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Very broken- husband not standing by my side

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by mohnisha, Jun 7, 2015.

  1. mohnisha

    mohnisha Senior IL'ite

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    I feel very heart broken that am venting out here. my husband first of all is very caring n affectionate towards me. But not infront of his family. Eventhough he knows wat in-laws complaint against me is baseless still he keeps mum. Im the one who talks n gets bad name in his family circle.still i adjusted this behavior many times thinking i should not let this ruin our life, but each n every time i get hurt. Even wen dey talk bad abt my family, myself he never opens his mouth to defend me? Is it a sin to expect ur husband to stand by u, defend u? I ve seen many of my frens/ relatives -guys talking pridely abt their wives, recognizing the efforts dey put up to pull thru as a family. But after all i have done.. sayin that he loves me in our home makes me happy.. but when i need him to talk for me d most in front of his family.. he s der.. as a stranger.. like others.. tat too not everytime.. atleast wen im humiliated very badly, n my soulmate s watching me jus as a stranger do.. tat really hurts. Sorry for long post.. jus wanted to vent out. Thanks
     
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  2. sheztheone

    sheztheone Platinum IL'ite

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    OP, am not sure if you are looking for suggestions, but here goes.
    If he does not stand up for you, you stand up for yourself. Do not worry about getting a bad name. Someone has to face the situation. Since he is not standing up for you, feel free to take your own decisions about visiting ILs, calling them up and related actions expected of a DIL.

    Am not sure how long you have been married, but if you start to bear humiliation silently, it will become a routine. When someone from his family makes you feel uncomfortable, do what you would if your H were not there.

    Stop expecting and start fighting.
     
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  3. friendlyaqua

    friendlyaqua Bronze IL'ite

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    Mohnisha i agree with sheztheone, u stand up for yourself, if he doesnt stop you doing that then no problems in becoming bad, shouldnt matter to you. Inlaws can very rarely think good abt you even if you lay your life for them, so dont bother to make them happy. do ur duty but dont listen anything against your parents or siblings. Dont expect hubbies to support as they are also in a situation where on one side a relation of 35 yrs and on the other side your love, be happy by keeping lesser expectations
     
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  4. yellowmango

    yellowmango IL Hall of Fame

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    Op...have you told him how you feel ?
    If not....do so.
    If you have done so...but no response,then feel free to fight for yourself and reduce communication with in laws.Reduce visits ,reduce calls.If your husband can't protect you from his family....he should not expect you to be close to them.
     
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  5. Denni

    Denni Gold IL'ite

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    Dear OP,

    I have been married for 10 years and based on my experience, husbands don't side their wife against their family. It happens in rare cases where the husband actually has brain and know who's right and wrong and importantly has the guts to go against his parents!!!!. I was humiliated by MIL on many occasions and in front of my husband, he never voiced out or even supported me. It is expected of US, the DIL to obey and give in. I made the mistake for many years and I regret it till today.

    I stood up against my MIL's bullying nature and told her to get lost!. The bullying ended. You have to defend your own self, no one will.
     
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  6. AprilLisa

    AprilLisa Gold IL'ite

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    Dear OP,

    You have got wonderful suggestions from all experienced people. Do follow these suggestions and thank your stars that Your H is only keeping mum in this case and he is actually not supporting your ILs and fighting with you. Trust me, in many cases, not only the H does not support the wife, he even takes side with his parents and fights with his wife like a wolf, leaving the poor girl all alone in a jungle of insane lot!!

    So don't worry, stand up for yourself and it will be all fine.
     
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  7. KashmirFlower

    KashmirFlower IL Hall of Fame

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    U also act as strangers towards ur in-laws, and don't involve in any talks and avoid sitting together with them if u need to visit their house.
    sometimes with some people , keeping silence, like whatever u think about me or or my family , I don't care , attitude works. When u r not reacting there won't be arguments, exchanging harsh words in anger should be avoided , that is what I follow sometimes.
     
  8. Rihana

    Rihana Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    Sorry to read your vent, it is very saddening. Your sadness is justified. You don't have to qualify your vent with 'at least when I'm humiliated very badly'. If husband not defending you bothers you, that is a justifiable reason to be heartbroken.

    You need a way to put them in their place with minimal bad name. Try reacting but with a measured reaction. When they say something negative about your family or you, pause whatever you are doing, make eye contact, seem to give their statement actual consideration, and then shrug the shoulder, shake the head, and say 'I don't think so' or "Why do you say that?' 'Really, you think so?' Invite them to explain themselves. If you remain calm and speak slowly with pauses, that invitation will become a rope long enough for them to hang themselves with their own words.

    The delivery and actual words from you will depend on your mother-tongue and family culture, way of talking. You want to be 'respectful' but make the point.

    It is not a sin. But while yielding to the natural comparison with other couples, remember that in each marriage there is stuff outsiders don't know. Like the proverb goes, 'if we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else's, we'd grab ours back"

    Standing up for yourself and defending yourself will not lessen the disappointment and heartache of husband not standing up for you, but you will feel less helpless about your in-laws comments.
     
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  9. SGBV

    SGBV IL Hall of Fame

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    It is indeed a very sad state to be in. I can relate to your situation very well, as I have gone through the same a couple of years before as a new bride.

    As @Rihana rightly suggested, stand up for yourself. Be polite, but firm whenever you hear nasty comments about yourself or family members. Ask for the reason and show your disagreement with words and body language diplomatically. Don't over do to create a scene though.

    Also, speak to your husband about this. Show your disappointments and expectations clearly the next time he tells you the "i love you" in private.

    Be consistent.... Stand firm... and eventually you will stop expecting someone else to rescue.
    At the same time, your in laws will think twice before throwing mud at you the moment they realize the fact that you are no longer bending over backward.
    And finally your husband will also realize the most important fact of life that his loving wife is no longer depending on him or yearning to be loved in public. This will disappoint him; thus he will make efforts to get you back.

    It takes time... But the result will be always good.
     
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