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Very stingy in-laws!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by Lina05, Oct 11, 2009.

  1. Lina05

    Lina05 New IL'ite

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    Hi all,

    please tell me how to handle this:
    I am engaged for 1,5 years. My in-laws have always been very stiny.
    For example when it´s my birthday they´re even too stingy to make a phone call. My family always calls my fiance on his birthday.
    And what really pisses me off is the fact, that my MIL can´t send me some Mehndi or even a Bindi on Karwa Chaut. Last year on Diwali my parents gave a really expensive Jacket and shoes to my fiance.
    So even two weeks after Diwali my in-laws didn´t send me anything. So I was really disappointed. My fiance asked why I am kind of rude with him on the phone and am not talking so much, so I just told him that it would have made me happy, if they would also once think about me and at least gifted me something small at Diwali - since they have never given me any gift. He got mad at me, and asked me if I am calling his parents stingy?
    Well, I had never used that word, but I wanted to say: YES, they are!!!!
    So, I guess since I was complaining - he talked to his parents and told them what I think about their behaviour. Anyways three weeks after that phone call, I received a little package from his parents. They sent me a suit - OMG it was so cheap! It was cotton, not even a stone or anything on that and it was so loose. I guess they bought he cheapest suit they could find in that indian store close to their house - and that store also have really beautiful things! So I was so mad, when I saw that suit - it was worse then sending nothing. so during our engagement time thi sis the only gift I ever got from them. I am not writing this is here, because I want gifts- but I think since my parents are spending so much on him why can´t they also give me a little present, for example some chudiyan on karwa chaut or something...............

    How shall I deal with that in the future when they treat me also like that once I am their Bahu? Please tell me what u think! thanks.
     
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  2. asuitablegirl

    asuitablegirl Gold IL'ite

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    Hello Lina,

    So now you know that whatever they send you, it will be crap. Or, what you preceive to be crap. But you know, the best way not to have somebody dissapoint you is, don't have any expectations from them at all. That way if you end up with an ugly outfit (or broken immitation necklace set like me :)), it won't seem like such a big deal, since you weren't expecting anything nice anyways!

    I know in the beginning we have big dreams that every function will be special and celebrated, but reality is, sometimes others don't play along with our fantasy and it all gets ruined. In the future, if you want something in particular... ask your hubby to get it for you. If you want mehndi, but it yourself. If you want a bindi, buy it yourself. If you want a nice new outfit? Yep, that's right. Buy it yourself. Or get your hubby or parents to gift it to you.

    And really, do you want a gift from people who didn't really want to send it in the first place? What's the point of a 'gift' if it was acquired involuntarily? Or half heartedly? Who knows, maybe once you're ACTUALLY their bahu, they'll start to gift you things. But even if they don't, let it go. Don't start your marriage off on a bad start just on account of not getting a packet of mehndi. And don't make the mistake of comparing what your parents give to what his parents give. No two families are the same. Are your inlaws stingy? Sounds like it. But you can't change them. So move on, and enjoy your time being engaged. You have lots of other stuff to look forward to in life. Good luck! :thumbsup
     
  3. SriVidya75

    SriVidya75 Platinum IL'ite

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    Lina

    I agree with ASG.

    You feeling bad that your inlaws wont care enough to atleast send something nice on those special occassions or days which matter to you(or should i say which supposed to matter to them too...hello...you are their DIL , their sons wife..their family..)...because your parents understand the importance and send their love in the form of gifts/greetings to their SNIL...your feeling is very valid..and even your frustration and being upset is also right...but again you saw the reaction too..if you force people to do something which they dont want to ...or which they dont like/not habituated to ..this is how it turns out...either they send the most worst gift so that you wont use it anywyas.and they can stay out of that thought that they didnt send anything (they wont look bad infront of their son)..and now you are in a situation where you cant complain anymore....you cant comment on the gift received..as your hubby would get upset thinking what is all this mess my wife has a problem whether my parents send a gift or not...if you dont comment, you are worried, that they would send all such gifts which you cant use/throw them..

    Best part is just dont expect. Its very difficult to practise, but beleive me these are the initial stages and when you see the reality, try to set the expectations so that they wont bug you too much going forward. By the way its not even worth to worry about these..provided if you have a loving husband..reason..ask him to get or buy those for you (tell him instead of his parents buying and sending all over from their country to yours...he can as well buy them there itself if they are available...)

    Or else you can buy / order online...these days everything is available online..

    But yeah pls get your expectations straight and dont even look or sound upset about these things as you would give one less reason for them to bug you..
     
    Last edited: Oct 12, 2009
  4. blessed

    blessed Platinum IL'ite

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    Please dear,

    The more u expect the more it is a disappointment for you.
    From your two post you have clearly mentioned they are very stingy and never like to spend on their future DIL, so from now on stop expecting.

