What should I advise her?

blackbeauty84 · Dec 30, 2014

This is on behalf of my friend for 14 years:

Warning::Long post

My friend is a single child of their parents though her parents were of middle class they never said 'no' to her. She did her engineering couldn't get a high paying job but she joined a private bank and was working there as officer at the time of her marriage.

She got married into a rich family and was living her PILs, Bil- CO sister. After few months of marriage some or other issues crepped in saying co-sis is being respected more for being a doctor DIL etc. Around this time she left the job as it was stressing her. Her husband spoke to me on a particular job opening, I helped her but she didn't clear the interview.

Meantime she got another job, paywise not at all great but since it's something in IT sector she accepted. During that time due to some issue with her husband she attempted suicide. Her husband informed parents and admitted her to hospital. After hospital her husband asked her to goto her parents home. He kept visiting her in weekends but even after six months he didn't take her home. She went to her martial home but her husband brought her to parents house within two days.

Inbetween he said he has to goto Pune for couple of months.During that time he had very limited telephonic conversation. One week the conversations stopped suddenly, his/in-laws numbers were not reachable, house locked. Out of a blue divorce notice got served to my friend: He has mentioned in the notice that she has borderline disorder as she had attempted suicide.

My friend was not ready for divorce. Talk through mutual lawyers failed and my friend filed a case in all womens police station saying inlaws don't allow me to stay with my husband. (According to my friend inlaws didn't like her as she brought less gold, earning less etc. During the initial days of their marriage her husband had even asked me how I'm earning more where in my friend is earning less though in same college etc.)

After police and lawyers intervention he agreed to stay with her in a separate family but no visits from either parents are allowed. They are living together for last ten months but the following problems are there:

1)My friend earns x and he earns 4x but he never shares any expenses. Family is run by my friend. They don't have any stuff like TV/Fridge etc. Husband keeps asking her to buy things where she couldn't afford

2)He is constantly critising her for being in such low earning job. He discourages her a lot after every interview failure and each/every damn thing.

3)Her 40 soverigns jewellery, Diamond earrings, Passport, license everything are with inlaws. Her husband keep saying he will give it to her later.

4)He doesn't care for her safety or when she is sick. He comes home at night and spends majority of remaining time and weekend with his parents.

Talks with him has failed. I have a feeling that he was forced to live with her after lawyers and police intervention and has no intention of living with her.
What should she do now?

yellowmango · Dec 30, 2014

If the guy doesn't want to live with her....there is no solution.You can't stay married by force....at least not happily.

I keep wondering how often marriages survive happily once the police is involved.It just becomes a forced relationship if people have to live together on the direction from someone.

Khushi78 · Dec 30, 2014

Hs already served her a Divorce notice then y is he staying with her after the police and lawyers have been involved? is he fearful of the police? If she knows that he is staying with her because of the police, she has a upper hand y doesn't she get her PP / jewelry recovered?
It is highly apparent that he is living with her only to guard something /some issue.

blackbeauty84 · Dec 30, 2014

Yes, it was after police involvement only he started living with her and has told n number of times that she shouldn't have involved police.

In a fit that he had agreed to take back divorce notice she took the police complaint back without recovering jewels/passport.

goldenhoney87 · Dec 30, 2014

She should make efforts to get back her certificates and jewellery.Her certificates and degree are going to stand by her as her bread winner.it's a must she makes some olan to get back her certificates..This man is going to leave her anytime and he is staying with her now just by force.I strongly feel that when there is a fight for getting back the certificates he might threaten her that if incase she agrees to give divorce then only he will be willing to give her certificates.because there can't be any fair reason to keep them far from her

goldenhoney87 · Dec 30, 2014

.If there is lot of greed for money why did he get married to your friend knowing hat she doesn't earn according to his satisfaction .why spoil her life this way and disturb the peace in his own life as well.

Rise · Dec 30, 2014

In this case divorce is the better choice... why do you want to stay with a man who doesnot need you... not worth you.

ivlakshmi · Dec 30, 2014

He is not sharing expenses so that she herself feel pressure and leave him immediately. Ask her to tell him to get all the documents and jewelry immediately else she would complain to police again. I dont see a point in having this relation ship. As a last trial ask her to talk to him saying that she wants expenses to be shared and wants to give 100% to relation ship if he is interested.

MalStrom · Dec 30, 2014

There is no marriage left. It is clear that the husband set up a home just under police pressure.
She should use all means necessary to get her belongings back from her in-laws. If they don't want her they can't simply keep her property. In any case how can you give passport, wedding jewelry to in-laws especially when they don't respect you?
This would be a proper instance of involving authorities if needed.
Then she should make every effort to use her education and network to find a well paying job, and bid adieu to this 'husband'.
A visit to a counselor/psychiatrist may also be advisable, so she does not harm herself. There is no stigma in this.