Venting Out...wrong Parenting(?) / Irresponsible Son(?) / Fate(?)

Dear lovely ladies,

So, I am back again with another part of worries, I am writing this as a vent out. I have already created a thread regarding my "irresponsible brother and hurting comments from my relatives". I was concerned about my relatives hurting comments and your valuable comments helped me a lot to come out of that worry.

But with this post is regarding my brother, father and my struggle with them (In fact, I have decided to not to involve in their issues anymore especially stopped talking to my brother) I am just concerned about my father’s safety here.

I explain our situation in brief (though I would have already explained in my previous thread):

Got married in 2011, I live in abroad with my family (husband, 4yr old son and pregnant with the second one).
- I have lost my mother for cancer 6 years before. My father (67 yrs) is retired and living with his pension money and money from rented house in India. (We have no money related issues). My brother (33 yrs) is also living with my father.

About my father:

• My father is kind a typical Indian father, not very close to us but a very broadminded person giving us full freedom to choose our own life. He believes that children are responsible to choose their own way of life and parents can only support them by providing food and education (but he is also providing more money to his son).
  
  
• He was kinda controlled and normal family man while my mother was alive and just after her death he got retirement. To get diverted he spends more time with his friends and politics(he got politician friends)
  
  A negative side of my father:
  

1. He fell into an affair with a lady three years before. I was informed about this by my trusted friend/neighbor. (I was shocked! fought with my father and warned him to stop it immediately)
   
   
2. Not being very close to us. (I am used to it coz like most of the families, I am close to my mother)
   

Though, I am still vexed about his affair, I was somehow convinced that he has done this only after my moms death and moreover he have assured me that he will not leave us unsecured and he is not continuing that affair(but still I don't trust this completely).

About my brother:

1.He has completed a diploma in 2011(around age of 25) and since then he have not shown any motivation to go for a job and also never gone for any job. No help from him at home also. His daily activty since then is: 1: sleep till 1PM, 2. passing time on net, watching TV/music, 3. going out to meet his friends for few hours and come home by 10PM.

2.He always had problem with his studies. So my father pushed him to get a diploma abroad by paying him around 50lakhs.

3.He have been just kept on dragging the time saying he will go for a job soon or start a business, etc. But so far we have not seen him gone out of home for a whole day for any job. He is living on my father’s money since his childhood.

4. Three years before he also came to know about my father’s affair.

I have never shared about my father’s affair to anybody so far (including my husband), coz I thought it’s unnecessary to create a mess while my father is not disturbing any of us because of that.

As always, we keep asking my brother about his future plans. But since the time he came to know about my dad's affair, he has started to use my father’s affair as a blackmail that he will expose it to everyone and he will make it a big issue.

I struggled a lot to make him understand that it’s not a big issue. In spite of making it a big issue, he should start to care for his own future and go for a job or do some activities (at least involve in a sport).

The problem:
We are tired of asking him to go for a job for all these years. At one point, my father decided to give him money till he is alive and he accepts this if he this is his choice of life also he has been giving him Rs.20000 for the past 2 years. But for the past few months, he is becoming more aggressive and doing the below things (more alarming/worrying):

1. He is beating my father if he has not done what he is demanding at home.

2. Pouring oil and throwing out things from my father’s wardrobe.

3. Breaking the washing machine, toilet flush tank (reason my father delayed buying a new washing machine (he wanted a big washing machine) and to repair toilet flush).

4. Fighting with my father to repaint the house for no reason, buy a full oven set in kitchen (costs 50000), build a new wardrobe in another which is again unnecessary, etc.

5. Swearing at me and my father if we ask him why he is showing this kind of attitude to us.

Because his aggressive behavior is getting worse, I thought that I should tell my husband about all this fights between my father and brother and also my father affair. So I told my husband only few months before.

Now my brother is making a big mess by exposing about my father’s affair to everyone and arguing with us that he will not go for any job because my father has done a big mistake and he does not deserve to ask him to go for a job/get any help from him. So he is very adamant that he will stay in that house with my father, he will not do any help at home and he will keep torturing my father like this throughout his life. Demanding Rs.20000 per month as pocket money. He is blaming that my father is very irresponsible and he needs to be punished like this!

He is also not willing to come for counselling. We don’t know what to do with him? My father is ready to give him the money but he cannot bear his aggressive behavior. He has started to beat him often and I am afraid of this behavior. I am just freaking out whenever I receive a phone call from India. He demands to buy expensive stuffs at home unnecessarily and if my father refuses then he is beating him.

