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Very Disturbed.

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by kenny, Jun 11, 2019 at 12:32 PM.

  1. kenny

    kenny Bronze IL'ite

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    HI,
    I am quite an old member here and have been coming here time and again.The basic problem in my life is the same ad i think it will be till eternity.I have a controlling mil and a mommas boy husband.
    Now in the recent past 1 year ,my husband was transferred to a different city,i could not leave because i was having my own consultancy and because of my daughters school.Now my mil stays with us and my husband is living alone in a diff city.He comes may be every fortnight.My mil has some pain in the knees which she keeps complaining about to her dear son and wants all the sympathy from him.Whenever he is here,she wants him to spend all the time with him going to different doctors.They suggest a knee replacement.She doesnt move an inch since past 3-4 years and hence has spoiled her knees herself.On the other hands she would go to 4 kitty parties in a month,will go to all the malls where we go on weekends(that time her knees are fine).Its not that she cant move,she moves around ,she does everything possible but only takes sympathy from her son.Now since it was my daughters vacation going on so we decided we will go to him since he cant take leaves,sicne my daughter also misses her dad.My husb doesnt have any say infront og his mom.He said if Mummy is better then u all can come.2 days back he says that you should come over and we can plan a vacation somewhere etc...So i told my daughter about the same and she was also excited.The moment mymil came to know about this she got so angry and started to play games.She called her son up and started crying ,saying that she has too much pain.On the other hand just a day back she went to the mall with me fir 2 hrs she was roaming around.Now my husband calls me up and tells me that mummy is very disturbed ,she was crying because of pain.I was really angry deep inside because i knew the real reason behind the crying and all.I simply said that she walking easily in the mall..He got so wild on this...saying im so cold hearted and i think that his mom is doing drama...this and that....how would you feel if you are unwell and you are left alone for 10-15 days.He simply says hat it shows how cold blooded i am...
    I am so v much disturbed coz managing the home...taking care of house hold..the kids who is 6+,his moms medicines and other stuff...managing my work takes a toll on me...but instead of any time appreciating he always has negative feelings for me.I have a cook coming once a day and have someone who washes the dishes and mops the floors...So Mil can easily manage without us,sicne the cook can easily cook for her for all the meals and go.The basic problem is she cant see us together and alwy wants to create some differences or the other...
    I feel realy fed up of my life...The basic problem is not just this...the problem is that she kees manipulating him and feeding him over the phone and he keeps fighting with me almost every week...My health is going for a toss...i as a result am all the time irritated and it reflects on my behavior.
    My parents are abroad and i cant go to them because of my dear mil whom i cant leave alone...please help me...My husband doesnt want to accept the fact and he doest realise the problem.How do i tackle this at least so that i become sane..Coz i know these people will never change...
     
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  2. Sandyr46

    Sandyr46 Silver IL'ite

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    This is just a classic case of manipulation to gain confidence of ur hubby and keep him in wraps forever. And no way she'l let go as well. Now rather than complaining straight to him which will only cause more friction in ur relationship. Instead try reverse psychology. U said ur MIL enjoys at parties and malls. Take assistance of ur kids to make vidoes of her enjoying and walking with those needs she claims damaged. Let them make like a video collage stating 'fun with darling granma'. Then while hez watching state in an extreme happy tone 'see how happy mumma is' ohh luk there she is having fun at the kitty party'. Works like a charm. But u have to work ot out right. Not with ny frustration or hatred. There is always a solution to every problem.
     
    iman, soulful and hermitcrab like this.
  3. yellowmango

    yellowmango IL Hall of Fame

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    Ask the warm blooded son to take his mom with him and take care of her like a mom should be taken care of .
    Let them look after each other.

    Don't give up going to your parents place for this drama queen. Give it back to your husband and tell him your parents are getting old too and how would he like when he can't see his child when he is old.
    Call him a cold blooded man.

    Stop caring about this man who doesn't care about you kenny. If he doesn't want you to come to him...go to your parents place or take your kid and go for a vacation on your own.Tell him you are leaving and go.

    Don't sit at home with this shrew . If you do it this time...she will know she can get away with this every time .

    Go to your parents or some vacation near by and she will know next time she messes with your life, she will be left alone.


    Stop taking care of a woman who can't see you happiliy married. She is her children's responsibility not yours..specially when she comes in the way of your life with your husband .

