Want to get out of this frustration ?????

Anikha · Dec 30, 2011

MrsYPatel,

It's a changing scene in India now , girls are financially independent , they are being recognized , their opinion is valued ....... given.... if the girl is earning..........

or, :shhh:
if you are a daughter of a big business tycoon.

amrita16soni · Dec 30, 2011

Hi ars n all others,
Now a days i m not getting sleep in night bcoz of these. U know what i did told to DH that "nobody called my mom into the party which my SIL gave". His reply was " Wht do i do if she didn't called".
I was expecting that atleast he will say that " ok i wil talk to my mom " , but no!!!! he started arguing me n didn't agree that they did the mistake.Atleast my mom is alone in hometown, they should have invited my mom too, she must have felt happy. But i don't know y all rituals , rules n regulations are for gal or their side not for the boy n their family.

amrita16soni · Dec 30, 2011

Hi Anikha,
I guess u r much more practical and got more with the time. Maybe I am newly married so I am expecting so much, wid the time I will also learn these things.
But atleast in starting everyone expects with each other, there family wid my family n vice versa.
Maybe everyone expectation dosen't comes to fullest. But I think in future I also hve to get practical like u.

flowerlady · Dec 30, 2011

amrita16soni said: ↑

Hi ars n all others,
Now a days i m not getting sleep in night bcoz of these. U know what i did told to DH that "nobody called my mom into the party which my SIL gave". His reply was " Wht do i do if she didn't called".
I was expecting that atleast he will say that " ok i wil talk to my mom " , but no!!!! he started arguing me n didn't agree that they did the mistake.Atleast my mom is alone in hometown, they should have invited my mom too, she must have felt happy. But i don't know y all rituals , rules n regulations are for gal or their side not for the boy n their family.
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Dear friend,
Stop involving your nice DH in parental issues. Why bother about PILs invites to parents all the time? We dont invite everybody all the time do we? Why should SIL call your parents to her parties ?
Nobody can force people to invite guests. How would you feel if your MIL started making your guest list?
You are getting worried for nothing.
Many sons also leave their old parents alone due to various reasons like DDs after marriage .
Forget the money given to you for setting house, by Gods grace you have enough.
Please dont expect any gifts from PILs , do you expect them to send parcels? Maybe if you were with them for festivals you would get gifts too.
Be happy and dont go looking for trouble where there is none.
Cut the apron strings , your parents have their own family members , why rely on PILs to include them?
Please do not discuss such topics with DH , he cannot order his parents/family to invite your parents.
Enjoy your pregnancy.

amrita16soni · Dec 30, 2011

Dear flowerlady,
I agree its not necessary that they always invite may parents. But what if my mom always visit them if even they go for a week to hometown. Suppose ur relatives come once a yr in a city n ur house is hving function. Won't u invite them. Relationship are built with these small things only. Otherwise i should have asked my parents y u visit them every now n then if they are not responsive, how they will feel if my parents won't go. Thy will say immediately" ur parents came here n didn't visited us" then wht. So same here.
Atleast if we do 10 times they shuld do 1 time.
And another thing, y shuldn't i ask for the money , my dad gave? he gave us so that i can have all facilities at my home. If i m not getting that , i would certainly ask for it. Now in near future i will hve a kid, if i m surviving , i won't let my kid survive for such necessary things which shuld be there in advance itself.
I am having full aurthority to know where tht money gone.
U said like " u shul not worry if u hve enough money" , wht if after having enough money i don't have facilities that are necessary. then certainly i will ask " ok till the time i was adjusting but now at this time i need all things bcoz my father gave me that , so that i can get comfortable in new house."
Yes i won't hightlight or use words like " my father gave, my father gave" , but still i will ask where tht money is being used.

satchitananda · Dec 30, 2011

Dear Amrita,

amrita16soni said: ↑

Do you gals also think that after marriage our parents should also get same respect as we do to our in-laws.

Amrita, yes, in an ideal world one would surely wish that it should be so.

But atleast our(DH family) family should always be attached wid them so they don't feel like alone.

How about other people in your parents' social circles - friends, relatives ......? I am not saying your ILs should not invite your family or be friendly and close to them, but such things cannot be forced. They have to come from inside. Would you be satisfied if they pretended to be close and did not genuinely feel that way?

My mom n dad always visit to in-laws if they are there at home town. But I think they should also visit to my parents. If there is any function they should invite my parents also. My parents do all formalities if they visit for a week, instead of having lots of work to finish up the pending things.

The only thing you can do in that case is to tell your parents not to extend such courtesies to your in-laws (which I doubt genuinely if they would agree to that themselves).

But not same from other side. Why it is like that, I am very upset wid this. MIL says, if u want respect u also have to give respect. But doesn't follows these. My parents call n wish everybody on their bdays(in age of 60's) but these people doesn't wish my family members on any occasion. Relationship is built on these small things only. But why our DH doesn't understand that.

One important fact of life, don't believe what everyone says. Why your DH or IL don't understand such small things - well unfortunately our social customs allow the men's side of the family to get away with everything, so they take advantage of the fact.

