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What The Point Of Getting A Dil?

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by beautifullife30, Jul 14, 2016.

  1. beautifullife30

    beautifullife30 Platinum IL'ite

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    Hi l,

    Logging in after a long time. Was just going through most of the posts here and was wondering about one thing though.

    Why do parents get their sons married if they are not ready to accept DIL as part of the family? Why do they demand an elaborate marriage and still feel unsatisfied post every dowry or rupee taken or demanded? Why do they want a say in everything their son and DIL do?

    I am sure the in-lays will get upset and angry if their in-laws had tried to interfere in their family life. Then why do they cause so many issues in their own sons life? Do they not realize that son's happiness is theirs too indirectly? May be not!

    It somehow makes me realize the kind of things that I should not do in future. I have two sons (meaning two DILS). So I should strive to be better for them unlike the examples that these guys are setting for us!

    Sorry....just feel so bad after reading all the posts. Why don't the parents who struggle so hard to bring their son in a good manner and struggle a lot for them just create a mess of their lives post marriage?

    Atleast what I have understood from all these in that I need to be good. I need to concentrate on what I should do and not do! Thanks IL. Its taught me many things. Sometimes, I don't need to specify my problems here...I already find someone facing it and many ILs giving the advice on what to do. That has helped me grow a lot.

    When time comes, I hope we as future oldies don't repeat these mistakes and make our kids futures happy ones unlike the current generation who is ruling us and making us miserable!
     
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  2. Iamagoodgirl

    Iamagoodgirl Platinum IL'ite

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    Its a cultural problem.
    Traditionally sons are suppose to take care of parents.
    So this urge to control everything around them.
     
    sindmani likes this.
  3. iamsrihere

    iamsrihere Platinum IL'ite

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    Every generation thinks that they are forward thinking ,this includes both the MIL & DIL. The MIL thinks she is much better than her own MIL ,and has become relaxed in rules and responsibilities. The DIL thinks only from the POV of the present society and expects more relaxation in rules & responsibilities. Hence the gap.

    This has been the scenario since a long time. But what is not acceptable these days is that, the in laws want a woman who can do all house work yet go out and bring back a pay cheque. It is difficult to get a bride nowadays,but the guy's parents remain humble only till they find a match. After then they start showing the bossing around attitude that guys' families mostly show. Anyway we hear of many stories wherein the girls are no more afraid and are clear about drawing the line. Wish all girls in every level of society are able to take control of their life.
     
  4. sensitivegal

    sensitivegal Silver IL'ite

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    Dear op,
    You have inked concerns of many dils here. Thanks for that, there is a saying" countries who share common boundaries with , become your natural enemies" and analogy here can be sharing of kitchen,money,husband\ son.so basically it is striving for domination,wanting to have the sense of control.
    The son you have had all the say upon,now takes advice of his wife too. It is feeling of bieng ignored or become less important for the son you gave life for.. This whole things results in insecurity.so we often hear stories of MIL creating tiff between couples, brainwashing, poisoining his mind against DIL ..etc
    The science of why and how it happens is very complex. It is how the indian family dynamics works. I read you are MIL too, so i very much appreciate your effort in understanding the other side of the story.
     
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  5. blessings1010

    blessings1010 Gold IL'ite

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    Me too mostly wonder why? but then what do I know?
    I see the anger and frustration in my MIL when she finds the way we ( DH and myself) live our lives- be it work, home, finances. food, anything. Sometimes I feel bad that she is not enjoying her time with us. Instead, she constantly criticizes us even about good things- like your life is way too relaxed, you have good jobs, you have good education, good food. I mean isn't that what every parent want for their kids? Sometimes, I feel she wants only my hubby to be happy in a happy marriage but not with me (especially being happy in a happy marriage with her son). Her ideal DIL is totally hypothetical- she should be like a doppelganger of herself, even that would not be sufficient for her. But as I said, what do I know?
    I only know how I should not be a constant nag to my kid and his wife in the future.
     
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  6. Rihana

    Rihana Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    Some counter questions: why do parents marry their daughters into such families? Why do women marry such men? Why do women and their parents give in to the demands for a lavish wedding?

    Do the women and their parents not know the nature of the man and his family? All the things listed above - do they come as a surprise after the wedding? Isn't it possible to do some background check and talk to friends, relatives, neighbors etc - there must be standard ways in each community to get this information?

    Not all families are as described. Why don't women widen the pool and look for men and families who are more reasonable?
     
  7. beautifullife30

    beautifullife30 Platinum IL'ite

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    haha sensitivegal...you got me there. I have sons aged 5 and 3.5. So future MIL.
     
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  8. beautifullife30

    beautifullife30 Platinum IL'ite

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    hi there...yes, I agree with you on your point that the groom's famil want everything in a bride....taking care of family, cooking, cleaning, and also bringing a paycheck.

    However, I don't agree on the part where the MILs feel they are more relaxed. My great grandmother was more relaxed than my own grandmother. I know that for a fact since I have seen them. I have also seen similar instances among my friends and relatives where the MILS earlier were also free and when the DIL became an MIL, she became a terror to be around.

    I think its more to do with the nature of the person. Guess, a lot of self realization is needed - on everybody's part.
     
    sindmani likes this.
  9. sensitivegal

    sensitivegal Silver IL'ite

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    :tearsofjoy:He he... Sorry... If did i offend you by telling that, I made you feel like older:tonguewink:
     
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  10. beautifullife30

    beautifullife30 Platinum IL'ite

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    no offence taken. :D
     

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