Verbal abuse and problems in marriage

Peartree, I did not adopt the daughter before marriage, after marriage I And my wife spent lot of time discussion about that adoption and finally we adopted, my wife kept saying we can take care of the child if we can adopt her legally, and that is what we finally did, it was mutual decision, yes since my mother had raised her for some time and my mother being part of my life added stress of its own, but that does not mean that my wife behaved properly either... its a difficult situation for everyone like I said earlier

Also we never mention adopted daughter outside or anything , we are aware of that , but anyways thanks for mentioning your concern, I had to mention here so that members know the reality of where the problem is coming... otherwise its not easy to understand..

 

Visu, Ok lets for argument sake assume a person in anger says thigns that one does not mean or to hurt somone, like the divorce e.g you gave.

But that is what is abuse all about, we can forget such things assuming it were said in bout of anger or frustration, but if such things continue it can hampers someone internally, even though we say things that we dont mean, they somehow tend to look real and a person who hears that can take it more seriously that the abuser realises. This abuse is something we have to guard against... and not ignore in long run. Because kids can get affected too who just listen that mom is abusing father, or father is doing that to mom , they may develop a image that can be hard to change, though everything is said in anger... and has no meaning or is not truly intended or meant....

I remember watching Shakti, in that movie Dilip Kumar who is a police officer says words against his son who was kidnapped by gangster, when the ganster asks to release his fellow men and in turn they would release his son, he says " Mar dalo use" (Kill him) , but I will not release the criminal and my duty is utmost imp to me.. Those words may be said in anger or he may have not meant, but Amitabh when he listens it develops lot of hatred for his father, this despite the fact his father does everything to get him back.....

This is just a e.g , what I mean is verbal abuse cannot be taken lightly feeling it is said in anger and not meant, abuse has to stop, if I am abusing my wife, children verbally I have to stop, if I am doing it to someone else it has to stop, or if someone else is doing to us, it has to stop.

I am very serious about verbal abuse now than earlier, its a nonsense we cannot live with all the life....

We cannot hear and in return say things that will hurt others and ourself too when we realise we said all that.

However I got what you intended saying to me, that was very matured way of thinking from you, thanks for that.

 

Kavya, I hear you too, from your last post where you said "Children are very vulnerable and they need a lot of tender love and care"

This is exactly we expecting from my wife, that never happened, we never saw her holding our daughter, or even hugging her even when she was 8 years old, or making compassionate gestures. Because of that there was always a tussle at home, because of her aggressive behavior , like I said these are some of the e.g again

1. I was in US, my mother, daughter and Wife in India, at that time we had no baby, we had three bedroom apartment, daughter was used to sleeping with my mom and two rooms had AC but the room where my wife wanted my daughter to sleep did not have ac, that is her bedroom, my wife was very strict, no you cannot sleep in grandma room, she is hardly concerned that it is a mutual decision we should take, this being the fact in summer it was so hot in Hyderabad, and she and my mother sleepign in ac room and daughter in non ac, and on top of that my daughter could never sleep in night, she used to stand on door of the room and keep looking in darkness, this my mother used to tell me and when she did that, my wife felt she is actually acting as a catalyst, fact being my mother concerned why she is doing that.

2. When she is eating food, my wife is objecting on her style of eating and scolding her , but not saying words of compassion

3. she was studying on her bed with a clock kept, my wife went to her room and scolded her why you have kept the clock here, she said just to see time and all, my wife picked the clock and in middle my mother also was there, she threw the clock and it broke and it went and hurt my daughter on her head..

4. My mother also told me that she takes her in her room and beats her, I cannot blame my mother for that, just cannot, because if abuse is hidden, that too is abuse...

These are jsut some e.g , my wife has lot of issues , anger being one, bittnerness being other, she is bitter person(sometimes less sometimes more). I hate to say this, but if we would have seen some love and affection in her tone, way of dealing we would never have objected to her scolding.

My wife knew we have to take care of the child, in fact I feel its a blessing. But still she made no effort, she acted like a spoilt kid who is just acting on his or her emotions/style all the time,

 

Priya well said, yes I am not discounting the fact that the 8 year old who was brought up by my mother had to be adopted and my wife had to act like a mother, she was not prepared for, you are right, it can happen with natural parents too, in fact my son also gives hard time and if you read this thread I did mention we started argument related to my son, when she abuses verbally or hits him, so its a matter of time, once he grows she may be same with him too, if he would not listen she would do things that can look bad, I feel parents who are very strict, can have too strained relations with kids , there has to be balance, scold them, but show compassion too and love and affection

I Tried talking to my mother today to see if its possible to have my daughter study in India , near mumbai, she said people are suggestion she better complete her 10th grade in US and come, else it will be difficult for her to learn language, and manage maths and other subjects which students have solid base in India.... I dont disagree and also it would be too harsh on the child to make her go through all that stress to complete school for which she is not prepared...I also am worried for my mother, she is alone and getting old, how would I take care of her if my wife and mother and daughter not getting along well.

 

Priya, I read your last post, but some people are assuming I will seperate and marry again and then that person will have hard time with my daughter too, that I have never thought, I have never thought to marry again and there wont be any more question of adjustment for my daughter with someone else and she wont call someone else as mummy for sure, I cannot make her to go through this hell all the time, if my marriage works then its good, if not then that is the end of marriage. We cannot reinvent the wheel all the time.

Other than that, your suggestion of putting in class and all is good, one reason I sent her to India was to keep her away ...for some time until shcool starts....

Overall your post gives good advice, thanks for that, appreciate it.