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Well Meaning Family Members Are Getting On My Last Nerve

Discussion in 'Parents & Siblings' started by Nylaa, Sep 14, 2019.

  1. Nylaa

    Nylaa Silver IL'ite

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    My aunt and uncle visited a couple of weeks ago. They came from quite a distance (from Vancouver), so they stayed with my parents for a few days. During their visit, they came to visit us (husband and I). On said visit, my uncle comments to me privately that "Oh, your dad is worried about you and it's stressing him." He then comments that I don't visit my parents often and that it's bothering them. To put things into context, what he means by being "worried" is that we spent two and a half months in Srinagar earlier in the year (my husband is from there) and given the situation in Kashmir, it's not the safest thing. In the same vein, he asks me why my husband can't go by himself as they're his family. I'm not even going to comment on that.

    A few things:
    - I see my parents fairly often, maybe once a week or so? We live about 1 hour and 45 minutes away from them and we have an 11-month old. It's not the shortest or the easiest drive. They know this and I'm sure they're okay.
    - My uncle made reference to not going to a few family gatherings and asks how I have time to visit my in-laws everyday during Eid (my husband is Muslim) but not my family for their family gatherings. We don't live close by and have a small child. It's not entirely possible to travel almost 2 hours (and 2 hours coming back) to attend every single function. Secondly, my in-laws live about 20 minutes away. How does that even compare to almost 2 hours? Honestly, I doubt my parents care. They are outgoing and social but they're more about their plans rather than functions per se.

    What bothers me is why tell me this? Even if true, which I'm not so sure that it is, I'm sure there are better ways to go about it. Aside from that, he and my aunt live clear on the other side of the country (we live in Montreal) and they have no idea what goes on in day to day life, so how can you comment or make judgement on things you don't know?

    Needed to vent. Any input would be appreciated.
     
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  2. Amulet

    Amulet Platinum IL'ite

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    The french should never trust the english. They are always trying to scuttle your schemes. Just ignore them.
     
  3. Nylaa

    Nylaa Silver IL'ite

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    I agree. Hearing things from a third part rarely works out well.

    What gives me pause for thought is why they would even feel the need to tell me this? It's such a random thing to mention that it makes me wonder if there's a kernel of truth somewhere.
     
    Thyagarajan likes this.
  4. ashneys

    ashneys Platinum IL'ite

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    It makes me imagine a scene about your parents raising this as an issue to your uncles family during their conversation..

    ‘She’s going over there for every single thing but is rarely coming here or missed such such event.. hmmm.. am worried she’s leaning more towards them :coldsweat:‘ n more like this. That makes more sense about why your uncle would say all this.
     
    SGBV, Nylaa and Thyagarajan like this.
  5. meVaidehi

    meVaidehi Platinum IL'ite

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    I would just tell Uncle aunty thank you for your caring advice. And leave it at that. Not even I will think about it. No explanation needed.
    But I do think this is a good opportunity to have a discussion with parents. How did uncle aunty know about your frequency of visits etc. Is it possible mom dad say something to them. Or may be they pried it out. Still not good to leave unattended. Ask them if they feel that way. Whether or not, tell them your reasoning. Assertively tell them you love them a lot they are never below anyone in preference. It's just about convenience. Also tell them this nosy third party discussion makes you uncomfortable and if there is anything they feel not right they should straight away tell you without hesitation. You will never make an issue of it. They need not keep things bottled worrying about your feelings.
     
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  6. Nylaa

    Nylaa Silver IL'ite

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    That's probably what happened. It was probably some random remark like this and my uncle just went with it.

    They probably found about how often we're over there because I, sometimes, post pictures of family functions on my Instagram. My sister-in-law always posts stuff too, so they more than likely came across it that way.

    To be honest, I've never really asked since they've never mentioned anything to me and in the past, they've always told me if something was bothering them. I do agree that it may be necessary discuss it with them instead of assuming as I've been doing.
     
  7. 1Sandhya

    1Sandhya Platinum IL'ite

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    Mevaidehi’s advice is spot on. Dont give his words a second thought. Direct communication is best. And don’t give a 3rd party opportunity to increase your insecurities.

    In addition to clarifying with parents next time don’t give uncle aunty so much airtime. They sound like drama queens, pure gossips who relish twisting the knife in a little more while sobbing poor <your mom dad>. You literally do not have to sit there and listen to this! As soon as they say couple sentences or you realize where conversation is heading cut them off. Abruptly start new topic with an air of having just remembered ‘ ‘btw how was your trip?’ Or ‘ oh did you hear about chacha?’ And relay some other gossip. They will lap it up. If all fails just say l’ll go make tea or I’ll check on the tea. And walk away from there. Just cut it off.

    Uncle said that to show how close he is to your parents ( that they are confiding their worries re: kids to him) and increase his self-importance. He probably twisted a casual statement for more drama. Also I can bet you if confronted about it uncle will disclaim all knowledge ‘oh I said it just like that! I don’t know why Nylaa beti took it so seriously! Arre Maine to aise hi keh diya!’
    Pshaw!
     
    Last edited: Sep 16, 2019
    Nylaa likes this.
  8. Nylaa

    Nylaa Silver IL'ite

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    Yes, this. They're a bit on the dramatic side. When one of my cousins (their son), went to uni across the country from them, they were so dramatic about it as if he's moved to another country and wasn't ever coming back. *Shakes my head*

    I think they most likely took a casual statement and made it into this tragic tale. I'm definitely going to discuss it with my parents but without mentioning them. As you said, they'll act as if nothing happened or as if "Oh, I didn't mean it that way." and there is no point in involving them further.
     
  9. Shivika992

    Shivika992 New IL'ite

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    Some people just have habit to add fuel to the fire. So you must ignore what your uncle has said as you cannot trust 3rd person. And Even if your parents have said this, you should forgive them as they are only saying things out of their own concerns
     
  10. 1Sandhya

    1Sandhya Platinum IL'ite

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    Umm... Have you considered the possibility that this uncle might be a real life version of a concern troll? Like it or not, he has a problem with something in your setup, possibly that your spouse is a muslim. Now he cant come out and say that outright because then you all will recognize him for the bigot he is and reject him. So he vents his feelings by expressing 'concern' about how your father is worried and how your mother said this and that.

    Again, I would strongly urge you - Reach out to your parents. and have a frank talk with them. He may have quite possibly gone back and called up your Dad with some made up, harrowing tale of poor Nylaa beti and her situation which he witnessed during this visit. Like you, your parents might also be quite disturbed and wondering why you never expressed any of this to them and not knowing quite what to believe. So in my opinion a frank discussion is in order.
     

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