My suggestions to my father (It’s up to him to decide later:

1. Negotiate with him in the presence of a trusted relative, that he will give Rs.20000 per month but get out of the house.
or
2. Go legally to get him out of the house (Because as long as they both live at the same house this fight is going to be a never ending)

I told him that I am not going to involve in this issue here after. I can only give him a moral support whenever he need and look after him as a daughter when he is sick. Because I am very much fed up with both of them fighting. I am totally helpless both of them are not listening to me and moreover, I am tired of my brother's insults saying that I have no rights now to interfere with him and my father. Now he has started to insult my husband as well unnecessarily and I don’t want my family to be disturbed because of his irresponsible attitude.

He is also not willing to go for counselling. All he need is money and whatever he demands at home should be done without any delay and refusal.

I also have to admit the fault that my father has shown him the love through money, which is now putting all of us in a big trouble.

My brother has become an example of how a child can get spoilt by free money. At the same time, I wonder how he has chosen to live on father’s money. I have also brought up by the same parents but I not developed such thoughts and I want to live on my own always.

So cannot totally agree on the saying in tamil ‘nallavar aavadhum theeyavar aavadhum annaiyin valarpiniley’ – Maybe this is applicable only till the teen age?

Thanks for your comments, ladies! Though its a vent out your comments will soothe my agony on how our family is going through such hard time because of wrong parenting(?) / irresponsible son(?) / fate(?) I don't know!

Loving,

 

Thank you all immensely for your caring and valuable suggestions/views !

@MalStrom Maybe because we have always seen my father and mother as a made for each other couple and we have never thought of my father would go after another lady, I think, it’s something unexpected for us so we didn’t know how to react for it at first(I don’t know how to explain this feeling). I am just against this lady because; she is already married having two kids and of no good character. I have even suggested my father to remarry a gentle lady and I am even willing to find a genuine partner for him, but he is refusing.

@soulful Yes, I totally agree with you. I and my husband where trying to take some action on my brother since longtime. I keep on telling him not to give him money. But he always ignored my suggestions. Only now he is realizing it and accepted to take action against my brother(Still I am not 100% confident that he will take any steps, let’s see).

@blindpup10 My brother has been like this even before my mother’s death, I had a lot of hope that he will at least understand his responsibility after my mom’s death, but no change instead it got worsen! I am tired of fighting/arguing/convincing/crying to my brother to find a solution for this. All I receive is only hurting and insults from him, still I continued and now I have stopped talking to him.

On the other side, my father was also ignorant to me whenever I asked him to take an action like you have suggested. Though, he continued to complaint about him to me. I told him strictly that until he takes severe action I cannot do anything to change this situation. He was so much concerned about the society and still not willing to go to police station and stopping me as well.

I am on my 7th month of pregnancy with complications like GD and Preeclampsia. So am afraid of taking risk by going to India at this time. Also my husband cannot travel to India until we sort his visa issue.

I somehow convinced my father to stay with me for 2months just to divert him. Now he has returned to India, he have left with a determination that he will go legally if my brother reacts the same way again.

These two adults make me feel guilty all the time that, I am helpless to them, while they are responsible for this situation. My father often tells me that it would’ve been better if I am in India. He is suggesting me that he will give that house to me and I take the responsibility to throw him out. I said ‘No’. It’s frustrating how my father is refusing to show his empowerment as a parent and asking me to handle this situation. The fact is that I cannot take more control than my father.

My brother says that I got married and I am not concerned about this situation as if I am being selfish. At the same time he also says that I don’t have any rights to interfere with them anymore when I question him on anything. I and my husband tried our level best to help him to find out a job. I have even forced him to come and stay with me but he always refused. Because he got used for the free money and a luxury life in India with a bunch of so called ‘friends’. And he is not willing to work. He puts a question to everybody that ‘why should I make money?’ I will definitely blame my father to build this kind of attitude with him.

I will also share your reply to my father; because I have been suggesting the same to my father for a long time he has never listened to them. But after a long time, now he is willing to take some action, let me see.


@dnormx01 Yes, I clearly understand. But my father is been stopping me every time when I say that I am going to the police. He is worrying for the society. But I have been warning him also that at some point, I will go to the police even without informing him coz it’s going out of control.

@chocolate Exactly, he is used to blame all of us as an excuse for his laziness. And marrying that lady is impossible, as I said earlier, she is already married with two kids and not of good character. Instead, I will be happy if my father gets married to a genuine person who genuinely need a partner like my father, in that case, I will not even object if my father gives all his property to that genuine partner.

@Yellomango Like I said earlier, I would be happy if my father has an affair with a good person. But this lady is already married having two kids and not good conduct. Still, my father has assured me that there will be no issue from that lady and her family. So now I am least worried about his affair. I want to first sort out my brother’s issue.


Thanks all once again! You all are just awesome!

Note: I just made an error on my post, instead of 5Lakhs, I wrote as 50Lakhs.