Verbal abuse and problems in marriage

thinkpositive · Jul 10, 2009

Tridev, do NOT be rude to me. Is this the way to reply to somebody who is taking time out of her life to respond to the challenges in your life? You should know better than to write stuff like "did you read my OP and other posts fully to understand what I am doing, or what the issue is? " You are not doing me a favor by reading my atempts to help you,rather some people here are doing YOU a favor by trying to help you. Agree with Nandini, if you have behaved like this with your wife, only putting your view across, not being open to listen to others opinion, no wonder your personal life is in such a state today!Before shooting off your mouth do some personal introspection.

HJoshi · Jul 10, 2009

Hello,
I am a new ILite and was introduced to this forum by another ILite. I like IL site very much and it helps quite a lot. But this particular thread is very upsetting. I have some comments.

1. This thread is listed on the first page under most popular threads, hence automatically we tend to read it first. This thread is way different/strange and upsetting than other popular threads(art etc) from which atleast gain knowledge. How come this one has so many posts!!

2. I hope the moderator keeps an eye on this thread. I love and respect IL, and I hope we all maintain its image.

Tridev · Jul 10, 2009

Harshita,thanks for your response. Almost all the time I plan for my daughter, like putting her in dance class, taekwando , camps, etc, my wife never gave any opinion, even sending her to India was my plan for vacation and my wife opposing it ..

Regarding studies, no she does not devote time, because with the baby its not easy and also she blames my daughter that she does not listen when it comes to studies, so she leaves it that way...But we do talk about her grades and periodically keep talking to her teachers too(I go to school to talk) if need be..

My daughter is admanant and disobedient at times, and when that happens my wife would leave it that way..

I asked my wife can you let me know in last 2-3 years what you did for our daughter which can show some love and affection towards her exclusively by mother, other than making food she could not reply any...

There is a gulf between them and its too late I feel for them to develop good relations.....

My daughters relations with my son that is her brother are very good, both love each other a lot.. and play also ....though there is age difference....

Tridev · Jul 10, 2009

I would like to thank you all for taking time in responding to the thread, it helped me understand many things, many good advices and many things to learn and this forum has been a true therapist, with members pouring all the heart and experiences

I have liked this forum a lot.

Special thanks to the moderator Drpreethis for her time and making this place so much valuable...

Drpreethis · Jul 10, 2009

Tridev ,

I am glad you liked IL.. All the more glad that this community has helped ou analyse a lott of things yourself and read through the pages of your life.

Members who write responses do make an effort to go through the orignal post and the subsequent replies.. But your thread was too long and probably most of them as they flipped through pages found your answers a little too repetitive. They could ask you Qs.. why ? Do you think that is going to help them in their lives ? No. It is simply because they ' want to help you ' You call them ' asking you Qs ' as rude.. I call it ' curiosity ' !
When you get into a public forum and ask for sugestions.. it simply means your life is an open book for now ! People who want to answer you better may ask you few more details.. I somehow dont feel asking the reason for adoption is as same as asking why you married this guy ! I dont feel so, Tridev. Are you thinking, ' I dont care what you feel is right or wrong, Dr.Preethi ? what I think is what matters to me ' ? Then what is wrong when others feel the same too, Tridev ?? How can that be rude then ?

Your adoption , yes mutual one got another soul amidst you and your wife. She asked you to leave your daughter in a resident school which you didnt agree.. Fine. You were right. But respite showing out that your wife didnt like your daughter to be around you both, the adoption went ahead. Then it is your fault, or your wife's if she agreed first and then told you about the residency. Probably this was the missing link members wanted to know. They can ask you, just as you have the right to say no. But all you have to do is, tell no comments to that Q instead of writing a whole post and referring it to as a ' blame ' ! No, Tridev, no one blamed it till you actually used the word. Really. I myself didnt think too much on it though I found you hadnt answered when some one else had asked you earlier too.

