Visiting The Us

Viswamitra · Jul 20, 2016

I have a few questions for the fellow residents and citizens of another country:

1) A guest arrives in the US a day before the host arrives from overseas. The host requests the guests to be picked by the host's spouse. The flight is supposed to arrive at 8:30 p.m. but ended up arriving at 1 a.m. in the morning. The host's spouse brought them home at 2 a.m. and fed them. Doesn't she deserve a "thank you" from the guests?

2) Host arrives from overseas trip and has severe jet lag. Despite that takes the hosts to places for two consecutive days driving several miles over the weekend including visiting a theme park spending 12 hours straight including driving. Does host deserve to receive "thank you" from the guest?

3) The third day, the host decides to attend to his work as he returns from overseas after a week's trip and hence so much to catch up. He didn't take the guests out anywhere. The guest retaliates, "there is no point in visiting the US if they were to read books and watch TV all day as they could do the same back in India". Are the hosts in the US requested to take the guests out all the time leaving their work schedule apart? Does working Indian hosts take the guests visiting from overseas around to many places in India taking leave from work?

4) Are the guests visiting the US, if they like to tour various locations, expected to make their own arrangements including hotel and site seeing to see places in the US? If they like to spend time with people, leave the hosts to work and entertain them whenever they have time? Does people living overseas visiting other countries make their own arrangement to tour or they expect relatives in other countries to spend time, effort and money to help the guest tour places?

Note: These guests invited themselves through an email notification and the hosts responded welcoming them and are not close extended family members like mother, father, brother, sister, etc.

I need honest and sincere answers from the members of IL how they handle these situations. Please don't take it personally if you were a visiting overseas guests to someone's home at some point in time.

Viswa

guesshoo · Jul 21, 2016

They sound like appalling guests Viswa sir.

In your place I would give hints
- ask them what their plans are
- give suggestions about where they can go
- letting them know where to exchange money
- suggest which other cities to visit.

To rude comments that they could watch TV and read in India itself, I would get so cross that I would have rudely said, "we aren't in India to be able to take indefinite leaves and while away time with visitors. We have our routines from which we can't budge." I suspect though that you are far more dignified and gracious than to stoop to that!

I suspect the more you try to please them though the more you'd feel taken advantage of. It would be better to politely and firmly set boundaries.

kcb · Jul 21, 2016

Thought provoking questions viswa ji....

Hope all guests read this post and try to amend their behavior.

Yes, your questions are so genuine, some guests want them to treat as Gods. Yes we believe in the saying Athithi Devobhava, but that is only applicable to treat the guest with respect and providing them good food and comforts at home, but not to accompany them everywhere. Practically it is not possible to take day offs from work and entertain guests wherever they want to go. Weekends are fine, but expecting the host to take off from work is too much of expectation.

IMO, we have to make our own tour plan & arrangements when we visit someone's place as guests. If needed we can take help of the host in suggesting us about good transportation links and route. Also it is very important to help the host in household work and cooking as the work load increases because of the guests visit. It is good gesture to help them, I feel if at all I go to someone's place as a guest, then I make sure I buy some vegetables or snacks or fruits etc. household items whenever I go out. Also I try to help them in the household work. I never want to burden my hosts financially or physically with my visit (but till now we never stayed at someone's place as guests, we always prefer to stay in hotels whenever we go on holidays).

GoogleGlass · Jul 21, 2016

A classic predicament situation at least once everyone would have to undergo Viswa.

Have been subjected to such, many a times and was made a bakra

Decades back when I was a kid my dad used to take us on vacation - he just doesn't tell friends, relatives there the exact travel dates. We arrive book hotels refresh and then visit them. They would make a big fuss for not staying with them. But those relationships lasted longer and lasting. At the same time when they visit us they stay at our place and dad and mom welcome them.

These days increasingly they love being entertained but are averse to return the favor. So it is better to clearly draw a line and keep stress away, next time around.

Gaiya3 · Jul 21, 2016

Right time for your post as expecting someone pretty soon. And oh god the preparations that are going out of the way to make a comfortable stay within our means seems to be too much. We have taken the days off to be available for their stay (as it is a week less) and have charted out the places we could visit apart from making accommodations to their dietary preferences ( no carb/low carb/high glycemic index etc etc) Aditi devo Bhava .... These were the same people when we visited them earlier say decades ago, found it tough to even get up at 9a.m leave alone treating us with bread for breakfast! While I was cooking in their kitchen when they left to work. We entertained ourselves in their city and after that have curtailed our visits.... Some people what can we say!

PavithraS · Jul 21, 2016

Viswa Sir, could understand your feelings. Just wanted to say that you are not alone .

When it comes to hosting, I follow Bagavad Gita Chapter 2, Verse 47 ,

Karmanye vadhikaraste Ma Phaleshu Kadachana,
Ma Karmaphalaheturbhurma Te Sangostvakarmani

Viswamitra · Jul 21, 2016

guesshoo said: ↑

They sound like appalling guests Viswa sir.

In your place I would give hints
- ask them what their plans are
- give suggestions about where they can go
- letting them know where to exchange money
- suggest which other cities to visit.

To rude comments that they could watch TV and read in India itself, I would get so cross that I would have rudely said, "we aren't in India to be able to take indefinite leaves and while away time with visitors. We have our routines from which we can't budge." I suspect though that you are far more dignified and gracious than to stoop to that!

