View On My Friends Suggestion Of Not Approaching Men

its such a turn off for me if men are not proactive and confident enough to approach. Lifelong torture as we will be the project manager type spouse and have to plan and execute everything.

 

I am all for gender equality but a woman would appreciate getting a bouquet of roses or made to feel special/ be pursued once in a while. I don’t think it’s a confidence issue at all . These are Indian men that have grown up watching their mothers in the kitchen all day long and that’s the role that they see their women play in their lives. They have never seen their parents show any affection in the form of date nights / holding hands or even hugging each other. ( God forbid ! Cultured Indian women cannot have fun).
Marrying such a specimen is probably equivalent to being single but with in laws and life time of chores/duties / responsibilities.

 

@SinghManisha @senorita2019

Exactly, I want to be with someone who will pursue me once in a while and does not take offense if I am the one messaging/calling (god forbid, fast girl/ will dominate). My parents never understand that - they keep complaining that I say someone is too meek and I find the next guy too dominating. It’s like that person has to be right/perfect on every measure.

To be honest, I have had more acceptance on this platform. I do not know what is the average age of women on this platform, but I am sure some are the same age as my mum (she is in her 50’s). Or maybe she has more skin in the game - after all she is the one with that obstinate daughter saying No to those good-on-paper matches

 

Married with Children -- could be the median crowd on this forum. And therefore, all of them would have (/has) that skin in the game. All mums want their daughters to have a happy life (this would mean having control over things), and it would follow that whatever things that would not make the child happy would not please the mum.
The child has to explain to her 50+ mum her list of deal-breaker things, and why they are there. And update (very like mobile phone software update) when deal-breaker things move to negotiables-list.
Of course, in modern life, west or east, there are many "don't ask, don't tell" subjects between a daughter (or son, for that matter) and her mum. For children living far away from home, all that the parents could/would hope for, is that the child be well and safe, no matter what interactions/relationships they are involved in.

 

Hahaha, men really look for women like their mothers and someone who can fill that roles.
My husband never called during the time between engagement and wedding. Guess what, he still never calls or talks.
What you see before marriage is what you will get. Most guys have confidence of being boy in Indian society and not being shy about calling. If you are not okay with the communication part now, it will not change after wedding, so put it on table. Tell him that you would like to have more open/ frequent/ close communication.
My MIL did all zhadu pocha when her children were growing up, since they were very poor. My husband still likes me to do zhadu pocha, and he thinks that all women get up in the morning and fantasize about their zhadu pocha and roti making, in kitchen. Finally, I have taken zhadu pocha as a hobby lol.
What your MIL did during your husbands formative years, will have a huge impact on how your husband will perceive woman's role in marriage.
Try to find out about the dynamics in MIL family, since you will have something similar. If you don't like it leave it.
I personally won't go for too dominating guy, it will be hard to adjust.

 

It doesn’t really matter who takes the first initiative to ask the other person out- as long as the energy towards the relationship is maintained by both. If you are the only person asking and calling then yes I agree that that is not the right one for you. But sometimes if you just wait for people to approach you then you will keep on waiting. I have met guys online and after the initial banter if the guy is not suggesting to meet up then I used to throw it out there. If they are serious then yes they will agree to meet. If they are playing a game then it’s good to filter them out at this stage. After I met someone for the first time though in person, I was just myself and had a good time. Invariably the guys asked me out for a second date 100% of the time. If you like someone, you can be confident without being clingy. A guy I ended up dating for a year said he found my confidence incredibly sexy. The fact that I could make the first move on him sometimes yet hold back or do my own thing most of the time and not let the relationship or being with someone consume me was very attractive to him.

But yes IF you make the first move wait for him to make the second one. Have fun with dating, think of it as an adventure ❤️

 

Reaching out isn't a petty grievance as it dodgily functions as a proxy indicator of mutual interest.

Each emergence of companionship is different yet they exhibit significant similarities, in that, every romance/love/courtship goes through two imperative stages.

(1) Screening: of mutual interest after the early interaction. You could have known the guy from a dating app or facebook or friendly network or bumped into him randomly at an uneventful gathering, yet, both appeal to each other which gets carried over into a contact exchange.
​

The first call is arbitrary in the continuity of a lively conversation since the introduction. Exchange numbers ..text ..hey ..thanks..what's up ..the conversation sways uninterrupted. However, the second call after that all-nighter of giggles inhibits us.

Man: It's 9 am. She hasn't called up yet. May be she found me a bore since the last call.
Woman: It's 9 am. No beep. May be he isn't interested in me. My jokes were too corny for him.
Man: Would she think of me as a rake if I casually buzz her. Would she suspect me of a womanizer beseeching every woman from the previous night.
Woman: Would he think of me clingy and needy with a breakfast hello. Would he suspect me of badly aspiring to work this out between us for reaching him out.
Man: (Damn it! Call me!)
Woman: (Rats! Call me!)​

In that foremost stage, the notion of a caller is irrelevant because initiation is a fraught indicator of mutual interest. Pay attention to how the man behaves during the call. Does he continue the conversation with excitement insisting to hold the call while he attends to something nearby without dropping the call.

