take.
    But don't entertain your husband or your MIL at this point. And stay strong.
    your husband will come to sense after couple of years. Until then stay strong and don't spill any bad words and only say I can't take abuse from anyone.period.let them shout and fight what not but you stay strong.
    Keep focus on your job and kids until things settled down.
    They are very abusive and abuse won't go away until you become strong.
     
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  4. Angela123

    Angela123 Silver IL'ite

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    Sorry that you are going through this. Somethings are not clear. is the baby just born? Have your husband never seen the baby?

    Do not get intimidated by ILs. Fight for what you need - your husband and his time with you.

    Your ILs behaved badly in the past, but for now look past that since you are living separately now. Maintain the pleasantries only. You can choose not to talk to them. But it is not a good idea not to talk to your husband. Sometimes one party will have to make compromise for a smooth marriage. Call him and tell him you were hurt when he said that those words about the baby and you. You dont have to be rude. Just make sure you take the right actions here.

    Since you are working, do you give money to ILs or co sis? Cut off that money. Let your husband know about this. Same with all the jewelry and things. Also, your mom doesn't need to call your husband. It is your job. Do not involve anybody in between your husband and you. It will get ugly. Always manage your own money. Keep everyone involved in your family life on a minimal level other than your husband and child.
     
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  5. saibulbul

    saibulbul Bronze IL'ite

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    My baby is 10 months old. DH works at a different place and is here on holidays only. I dont give any money to inlaws. DH always shares every details of our talks to MIL and is not ready to hear anything about inlaws ever from me. If he will talk with MIL in my presence he will speak in very very low tone. I never objected to anything he does for inlwas since they are his parents but he never cares for my needs and my emotions. My point is if I cant share my feelings with DH then to whom will I tell about them.
     
  6. Angela123

    Angela123 Silver IL'ite

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    You can only control how you behave. What he or others do is beyond you. From what you have written, MIL won't budge in her attitude nor does any of his family members. So all you can do is ignore and avoid them and keep husband on your side. Any retaliation will aggravate the current situation. So you have to maintain relationship with husband and stay in a separate house. With all the relatives interfering, you both will not get enough time to have some privacy, which is very important for new parents. Is there a way that you can move to husband's place? It is quite common to have arguments and fights between husband and wife when staying separate. It is not good for long term.Since your baby is only 10 months it is better to live together and it helps for him to bond with the baby as well.
     
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  7. saibulbul

    saibulbul Bronze IL'ite

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    I have ignored each thing from starting of marriage still DH attitude is same. How can some one just leave his child and go. I do not want to retaliate. I just want some respect. I just want DH to care for me just like he does for his parents. I am also a part of his life. I have ignored each and everything for past 4 years still he finds faults with me. How can I return to the house from where I was asked to leave. I have not spoke against his parents too. I just told him the situation to which he reacted angrily just like I am his servant.
     
  8. Sunshine04

    Sunshine04 Platinum IL'ite

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    Your co sister seems to be a piece of work.
    I have no suggestions how to change your husband. Sorry.
    When there is no respect, best would be to live seperately
     
    Last edited: Oct 1, 2019
  9. Priya16

    Priya16 IL Hall of Fame

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  10. DDream

    DDream Finest Post Winner

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    OP, Right now, give time.. That's all you all can do.

    You cannot reverse your past. Its done. The damage they have done in your mind is irreversible. Take your own time to cry over it, but try to move on as holding it will affect you only, no one else. Consider its their immaturity.

    Positives now: you are staying away from them. Please continue, Dont go back. You need to focus on your relationship with your dh. You need his support. Try to live in the present. If you keep on digging the past incidents (your dh didnt do, others do it you) with dh, the wound will remain fresh, it create more negativity, and can affect your life with dh. So stop talking about MIL/SIL or past. Avoid any discussion on them. If your dh say something. Just use, hmm...is that so.. ok ..listen dont respond back unless its something that affect your life badly. Try your urge to complain about MIL or SIL. It will never help you. Also even if they try, dont go back. Be firm with your decision that you will not live in the same house. Its better to maintain distance.

    For your dh, his parents and siblings will be among his top priorities. As long as he is taking care of you, dont give much importance to his interaction with him. If you try to control it, you will end up as a looser.

    your relationship with MIL/SIL : Keep them at a distance. Interact with them in a very formal way. on occasions you cannot avoid. Dont show your displeasure or show faces in front of them. Atleast, try to behave normal infront of your dh. It will give him some peace of mind.

    Dh: He is between the devil and sea. Atleast try to understand his points. Both of you are giving him lot of pressure. For him you and his family are equally important. So maintaining peace is important for him. He cannot cut off neither his mom or you forever from his life. So avoid discussion on his family or issues as you are staying away from them. Trying to change him will not work. So change your response.

    MIL sickness : In my honest opinion, people should not hold grudge in situations like sickness, death & emergency. What we do with any other human being? Do the same here. In this situation, formally visit her and inquire. Dont stay there, just say hi and bye. Thats all. So in your husbands view, you have done your best even though they all treated you badly. But keep them at a distance, never allow them to mistreat you in anyway. Talking minimum is the best way . If you want a peaceful life, maintain a formal relationship with his family. If you cut them off , you will never win your husband's mind. Learn where to keep the boundary.

    Whats the difference between you and them if you lower to their standards. So maintain your standards high. Never allow other people to change who you are. We cannot control others, but we can control our response and behavior. Be positive.
     
    Last edited: Oct 1, 2019

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