I dont ask you to have the world's patience and repeat the whole story over and over again.. but consideration to those who bother to respond is something I am sure we can expect from a person like you. You have portrayed that you are a balanced and a wonderful human being. But then, in between you lost your cool isnt ? It happens. That is human nature. Maybe that is exactly what happened to your wife. Maybe right or wrong.

Everyone who reads through your thread knows well that she has some issues herself. She has just begun to correct them. Fine. We all agree she was wrong in many many episodes of life. Then what ? We leave her at that.. We sympathise, empathise and support you. We understand and give our best thoughts, we also ask you to move on with / minus her.

Over to you, you discussed and put out all your thoughts to us as if we were your own. Wonderful. That is the kind of feel every member gave you here. You answered every member the best way you could, drew a lott of points from few of them and also accepted many mistakes you did. Few were in frustration. But mistakes are mistakes isnt. Probably few members highlighted them... but the rest highlighted what your wife did too isnt ? Not that you werent aware of what she did and what you did.. Still it was a DISCUSSION.

But where are we stopping ? You are going towards, accepting yours and your wifes' mistakes, came out with all the bitter feelings and hurtful incidents that happened in your life, what made you face some of the worst days of your life, what you did to correct few and what happened when it failed. Now what ?

Every problem is called so ONLY because it has a solution. The solution could be favourable to self or maybe to the other person. Still, there IS a solution. What have you gathered from all the suggestions till now ?

There must be many things you didnt do and which IL gave you ..By saying IL I talk about the members.. What are those ? What are you plannin to do from now on with those what you gathered from IL ? What is feasible to you and what is not ? What are you planning to do now with your life and wife ? If you want to leave her or live with her is entirely upto you.. But DO SOMETHING. That is all. You dont have to answer anything I asked above.. I didnt put forth those, for answers. No.

But had you wound up the thread saying, -" Yes, I had problems and
so-so things happened. These are the things I see now happening which is changing my life for good/ bad and SO, this is what I intend to do. Thanks ! "

Then, members wouldnt constantly ask questions and still ' want ' to help you. Dont you think, Tridev ?

Each of us deserve to be happy in our own ways.. including you and your wife. So, see what best is happy for the both of you.. Living or Leaving ??

It is upto you, whatever you do... Do Best !!

Take good care, Tridev.

NewWoman · Jul 11, 2009

Tridev,
All I can say is that I empathise. I grew up in a household where my dad was verbally abusive all the time. He would throw things, shout and rage against my mom. As we grew up it would be against us too, esp me as I was the oldest one amongst 3 siblings. All this has left a bitterness in me and I do not have a good relationship with my dad. In fact for the longest time, I did not even want to get married as I assumed tht all marriages would be like my parents and preferred to be single. My 2 siblings do not want to get married either and hv a negative view of marriage. Thankfully, I am married to a wonderful man and have a baby who is almost a year old. My dh is very helpful and a soft spoken man. He is a perfectionist and expects things to be done a certain way. Sometimes when he says something about the way I treat my son, I get very defensive and assume that he is criticising my parenting style and get a little bit aggressive. But then we talk it out and I hv told my dh tht he can correct me on things that are important and big decisions that we need to take together. But the little things he has to let me use my own judgement and let me do things my way. My fil is a perfectionist and critical and I guess that rubbed off on my dh to sm extent. So both of us come with our own baggage. But we hv our own parenting style with our son and present a united front. We also keep each other in check. Sometimes when I feel that he is being too critical I give him a mock military salute and say yes sir, ok sir and then he realises that he is acting like a dictator. Also when I am arguing sometimes he uses a baby voice and tells me " can u use your inside voice please". These are silly things but it helps diffuse the tension and makes us laugh.
All I can say is that people's personalities are set in childhood and develop during teens and cannot be changed easily. Your concerns are valid and you are the best person to evaluate the situation. You need some long term solutions. There is no point in putting band aid on a wound that needs surgery. The problems in your marriage are going to take a toll on your children's life. You and your spouse will need long term counseling and it would be good to involve your daughter in some kind of family theraphy. It is going to take a lot of hard work and concious effort from both you and your wife to work this out. You also have to be aware that this marriage might not work inspite of best efforts and be ready for the outcome. A person can take a lot of stress outside but if there is no peace at home it very draining both physically and mentally. Take care and best wishes to both you and your wife.