    I know we all loved to be pampered by small gifts atleast, its one way of showing their effection but we cannot force them to do so, it should come naturally and they should give it with full heart and not by any one's force.

    So forget it, if they are not willing to give anything, don't expect anything from them.
     
  5. reshsabu

    reshsabu Gold IL'ite

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    Lina,

    Like other ILs suggested, stop expecting such gifts from your future in-laws. As long as your DH is not like that, dont bother about their gifts.

    Going forward, you can also either buy inexpensive gifts or stop buying gifts altogether for your in-laws. Ask your parents also not to spend too much money buying stuff for your DH or his parents. If at all you /your parents buy gifts for them, just keep it small and not too expensive ( just as a token of love).

    You are not yet married. Once you get married, there may be several occasions when you keep doing things for your in-laws and they never do anything in return. So, better get used to "not keeping expectations" now itself.

    I am married for more than 7 years and I have lost count of how many saris and gifts I have got for my MIL. Almost everytime I have gone to visit them, I have got something or the other for her. Note that these are gifts I get for them apart from what my DH buys for them.While MIL insists on me buying "expensive" gifts for her mother, my SIL and her family, she rarely buys anything for me. It is not even that she doesnt have enough money to buy anything for me. She showers gifts on my SIL , her hubby and daughter. It is just that MIL doesnt feel the need to buy a gift for me.
     
    Last edited: Oct 12, 2009
  6. peartree

    peartree Platinum IL'ite

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    Post deleted
     
    Last edited: Oct 12, 2009
  7. asuitablegirl

    asuitablegirl Gold IL'ite

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    Lina,

    I just realized you are the same person who posted another thread about interfering inlaws... them asking for the engagement ring back, etc. With that evidence in mind, I would like to give additional insight to what I feel about your situation.

    I feel your inlaws don't like you. I think you might be sensing that too. SO with that in mind, you need to ask yourself if you are 'ok' with having hostile inlaws the rest of your life. Ideally, it should only matter what your husband is like, since HE is the one you are spending the rest of your life with. But as we all know, inlaws can really break the best of relationships, so it's best to have ones that respect your relationship with their son/daughter. You need to decide whether these small traditions matter to you, like exchanging sentimental gifts and all, because probably it won't be happening even after marriage. Some people might say expecting small gifts is petty... but actually, I think your issue is more than that. I think what you really expect is for everyone to get along and play nice. Reality is, that might not ever happen. Are you ok with that? Is your fiance the type of guy who will shield you from his parents, if need be? Tough questions, but I sincerely suggest you answer them before the wedding. Like another lady said on the other thread, it will save you a lot of heart burn later on.
     
  8. SriVidya75

    SriVidya75 Platinum IL'ite

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    I am still waiting for Lina to answer on what did her fiancee say when the FIL asked for the engagement ring back:hide:

    I dont get this at all..is it that whenever they want they would conduct an engagement./marriage and whenever they dont like the girl/whats happening they just snap out of it and break and dis integrate everything:bonk

    Lina You need a very strong loving supporting husband who can handle such fights..with his own parents...beleive me...as days pass by ..with these petty things...they become really annoying and bigger n bigger day by day...even teh husbands feel its good to let go (either of the situation or the wife itself) rather than fight with their own parents...
     
  9. priyanka12345

    priyanka12345 Silver IL'ite

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    Hi

    Stop expecting any good things from your in laws.

    Some people are just like that. In your case its only your parents giving to your fiancee. But from past year I have given gifts to my in laws as well as SIL on their birthday.

    But for my birthday they did not spend a single penny to bring a cake too.
    My DH brought me a gift and cake.

    Its not that my ILs dont have money and depend on us nor is that SIL is not working. But some people do not have that art of giving anything to DILs. They can give gifts to their relatives but not to ILs .

    So accept this fact and lead your life. As long as your fiance gives you gifts on special occassions it should be fine with you.
     
  10. feduptocore

    feduptocore Senior IL'ite

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    Dear Linu
    I just replied to your earlier post!!
    2 issues here
    1) if your parents want to give their future SNIL expensive gifts... does that classify them into "people who spend money for show"?... that their perogative... if you object to that then speak to them and tell them not to!!
    2) your In-laws gave you inexpensive gift... which you didn't like and & that classifies them as "stingy"
    Come on child... the gracious behavior lies in accepting the gift...EVEN if it is forcefully made to be given to you!!!
    WELCOME to the world of marriage... as all the ladies have advised earlier please don't expect to treated to goodies and you will have no disappointments...
    Also just for your info.. I'm married 15yrs and my MIL has NEVER wished for my birthday to date!!!.. do i care NO NO NO.....:biglaugh
    K
     

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