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What is the actual problem???????????????

Discussion in 'Parents & Siblings' started by lonelylife, Dec 25, 2011.

  1. flowerlady

    flowerlady IL Hall of Fame

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    Lonelygirl, Hugs to you !
    You refused to follow your fathers choice of career and successfully completed engineering, now you are out of a bad marriage.All this gives the impression that you are quite brave and not ready to take any nonsense from anyone. This is good.
    But now you must grow up, help Mom, why are you starving at home? Why not make the effort to make something for yourself? Lots of working women get ready, cook breakfast, pack tiffins and go to work . You are waiting for Mom to serve you !
    Once you live alone you will learn to fend for yourself.Hope you are working , if not get a job pronto.

    An arranged failed marriage is a big blow to the parents too who have spent their hard earned money on the show. They must be hurt by your situation.
    Be greatful that your parents stood by you in your hour of need , maybe it took them some time to understand your problems. But they did educate you enough to stand on your feet.
    Your father spoke to the lawyer thinking that you are his little girl and would not be able to handle legal jargon.

    Maybe both you and your parents are at loggerheads because of failed expectations from both sides.
    Moving out will sort out your problems, change cities if possible.
     
  2. tinku

    tinku Silver IL'ite

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    Dear,

    You are definitely normal. Anyone will have some tension if their marital life breaks down and instead of soothing you, your parents are adding fuel to fire.
    They may be doing that because of your failed marriage or because of old age as you said, they will definitely have their own tensions. So leave it.

    Move out atleast for a while till they calm down. Once you are away, they will have their time to realise their mistakes too. Sometimes, not speaking with your mom might even work. She might feel pity on you and get back to you.

    If possible relocate to another city and come down once a month or in two months till they cool down well.
    I hope things will improve after some time.
     
  3. msgirl

    msgirl New IL'ite

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    Dear Lonelygirl,
    Can you please check your inbox. I have sent you a message.
     
  4. 1Sandhya

    1Sandhya Platinum IL'ite

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    It is nobody's fault. So dont keep looking at each and every individual reaction and situation and trying to analyze. There is no point and you will drive yourself crazy only.

    your parents are going through a complex set of emotions about your marriage and divorce. So they will vent out and act out in unpredictable ways. Part of it is guilt that the marriage failed, part of it is blame, all the time they are thinking why it happened, why their bad luck it happen to you, at such time something you say and they react, oh maybe you spoke like this there also etc. there is no logic to it, so just ignore it. But main thing bothering them is that you are not 'settled'. For indian parents of that generation, that is a big thing. Daughter must be 'settled'. Now you have bucked the trend and become unsettled and they dont know how to deal with it .
    So. Move out. You are working, you can afford it. So get a PG accomodation or a hostel or move to another city. Just get your own place. Show by your actions that you dont need their help or need to live under their roof. That you are after all independent and 'settled', failed marriage notwithstanding. Slowly they will calm down and come out of their funk. It may take a couple of years of seeing responsible and stable actions from you that will slowly make them come round. Re: the old incidents with the cousin and your father just ignore what is past. One thing though, when you move out, make sure it is under very cordial circumstances, take their blessings, get emotional etc and go with their permission. If you are indeed their only child all these events must have broken their heart, so when you do move out even in same city but separate, make sure you do it delicately and without more heartbreak.
     
  5. ivlakshmi

    ivlakshmi Platinum IL'ite

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    Hi lonelygirl,
    I am also facing many issues and daily getting lectures from my mother. The following is one old link:
    http://www.indusladies.com/forums/life-without-spouse/147825-how-handle-issue-my-dad.html
    After some time now, I realized not to give back answers much.. I am some ow trying to escape instead of prolonging things and getting offended..
    your mother might also have a feeling that u have done some mistakes as a result marriage failed...my mom is telling me constantly.. they feel tht u need to correct ur attitude so tht this sort of things dont happen again..
    ur mom might hav also thought tht " u are not dng much of house hold activities"..things might settle down to some extent.. but my suggestion is just ignore wht ur mom and dad says.. i am also scared of my dad tht he shld not mess up my life second time.. i am trying to be polite and not giving so much of back answers..this will give mental peace to us.. slowly after divorce u can search and get in to hostel..be on good terms with them some how and make the life of ur own..
     