Tridev · Jul 11, 2009

Newwoman, thanks for sharing your story, one of my close friend who knows some turmoil said the same about future that my daughter she would prefer to live single, seeing all this marital failures, her biological parents could not survive marriage(my brother) and when she sees discord in our home too, she would develop hatred towards institution of marriage,

Also I am worried for my son

Also as times are chaning marriages are getting more and more complex and difficult to sustain. I was talking to a friend of mine whose sister has filed for divorce after 2 years of marriage(arranged), she filed as her husband was verbally abusive to her and the marriage was bad, her brother who is my friend said its tough for her and she would never marry again , she is just 26 and in their family from long time or lets say first time someone is divorcing..also my friends marriage is not good, so he said his sister also sees that his brothers marriage is not good and gets more demotivated to think again of marriage.

I am staying positive for time being , I asked my wife lets give one or two months of time for relation building and see how things go , we are going down too fast off late and accumulation of past hurt is making things worst everytime there is new argument...

This is the worst part of marital dispute that you cannot let the past go away easily nor change things, its a mess which no matter what we try to do , seems to come back again......even if you try to let the past go the past may haunt in some way or other and with new issues its added stress to earlier ones which once were forgotten

Our relations have strained a lot. though we continue to live together with a hope things can change. But like you said personalities are hard to change, whether its me or my wife or someone else around...

Sometimes I feel it would be best to work somewhere else and not see family every day , that way the more you are away the less issues. I do believe seeing each other every day can be difficult, at least for most of the couples .. Some couples are lucky that even after 10 years of their marriage they wait to see each other at the end of the day...

thanks for sharing your story.

Tridev · Jul 11, 2009

Some people wanted to know the story behind adoption, here is the story, so that I am not misunderstood.

My brother was a alcoholic, a hard core alcoholic who had spoilt his life completely, he got married when he was not even earning anything, in one year he got a baby girl, his wife was not from good background, since he was a drunkard he got one of his kind..

His daughter was born in 1994 and since then my mother took care of her, since both her parents did not want her, brother being alcoholic he was hardly of any use, and his wife wanted to leave him and not take custody of her daughter. They used to fight like crazy...

From my daughters early childhood I and my mother was her caretaker and I Was always away for work or struggling to get settled, till I got married my daughter stayed with my mother till age 7-8, before marriage my wife knew all this , even when we had not talked of marrying, she knew I have this responsibility as I was discussing her school with her in pune to get some help, and I did tell her she is my responsibility..

For her nursery admission too I went and got her admission though I was not legally her father(, the admission office said how can we give her admission, I Said I have no way , else I will have to put her in a below average school or nursery, as her parents wont come for admission, they finally gave it as they knew me. I was running coaching classes and had some reputation then…..

Also when it came to giving montly expense none of her parents, gave money, not even 2000 rs a month to take care of expenses, sometimes they gave after lot of asking, my brother used to drink and drink and I used to earn 10000 Rs around 2001 I used to send 5000 rs to my mother for their expense (and told her dont beg for money from my brother for little ones expense , I will give) and used to run out of money by 25<SUP>th</SUP> and start borrowing money till month end(I was put to embarassment more than once for that too , somehow I managed) . As I could not manage with 5000 rs in hand in Pune for a month, and the money i used to borrow I used to return as soon as I used to get salary. My father had stopped supporting me after I got my first job in 2001, he also stopped supporting my mother and her expense and asked me to support, my father died last year till then I used to help him financially, I spend lot of money on my father and brother to have them lead a good life, but it failed……I got only resentment every time I tried to help them..

