What Is Your Take On The Issue Of Leaving Elderly Parents In Old Age Homes?

SGBV · Oct 27, 2016

Hello everyone...

This is a very sensitive topic. I would like to hear from all of you on this matter.
Here, we are discussing about the Indian/subcontinent people, and definitely not about the westerners. Because we share a different value system. Our culture and the life style is very different from theirs.

For ex: My ex colleague's mom became widow at the age of 60, and her children, including my ex colleague were concerned about her loneliness during then. But they could not help, as they had their own families/life, and settled in elsewhere.
But a few months later, she started to live together with her old friend, who was separated. He was 65 then. They lived together, enjoyed their retired life together, and also went on for world trip together. My colleague was relieved hearing this. Then as both of their children encouraged, these older couple got married. Now they are happily living.

I can't expect something similar to happen in my circle. Although a few modern/westernized people could support this idea. But many wouldn't dare to think.
So what is the choice for our older parents?
Should they live all by themselves till death? Wouldn't that be too boring, given the fact that our parents wouldn't have invested on any constructive hobbies like westerners.
Mostly, our parents..specially moms would have lost all the personal life after marriage. They would have invested all their energies, time and what not for the family. So, asking them to have a personal life at this old age is not something practical.

On the other hand, living all by themselves is dangerous. A few months back, I read about a case where an elderly couple died, out of starving since they could no longer make/buy their food, and there was no one to care for them. Despite of them being financially capable, it was very sad to read that these couple were left to die alone.

Living with children has its own special problems. We all know that.
We can't condition, like parents should be decent, polite, diplomatic, adjusting to have a space at their children's homes and life. Each individual is different.

Not every child is an angel. There were rebels, spoiled brats, and what not. But our parents did care for us. They did give us homes, and a respectful childhood.
There were parents who made their children orphans, and left them on the street. These kids ended up living in orphanage homes. But none of us support these parents or their circumstance in which they had to leave their kids.
No matter what, it is the parents' responsibility to give their children a better childhood. It is not a choice.

Then how about going easy on the children who send their elderly parents to the homes? Why bring circumstance and situations to support their decision?
Or Am I missing anything here? Please enlighten me!

No.. I am not talking about DIL's responsibility of taking care of the PILs. I am talking about the children's (Both male and female) responsibility towards their older parents.

What say you ladies????

deeprapriya · Oct 27, 2016

@SGBV, A well written thread.....

Elders should be taken care by their children in their old age. no matter how difficult it is, no matter even if there is a financial crisis, no matter my DH/my DW likes or not....

Didnt our parents took care of us during infant/toddler/adult period????.... They never get annoyed by our activities when we were kids. Then why should we????.... As you mentioned, they spent whole life thinking about us and our future, for that we need to give them this care that they require, the attention that they need, the personal space that they need in our home.

SONS - should take care of his parents and his in laws. There shouldnt be difference in handling both the side parents.

Daughters - Should take care of her parents and IN LAWS too... Though PIL's create a lot of troubles, we have the responsibility of taking care of them, should not ignore. Will we be able to tolerate, if our parents are not treated well by our Brother's wife????... the same is applicable for in laws too....

We are grown, society has changed a lot, shouldnt be narrow minded any more.

My Grand mother, gets tears when my father talks to her with care though he is her son, one simple word with care will make her cry. Till her last breath, the called my dad "Raja(King)" only, never called with his name.

WE have lot of responsibility in life, like kids, their study,future,career etc. In the midst of that we should not forget our parents.

All our parents need in this age is, care, the time we spend with them, the time they spend with their grand children.

I have seen ladies, who left their In laws just like that during last days..... Sons, who is not even talking with his parents. It is better not to have Grudge. At last, it is a family set up, We have just one life which was given by parents, without them we are ZERO, they hesitation when it comes to old days of them????....

MalStrom · Oct 27, 2016

It depends on each person and family. Why is there such a stigma associated with old-age homes? Not everyone is dumped there by uncaring children. Many people choose to spend their golden years in retirement communities. The better ones have plenty of facilities and offer good options for socialising.
My uncle and aunt spent fifteen years in America with their only child and then returned voluntarily to such a place in India. No one forced them to do so, and nobody accused my cousin of getting rid of his parents. They travel as they please and have meals provided, security and round the clock medical care. Relatives visit them often and they have a thriving social life. They enjoy their independence which they did not have in America and the climate suits them much better. Thanks to Skype, Whatsapp and yearly visits they are still very involved with their grandchildren's lives.
Life and society is evolving, and not all change is bad.

