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Weird behavior of my husband

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by gouricocktail, Jan 6, 2012.

  1. winpie

    winpie Silver IL'ite

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    Hi gouricocktail,

    I see by all the replies that everyone feels things will be better in time. I cannot assure you that it will - I have yet to see such problems ever getting resolved. So I would like you to ask yourself some questions:

    1. DO you like him at all?
    2. Does he like you at all?
    3. Why does he keep away from you - is he interested in you at all?
    4. Are you willing to live without sex for the rest of your life?
    5. Will you be able to bear the humiliation of asking for sex all your life?
    6. Imagine your life for the next 20-30 years living with the same frustrations - wondering when you are 50, remembering the misery of your relationship, and wishing you had taken steps when the time was right?
    7. Can you hope for a reasonable conversation with your husband where you can explain your expectations and he will share his reasons?

    It is usual in our culture to dismiss sex as unimportant - especially if it is lack of sex and it is the woman who says it. But the reality is that it is a very important part of a marriage. While a satisfying amount of sex for both partners can not in itself guarantee a successful marriage, the lack of it causing frustration for even one partner can definitely ruin it.

    Marriage is for both the partners - not just one. Just as you should make an effort to please him, he should make the same effort for you. So if it pleases him to have a south indian breakfast, then it would be a part of your expression of love to make it for him as often as you can. In the same way, knowing lack of sex effects you so badly, making the effort for your sake should be his expression of love for you.

    It is your perception that he is not bothered about you enough to respond to you that probably hurts you most. So, ascertain if this is really the case - is the reason behind his behaviour a lack of caring for you. The answer to this is crucial.
    Try and find out if there is a physical problem. If there is, this could itself be reason for his moods.
    Try and find out why he is moody - what are the problems he keeps hinting at and throwing at you when you argue about sex.

    In my view, there is always a reason behind such problems and the way out is to strike the root. Many a time, the search for the root shows the solution too.

    Though 1-1/2 years is not a long time in terms of a lifetime but it is long enough in a marriage not to have received some response from a man. If the situation is traumatizing to either of you, the time to do something is now - not 10 years down the line.

    A thing you will need to remember as you try to dig out these things is that if a person is shy or inhibited or has some physical problem, they will not be able to confide in a person who is demanding. People with problems need empathy and love to solve them. Pressure only makes the problem worse.

    In the end, no one can help you more than you can help yourself. How much do you want to solve the problem? What is it you care more about - having your needs met or being happy together? Do you think you will be better off if you get out of the marriage? Or are there some thing in the relationship that are valuable to you?

    A lot of questions to answer - but very essential ones. When you have the answers, you will know what to do - stay and fight for what you want or leave and ......fight for what you need.

    All the best!
     
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  2. flowerlady

    flowerlady IL Hall of Fame

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    You both have proved that love is really blind ! You are from Mumbai and DH from the south so you have different mother tongues, culture, rituals, food habits etc but can adjust.
    Remember the things you loved about him , love cannot vanish just like that unless it was unfatuation.
    Now the best way is to try and learn each others food habits etc. You can make idli , dosa easily as batter is available in many places at Mumbai. Upma is very easy and tasty. Try doing this a few days week.
    Once this gets sorted out the rest will fall in place.
     
  3. sindura16

    sindura16 Bronze IL'ite

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    gouricocktail

    My first thinking was kick ur husband hard but u want to work it out right...patient n silence is the key point....just act n say what ever he say everything is right (u don't have anything to loose by saying he is right, in ur mind just laugh out loud that u r making him fool) ...

    stop suggesting for him, don't buy anything...live ur life...have some friends for ur self n enjoy....

    but as some one said...try to make little adjustments for him...its only 1 1/2 yrs of marriage...you have a scope to change him with ur love n patience ...there r lot of south Indian food blogs ...learn some easy ones n make them...don't stress about this food issues...

    if he says my parents r everything...tell him , for u also they r everything...his parents r best...don't give him a chance to get irritate....

    I know it will build lot of frustration inside you...but whenever u r angry ...go inside bathroom n curse him whatever u want...it will make u some what better...

    so try n see ,as u said u want to take a chance....
     
  4. sivaranjaniadi

    sivaranjaniadi Bronze IL'ite

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    hi gouri,

    first pray god and say thanks for everything. then keep smiling always. when ur hus scolds also u smile. surely u will feel the changes in your life.

    siva
     
  5. CUTECINDY

    CUTECINDY Senior IL'ite

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    i strongly suggest both of u meet a psychologist / counsller .. from what i understand its all small small ego issues ..
     
  6. hemalathaK

    hemalathaK Platinum IL'ite

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    This man is full of ego.one should be so patient, cooking his favorite food all the time, should not say anything against him, please him all the time, praise him all the time and most importantly should not ask for sex at all.

    It must be very tiring for anyone to do this.I really wonder how you fell in love with him in the first place.

    Easy said than done.
     
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  7. tinku

    tinku Silver IL'ite

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    Hi there,
    Really sorry for your situation. There are some people who never bother about others. They act as they like.

    I think its better you take him for counselling. But talk about this when he is in a good mood only.

    Even if he doesnt seem to change, ignore whatever bad he speaks or deals with you for a few months, say for 6 months. And see if there is any slight change. If you see anything positive, try again for some more time. Else you should reconsider this marriage.

