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Very Good In Laws Albeit Unclean

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by ThanjavurPonnu, Jan 21, 2020.

  1. ThanjavurPonnu

    ThanjavurPonnu New IL'ite

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    Haha. I'm working on plan B straight :D
    Plan B is how I remediate !
    Thank you for the kind words :)
     
  2. ThanjavurPonnu

    ThanjavurPonnu New IL'ite

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    Thank you for the straight honest words.
    You remind me of what my friend has guided me before marriage ' choose your battles wisely '.
    I was dejected that they keep returning. They are absolutely cool with it and have made peace with it. I've not reached there yet. But must add that this time I did not get as paranoid as I did the first time.
    Silence helped me accept and work on what I can do. I have accepted that this won't change but thought maybe I should ask the experienced and the wise on this forum :)

    At my mother's place all of us would work together for any festival. Since mine was slightly strict household we hadn't outsourced it to maids and even the men helped.
    They aren't into celebrating festivals because it's perhaps not very important. I was categorically told that. I've been in fact told by Fil that I shouldn't be doing all this. It's not required. I tried my best because I assumed that since DIL has come she could contribute and bring back the festive fevour. But festivals cannot be one person's job alone and DH has slowly begun to help one or two.
    Each person may have his or her idea of what one should do. Since I have a working mother she used to make me do household chores and I enjoy decluttering and taking care of house. It's my stress buster :)
    P.S. I can't stand unfolded clothes even at shops. I have this irresistible urge to fold their clothes as well :D


     
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  3. ThanjavurPonnu

    ThanjavurPonnu New IL'ite

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    They would itch me and that's why we got the guys at the first place. I don't know if they have come to my place yet but I want to cut off the source itself which means that I do a pest control there. But that plan failed. So plan B is I keep my house clean and in case they come I call pest guy the very next day.

     
  4. ThanjavurPonnu

    ThanjavurPonnu New IL'ite

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    Thank you :)
    But I can do what I want only in my house :)

    [Q"shyamala1234, post: 4172227, member: 178862"]Dear Thanjavurponnu,
    When something new is introduced first people rebel, then observe, then accept and finally follow. They would not want to go back. So....first they may not like your idea of pest control, decluttering etc. But once when they see the result they would not want to back to their old ideas. Who would not like a clean house??? Do not argue with them....just do what you want to do. Put a chart in every room about bad effects of bugs and cockroaches. Ultimately they would fall for it. A little patience is needed. Do not say you want to change them...including your DH. People do not like to be told. Ego comes in the way. Just do.
    Syamala[/QUOTE]
     
  5. SGBV

    SGBV IL Hall of Fame

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    Dont bother about the festivals for now. Excuse them for this because their past was so painful.
    My H's family doesn't celebrate any festivals either. He came from a dysfunctional family, and they were cut off from their relatives many years before.
    Hence, festivals means getting up from bed, taking head bath, going to temple (wearing new cloths if available), and eat some veg food at home. That's all.
    There will be nothing after lunch. No visitors, no visits, no crackers, no parties, nothing.
    Contrastingly, we plan the whole month, do shopping, pack gifts, make home made sweets, invite people over lunch or dinner on festival day, dress extravagantly, decorate the home and do a lot to clean and make it ready for the day, etc..etc... so, festivals means a big thing for us.

    I didn't blame them for it, because they were different.
    But I didn't give up my festival vibes for them either.

    We live separately, but like in your case very close to PILs. Nevertheless, I do my own planning, cleaning, shopping, cooking, inviting others, and going for visits, etc..etc... on festival days lavishly. In fact, now a days my BILs and others from H's side have started joining hands with me on such celebrations, and more often they are the guests whom I invite on festival days to celebrate with me. It is fun...

    You will get there soon. Don't worry now.
     
  6. 1Sandhya

    1Sandhya Platinum IL'ite

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    That’s good. But don’t get angry with them and don’t be fixated on just this one issue. This change will happen gradually, not overnight so be persistent. So If your request is met with a firm no, just drop the topic or change it. Don’t sulk and don’t stretch it to a fight. After few days bring it up again. Be persistent. And smile a lot. If topic comes up casually, In a conversational tone show where the cockroaches are running to hide in tables legs and tell see that’s why we need to throw it away. And then let them digest it. Once they understand or realize they themselves will help you. But you cannot force the pace. Ask your mom/dad to give suggestions on how to convince also-they have met them and may have good ideas.

    Be normal. Go and spend time wit them. Your great asset is the goodwill so don’t waste it. If you are worried about bb well your h is meeting them daily anyway so they will travel to your place sooner or later. Just decide to have regular fumigation every few months at your place since you have control there.

    Re: festivals, you will need to be sensitive about words used. ‘Not Important’ could be the words the motherless kids were told as explanation for why only their family wasn’t celebrating like other kids families no? Instead of questioning them you can emphasize what fun it is and describe one or two aspects. Do only so much as you can the first year. Do little but with enthusiasm and make sure to include all and enjoy it. Then following year they will automatically ask and help you.
    Somehow your situation reminds me of hema malini in ‘Satte pe satta’ where she has to handle her husband’s 7 brothers. Hope you succeed too!
     
    Last edited: Jan 24, 2020

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