What to do? Im left alone!!!

CONTROLLED · Feb 27, 2011

Hi Indus Friends.

I'm back again with a big question on my mind and my heart.

I know you guys can help me with this.

I live with my husband, MIL, FIL, Co-sister, BIL, and my Niece..

A few days back everyone decided to go to Ottawa from where we live in Toronto...

It was my FIL's Good friend's Anniversary surprise.. My Fil's friend's daughters emailed my FIL that they have a surprise planned and it would be so great if we all can come and join the surprise party.

I got to know about the anniversary afterwards i just knew that they were planning to go to Ottawa wasn't sure why.

2days before the anniversary I just got to know that I will be staying home with my BIL'S daughter who is one years old with my husband who will be working the day they leave so he will be coming at night.. basically, me and the baby will be left alone the whole day til my husband comes.

and the 4 of them will be going.. my fil, mil, bil, and co-sister.

I was pretty shocked because I wasn't even asked if I wanted to go.

I really wanted to go too so yday i asked my husband whil eon our way home from work "baby, i want to go too" he said " Dad was saying u'll stay home coz u dont wanna go withpout me" i said i never said that.. i said it's only a day so i can go" he said "oh i thought u can never be without me.. i was so proud that you will not go if i won't go" i said "No, It's just that it will be hard for them to take the baby who is one years old for a 6 hours drive so they want me to stay home and take care of her" he knew I know the reason why I was chosen to be left behind i think. He kept quiet when i said that.

When we reached home after some time.. MIL AND co-sister went up to pack their things.. I went up too after me and dh had dinner to help them.

My co-sister was packing my suit for her to wear at the party without asking me. So i just said ____ Aunty gave me that suit ryt? coz the suit was given to me by my MIL's cousin. My mil said yah it was I told your co-sister to wear it coz she doesnt have any other suit..

Although she does have a lot of them,!!! I didn't rly mind her wearing it but I just wanted them to let me know atleast. But whatever it's okay.

then after that my MIL said u know that "jacket u have I think your co-sister can wear it can u get it and give it to her.

That particular jacket is rly nice and they always says it's soo nice when I wear it.

i just gave it to her and come down to dh to give him medicine and stayed with him.

Today morning i woke up liek I always do from the past 1 week. I've been waking up early like 6 am to do prayer and guess what when my co-sister gets to know i woke up and im taking shower she gets up ryt away too so that no one thinks oh she "me" wakes up and my co-soister is still sleeping.

She's been always trying to compete with me i dont know why yet she's 10 years older than me.

so after the prayer and the morning cleaning i made sure i didnt let anyone do anything by doing it all bymyself so that they have the maximum time to get ready.

they were all upstairs and taking shower while my husband was already gone to work.

I made breakfast downstairs so that as soon as their ready they can eat ryt away.

Breakfast is ussually made by my co-sister since im at work monday to saturday from early in the morning. but today my fil told me to take an off so i could stay home and look after the baby.

after preparing and cutting what i needed for bfast i went up since the baby was crying and i decided ill take her down while im cooking so my co-soister can get ready woihout any disturbance.

When i went up my MIL said " i was thinking to cut the vegtables for breakfast " I said oh mom i have already done it.. she was quiet and said where is your co-sister i said she is getting ready. she said oh ok.\

Then i took the baby and came down and started to get the things together for cooking. MIL came downstairs and said where is your co-sister food is not made yet let me tell her to make it. i said mom everything is readyi'll make the food ryt now.

she was quiet and left. then she came back again after to mins. and said give me the food ill eat and get ready. i made the parontha's ryt away and served her. I asked her if she wants tea with it she said no i just had tea half an hour ago i dont want it. My co-sister came down after exactly 1 minute and my MIL said makesome tea.

I was lil upset i dont know if i should have been coz when i asked her she said she doesnt want it but when co-sister came she said whe wants it.

It's not the first time this has happened everytime i will try to do things for her like make her tea or hot milk or give her medicine she says no but she immediately asks my co-sister to do it for her.

My FIL came to eat afterwards and he was like oh these are some nice parontha's u know how to make them now.

