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What Should I Do Now - Any Advise Is Greatly Appreciated

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by Happygirl6, Dec 16, 2018.

  1. Happygirl6

    Happygirl6 Bronze IL'ite

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    I have posted my story approximately one year back about me and my husband. At that time I was newly married and searching for job. My husband and mine was an arranged marriage. We didn't get to talk much before marriage as it is only one week. Right from day after marriage he spoke with me by saying the word divorce and that he will leave me any time if he wants. Nothing much happened that day and it was a very very small issue that and he told me that word. I was shocked to hear that word from him so early and from that time he use to say I am weird and I am not like other girls,I don't have a job, doesn't have a slim waist, not beautiful and so on. Seriously I thought some thing was wrong with me and agreed to go to gym, become slim, get a job, get a visa. It was just 4 days after marriage where he said don't waste time and apply for jobs. He use to wake up at 4 in the morning when he applied for jobs and advised me to do that but I use to get up at 7.i use to have sleeping issues as I never use to get sleep properly in the night. He use to scold me saying that You are simply wasting time not making use of it and Build a career and have a job on my own. The problem is what ever I speak he contradicts.He wants everything according to what his mind says like applying jobs ,learning technical languages , buying a phone....In his view I am not worthy at all and completely useless.He use to say there are two kinds of people in this world and I belong to the category of losers who cry on simple things. I use to cook during the day, apply to jobs, meet vendors.He tortured me to the core to get a job. If he sees me watching a movie or something I am dead. He makes a face and again asks me about my job search status. If there are not enough items made for dinner then also he use to ask what are you doing the whole day?? (You can't cook , can get a job, fit for nothing). I am not that expeirenced and it took 6 months for me to get a job. He became physically abusive 4 to 5 times in these 16 months. He daily uses the word divorce when ever an argument comes. An argument can be very silly that if I didn't wash dishes after eating lunch, watching youtube, hair in wash room, stove not being clean. His intimacy with me is very low and he use to say I don't get mood by looking at your face.May be it would have been hardly 10 to 15 times in one year. If I react to the argument than he won't speak for days and I use to go near him and say sorry and make him talk with me. Even after doing that he will take his own sweet time to be normal. After I got job I was very busy with my work but he never helped me even in throwing thrash or anything. Till now he didn't even do anything for me. For shopping, hospitals, groceries I have to book an Uber and go. May be for groceries he came 4 times in these 16 months of marriage. He wants more items to be cooked but he never helps me in anything . if I ask him for help he will say write in a book what you are doing and why do you need help. He is very lazy to the core. Because of the house he has taken, journey to my work place is 3 hours to and fro . My day starts at 5a.m and it will be 7.30 p.m I reach home. For everything he says divorce and even if I cry for it he will be like don't act too smart.If my colleague drops me at house then he said how come he is doing that help to you. This is a world where no one cares.May be he is a psycho and be careful. I seriously gave a very hard try on this relationship from the first as it is 2nd marriage for both of us. I am very happy with my work and colleagues but I cannot share anything with him at house. He doesn't talk to me and he will always be lying on the bed watching some stuff in iPad. He says to me that watching **** is better than sleeping with you. He says his first wife was looking good than me.When ever I use to ask about children he used to be like " Dont you have any ambitions and goals in life . First get a job , focus on your career. It looks like you have an obsession with kids".Now after I got a job I thought he will be satisfied but he is like you should get a permanent job, Learn more languages, improve your skills, do yoga ,meditation ,loose weight,go to gym, swimming, make friends, Cook more often, join volunteer organizations blah blah..He created a to do list for me for the year and took a promise from me to complete all the action items. The to- do list consists of getting a permanent job ( I have contract right now -He speaks very low of ppl who do contract jobs and its very hard to get a permanent job), learn technical languages, Transfer finances to him for rent and expenses, Be physically fit, Agree to pay him Half of the rent and expenses. I beared all these and wanted to be with him but he is abusing for no reason every time. One day I need to go to hospital urgently in the night as I have got stomach ache. When I woke up saying that he rudely asked me to get lost (we had a fight ). Now he says with that stomach ache how could you go to office the next day? I had some health problems like tooth removal . My