Weird behavior of my husband

han412 · Apr 27, 2014

@gouricocktail I am extremely sorry just read your initial post and replied.
How far along are you in your pregnancy?
Take a good hard look at your life 15-20 years from now and see if you want that life for yourself or your kid.

darmesh · Apr 27, 2014

sdiva20 said: ↑

I think women who choose to bring children into dysfunctional marriages
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han412 said: ↑

Pls try to avoid bringing kids into this unhappy situation if you don't have kids already.
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A practical reality has to be appreciated :

The woman in such unhappy marriages, do not have the right to choose to have kid or otherwise.

To have a kid is something, enforced on them, not something they voluntarily choose to have , after their own independent thinking and deliberation.

troubledmom · Apr 27, 2014

OP,
So when you started this thread 2 years you already knew he was impotent? Then why you r discussing about s indian bfast and all? You r telling you knew 6 yrs, then married for 1.5 and now 4 and all other trivial things but you never ask for help what to do he is impotent? Why? OP, I felt very bad when I read your thread n yr update but I am also speechless... yes you r right, your life continues... step by step you yourself r taking decision after decision which make no sense to me... why you r doing like this...to me is a big mystery. I feel v bad for your present situation but also v frustrated to see you throw your life away like this. I have no advice for you except good luck.
PS: I hope my words didnt hurt you. That is not my intention. I am a straight-fwd person but really your case baffles me. Almost it looks like you r punishing yourself for something.

gouricocktail · Apr 28, 2014

ILs,

I am somehow forced to follow a path. I do not know why I did not leave him for past 4 years.
May be because of the values (good or bad) that I learnt from Indian society,
may be because I did hurt many people as I choose this guy against everyone's wish and now I do not want to hurt them anymore at any cost,
may be because of the fear that my name + parent''s name will be spoilt amongst the society,
may be because by the time I realised his ED problem it was too late and even society would laugh at me for knowing this so late,
may be because I did not have the courage,
may be because I have always been a winner my entire life (whether it is academics, job, sports, beauty contests, debate, elocution, drawing, dance, any other competion, etc.) always excelled and now this kind of a failure is hard to accept ,
may be because still I feel I may soon see a ray of light while walking in this tunnel,
may be because I fear about my future without my DH or
may be because I love him very much.

I really don't know.
I don't know if I love him or hate him.

But now when I am pregnant. I see a joy in my parent's eyes, in my in-laws eyes, in my DHs eyes , relatives eyes and most importantly I feel happy after a long time.

No matter what I have gone through or I have to go through, I will try my best to keep my little one happy. This baby has given me a lot of happiness that I can't tell. I can atleast do this for the baby. I am sure whatever problems my DH has , he will be a good father.

So my decision to have a baby is actually making everyone happy and all I have to do is put my little selfish thought of keeping myself happy (about our sex life) in the background.

I am not sure how I can handle because lot of times these thoughts in the background come in the foreground and start eating my head and make my unhappy. I need to learn to manage those.

Regarding not asking any solution for impotency . I am sorry. If anyone has any valuable information which you think can help me , please share.
All I am waiting for is for my DH to go to a Doc, Doc correctly diagnoses and DH gets treated.

1Sandhya · May 1, 2014

Gouri dear, hugsmiley

Where to start? First of all, you absolutely need not say sorry about any of the decisions you made to anyone here. It is your life and your decision. Pls rest assured about that.

I completely understand when you talk the joy or satisfaction you are already experiencing during your pregnancy. Yes, motherhood is an invaluable experience and this joy will be doubled when you hold your little one in your arms. Pls understand this joy is not an outcome of the other situation nor dependant on it. It is a completely independent issue. So dont conflate the 2 different things.

Time has passed since you started this thread so I would like to ask you, aside from the sexual issues, how is your dh now? Is he still unreasonable and given to fits of anger? IS he still the same? Has there been any improvement in all those issues independent of your own attempts to compromise? I mean, do you see him reaching out to you and taking the initiative to be considerate of you of his accord?

It is telling to me that you mentioned having been a winner in life. Now you want to make a success of your marriage also. But marriage is unlike studies or job. In studies or job one's success is directly related to the amount of effort one puts into the task. Marriage is not like that. It takes two to make a marriage work.

I have seen winners who face a bad situation and are simply not able to handle it. Their self-image will not permit them to acknowledge that this happened to them and take the necessary steps to correct it. They go into denial mode. They take it personally when really they should not. They are not duffers that they dont know what to do. But they get stuck with 'how can this be?' 'what will xxx action really say about me?' They are afraid that taking xxx action will brand them a loser. And they want to avoid that at any cost. In that avoidance they get stuck in that bad situation. I have seen a gold medalist who got laid off from first job. It was the timing and the job market not her. But she took it very very personally and became extremely risk-averse. I feel your situation is similar.

You appear to have decided to single-handedly carry this marriage on your shoulders. I am sure you will be able to do it also. You sound like you are a very strong woman. But I gently want to remind you that it is not necessary or called for. You dont really have take so much on. You sound far too young to give up on your life and resign yourself to this kind of situation. You dont have to punish yourself entire life for the sake of one decision which you made as an immature 20-something. Its just not that big of a deal. And if you decide to leave this marriage it would neither mean that you are a winner nor a loser. It just means the marriage did not work.

Do listen to and acknowledge your gut feelings. They say a happy mom=happy kid. You will be able to force back your feelings and do the self-sacrifice thing only for so long. You are not a superhuman. Life is long. You have to live for many many more years in this situation. Which was bad to begin with and can complicate in several different unforeseen ways. You dont want to keep looking back and thinking to yourself, well *that* would have been a good point to do something, before *that fresh set of problems* arose. But I didnt know he will react like that what to do? Or *that* is when I should have taken a firm stand, right at the beginning. Dont indulge in hindsight. My advice to you is the minute you feel 'Enough!, no more!' that is the right moment for you to do something about it.

It does take a winner to decide 'this is not right, I will not allow this' and then take steps to permanently fix that situation. Even now you cant make him go to the doc etc. As I am sure you have realized the only person you can control or change is yourself.