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What is the actual problem???????????????

Discussion in 'Parents & Siblings' started by lonelylife, Dec 25, 2011.

  1. lonelylife

    lonelylife New IL'ite

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    Hi,

    I am new to this forum.Hope ppl here can through some light on the issue am facing as i completely fail to understand it.

    About me: I am 24, married just one year back and separated from psycho husband & in - laws and have applied for divorce and currently live with my parents.

    My real problems are coping up with my parents.I find it so difficult and almost every alternative day it ends up in fight.

    About my dad: he is a good person but there were certain incidents which has made me really question as to whether he really trusts me.

    incident 1:I have been always successful in my studies and my dad has always taken pride in it and in showing it off.It was my dad's dream to become a doctor and since there was no guidance he wanted me to become one.But i had other interests.Bang... i told him this .. then on for 2 months it was a cold war..He used to comment that im not fit for anytin and get some degree in arts & science college and settle down...I never spoke a word....He went to the extent of making me fill the MBBS application form ...and told me that he will keep it safely so that one day when i see it i will realize what a big mistake i have made by not listening to him....I dutifully filled and gave it to him and finally i got into engineering... i put my heart n soul and faired well in my college...Again this time he wanted me to get placed in a big companies but i wanted to test myself and joined a small company...Big fight....
    Incident 2: there was my cousin (dad's sis son) whom i met during my father's surgery at the age of 17 and we both started talkng with each other....He had love intrest in me which i had no idea of....he had gone around sayin to his mom and my other dad sisters that im deeply in love with him and im plannin to elope with him..... my dad's last sis called up my dad and told him this... and he had told her that it might be true....I was totally shocked when i heard this...my dad could have come home and asked me or told my mother to talk to me about this..instead he totally believed what his sis said.....But my cousin never proposed to me abt his love...he did all these things in my back....and to add fuel to the fire my aunt called up my mom and told her that im gona elope with my cousin and that even my dad knows it....finally i got out the words from my cousins mouth,recorded it and showed it to every1 and finally they trusted me.....
    What hurt me most was....a father who 24/7 says he cared abt me blindly trusted when his sis commented about my character without even inquiring the truth....Again i never said a single word against my father......

    Incident 3: i got married and started facing all sorts of nonsense from my in-laws....When i told my dad im goin thro physical abuse ...even then he asked me to stay there...but i pleaded n finally came back and stayed with my parents for around 3 months......I still remember a day when i cried to my father about all this nonsense and he so coldly asked me to shut up and its irritatin to hear me cry...I stopped talking with him....then my in-laws came and took me back....i never spoke a single word to my dad...then he himself called me up and spoke to me........Whenever i say its difficult to live in this marriage he used to say that he mite die any moment because of this health issues this n that...and i got emotionally scared...Things got so worsened in my marriage that physical abuse increased day by day....Whenever ppl came to my house to sort the issues between our side and in-laws side.....it was so clear the problem was with my in-laws and not me.....my father jus took fun in discussin abt it and had pleasure in pinpointing their mistakes.....and not solving the problem...
    Fianlly when i took the call all my dad said was ...think clearly and decide because you should not blame me in the end.....this was something he said so many times that i went mad.....and started to get the feel whether he was really interested in helping me....Whenever ppl discuss abt my life, he always talks about how he used to be this and that....Even when i met the lawyer he never allowed me talk and did all the talking...N i had to pinch this thigh to make him stop.....
    But the issue is if i asks him anytin he gets it for me immediately...He buys all things watever i wish for.But for emotional support ....and particullary in this marriage ...i really doubt it.....

    About my mother:Me n my mother are like cats n rats...we fight all the time...but it doesnt sustain longer than a day....my mother has been very supportive of me during all my issues from the childhood till this marriage.... But after this separation, she has started talking very much....She used to be a very calm, composed,strict lady.... but i don knw whether its because of my marriage/ because shes nearing her sixties...sometimes she gets so mad at each and everything.....If i dont do what she says she goes mad like anytin and starts arguing so badly.....she always makes a statement that jus like i talk with her i would have spoken to my in-laws and thats why they have chased me away from their house./ thats why my marriage failed and so on....its so hurting i loose my temper when she says that ...cos just for my parents sake i lived with a psycho for nearly a year and now it them who balme me....

