1. How to Build Positivity in Married Life? : Click Here
    Dismiss Notice

What Is Your Reaction When Your Family Wont Respect/ Care Your Spouse?

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by BeautifulSmile, Dec 3, 2019.

  1. BeautifulSmile

    BeautifulSmile Silver IL'ite

    Messages:
    55
    Likes Received:
    54
    Trophy Points:
    58
    Gender:
    Female
    Lets not get into details of if its wife or husband, just a general question.


    If your spouse is not respected by your family in 6 months trip to your house, how would you react ? To elaborate my question:

    · If your family pretends your spouse is not at all part of a family and treats your spouse don’t exist in the house for food or for any conversations.

    · your spouse is just a machine – don’t enquire about your spouse are sick or go deaf when your spouse say he/she is sick.

    · Who continuously shower love on you and kids with lot of love and your spouse become corner piece.

    · Constantly move away from your spouse in the shopping only prefer to shop with you.

    · Constantly for day and days wont talk to your spouse, will repond with short answers like’ s, k’ for any question your spouse is asking your family.

    · your spouse really really trying to be nice and best to your family inspite of all the above happenings except venting with you.


    I will start with my response here itself. If my family is treating my husband like described above, I am not the same person with my family anymore. To be honest I won’t hesitate to stop talking to them. If it’s my mom and dad, I might not stop talking to them but I might not speak to them with heart. I want to hear from you . Why I want to hear from you is – Am I wrong to involve how they treat him with my parents love towards me? There are lot of men in this group, I am very desperate to hear your response.


    Please help me to bring best out of me. Feeling so lost. Your response might give me a million dollar worth of relief or collapse me worse than this or might calm me down. For some reason, I am feeling like I am not able to write what exactly I am feeling. Might be once I calm down, I will add more in terms of comments.
     
    Loading...

  2. KayKuyil

    KayKuyil Silver IL'ite

    Messages:
    43
    Likes Received:
    60
    Trophy Points:
    58
    Gender:
    Female
    I was very protective towards my husband when he is among my family. We both come from different states and culture and so it has been imperative that we both support one another with our families.

    If any of the above happens, I will definitely blow my fuse. Will address it with my parents but not in front of spouse. All of us should treat others the way we want to be treated. If reverse happened to you at spouse’s house, how would you want him to react? That same thing applies to you.

    And honestly, if parents love us fully, they will accept all of us including our relationships fully. Unless they have some underlying issues that have not been addressed. I suggest you talk to your parents and find the reason. Again, don’t have the discussion in front of your spouse.
     
    Topaz49 and BeautifulSmile like this.
  3. MadhuRK

    MadhuRK Bronze IL'ite

    Messages:
    19
    Likes Received:
    37
    Trophy Points:
    33
    Gender:
    Female
    Dear @BeautifulSmile

    I'm sorry you have to go through this. Hugs for you from here. I would encourage you to understand few important human traits:

    1. Human emotions, values, memories, favours, love and hate are extremely fickle, relative and always subject to terms and conditions. We have been conditioned by many movies to imagine that its not so. In reality, this is just the opposite. So don't subject yourself to a huge emotional torture over a temporary impasse, 6 months or 6 years long. It's very easy for me to offer this comment sitting at a keyboard, but remember this simple fact and you will instantly feel less burdened.

    2. Parents are the only source of unconditional love and trust for most if not all of us. They want the best for us always. They keep worrying about us, praying for us. All other relationships that come after parents will have some element of conditionality to it in some form or the other. At the same time, they are also humans. Expecting them to be infallible and god-like is setting them up for failure. Instead of parents, you can think of them as grown-up kids who adore you, if it helps. Your spouse is your best friend. It is not very different from defending your best friend in high-school from your parents.

    3. Communicate to both parties in privacy with kindness, trust and empathy. Be firm, gentle and clear in your communication. Convey your expectations. Most importantly, take some time to patiently listen to all the parties separately. Maybe they do have genuine grievances, who knows ?

    4. Keep yourself above all of this. I don't mean in a snooty, high-nosed arrogant way. But imagine you are watching a drama in your home, know that this comedy is not real and stay out of muck.

    Best wishes for your peace of mind.
     
  4. BeautifulSmile

    BeautifulSmile Silver IL'ite

    Messages:
    55
    Likes Received:
    54
    Trophy Points:
    58
    Gender:
    Female
    Just to clarify - I was wondering how men will react if their wife is not respected or treated like above.

    I assumption is , women will not let her family treat their better half. But men will because they dont want to hurt their parents or mom cires a lot if i talk back....blah blah or etc...... (a lot more reasons).

    So I wanted to hear other peoples perception in real time. Suggestion are way different than what we actually do. Suggestions are always good to accept in a positive way.

    But I am looking for replies on " you actual actions". Can you pls ?
     
    yellowmango and Sunshine04 like this.
  5. satya15

    satya15 New IL'ite

    Messages:
    13
    Likes Received:
    5
    Trophy Points:
    3
    Gender:
    Female
    Parents make that mistake if they take daughter and son-in-law for granted. I had a great experience in that.
     