This stage is fleeting as couples migrate to the next stage or part from lack of sustained appeal towards each other regardless of an active caller within them.

(continued ...)

 

The next stage is known by various identifiers and experiences though commonly identified as steady dating or progressive relationship with experiences ranging from coyly eye-gazing and sheepishly holding hands or the whole caboodle of towel dance in a rain shower. Mileage of that besotted exclamation and intimacy varies.

(2) Steady: committed to seeing each other with companionship prospects.​

The sentiment behind 'reach out' in this plateaued stage is displaced by 'mutual worth' from 'mutual interest'. No longer the jitters on whether the guy is interested in you but a self-inquiry on whether the guy is worth the effort. In this stage, if the fatigued woman is disproportionately initiating the calls, self-doubt will arise in the skewed undertaking. Timely negotiation and self-expression might avert an impending hostile blowup.

Woman: Do you still feel the blush or a cute sensation when the caller is your tyrant girlfriend? "T Rex calling you .." By the way, I changed my contact on your phone to T Rex. I do. I feel that blush. It makes my tiddly neurons go chapak japak. I would like you to call me unreasonably often because I enjoy seeing your name pop up on my phone ...'calling you..' It is such an inexpensive and fulfilling delight. Can you call me more often.
Man: I never knew you felt that way.
Woman: Yes, I do. I am happy when you reach out to me.
Man: I understand that reaching out to you gladdens you but what is that 'unreasonable' call..
Woman: Stevie Wonder call to utter that you called up just to say that you (still) love me for no reason. ​

If the guy is half as sensible and intelligent as a slow-witted bumblebee, he would indulge as that forthcoming caller of even those unreasonable les petits noms d’Amour apart from the banal calls.

Is it worth to cadge and scrape the interactive thrills from the unobvious men? Men are blurry mind readers. Assert your sentiments and trivialities on them to keep you chipper in a relationship and make you feel loved and warm. Hey, dude, I sense that I am missed and loved by you in certain ways that are typical to me.

The proxied indicator with an interactive interface ascends from 'is he interested in me' in screening stage to 'is he still crazy about me' in steady stage. In any age and time, chivalry endears a woman, just that the advanced chivalry (modern: call, text) has to be bit explicit.

(continued ...)

 

(continued oblique)

In utter disbelief of these towel-dancing and stevie-shenanigans couples? Who are these glorified men? Who are these hellbent women? If women have come a long way, so did men. Some men find strong-headed and assertive women appealing. They are scattered like pips in a melon within the slices of society men. These pip-sy men listen to the desire of a woman to be felt loved in her plaintiff to call her up to her delight. They find it amusing to find their women acutely vocal about their needs. These men are thoughtful and self-assured in their emerging relationships. Thus, a Kajol-styled Mere Khwabon Mein Jo towel-dance or Carly Rae Jepsen-fashioned Call Me Maybe injunction by a woman does not faze him or throw him off.

You attract and appeal to someone like you! If you are one such woman, you might attract one such man. Advisable for a woman to be herself under doubtful circumstances.

 

@Amulet,
You are right. But I think you are also missing the point here. Everyone has their own bias and preference - my parents don’t get me. They want me happy and settled, and for them it means marriage and nothing else. Nothing else I have accomplished or even the person I am matters. Three of their nieces with a bachelors degree in Engineering are married and are homemakers. One niece Armed with an MBA is married and homemaker. Yet another niece got married, had a baby, got divorced and she is getting married for the second time. She is also a homemaker. My aunts work, but their daughters don’t.

My parents’ thought process is - “They gave me time (16 years, because they started looking for an alliance when I was in my undergrad, to be honest I wasn’t sure if I would complete my degree and be “allowed” to work. That was the only reason I wrote CAT that year). Obviously, doing things my way has not worked. My younger cousins are married and happy being homemakers. Ergo, I should give it a shot too.” And I have a younger sibling that is waiting for me to get married ( I do not know if anyone has seen the Hindi movie Sanam Teri Kasam - my sister isn’t seeing anyone, but I am the “Nandi” to her ever after if you know what I mean).
They want me to lose weight, dress better, be “open” with the men I speak with, relocate(quit my job if that’s what it takes) and be married already. I was so afraid that someone would marry for my “accomplishments” (education, music, dance, job) and not for what I am. But I now think my parents have also viewed my achievements (for the lack of a better word) as a ticket to get a son in law they can be proud of/show off. And they think it is not working in their favor anymore!