Venting

I feel that my parents (especially my mother) have taken me for granted and I have been handed the short end of the stick way too many times. My father knows and acknowledges what my mother is doing to me is wrong, but he does not speak up. My mother holds sway.

I am the elder one and my brother is 5 years younger. I was always meant to take responsibility, whether it was for home, my brother, my parents or financial issues. I always sacrificed, always keeping my mouth shut, never asking for anything because I knew my family situation. The moment I asked for something, which was very rare, I was immediately given the "lack of money" song. Most times, it would be my favourite "It -is-your-duty-you-have-not-done-anything-great" song. I am, scratch that - I was, the kind that believes parents can do no wrong. Whatever they say is right. So when she gave me nuggets of "wisdom" about responsibility and sacrifice, I took it to heart. I waited for her validation. It never came. This is just the tip of the iceberg. Even now, it is the same. Never will she call to find out how I am, not even when she knows I have been sick. It is always my duty.

After my brother got married, I saw how she treated her DIL! It is like SHE is my mother's real daughter. MY SIL never calls her, she does. She is always praising her although she barely knows her. (Newly married). Defends her behaviour, no matter what. She is like her mother. No! She IS her mother! Do not think, for a second, that I want my SIL to be treated bad. NOPE. That is not my intention here. (I have been at the receiving end as a DIL too. So I would never wish that on my SIL) I just feel cheated. Where was this mother when I was growing up? Where is she now? Again, I wish my father had spoken up and asked her to be a mom. But he didn't either. what can I say? Nothing. I am that person, who cannot verbalise my feelings very well. I know it will be a mess, if I open my mouth. And to what end? My mother is never going to accept that my feelings are valid. That will leave me frustrated even more. So I keep quiet. I literally feel a physical pain -a knot - in my chest these days, from all of these things that go on in my head, I am patiently waiting for these feelings to sort themselves out, which I am sure they will, eventually. Until then, I need to keep quiet. At that point in time, I will be free. I will definitely do what my duty is towards my parents. But I will not be emotionally vested.

Thanks for listening to my rant. I needed a place to put down my thoughts, so did it here. If you made it till the end, I appreciate your patience. Thank you every one.

 

Wow, Thank you everyone! I never thought I will get so many posts.

@ranirm It is ok to be held responsible, I don't mind that. You are right that she may be fearful of repercussions so she treats her DIL with kid gloves. But I feel bad that I am taken for granted. Not just now, it has been like that forever. Not only there is no acknowledgement, I am consistently put down. At times, blamed for things for which I am not the cause. I did try talking to her, but she just dismissed it as jealousy. And said I need to work on my jealousy, and she is not in the wrong. Well, what can I say?

@avantik Hugs to you. I have been told the same. I am working on it, and this thread was part of that effort. I needed to verbalise it, I needed to hear my feelings out aloud so I could feel lighter. But I could not talk with anyone, including my husband for fear of influencing him negatively about my parents. So I decided to put it in writing where noone judges me. I suggest you do the same. Believe me it is a relief to see your feelings in writing and acknowledging them. Whatever happens, do not let it affect your marriage. You need at least one rock solid relationship. Good Luck and loads of hugs

@Caide You are right. I should let time teach my mother. But it is not the past. She is like that even now. In fact, I was in denial until my brother got married. I justified her actions and told myself that she is mother, she cannot be doing what I think she is doing. It is my imagination, just like my mother told me it was. I have to let go. I Know. I am trying. Thank you for your kind words.

@beautifullife30 You are right, Only I can help myself. If it was someone else, I guess I would not have cared a bit. It just gets harder because they are my own parents who don't value me nor do they care about what I am going through. I am working on limiting my expectations from them, eventually, hopefully eliminating them. God's grace, I will overcome this too.

@sslkgpaa Thank you for that great post. You have a great sister. But you are short changing your self. You acknowledged her. That makes you a very good person too. And you are already becoming like her. I agree, giver is much better than taker. And I would continue doing my duty. I will just take my emotions out of it. I do not and have never considered myself superior to them. It would just be nice, if my parents could show some compassion for me. A bit of compassion. I don't know if that is too much to ask.

Thank you everyone.