Verbal abuse and problems in marriage

Hi Tridev,

By going over and over again all the incidents of "abuse" you will be reinforcing your negativity towards her. Dwelling over her negativity will increase your negativity and this is what perpetuates the cycle. This is not going to solve your problem. You need to detach yourself here and try to take a step in the right direction. Believe me I know this is easier said then done. I am speaking from personal experience. You can read my previous posts on IL.

How is your wife with your own biological son? Is there a seaside difference in her attitude towards your adopted daughter and your biological son. You mentioned that she slapped your son just because of the pee accident. Was it because she was very stressed? After she hits or scolds your son badly does she regret it and tries to make up by hugging and kissing. Lots of mothers do that. We all do occasionally lose control and spank our children. Toddlers can really push our limits.

Probably your wife is feeling very resentful because both you and your mother constantly criticize her parenting style towards your daughter. Have you appreciated her for any of the positive acts of kindness she has shown? Maybe she feels that she is being pushed to a corner. I think you should not drag your mom into your family issues. It would make the spouse insecure and insecurity will cause a lot of irrational behavior. Your negativity might be getting reinforced by your mothers opinions.

If your wife realizes her mistakes and is willing to change try some of the steps I listed out. What really motivated my husband and I was the fact that we wanted to give our son a loving and nurturing home. As I mentioned in my earlier post I can remember the fights that my parents had when I was as young as 4 years old. My husband and I have really benefited from our spiritual practices. Its not a silver bullet but a step in the process. The practices will gradually help you improve your faculty of awareness and you will be able to catch your negativity before it overwhelms you rather then being caught up by it. Even if your wife is not willing to participate in such activities I would suggest you individually try to get help just to save your sanity. Take up the Art of Living course or try to go for individual counseling sessions etc.

If you wife is not ready to take any steps to change then its better you separate. I know its a really hard decision with kids involved. Don't let the negativity get the better of you. Don't give anybody the power to take away your smile. Good luck.

Thanks,
Kavya.

 

All said and done she agreed. So she should rise up to the responsibility. She should not have compromised and made the decision. The OP also mentioned that she slapped her son just because he had a pee accident. I am sorry Sonam but there is absolutely no excuse for such behavior.

Kavya

 

Tridev,

You are again and again replaying the negative incidents in the past. This is only going to make you feel worse. I know its really hard to forget such incidents. But shake up and wake up. Lets evaluate your options and try to solve the problem.

After spanking your son for silly reasons does she regret it immediately. I have also lost my cool with my toddler sometimes. But if I treat him badly for a frivolous reason I feel very bad and immediately try to hug and kiss him. Most mothers are like that and toddlers are really hard. How does your wife behave after such a situation occurs.

Does your wife recognize her problem and is she willing to make changes in her life? Have you ruled out any medical issues? My husband was emotionally unstable when his thyroid condition was not in check. When I was crying in pain after my delivery he told me "not to torture him constantly by crying all the time". He does not have the patience and tenacity to deal with such situations and his thyroid condition just worsened the situation. If your wife is not willing to make changes you need to prepare yourself. Your negativity is causing you to focus only on her faults. Don't get caught up in her negativity.

In anger I have also threatened my husband with custody. But in all honesty I don't want my son to lose his fathers love. Like Visu said don't take to heart all the words said in anger. Again easier said then done Stop brooding Tridev. Lets move forward and solve the problem.

Kavya

 

Sorry to read about your situation..I think the main problem with your wife is that she is frustrated remaining at home..I think you can try sending her for some job..even a part time one would be great..Once she leaves the home atmosphere for a short time..she will have time to think what she is doing..Also it will help her to develop some friends outside...

Another thing is you can send your daughter to India for a short while...As for the smaller kid..dont fear that she would do something horrible with him..Being a mother I know we cannot hurt our little ones...even if we scold them..

Hope my suggestions will help..

 

hi tridev,

you are really great:bowdown. The ways you are trying alot to make your marriage work is superb. Hope you will get the true and lovely flowers from it.

My co-sister used to do the same thing. This is beacuse of frustation on her husband.When ever she gets angry on her husband, she beats her son. But she never tell her husband , this is the problem. The people watching them will be upset.

only suggestion I can give you is, as you are in US, find a baby sitter for 3-4 hours, and keep your kids with them everyday after your office and just have a walk with her or ride with her all alone(just you both).
By trying to spend some hours with her alone might bring some change(caution:- any discussion that will create hot argument, better maintain silence or divert the topic).
Usually women like window shopping, may be take her to shopping (just you and your wife).

 

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May be it's her personality.In my house,I feel few things are nothing and don't even have to worry,but for my DH they are end of the life.So it's just a personality.May be for her peeing is a very big thing and she can't accept it.I know hurting children like that is wrong.Do you think sending her parenting classes would help?(she should agree for it though).

In my house,if the curd (yogurt) gets over my DH does big mess and he also say you are not giving importance to my words (which are allways keep curd in house)all the bla bla and for me it's nothing.

 

Tridev,
Wow, I admire your endurance and patience. Just the fact that you are spending so much time and energy to find the right solution, with all the negativity around you speaks a lot about your determination.

I have a small suggestion:
YOU NEED A BREAK.
Take a break just you and your kids for a few days, it can be a weekend. It is very easy to find excuses not to do it, but from your responses I feel that you and your kids will benefit greatly from a break.

As I see, your wife is stealing the show and draining your energy. Assuming your not super man (take it easy ok ), your kids are probably missing out on time with you. Your daughter is at an age she can discuss the issue with you and may even come up with solutions (you will be amazed how smart and pragmatic these kids can be). After all it is her problem too, don't you think you should help for first? I am sure you discussed this with your daughter, all I am trying to say is: you will have time consider issues with out the commotion around you by staying away for few days.

Oh BTW, leave the electronics including phone at home !! (because they are part of the problem too )

Good luck