  6. jmsd

    jmsd Silver IL'ite

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    Dear Lonely girl

    You were born (just like me) to a set of overprotective parents who want everything nice and best ,be it education or life or marriage for their children.However,just like my parents and many others of that generation they do not know how to control their behavior .They are very vocal and get on nerves quite easily.Yours is a situation where typical Indian parents would behave in their typical way.
    But the fact is they cannot change.
    It is you who have to change.
    Don't try to get into arguments.
    Try to evade such situations.
    Sometimes tell them politely that whatever has happened cannot be changed without expecting that they will understand.
    Though you are the sufferer in marriage ,our oldies have a tendency to dwell on things .They need a lot of time to get out of painful situations.
    Learn anger management for yourself.It's crucial for you.
    Try to create your balance first.It's very important.
    Once you will be calm and balanced ,not arguing not reacting negatively to their discussions,they will eventually get soothed too.

    Deducing from the detail about your education and all ,I personally feel that their happiness depends upon yours.They wanted to get the best for you but failed.They need to overcome that guilt.And they will not be able to do that without your calming down.

    Like many others suggested moving out ,building a successful career for yourself or even getting a good job at a foreign locale might just work wonders.
    A successful person who despite odd circumstances ,helped herself out is something very admirable in our society.
    You are just twenty four!Its time for starting a life.
    Just like you start afresh after the exam time is over!
    Take care and feel free to get in touch with me.
     
    1 person likes this.
  7. blackbeauty84

    blackbeauty84 IL Hall of Fame

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    Lonelygirl,
    Hugs. I know how much courage it requires to come out of abusive marriage. You have taken a very bold step. I think your parent's doesn't know how to handle this big blow. Most of us are stereotyped we don't know how to handle if things go out of way. Especially parents would be facing queries from neighbours, relatives right. Our society will mostly say guy is always right/girl has to adjust/this is commmon everywhere etc. Your parents are just taking it out on you.

    It would be better if you move out till your parents can handle it better.
     
  8. LoveUrLovedOnes

    LoveUrLovedOnes Senior IL'ite

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    Hi,
    Hugs to you.
    First of all, look on the positive side. You dont have kids with ur ex husband, which is a plus point.

    My mum was also in the same situation as you, 12 years, back. the only difference is that
    1) she had 2 kids
    2) she was not well educated


    Now, you are earning, and so it is best for you to be independent

    As, for your parents, they are showing a typical indian mentality. They would be happy if you were suffering with your husband, rather than you being with them.

    Better move out, and live independently. Try not to fight, and move out. Just tell them, dat you would prefer some time to be alone, and dat it is temporary.

    May God give you all the strength to go through it
     
  9. eandian

    eandian IL Hall of Fame

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    Hugs to you dear.

    You did the right thing by walking out of an abusive relationship. Bullies rarely change. Even if they change, it will be temporary till they slowly take the upperhand.

    Thank God, you do not have a kid which might bind you with that guy forever.

    About your parents:
    Your parents are more concerned about problems you might face (your future) and society (outer circle) than what you are feeling in your heart. Sometimes it happens that people get too practical that they ignore emotions all together. They lack empathy towards you.

    You are working and you are confident that you can support yourself. All you expect from your parents is a little space and respect for your decisions and feelings.

    But sometimes parents just try to jump in and fix everything and when they are not able to do it, they feel helpless and frustrated and take it out on you.

    Since it is an arranged marriage, there is a possibility that they feel guilty that they fixed you up with this guy. But they want to errase that guilt away by blaming you for the failed marriage. This is not fair since you already have too many things on your plate already.

    And when you expect your mom to make bfast / dinner, you are confirming their fear that you cannot take care of yourself.

    So take a time out and move out of the house and take care of yourself. Then they will respect you and your decisions.

    You are feeling lonely now because you feel no one is understanding you. You have stated your point to your parents. Now there is no use trying to convince them that your divorce is good for you again and again. You are going through a rough patch. This too will pass. Not worth trying to convince anyone about anything. Focus on what you want to do with your life and work towards that. Easier said than that. Good luck.
     

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