He tot i didnt know how to make them. coz i never really made bfast since im at work while they all eat bfast.

i said thank you. and immediately after he started getting mad at me.. he said how come your husband didnt meet me before he left? i was quiet. my husband didnt meet my fil because he was sleeping at that time when he had to leave from work..

my fil said after that "dont u have to tell him to meet me befor ehe leaves why didnt u tell him to meet me how can he leave like that? co-sister was sitting beside him and eating. I was quiet and said im not sure y dad. he then said i'ol have to separate u too from all of us.. i got rly sad and was almost crying but stopped myself and at that toime i was still making bfast for bil who was taking shower/

as soon as they all went up to get ready i called my husband and told him that dad was upset since u didnt meet him before u left and he is getting mad at me pls call him and talk to him and say sorry u didnt met him. My husband said ok ill call after sometime so that they wont know u told me to call them... ???

Another thing i noticed was no one was really takjing to me properly even my Bil who always talks to me nicely. my co-sister always talks nice to me when my husband, BIL, or FIl os around/ But when it's just me and her or my mother in law she doesnt rly care about me.

The things is mother in law and co-sister are so close since she was married to this house 1 1/2 year before i came.

They eat together, drink tea together in the morning and afternoon, do things together, go to the same work together when there is work sine they work in a warehouse and they just call them when there is work.

even in the mornign when im still home they drink tea together like they would actually wait for each other and MIL always asks her to drink toea with her but i was never asked. I tried sitting with them and having tea with them by myself without them telling me too but they jsut keep quiet but if it's only them they talk and talk/

I feel so left out./

anyways after that, My bil came downstairs and said give me tea. so i gave it to him he never talked to me like that he would usually just get up and take his tea from the kettle.

i jsut gave it to him and served him bfast afterwards. ,y sister in law however acted so nicely with me when FIL was downstairs
Then just ignored me as soon as Fil went up.

i packed their snacks and drinks so that they can have it on their way to uncle's house because it was going to take them 6 hours to reach FIL\s friend's house/

My FIL told me to wash all the clothes and to do work til they come back/

when they were leaving i said bye to everyone and said to have fun and be safe no one said bye back to me or no one said take care of yourself or anything they just left like i never said anything and i never existed/

my co-sister also took my most favorite heels and sandals to wear at the party that agin without letting me know or asking me.. she took my fav sandals that i take care of so much since i dont want them to get ruined!! she know i wear them just sometimes coz i rly liek them she took them infront of me and looked at me with a blank face i just ignored her and started playing with the baby.

i feel rly low and sad/ i cant just keep telling my husband everything and stress him out. a lot of things have happened where i felt i was left out and no one cares about me. Sorry i always come here and tell u guys it's just that I have no one else to share it with so i come and vent it out here/

I do tell my mother some of the stuff but cant tell her too much as she would be worried aswell. i have no friends since my husband doesnt want me to talk to any of my friends. I havent talked to any of them since i got married/. It will be one year in 3 weeks since i got married.

Sometimes if i try to tell my husband what happened and how i feel he just says no ur wrong/ he trusts her family completely because in front of my husband everyone behaves nice to me/ the second he's gone everything changes.

I dont know what to do anymore. How can I be a part of them too?

My husband and I had a love marriage hence they always think my husband loves me more than them but that's not true my husband loves everyone equally/

but he shows he loves me too which i dont think they like. because everytime my husband shows he cares for me they just act weird and tell my husband to do something or scold him about something/

Should i tell me husband not to show he loves me when they are aound?

i feell like they are jealous that before their son used to be just with them and after marriage he started caring about one more extra person which is me

Sometimes i feel like goint back to my parents isnce i miss them so much.

Everytime i come home no one asks me how was work or eat something even when im home no one asks me i have to care about myself but I do ask them whenever i feel like eating anything i ask them first would u liek some too? but when they eat they enever ask me so i just join and eat too with by myself.

they always ask my co-sister and care about her so much i wish they would care about me too.. but i just tell myself it's okay i can take care of myself.

but it's just sometimes it hurts / I think i wish they would care about me too...

I just rly want them to treat me as part of the family aswell/// coz I treat them as part of me and my family.

I always talk to them, share stuff with them, cook for them, celebrate and surprise them on their bday's or any other special ocassions, coz i feel like they are my mother in ad father too and my BIL and my co-sister are my elder brother and sister.