My parents gave us a cash to buy things for your own after marriage. Becoz moving from hometown to metro wid those things was difficult. I also did not said anything bcoz till then it was not neccessary, but bcoz now i m pregnant and it's already 2 yrs i think i should have everything wht i needed and my kid will require. But now how to say to my DH, that the money given by my parents was to get comfortable in new house. But i don't know what happened about that money. nobody tells me and I also don't ask becoz of hesitation. How to ask for this to my DH.

Your parents made a mistake by giving it in the hands of your ILs or your DH. If they meant it to be for you, they should have put it in your name in an account. If they intended it to be for your ILs, then you cannot do anything about it anyway.

I did'nt get anything on occaasions like(bday, diwali, teeja, anniversary). Till some time i can understand if some financial problem is there. But how long, don't u think they should give these by themselves bcoz i m newly married. It's ok if my DH didnt have that much package but he is US and getting gud package and my BIL is also getting gud package. My FIL is getting pension. We are 5 members in family, instead of that we don't have those necessary things. Why??????
Adjusting and compromising is ok till some pt. ,but how long.

Ambika, just as they have absolutely no right to expect or demand things from us, we too have no right to expect gifts from them as our birth right. You can ask your husband for gifts, but can't expect it from ILs. It would have certainly been nice if they had given you something more as a good will gesture or a token of affection, but when one can't even expect affection and love from them, how can one expect gifts signifying these feelings from them?
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amrita16soni said: ↑

Now a days i m not getting sleep in night bcoz of these. U know what i did told to DH that "nobody called my mom into the party which my SIL gave". His reply was " Wht do i do if she didn't called".

Amrita, how can anyone including your mil insist on your sil inviting your mom to her party?

I was expecting that atleast he will say that " ok i wil talk to my mom " , but no!!!! he started arguing me n didn't agree that they did the mistake.

In this case it is your demand which is unreasonable.

Atleast my mom is alone in hometown, they should have invited my mom too, she must have felt happy.

Your sil's party may be for a completely different group of people. Sometimes it becomes difficult to mix different groups in one party. For ex if I am having a party for my mil's mamas and mamis family, and my brother's wife insists I invite her parents to this party, they may not be comfortable with each other, they may not know each other and nobody may be able to open up and chat with each other comfortably. Better to have different parties for different groups. Similarly I may not mix different groups of friends - I wouldn't invite my college friends to a party I have for my IL friends.

But i don't know y all rituals , rules n regulations are for gal or their side not for the boy n their family.

There are no rules and regulations for anybody - no one can insist that your parents do anything for your ILs either. At the most if your parents refuse to do anything for them, your ILs can only grumble, grouch and be unpleasant. Beyond that they can't take your parents to court or file a case against them. All rules and regulations are what we make for ourselves. Please tell your parents not to do anything for your ILs if you feel so strongly about it. Let them not do anything unless they genuinely like them or feel like doing anything for them. Let there be no expectations from either side. This business of I have to do for you, so you have to do for me too whether or not either of us like each other is meaningless at the end of the day.
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flowerlady · Dec 30, 2011

Dear Amrita,
The relationship between PILs and parents is always a dicey one. Its better to have cordial relationship than grumble about not getting invites to all dos.
Your parents can also withdraw a bit if they are not getting a proper response from your PILs. Whatever the outcome how can your DH advise his family to invite your parents? He is right when he says that its not his problem.
If you wish to create trouble for yourself by arguing with innocent DH about such matters then you will create tension for yourself. Its not good for you to have tension at this stage.
It appears that your parents are coming in too strong and should back off if your PILs are inhospitable.They should lessen their visits to your PILs place and also not invite them to all parties.
Tit for tat, then you can reply like DH when asked as to why your parents have cooled off !
Is there any other reason for your outburst?
Take care, be happy , go shopping for baby pictures !

anurar20 · Dec 30, 2011

Dear Amritha,

Dont think too much and take tense as u r pregnant. Time will change all these. Ask ur requirement to DH affectionately dont order him because mens dont like ordering.

Please dont get frustrated it will harm ur baby so please take care of yourself.

regards,
Anu

MrsYPatel · Jan 10, 2012

If a person (male or female) thinks that a woman's opinion doesn't count, then that person actually is a BAD person...
The comment you made about not knowing until you marry, is exactly why I'm against arranged marriages. In most, it's the woman who suffers.

silvertulip · Jan 10, 2012

Dear Amrita,

Don't stress urself over ur ILs. Your pregnancy is ur priority now. Ask ur parents to maintain some distance with ur ILs and don't discuss such issues with ur DH, as it will bring u more stress. Let ur ILs grumble, if they aint happy with ur parents keeping distance from them. From now onwards, ask ur parents to put money in ur account rather than giving ur ILs. Don't expect ur ILs to be very amiable to ur parents, coz they wont be so (I am saying it after seeing ur posts on forum abt them) and it is not required for ur parents also to be very caring for ur ILs except for what is required.