tooth was paining for 3 days continuously and count open my mouth with comfort . still I went for work because I don't have enough leaves and I am yet to prove myself .Even he didn't come to hospital at that time also and he went to a trip . he wants me to be on trip but my toothache is so horrible that I said I can't and asked him to go alone . I went to hospital and got it cleared . He had afight for that saying why can't you come to the trip and get it checked on Monday .My working hours are very long and what if I don't get an appointment on Monday ? He says that I am very scared of taking leave and there are many thousand of people managing it very well .He is very rude and dominant in nature. Even if I talk about love he says there is no word called love and our is arranged marriage and why will love be there. He think I am fantasy kind of girl and will be dreaming always about love. He says there is no need to take care of spouse as every individual is capable of taking care of themselves and why the heck do I am expecting from him ?Even now he says I am not earning more and I can't buy an expensive car. He abuses my parents, their way of living, their car and their home that they are from labor back ground .Actually I am earning more than him (he knows that). When ever I buy him a gift or some item which he likes I can't see any happiness on his face. He will be like ok and sometimes he asked me what to do with that gift? Whenver I do pooja he abuses that by doing pooja god won't give you job or things in life . only idiots and people who cannot do hardworking in life will do that pooja and pray god.and Intelligent people like him will work and focus on priorities. I use to be patient most of the times but some time I also use to react. Now the present story is that he abused me physically and verbally very badly and I couldn't control myself and abused him back but I didn't hit him. I just went into an other state and he recorded that video. He is maintaining a list of patterns in my behavior from 6 months. he says he wants to study my behavioural pattern. he intentionally tells some thing to me and If I reply back he starts a fight and uses the word divorce very comfortably. He once said even if I have kids with you I will take divorce and have visiting rights. People reading this post might think that without this girl saying anything why would he often speak about divorce. Let me clear you even a small conversation with him would end up in argument and fight ( Eg- If I ask him are we taking garage for our new car ? He would reply saying that people who haven't driven expensive cars like me don't know the value of the car and in my life time I cannot buy that car on my own and I am intentionally provoking him by asking if he takes a garage). Now, he stopped talking with me for 3 months and never calls me, doesn't eat at home. I am wexed up this time and I didn't console him. He is saying that he has sent a lawyer notice to me and wants divorce from me . I thought he is simply saying as he always use to do that. My parents went to his house and spoke to him and he confirmed it. My dad and mom literally begged on his feet but he didn't listen. He is saying that when 2 people can't live together they have to get separated and he thinks its a small thing and he doesn't believe that wife and children can make him happy. Even his parents are saying that they will abide his sons deicission. I begged him literally over phone after hearing this to be true. He says dont talk to me and don't convince me and he has made his mind . I invested a lot into this relationship. I don't know what wrong did I do or what karma did I do ? If an other girl was in his life would that girl have managed him properly? Am I not capable of living with some one ? Do people really hate me inspite of showing love to him ? What is my future now ? I love kids a lot and I wished to have one but I don't think that can happen in my life now. I feel he is a psychopath and seriously needs some medical attention . Whatever it is he has already sent the notice and he says he doesn't want to back out. I asked him what mistake did I do ? He told me there is no need of 2 ppl living together when they are fighting all the time.He is inturn saying that I get angry very quickly and I am abusive.He has completely changed the story. He asked me why did I complain to his parents and my parents and if I am not happy with him why did I stayed with him ? He is not happy with me and doesn't want to be with me. I begged asking him that I will change and will not say a word. He is saying that he can live with a person exactly similar to his taste and doesnt want some one to change according to his taste. He has taken a decision and he doesn't want anyone of us to suffer. I told him that I am from orthodox family and I wil never open my mouth again not even for argument but he replied not to call him back as he already started the divorce proceedings. He is saying that he is not the only man alive in this work there are many men in this world and to move on with my life. My visa and lease are ending in few months and I thought I can stay as his dependent but now he won't give the documents to me for my stay and doesn't want to take an apartment too. I can assure you whom ever he will be with he will definitely fight as his nature is like that.
     