Im teh youngest in our family im 21 my husband is 22 and the next is my BIL who is 25 and my co-sister who is 31 my BIL's wife/

I rly need your help my indus friends on how can i have them treat me as their daughter or as part of them too./

drsudha · Feb 27, 2011

Everyone is taking advantage of you, I mean your ILs and this is happening because you are letting it happen. Stand up for yourself girl. You have married their son, you are not a maid in the house. Don't try to prove yourself the best. Do whatever is convenient. As regards to baby sitting, if the relations are such, then I wouldn't baby sit for my SIL. Make an excuse like you can't get off from work or your boss said no to leave. Don't talk back with them but show with your actions that you have self respect and you can't be bullied around. And please don't even ask your husband not to show love to you. Enjoy the attention from hubby while you can. Tomorrow if they don't like it, will you walk away from marriage just to please them? You have your husband's support, you can take on the world. Don't bother your husband with little things. Don't do bad to others but don't get pushed around too.

vatsadave · Feb 27, 2011

I agree with Dr Sudha. You are trying too hard to please your ILs, when they dont give a toss about you. Why on earth do you have to take a day off from work to babysit your neice, so her mother can go for a party? I would definitely not do that if I was in your place. I havent read your other posts, but from this post, it sounds very much like you are desperate for them to like you, and because of that, you are going out of your way to do things for them. And they are just taking advantage of them, because they have realised that you will not say or do anything. Wake up girl!! You need to realize when you are being taken advantage of!

As for how to tackle their manipulative behaviour, I dont think you should bring your husband into everything. Because there are some things that you need to be able to handle yourself. Like when your FIL started telling you off for what your husband did, I would have just told him to talk to his son directly. In a very nice and respectful way, so they cant blame you for being disrespectful. But you need to get the message across that you are not the local shouting post, that anyone can come and shout at you for anything. As far as your co-sister taking all your things is concerned, maybe you can buy her a pair of sandals, and gift them to her in front of everybody, saying you feel bad that she never has anything nice to wear and always has to borrow your stuff, so you got this for her, so she never has to borrow your stuff again. Say it with a sweet smile. She will get the message. If she continues to borrow things, you can continue embarassing her in public, but acting like you are actually caring for her. Get the drift? :idea

sitara1 · Feb 27, 2011

You are letting people walk all over you. Trying to impress your ILs with your good girl image wont do you much good. Learn to stand up for yourself. If your ILs do/say something you dont like, then speak up.

sadwife · Feb 27, 2011

Dear Controlled,

You shouldn't have took leave to take care of the niece.
Never agree to do that again.

Let your co-sister compete with you in whatever she wants, you just do your things.
Next time if you don't like anyone using your things, just tell them so. Tell her you don't mind buying her a new set so that she doesn't have to use yours.

Stop inviting them to eat with you since they 'show' that they are least bothered about you.
Don't be rude or fight with anyone but try to tackle things wisely.

And please don't ever tell your husband to stop loving you infront others.
That would give them more space to mistreat you.

You mentioned your's is a love marriage, so they feel your husband loves you more than the rest of them. I see your co-sister is 6 years older than her husband (BIL), was it an arranged marriage?

I am not sure whether I am saying the right thing here but it would be better if you and your husband could stay separately. It's horrible to stay together with people like your in laws.

aniShekar · Feb 27, 2011

You and your husband are so young!!!And that could be a factor in your in-laws behaviour.

I agree with the other posters- you'll have to stand up for yourself. I was pretty much the same age when I got married, too, and my husband was the youngest in a family of five. Our in-laws were nice enough to us barring a few snarky comments. But there was not much respect - it was always "they're such kids!" attitude. And like you, i too was so very desperate to fit in that I just put up with just about everything, and was desperately unhappy in the bargain.

Things started looking up only when I quit my doormat ways, You don't have to refuse outright - just learn to talk glibly. Of course, you should help them out, but just make sure you are not taken for granted.

If somebody asks for a cup of tea, and then walks off without a thanks, then simply pretend to be busy with something else the next time they need one. You are working - use your job as an excuse for these inpromptu baby-sitting job - just tell them very regretfully - "Oh- I've an important project lined up....if only I'd known earlier, i could have taken a day off".....You don't have to sass back, just learn the fine balance of smiling and getting away- I hope you get my drift.

IMO, your unhappiness is probably because of the fact that you do so much, yet there's not much appreciation or welcome. You should realize that standing up for yourself would not make people hate you, it would only make then respect you more. And as the youngest in the family, you'll have to earn their respect, for they still probably consider you and your husband as mere children. You husband too, should remember that he's got a wife now, and should make sure HE is respected in his family - for the respect our husbands receive is more often what gets reflected on us.

Don't worry - you've just started out, and you'll learn over time. If I were you, I'll put off pregnancy for a while (You have not said anything about this, but thought i'd mention it just the same), earn this family's respect. Love and welcome would soon follow, if your in-laws are of the right kind.