When we got married for 1-2 years we did not adopt as we our self were not settled and moving around, we used to keep discussing about adoption though and her family and herself said, if we can legally adopt then there is no issue , but not otherwise..I Said ok, the reason I Wanted to adopt was to secure the girl legally else her mom could claim her as minor anytime and since her background was not good, we worried that we took care of the baby and removed her from clutches of horror somehow(her parents) we in no way wanted to have the baby gone to her mom at a later day , because of that worry we discussed adoption with their parents, her mom initially reluctant to give the baby for adoption, but later agreed saying her future would be good in your hands and that is the reason I am ready

The day the adoption happened my brother was drunk, two people got him to sign the papers at the office. My daughter has seen nightmares as a baby, some which I cannot even describe, a horror no one should see in hands of a drunkard father….

She still has those memories. After adoption , my mother and daughter started living together with us as otherwise they were alone…. And problems started creeping in our marriage, sometimes related to them and sometimes otherwise….

I can say without prejudice my daughter when she was 7-8 she was a nice child, she was not rebellious or something, she was and to me still she is a good girl, she is very good at dance, art.

We initially put her in a small school in Hyderabad but then we moved her to DPS, she studied in DPS for 2 years and then we moved her to US as we were here and my wife did not want her to live alone there in India, though my wife said once that it would have been better to keep her in hostel but that was long ago and then the problems were not so much, but she too insisted at times that our daughter lives with us, since my daughter was brought up by my mother, she naturally would feel close to her

I cannot blame anyone in this, its how life has evolved, but I do hope if my wife would have given little bit of love and affection and compassion esp knowing she is adopted, otherwise it may look she is behaving badly, things would have been much different.

In past 2-3 years I have thought so many times to send my daughter to India in panic , but I also get thoughts I got her out of a bad time to give her good life, and how do I See her life ruining again.... those thoughts used to send me in depression too, as neither my wife used to understand how to have peace at home nor my daughter as she never developed that relation with her.

I have tried putting as much I could and try to clarify any more questions if people have.....

sonamkumar · Jul 11, 2009

It is really sad to hear your story and I hope things work out for you.

Drpreethis · Jul 11, 2009

Tridev ,

See, i told you , we knew you were a balanced thinker ! You quickly realised that none of us thought of the adoption as a blame. All that every member wanted here was a little more clarity so that they dont give
' wrong suggestions ' and feel they wasted theirs and your time. Simple.

Let us leave behind all those mishaps you and your daughter had to face before your marriage. We emapthise with that little one. As you said, it is how life evolved.. for no fault of hers. You wife has some mind issues which everyone here are aware of.

But all that the members are wondering is " Now what " ?

Do you still have any patience left in you to ' make ' things work ?
If yes, what is your limit of patience ? How long ?
Do you feel your wife will change for good and try to understand that she was sane enough when she accepted that troubled kiddo and now she cannot behave funny ?
Do you feel in due time, if your wife changes for good your daughter will
' understand ' her too ?
Do you think, your wife can live without you ?
If she can, then there needs no further discussion I suppose. you both maybe better off without each other and so would be your kids.
But if she cannot live without you, sit her down one last time and jot the things you want her to change about yourself and promise her you will be supportive too.
Can you go ahead without her ? Keeping behind all the horrible things that happened between you both all these years ?
Can you put them behind ? ( No one would blame you, if you cannot, Tridev. It all depends on ones' threshold ! )
If she genuinely wants the marriage to work, she needs to give in as much as you do. Are both you ready to give in and take in a little for the sake of each other ?
If she again jumps off the roof, then time to move forward atleast not putting yours, your wife's, your kids' life in jeorpardy !

Just ask these Qs to ourself and find answers to them.

So, if you dont see light at the end of the tunnel, you better not go uptil there. This is my opinion. But how feasible it is to you and your life, is upto you to decide. I can only ' imagine ' being in your shoes and give you my suggestion like any other member. Simply, my way of saying - If I were you, I would have done this. And I dont think applying - Easier said than done applies here . Then there wouldnt be any existence of something called suggestions and support !

Take care, Tridev.