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  2. DDream

    DDream Platinum IL'ite

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    Ask yourself this question., Do you want to waste your precious life for an abuser. He started emotionally abusing you from the first day. Then physically too. You want to bring a kid into this life and abuse that poor soul too.

    Sorry OP, I can't resist asking you this question- Dont you have any sense? Get out of this life as soon as possible. You will be happy being single than living with this abuser. Big NO to abuse. Can you imagine another 50 years this way , if so every day will be like walking on egg shells. It will spoil your present , health and future.

    Never beg to that #@$%#!. He has some mental illness. Look like he was not interested to marry and created issues to make you worthless. Know your rights. Consult an attorney before moving ahead with any decision.

    No wonder that his first wife left him. If I were in your position, I will happily go for divorce and move on with my life because I know my worth.

    So wake up...get out of this abusive life. He dont deserve you. You deserve a better life. I know it is unfortunate to be in this situation. But you dont have a better choice. Please accept the reality and move on. The earlier the better. Hugs to you
     
    Last edited: Dec 16, 2018
    shravs3, Sofea, sneha1985 and 7 others like this.
  3. Happygirl6

    Happygirl6 Bronze IL'ite

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    D Dream -
    Thanks for your advise. I tried max in this relationship and I don't have any regrets that it didn't work. I am never happy with him. I thought there my might be a chance that he changes but I don't think its possible.My only concern is what would society think of me ?How would my parents tolerate this pain? I am alone before with him also and I will be along from now on.
     
  4. happydheivanai

    happydheivanai Silver IL'ite

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    Normally I use to think divorce is not a solution for any issue...but in your case instead of living with this crack and getting depressed it’s better to get divorce...u may think already 2nd marriage what this society will think ,what will happen to ur future etc but seriously if u live with guy seriously he will waste ur life.go back to India get some job start working sure god will take care ur future.
     
    shravs3 and SinghManisha like this.
  5. Shreema86

    Shreema86 Gold IL'ite

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    op,

    please leave this man asap.he is a wolf in a sheeps clothing. you deserve much more in life. you and your parents will get over this trauma , but you need to act now.
     
  6. yellowmango

    yellowmango IL Hall of Fame

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    You are in a horror movie with this psychopath .
    He has left the door open.......run run run .
    Don't give a thought to society. They are not suffering this psychopath with you.
    Run girl....
     
  7. rachaputi

    rachaputi Platinum IL'ite

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    copy paste the same post to your lawyer..

    He is finding so and so reasons just to make you guilty/abuse you.. you can't satisfy him for any reason..
     
  8. Laks09

    Laks09 Staff Member Finest Post Winner

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    Do you have a separate bank a/c? Online access? First things first. Make sure your money is in your bank account and he can't access it.
    Second, get a lawyer, want it or not. Without a lawyer and what you call proof, I'm not sure things are in your favor. At least get an opinion from a lawyer as to what your options are. He can initiate this divorce in the US and get it. Better to safeguard your interests with a lawyer.
    You need a counselor too. A counselor will be able to help you get some perspective. You are abused and need to get a proper counselor to see things in the right light.
    16 months and a lifetime are very different timelines. Let go of this abusive man and get away. I hope your employer sponsors your visa and you get to prove yourself through your work. Forget the 16 months as a bad dream. Take care of yourself.
     
  9. Happygirl6

    Happygirl6 Bronze IL'ite

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    Thanks for the advise .
     
  10. Happygirl6

    Happygirl6 Bronze IL'ite

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    Yes . Planning of hiring an attorney. Looks like Counseling gives me some clarity.
     
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