    BeautifulSmile and Topaz49 like this.
  6. mangaii

    mangaii Platinum IL'ite

    Messages:
    962
    Likes Received:
    1,047
    Trophy Points:
    263
    Gender:
    Female
    @BeautifulSmile you need to find peace with the situation . If it bothers you maybe you should let them know. They are part of your family. You belong there. T You can either learn to ignore their behavior and act like nothing bothers you or start argument letting them know it is your house so they need to learn to include you. The choice is yours which one to choose. Looks like this is bothering you so think wisely . Decide if it is worthy to fight. If you silently suffer no one around you will understand your pain. Sometimes voicing out helps you to get it out of the system and by constantly registering your unpleasantness people will start including you. What if you call them out without getting emotional ? What do you think will happen in that case ? Will your issue be discarded or addressed ? There should be at least one sane family in the group to understand there is no bigger pain than getting excluded from your own family. I don't think seeking opinion what someone else will do in this situation is going to help. It is your emotions and you need to respect it. It is ok to get upset. But let every one know that you are upset.
     
    BeautifulSmile and Topaz49 like this.
  7. Topaz49

    Topaz49 Gold IL'ite

    Messages:
    434
    Likes Received:
    455
    Trophy Points:
    123
    Gender:
    Female
    A true love - not just to you, it should include the person you love (your husband). I would question my parents about their love for me.
     
    Last edited: Dec 5, 2019
    BeautifulSmile likes this.
  8. Topaz49

    Topaz49 Gold IL'ite

    Messages:
    434
    Likes Received:
    455
    Trophy Points:
    123
    Gender:
    Female
    Bridging the divide is important. If you and the person you love aren’t clear about your commitment and the compromises you are willing to make to be together, the constant disapproval, whether stated or seething under the surface, can undermine your relationship.

    Nobody wants to have to be put in a situation where you have to decide between backing your parents or backing you spouse BUT if you are ever in that position, you have to put your first loyalty with your spouse. The marriage relationship can only work when it is the MOST important family relationship. Make sure your parents, your spouse and everyone else knows that you love them all, but your first loyalty is to your marriage.

    Whenever you are put in the uncomfortable position of having to mediate tensions between your parents and your spouse, work to promote peace. Don’t just live with “artificial harmony” and silent awkwardness at every family function if you can help it. Work to create real and lasting peace.

    Spend quality time with your spouse and your mother separately. Obviously, everything does not have to be done as a family.

    People from different families and backgrounds may have different points of view and opinions. Discussing these differences is very important. You have to express your feelings, especially, when

    · Parents who tell you things that you don't want to know or ask probing personal questions about your life

    · Parents who passive-aggressively infringe upon your nuclear family boundaries

    · Parents who argue with everything you say, and always have a reason that their life experience trumps your knowledge, preferences, or opinions.

    Actively set boundaries about behaviors that are acceptable and those that are not. At the very least, your spouse and mother need to behave with civility and respect—for no other reason than to please you. After all, if each professes to love you so much, they need to make some effort to make you happy, hold the conflict in check, and allay your anxiety and worry. Amazing how that piece is often of little consideration or missing entirely.

    Boundaries can be both physical and emotional.

    Here are some emotional ones:

    - I will not tolerate you …..
    - I don't like you talking like …. anymore.
    - Please do not compare ….
    - I will not tolerate you criticizing my husband.
    - I'm not comfortable when you ask ….

    These boundaries need to be asserted over and over, because it won’t work unless they are consistent. And there also need to be consequences. Parents don’t want to lose their relation with their daughter, yet, like kids they will push to the limits. It is up to you to set that limit.

    If your parents persist in not accepting the situation, your first loyalty is to your partner. This is the person you have chosen to make a life with. We all spend better part of our life with our spouse. Enjoy having a marriage that so many people in the world wish they could find.
     
    BeautifulSmile and mangaii like this.
  9. Topaz49

    Topaz49 Gold IL'ite

    Messages:
    434
    Likes Received:
    455
    Trophy Points:
    123
    Gender:
    Female
     
    BeautifulSmile likes this.
  10. BeautifulSmile

    BeautifulSmile Silver IL'ite

    Messages:
    55
    Likes Received:
    54
    Trophy Points:
    58
    Gender:
    Female
    Finally I found the answer for one of the questions I had from my husband. It was 6 months visit, he has clearly seen his parents behavior but dont want to get into the discussion as she was purposefully waiting for any sort of argument with me or him which dont want to happen. She is so good in making her son feel guilty for life, which I dont want to happen nor him. So he didnt say anything. But poor me, suffered with all these emotions. Over all their trip to here happened for a good reason from my end. Finally they left, realized what luxury I have and appreciating life for it.

    Thank you all your replies, few made me think twice few helped me to turn the cube analyze issue differently. I appreciate all your time friends.
     

Share This Page