    Way to a man's heart is through his stomach. Cook some south indian dishes every morning for a while. If you dont like you can eat fruits and salads and chappathis for sometime. Life is about adjustments, why not adjust with your DH atleast for a while ? Still you can have your favourites which can be cooked once and preserved in the refrigerator.
     
  8. blackcrow

    blackcrow New IL'ite

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    Hi
    I can say you need to have some patience. Think about the time before your marriage. Sit with him and start talking about those days, try to go out for few days and spend some time together and try to be happy. There may be something from his work bothering him, discuss with him. You may not need to give any comments on the problem, but this will help your husband to get a bit relief from the problem. Join some health club, go out to play tennis or some other sports which you two can play. Spend some time at home, in the evening after nice dinner (obviously of his liking), sit together and watch some romantic movie. Give him some surprises, like plan a candle light dinner at home, dance on some romantic tunes. Basically made his mood, relax him mind and brain, make a calm and peaceful atmosphere. Think about how tired your husband may be after spending all day out in the office and with the Indian traffic. Keep yourself busy in learning new things, especially south Indian cuisine, as he already told you. Think that he is brought up with South Indian food and you with north Indian food. One day or two you can have something else but you start craving for the food you brought up with, so cook both, and give him time to start liking north Indian food. Fighting is not the option, try to avoid it if possible. Go in other room, if you think there is a chance of any argument, or change the topic.
    I hope you will try to change yourself a bit and give him some time to change and then you can have a good relationship.
     
  9. 1Sandhya

    1Sandhya Platinum IL'ite

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    I disagree with the others. I dont think he is going to change. Sorry to be blunt. From what you say he seems to be full of ego, some complexes and as you said sadistic behaviour. Only 2 good things I see is that you have understood within 1 and half years of marriage his true nature. And you dont yet have children. I advise you to not go for kids before you figure out your present problem. Treat it as a blessing in disguise that he is not interested in sex.

    Before you take a decision about what to do, you need to think clearly about what you really want. And, when you do this you should ignore that you have spent 6 + 1.5 yrs for him, or that you broke your parents heart to marry him. Dont confuse yourself with those facts. That is irrelevant. His behaviour with you today is the issue. After all same 2 things hold true for him also but he is not thinking oh she fought with her parents to marry me, I shd treat her better right? So you also have to put that aside and think clearly.

    Now before you take decision one way or other you have to realize the following:

    1. What do you really want from this marriage? And after that, think about what is there in this marriage that is worth saving? Ask yourself that. Be honest. Ask yourself what you saw in this man, why you decided marriage etc. Be honest about whether you think there is anything worth saving. Be clear and differentiate between your expectations and what is reality. Eg., you thought his not touching you before marriage was a sign of perfect gentleman. This was your expectation, this was in your head. but in reality it was not true. You realized reality after marriage. Like this, go through one by one and check what are facts, what is real and what is just a hope, impression or expectation from your side. Make a list of his present behaviour also and be honest if you can bear to live with that or not. You cannot control him , you can only control your reaction. Then only you can come to a good decision.

    2. Please be aware of this: He may never change. Ever. Really, honestly speaking, the only person one can change is ourselves. The others have given great suggestions of what to do if you decide to save the marriage and begin to change yourself, adjust and compromise. But recognize this clearly -- you may have to do these things for rest of your life. Are you personally okay with that? Be clear with yourself on this issue, if you decide to continue in the marriage and in order to do so as you say, you will have to change yourself.

    finally, I would advise you not be too hard on yourself. Dont blame yourself too much. I have seen that this type of love marriage with sadist person cases are quite common. I think it might be that before marriage they are able to fool the innocent, inexpereinced, often naive girls with lot of filmy romantic gestures. Due to bollywood influence girls expect such things nowadays and fall for it. Such people are not able to get past the more experienced parental scrutiny in arraged cases maybe? who knows? But if you think 1 and half years is too much, then think how much worse you will feel after 10 yrs or more. Your parents want to see you happy. period. Talk to them openly. Dont hide what is going on from them. If they were right and you are wrong, fine it is what it is. There is no shame in admitting you were wrong to your parents. Take it as a life lesson. So dont worry about that. But dont spoil your life.
     
    Last edited: Jan 10, 2012
  10. SSC

    SSC Platinum IL'ite

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    Gauri,
    I have read your earlier posts too... Before replying to your post, let me ask you this first... How much have you implemented from last time? Have you tried to be nice to him, figured out ways to not have an argument? - remaining silent/postponing the argument or whatever... Have you tried any of them?
    At the same time, if he wants a South Indian BF, give that to him. Personally, I wouldnt like if if my BF tries to change my food habits. Our habits are drastically different, and we try to find things that both of us like in food. And thats what we cook, when we are together. Its very important to not force food habits on our partners. Maybe, idlis and dosas gives him a good start for the day. So make that!
    With mall and car parking, well its a very simple issue. It depends on the angle of the car, and other nuances, which will make me pick a spot. So please dont take such small things very sensitively.
    Yes, there are problems with your sex life and romance. But right now, please put your sex life in the back burner and concentrate on other things, IMO.

    Edit : Find solutions to problems one at a time. Keep in mind, you cant fix them all at a time, and some things cant be fixed at all.
     
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