    You have been married for donkeys years now. How long are you going to take this crap from this woman and her son ?Take a stand if you want things to change.
     
    shravs3, soulful, Anusha2917 and 4 others like this.
  4. senorita2019

    senorita2019 Gold IL'ite

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    Sorry for your situation. But realistically your Dh is not going to suddenly ditch his mom and whisk you away to a romantic destination. Your MIL is not going to bless the trip and give a happy send off.

    You can have an agreement with your DH that he takes his mom for a trip and then takes you and your kids for a trip so both enjoy quality time with him separately and happily. So that you and your MIL dont have miserable vacation and actually enjoy the trip. thats what I did with my ex husband but his family were not satisfied and ruined that also because they felt wife doesnt deserve quality couple time with husband, she should always be with inlaws and cater to their needs. Indian culture traps women and makes them an unpaid servant. Smart women will work out a plan and find happiness.

    You should also reduce your dependency on him and start going to trips with your kids or visit your parents and not make yourself miserable all the time thinking this.

    Tell your DH to take care of his mom for 2 weeks and you go visit your parents. Indian men who are momma's boys are always momma's boys. You need to work around that, they wont change at this age.
     
    Last edited: Jun 11, 2019 at 8:31 PM
    shravs3, Rihana, Amica and 1 other person like this.
  5. Anusha2917

    Anusha2917 Finest Post Winner

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    OP. I have seen my sister in law come and stay with us when her MIL had a knee replacement surgery.
    The second one came during open heart surgery of her FIL. I feel they do that on purpose to escape their duty towards their ILs. I personally haven't done that .
    So be smart and use your kids here and tell your husband you need a vacation with him and kids are yearning for that. . You need a break too. You are not a nurse duty bound to be with her 24/7 . If you have a cook and maid just convey to him for a few days she should manage with them . If he can't agree plan something with you and kids only. Shouldn't the kids be seeing other other grandma / grandpa . ?
    Just go and stay with your mom dad otherwise take vacation Leaving mommy and son !
     
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  6. Amica

    Amica IL Hall of Fame

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    @kenny, handling a manipulative, needy MIL can be frustrating. You've tried dealing with your DH and MIL directly and honestly and it hasn't worked. It may be time to fight fire with fire.

    Step 1: You already have a cook and cleaner so your MIL's basic needs are met. Gradually stop doing things for her yourself. Don't take her to parties or the mall. Be soft and sweet and say you plan to do a lot of walking and you're afraid her knees will hurt. If you get trapped into taking her with you, bring her and the kids to a park where you and the kids can run around. Do this consistently. Create a situation where her basic needs are met by cook/cleaner and you are providing no personal services at all.

    Step 2: Suggest that your MIL move in with her son — all he has to do is hire a cook and cleaner. Poor DH is living all alone and fending for himself when he could have her managing his home. And she would surely rather live with him than with you. If he declines, make him feel guilty for not wanting to spend time with his darling Mummy who raised him so lovingly. :innocent:

    Step 3: When she goes off to visit him, you and the kids are free to visit your parents. Don't forget to send postcards saying how much you miss her. :expressionless:
    .
     
  7. soulful

    soulful Platinum IL'ite

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    Perrrfeccttt!

    :fearscream::tearsofjoy::tearsofjoy::tearsofjoy:
     
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  8. Amulet

    Amulet Platinum IL'ite

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    I thought that @Amica is so sweetly wicked.
     
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  9. kenny

    kenny Bronze IL'ite

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    thank you all for your replies....We have not been speaking since then and he has just been sending demeaning messages to me saying...only in difficult times you know who is with you and stuff and that my attitude is v bad.I did not feel like replying to him....i was fed up....i simply had written that in 12 yrs you could not understand me then i cant change it....
    then at night i told him to cancel the tickets which were off this weekend for us to go to him.He said ok ...suddenly he calls my daughter and is asking her whether she wants to go to him or wants him to come to us.She obviously said she wants to go...and he said ok...now isn't this playing dual games...telling me that how will i feel if im left alone for 15 days when im unwell(that too on messages)...and telling my daughter the contrary..I feel like really shouting at him left ,right and center....but i want to really know how and what to do as my brain is not working...already im having high bp since few days.
     
  10. Socialbee

    Socialbee Silver IL'ite

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    It’s time to teach your husband a lesson!! Don’t go to his town for vacation.. instead take your kids to your parents place.. send his mom to his place or ask him to come and take care of her.. Sometimes it’s necessary to take care of ourselves too!! Good luck!
     
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