1. How to Build Positivity in Married Life? : Click Here
    Dismiss Notice
  2. If someone taught you via skype, what would you want to learn? Tell us here!
    Dismiss Notice

Verbal abuse and problems in marriage

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by Tridev, Jul 3, 2009.

  1. Tridev

    Tridev Silver IL'ite

    Messages:
    1,284
    Likes Received:
    28
    Trophy Points:
    83
    Gender:
    Male
    DRJP , your messages gives hope, yes you are right my daughter can talk to me and at times I Get surprised by her way of talking, thank God , she is there for me at least and I know I would never lose her, there is a saying "Son is son till wife arrives, and daughter is daughter for life"

    My son too loves me a lot, he is crazy for me, never leaves me once I am at home, when I was staying in hotel and leaving the home, after my wife said me to leave and abused by shouting , screaming, and all. I had a bag in my hand, he took it and threw it and said dont go anywhere

    I am planning to go to beach next sunday in MD and also following sunday to Cape May in NJ, I am eagerly waiting some break and happy time my self, a time where there is only peace and happiness.

    Thanks for your thougts.
     
    Last edited: Jul 9, 2009
  2. sonamkumar

    sonamkumar Senior IL'ite

    Messages:
    129
    Likes Received:
    4
    Trophy Points:
    18
    Gender:
    Female
    Tridev, an English movie "Fireproof" tied to book Lovedare is a very beautiful movie and a good source of marriage inspiration.
    Personally, it has benefited me in some of my rough times in marriage and is a must see for anyone with the troubled marriage. Please try to watch it. Maybe you will like it.
     
  3. drjp

    drjp Senior IL'ite

    Messages:
    406
    Likes Received:
    10
    Trophy Points:
    23
    Gender:
    Female
    One more thing,
    as Kavya very aptly suggested leave your past thoughts too.
    I understand it is difficult but until you leave the "victimhood" you cannot move on in the right direction.

    A practical tip: everytime past comes back remind yourself "do I want to move forward or back into past".
    Take care, good luck and to quote


    "Victimhood is easily the most destructive of the nonpharmaceutical narcotics; it is addictive, gives momentary pleasure and separates the victim from reality.
    ~ John W. Gardner"
     
    Last edited: Jul 9, 2009
  4. Sunshine123

    Sunshine123 New IL'ite

    Messages:
    175
    Likes Received:
    3
    Trophy Points:
    0
    Gender:
    Female
    Tridev

    Good to hear about your planned weekend outings.......I am confident that they will give you the much needed break. I fully agree with Kavya that you will only be causing yourself and the people around you more damage by going over the negativities in your life over and over again. These negative thoughts will drain you emotionally and will push you into a depression. Remember that you staying sane amidst this madness around you, is very important for your daughter and son.

    If you think its possible, i would suggest you do the below:

    1. List down all the options that you want to try out to make your marriage work.........(you might actually need to do this with a pen and paper), in the order that you want to try them
    2. Write down a realistic time frame that you want to try them for
    3. Periodically keep writing down the progress that you are making .....would help you stay on track, and to make any changes if required.
    4. Last but not the least, ensure that for each option you give your 100%. When you embark on this exercise, commit to yourself that you are doing it to make your life happy and to have a loving family around you. NEver lose sight of the goal.......there could be times when you would just want to give it all up......but hang in there and give it your best shot.

    This excersise will also give you the satisfaction that you are not just being passive about your problem, but have actually taken proactive steps to make things better.

    Also you are giving yourself a time frame that you want to try to make things work........i dont believe in waiting all our life's in hope that things will get better!!

    By the end of this exercise.......I am sure that things will turn around...but if they dont you atleast have the satisfaction for giving it your best shot and have no regrets!! Then it would be best to separate.......and start your life fresh......I strongly believe that life is too short to spend in negativity, and without love and affection..........all of us have a right to happiness and if this marriage cannot provide us with that.....its best to move on with life!!......

    Cheers and all the best!!
     