I suspect the more you try to please them though the more you'd feel taken advantage of. It would be better to politely and firmly set boundaries.
Click to expand...

@guesshoo,

Thank you for your prompt response and guidance. I have understood over several years of my life that it is not always possible to please everyone in life. I pretty much held on to my emotions and sent them off yesterday without any verbal exchanges. But when I went out with them on a long drive, I explained very politely a) our main purpose of coming to the US is to make a living and hence that gets priority over entertaining guests, b) when we visit other countries,we stay in hotels and make our own arrangements to visit places, c) even if people invite us for formality, we never stay at anyone's house when we visit other countries but visit them for a couple of hours, d) we always take gifts or at least fruits when we visit elders and children and e) we thank them profusely for hosting us even for couple of hours.

I don't know whether they got the message or not but I conveyed in a very polite language. My wife took very good care of them at home. On the day, they were leaving, I had to go to a meeting and hence I arranged a prepaid taxi for them to be dropped at the airport.

Viswa

Viswamitra · Jul 21, 2016

kcb said: ↑

Thought provoking questions viswa ji....

Hope all guests read this post and try to amend their behavior.

Yes, your questions are so genuine, some guests want them to treat as Gods. Yes we believe in the saying Athithi Devobhava, but that is only applicable to treat the guest with respect and providing them good food and comforts at home, but not to accompany them everywhere. Practically it is not possible to take day offs from work and entertain guests wherever they want to go. Weekends are fine, but expecting the host to take off from work is too much of expectation.

IMO, we have to make our own tour plan & arrangements when we visit someone's place as guests. If needed we can take help of the host in suggesting us about good transportation links and route. Also it is very important to help the host in household work and cooking as the work load increases because of the guests visit. It is good gesture to help them, I feel if at all I go to someone's place as a guest, then I make sure I buy some vegetables or snacks or fruits etc. household items whenever I go out. Also I try to help them in the household work. I never want to burden my hosts financially or physically with my visit (but till now we never stayed at someone's place as guests, we always prefer to stay in hotels whenever we go on holidays).
Click to expand...

@kcb

The problems I faced are many folds. One my wife ended up staying at the airport well past midnight and they could have easily grabbed a taxi to reach home as they had the address especially when I was out of the country. I would have gladly paid the charges and they both can speak English. Second, I returned from India the next day and hence I had severe jet lag but still I was driving them around to take them to places. Not once they thanked me for the effort. One day, I ended up out 12 hours over the weekend in the hot Sun. I don't have a problem in doing that as long as they don't consider that as an entitlement. Even when my son and I was helping my wife in her chorus, the visiting lady just was silently sitting in a chair not offering to help. The day before they left, my wife gave them gifts and which they gracefully accepted. They discussed about how to carry them in the cabin baggage without paying $25 for checked in baggage. I was going to offer that $25 but I thought it would be insulting.

However, I arranged a taxi for them to go to the airport as I had a meeting and prepaid the taxi driver along with the tip so that they don't have to pay anything. Is it normal for people to come from India to the US expecting those who live in the US to look after them for all their cash needs? I can understand this situation for elderly parents, close family relatives like brothers and sisters but is it normal for others to do so?

Like you, I also prefer to stay in hotels or our own house when we visit other countries even if others invite them to come and stay. That gives independence for us to do whatever we feel like doing and not destabilize the routine of other families.

Viswa

Viswamitra · Jul 21, 2016

GoogleGlass said: ↑

A classic predicament situation at least once everyone would have to undergo Viswa.

Have been subjected to such, many a times and was made a bakra

Decades back when I was a kid my dad used to take us on vacation - he just doesn't tell friends, relatives there the exact travel dates. We arrive book hotels refresh and then visit them. They would make a big fuss for not staying with them. But those relationships lasted longer and lasting. At the same time when they visit us they stay at our place and dad and mom welcome them.

These days increasingly they love being entertained but are averse to return the favor. So it is better to clearly draw a line and keep stress away, next time around.
Click to expand...

Dear GG,

They invited themselves on this trip to the US. Unfortunately, I was returning to the US from India, a day after they reached. Jet lag added more stress to me driving continuously right after landing in the US.
I definitely don't impose myself on other families when I visit other countries but I don't mind entertaining people as long as they understand my work gets preference over entertaining them.

Viswa

Viswamitra · Jul 21, 2016

Gaiya3 said: ↑

Right time for your post as expecting someone pretty soon. And oh god the preparations that are going out of the way to make a comfortable stay within our means seems to be too much. We have taken the days off to be available for their stay (as it is a week less) and have charted out the places we could visit apart from making accommodations to their dietary preferences ( no carb/low carb/high glycemic index etc etc) Aditi devo Bhava .... These were the same people when we visited them earlier say decades ago, found it tough to even get up at 9a.m leave alone treating us with bread for breakfast! While I was cooking in their kitchen when they left to work. We entertained ourselves in their city and after that have curtailed our visits.... Some people what can we say!
Click to expand...

@Gaiya3,

You appear to be a gracious host for planning so far ahead and you also appear to be a very decent guest when you visited them. God bless you. That kind of understanding helps everyone.

I always welcome people home especially when they are visiting from other countries. Only sensitive thing for me is the conflict between work and entertaining them. As long as they are understanding and willing to adjust to my work schedule, I have no issues driving the guests around.

Viswa