    This happens so often nowadays...Recently i removed my nosering...I was not very comfortable in nosering and it reminds me that i pierced it for that stupid marriage...i told my mom i don like to wear the nosering...Gone...big fight.....She started yelling.....and said i will not improve in my life and dats why that sick fello(Ex-H) hits me... i got so offended...and yelled back at her...my dad interwined and asked us to stop...next day i din talk with her but she smiled at me...so i thought things have been settled....i called up my mom in the evening to tell her im late...she din pick up and my dad picked up n spoke....i came back home and was starvin to the core...i had no idea she was angry with me...i went into the kitchen to get food for myself and she was putting lots of food in a plate...i jus told her i don want so much food...she replied back angrily dat it was not for me and who will give food for me and all... again picked up a fight....and my mom hit me in my shoulders...this time again my dad came ...and he started complaining that im makin a big fight of each and everything ...i asked him why i should always keep my mouth shut.....i told him that mom is always talking abt my past life..that marriage is not my mistake......then why should i tolerate it.....He got angry and threw the food plate...I went to my room and slept without eating...Morning again i din get any breakfast....

    Today morning...my mom was least bothered to give me any breakfast....I was starvin so badly...I couldn talk with them also...cos if i try to sit in TV they never come near me....my dad jus roams around the house...after i got2 my room he comes and watches TV....I too feel hesitant to taks my mother for food...after getting such replied from her...I had big emotional breakdown as to why all this happening to me...
    I agreed to this marriage even without any interest just to satisfy my father.
    I dont do anything that hurts them and puts the to shame...
    I had no1 to goto after a failed marriage but my parents...but does that mean everyday i should hear words like these from my mom and also see a dad who think its my duty to keep my mouth shut and never talk against them as it was my mistake as to why this marriage failed...I have always kept my mouth shut to each n eveytin in my life...but now my father is puttin emotional drama that he has committed some sin and thats why he is sufferring like this ....Again its about him...when on earth will he think it is also me who is suffering...Now i think enough is enough....My mother is asking me to get out of the house...i too have planned to goto a ladies hostel...and stay away from them...
    I have also spoken to my frnds just to analyze myself and aksed them whether i am very short tempered...these are my best of frnds...and they say only when something is wrong i get angry...Im not very bad in temper...but just wanted to analyze myself and rectify my mistakes...
    Please help me..What should i do?......
     
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  2. Young@heart

    Young@heart Silver IL'ite

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    Big Hugs to your dear.

    I must say you are being very brave for taking this bold step of moving out of Marriage with Domestic Violence:thumbsup

    As for your parents...I havenot got much to say that they are also sad (maybe) on your marital breakup and it is their way to dealing with it.

    Yes...since you are already working...moving out on your own should be the next logical step and will let you get your self confidence back...

    I just wish you All the Very Best in Life...

    Regards.
     
    1 person likes this.
  3. satchitananda

    satchitananda Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    Hi

    After reading your entire post, all I have to say is this is the best course of action to take. You are financially independent. Time to get a life of your own. This will give you and your parents some time out to think things over.

    Hope things improve with time. All the best.
     
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  4. lavii

    lavii Gold IL'ite

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    Sorry for your plight dear..Few things that i want to put accross ..
    I am not sure you are single child or have siblings however if i thing from your parents perspective..Indian parents will be in an impression that if their girl child gets married a big task has been taken care...and some xyz (so called son in law))will take care of their baby and she is in safe hands..But when things go wrong which no one would have expected they feel bad..and at certain age its difficult for them to keep quiet unlike us..They show anger in some or other form to make you understand..I am sure as you know in anger people could say anything..so i feel even though your mom said getout i am sure she doesnt mean it as such..
    Ya i agree its not your mistake coming out of an abusive marriage..But may be your parents are thinking about someother solution..Once they understand getting you safe from abusive marriage itself is a big boon i am sure things settle down..
    I am not sure if you are working but if you are i am sure interaction with them will be minimal..Please try from your end once to have a heart to heart talk with them..Say them you are bold and can take care of yourself well ..i am sure you would have tried but before moving one last time please try one more time having an open talk..JMO..
     
  5. passionate89

    passionate89 Platinum IL'ite

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    A warm hug to u dear akka... The best thing to do is, stay in hostel you will mentally be relaxed n calm... You will have time to think for you and your future rather than worry bout why even your parents are behaving like this... (I am seeing my own uncle n aunt act very weird after reaching their 60s)..