Lakshmi6197 · Oct 27, 2016

What about parents who create so much stress in their sons life that he is not ready to risk his sanity and marriage again by living under the same roof as parents? And sister creates melodrama among relatives and neighbors if he lives nearby. Now the son runs away with his family abroad not wanting return because of his own family. Grandmother and aunt poisoning the mind of a 6 year old against her own parents. Why do people not talk of abusive parents and families? What to do about them? On the other hand how do you expect the wife to take care of her parents while she is abroad?
Daughter will take care of her mom only if all property is given to her. And mother will go a lions share of work when daughters lives with her (stay pans years) but when DIL comes, same lady becomes bedridden. When living with daughter she will get up first (couple of hours before everybody - read daughter gets up) to make coffee, wash vessels, start morning work etc but DIL has to get up first if not there is a huge tantrum for the whole day. Yes such people exist and are very common in indian society.
Such posts sound very nice on forums but reality is very different in indian society. Even today it is a rare parent who goes to live in an old age home. I have a fairly big extended family and yes i dont know of anybody who lives in an old age home.
Finally only one couple lives alone in india with their children in US. They live near the wife's family who support them physically in times of need. They are well off financially and dont need any kind of financial support. Even then when the husband was ill, daughter came to live for 6-7 months. Even son came for 2 months. So easy to say people abandon their parents. How common is it? Apart from this parents of a family friend lived in an old age home coz the wife was severe arthritis and the son had a good government job in himachal pradesh. The mother could not bear the cold and the father found an old age home in a place with mild clumate. Son was the only child and not in a position to leave his work. Parents and sons family are in touch and visit each other. Works perfectly for them. Things work if all behave maturely. If parents insist on being immature all the time, how long can you blame the son? Please dont equate children with parents. Children dont know consequences of what they do but parents do.

justanothergirl · Oct 27, 2016

Why is there stigma associated with old age homes
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Because of the reality of old age homes and the conditions of the people who live there. Yes there are five star retirement communities cropping up but ....that is completely out of reach for most orphaned old people.

SGBV · Oct 27, 2016

MalStrom said: ↑

My uncle and aunt spent fifteen years in America
Click to expand...

This makes the case different. Not everyone get a chance to spend 15 years in America.
My post is not about the richest couple who chose to retire in the most luxurious retirement homes after spending most of their times around the world.
It is about the elders who chose to spend all their life, wealth and everything to bring up their children and have no choice left other than depending on their children during their old age.
I believe we live in a society where the majority belongs to the latter group.
So let's not discuss about these minority rich fellas.
They are no different from the ones I mentioned as western people.

Rihana · Oct 27, 2016

SGBV said: ↑

Hello everyone...

This is a very sensitive topic. I would like to hear from all of you on this matter.
Here, we are discussing about the Indian/subcontinent people, and definitely not about the westerners. Because we share a different value system. Our culture and the life style is very different from theirs.
Click to expand...

For every family and relationships related issue, there is the general overall society level discussion, and then there is one that is individual and specific to each case. Be it MIL-DIL problems, joint-family, property distribution, or parents loving children equally.

My take is that if the parent is not opposed to the idea, and himself/herself wants to look at it seriously, it is worth investigating. There are some good options of senior living, though some of them seem to be caste or religion based ones (which is fine, I think). These would be an option until the parent needs serious care. At that point, I wouldn't have that much confidence in such setups.Then, I would rather have a 12 or 24 hours trained professional living with them. At least in bigger cities, there are such trained professionals available; their cost ranges quite a bit, and of course, the service or expertise depends on that.

The other option is to use the trained professional living with them option, even when they are mobile and in reasonable health. The paying guest option or renting out a portion of the house, or having a suitable needy relative live with them is another. Then, there are companies that provide people who go and spend time with older people living alone, and provide companionship. A regular such visitor could be of help for some families.

Coming back to the main topic - leaving parents in old age homes: it depends on why the parent is going there, and how well-managed it is. I wouldn't be able to go for the option unless the place is extremely well-managed, and parent is also insisting on trying that option. The saddest thing is a parent forced against his/her will to go live in a senior living place.

I do know of one happy family where the parents insist on living in such a setup, rather than in a flat in same complex as child. The parents have friends and an eco-system in that senior living place, and like it. I gather it does cost quite a bit.

Added later: Read the post above this after posting this one.

poovai · Oct 27, 2016

Well, I don't think 'our parents' are ready/prepared to stay in retirement homes. It is a mind set, even it is inconvenient for them to stay with their daughter/son, they will not go to retirement home. It is a prestige issue for them.

justanothergirl · Oct 27, 2016

Just to give people some idea..The avg well run retirement home (1 bed room apt) costs upwards of 50 lakhs and has about 2-3 yrs waiting list .(So I don't quite buy the argument that people are not willing...there are enough people willing ..just not enough homes)
The maintenance for a couple which includes basic cleaning of the apt ,couple of meals + coffee (no medical mind you) is about 30,000 -50,000 per month.
For chronic medical conditions (in house doc and nurse visits) and end of life care (people live today into their 80s and 90s)the costs are ridiculously high. So yes I am happy for people with that kind of disposable money ..most dont.
Forget the poor even an avg middle class couple can only dream of getting into an accommodation like that . So what choice do u really have?

MalStrom · Oct 27, 2016

SGBV said: ↑

This makes the case different. Not everyone get a chance to spend 15 years in America.
My post is not about the richest couple who chose to retire in the most luxurious retirement homes after spending most of their times around the world.
It is about the elders who chose to spend all their life, wealth and everything to bring up their children and have no choice left other than depending on their children during their old age.
I believe we live in a society where the majority belongs to the latter group.
So let's not discuss about these minority rich fellas.
They are no different from the ones I mentioned as western people.
Click to expand...

My uncle and aunt are by no means rich, in fact they are solidly middle class. And they are certainly not Western people despite having lived abroad. You would be hard pressed to find more traditional South Indians. They live in a relatively modest retirement community in South India which is still quite affordable even to people of normal means who never lived outside India: government servants, teachers etc. Many of their fellow residents lived only in India and chose to move here even though they have kids in India. So retirement homes are not only for the ridiculously wealthy.