  5. AnishaR

    AnishaR Senior IL'ite

    Messages:
    156
    Likes Received:
    10
    Trophy Points:
    23
    Gender:
    Female
    Dear Tridev,

    It's very sad to know what you’re going through. A few years ago, I worked as an assistant with a counselor and I have seen one such very similar case.

    I always believe that A woman is either the backbone or the destruction of a family. Well for many destruction is in the form of their MIL for some it's DIL but in your case it seems to be your wife.

    I have to tell you that out of my counseling experience that only if two hands come together we can even clap and if only both are cooperative we can even try to reconciliate. My two cents to you is Please note all the pros and cons of your relationship and then take a break, give it a little more time before you make a decision.

    My sincere prayers to you and your two lovely kids.


    Regards,
    Anisha
     
  6. Tridev

    Tridev Silver IL'ite

    Messages:
    1,284
    Likes Received:
    28
    Trophy Points:
    83
    Gender:
    Male
    Thanks Sonam, have added it to my netflix queue, will watch it and give you my feedback, I also got another inspiring movie from library today titled "Love for Sale: Suely in the Sky" (Its a Brazlian movie I guess)

    Its about a woman who goes back to Brazil with her son as her husband abondons her, that is a story of a woman who has to fight with life.... I hope its good..and encouraging,

    I have not yet watched it, may be my opinion would change once I watch on the above movie..

    Thanks for sharing this movie...will let you know my feedback.

     
    Last edited: Jul 9, 2009
  7. Tridev

    Tridev Silver IL'ite

    Messages:
    1,284
    Likes Received:
    28
    Trophy Points:
    83
    Gender:
    Male
    Anisha, thanks for your words of inspiration. I too believe a woman is behind making or breaking of a family, not always but to great extent. its like this, I read in other thread that a well educated lady who is married, when her husband says I dont want to live with you , she says we will try to work out our problems in return, though she can choose to say ok,

    In my case whenever I say that in frustration of the situation, my wife says ok and rathers goes out of the home and show as if I am wanting to seperate, the fact being I not able to live in such situation forever, instead of asking and doing things which can be constructive, if wives start running and saying tit for tat, then where would a family go...

    I may not be right in saying in frustation , but if I get a calm reply a reply of comfort, I will definitely feel better, but that never happens, it always looks as if my wife tries to tell me its my way else its high way..

    I will try to become as much normal I can , as sunshine rightly suggested and gave a valuable advice on what to do in terms of efforts..


     
    Last edited by a moderator: Jul 10, 2009
  8. Tridev

    Tridev Silver IL'ite

    Messages:
    1,284
    Likes Received:
    28
    Trophy Points:
    83
    Gender:
    Male
    The saying is really good, nice to know.

    Victimhood is easily the most destructive of the nonpharmaceutical narcotics; it is addictive, gives momentary pleasure and separates the victim from reality.
    ~ John W. Gardner"

     
    Last edited: Jul 9, 2009
  9. Ria2006

    Ria2006 Silver IL'ite

    Messages:
    792
    Likes Received:
    52
    Trophy Points:
    83
    Gender:
    Female
    I must say .. so loooooooong thread.. and still I dont understand the whole story..

    So many people are trying to genuinely help you. But it seems you are giving story in bits and pieces. First the very basic and essential question..

    -- Why did you adopt the daughter?

    Tell the story from beginning unbiasedly. Not as what you see from where you are right now.. It will not help people see real issue.

    Ria
     
  10. NandiniGG

    NandiniGG Silver IL'ite

    Messages:
    251
    Likes Received:
    65
    Trophy Points:
    68
    Gender:
    Female
    In every reply of yours you are saying the same thing again and again and again...how she is wrong..what wrongs she did in the past...or what she should have done.
    You have to come out of it if and see the problem from the top.
    Another thing....why don't you teach her a lesson...When next time she screams for no reason or ask you to leave...then leave for some days and take your children with you.
    All of you give her a silent treatement.
    Just 1 question...you said my mother said this and said that.....did you have an open heart discussion with her directly without anyone around.Did you ask her calmly why she is doing that...if she have any problems?
     

Share This Page