    Ur absence will surely make your parents and in laws realize their mistakes!!!!!!!

    Don worry dear.. My prayers for you...
     
  6. kritka

    kritka Junior IL'ite

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    Hi

    Its very nice that u have taken a bold step to move out and be on your own.But trust me your mom and dad both would be feeling very bad for you .Nobody wishes to see there child in hardships whtever and since they are getting older , They feel tht they cant do anything about it so thus there frustation .I would suggest before moving out have one to one talk with your parents .It might prove to be helpful.

    All the best !!!


    Krithka
     
  7. SriVidya75

    SriVidya75 Platinum IL'ite

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    I got to tell you couple of things ....pls be patient ....and read through..


    First of all it takes great courage to say NO to abusive husband/marriage. Whether you are seeing that pat on the back now from your parents/friends/relatives or not..down the line in future...you would see people looking at you with great respect.

    However...whatever you are going through now..remember its the inner helplessness from your parents thats coming out....each person has theri own way of coping up with things....your parents are unable to cope up with what happened to their daughter and how they came up with match/alliance that ruined their daughters life...they are unable to take the rejection/disappointmnet more than you....

    I would suggest..pls not take any of these things seriously...however to keep your mind sane and to keep your self respect and confidence intact...you got to take couple of steps..

    first things first...pls move to another city , take a new job and live in a hostel or do something and start your life on your own...not under your parents roof..(reason they have to see you as independant and strong and confident girl...they dont have to see you as back in their house, wanting their help/support...yes, you need their emotional support but not really the support which a child looks for..i.e they holding your hand till you settle down...) so show that you are grown up...you are mature, confident, independant and still can cope up with all this nasty divorce and still stand up on your feet. really will make people respect you for who you are~!!!

    Next thing is....just because your parents/friends/relatives tell you , you are tempermental/angry person..doesnt mean you will become that right??? some epople forget what they did to make others give that reaction i.e if someone is shouting/yelling at you, you sure would react and do some thing that would make you tempermental/angry person...however the other person forgets what they did and starts judging you for the way you reacted...(I am not saying reacting is bad...but just remember...dont beleive what others perceive of you)

    just use others perception as a thermometer and check your controls and make yourself grounded...i.e dont loose hope, dont loose your own self.
     
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  8. RJMK

    RJMK Silver IL'ite

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    Hi dear,

    I can understand how you are feeling now.And big hugs to you for that.You know when I started leaving my son with my mother,not a single day passes by when she is not shouting ir yelling at me.Now I have seriously though of putting him in a daycare or resign.Ok coming to your issue..some parents are like this.They think that I have given birth to them means we are there property...
    Everyday fights and unnecessary torture can really make your life hell and you may never know the reason.
    Parents,H..they are supposed to be there for us and support us but when they only keep shouting and fighting and hitting then life becomes hell..
    So get out of this hell...Just cut off from all and start your life fresh.And congrats for taking the right step of divorcing thr filthy guy you married to.
     
  9. blessed

    blessed Platinum IL'ite

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    My hugs to you.... you are taking right decisions at the right time.. no doubt about it.. you have decided to separate from your psych hubby and now decided to live in hostel when its actually become unbearable to live with your parents.

    I understand that your parents are really feeling bad for your life now and want a better life for their daughter... but they cannot vent their frustrations on you...
    I can very well relate to this...

    we behave differently with in laws and our own parents... of course with parents we take the liberty and never care or think before we talk or argue with them.. but with MIL we think 100 times before we indulge in any arguments or fights... whenever I have argument with my mom during my visit's she use to always say... " this is how you behave with your MIL that's why she gives you properly" It use to hurt me so badly,, because I have told everything about my MIL to her and she herself has appreciated my patience... but still she use to hurt me with her words like this..

    Some times I cannot understand these mothers... though they know their miserable behavior will hurt their DD's but still they do it...

    Please live independently ... occasional visits to your parents will make them realize their mistake, they cannot take you for granted and shower hurtful words....
    ultimately u want peace ... so go as per your decision.
     
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  10. amunique

    amunique Gold IL'ite

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    move out... live for your self... be happy... you did nothing wrong.... :)
     

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