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Vent Out!!

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by shivanya07, Jan 12, 2019.

  1. shivanya07

    shivanya07 Gold IL'ite

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    Hello,
    I want to vent out in hope of getting some mental peace. I am married with 2 school going kids. Coming to the issue, i feel i am the only one worring, planning, trying to execute things in the house. Even if its a usual outing, i plan even tiny things like what time we need to start getting ready, what time will we reach there, planning what time to get back home so that the kids are not too tired, should i take jacket for kids in case its cold, waterbtls, snacks .. and my list goes on.DH and kids would follow. I get frustrated when on weekend mornings i have to tell the kids to go brush so that the breakfast time doesn’t get delayed. All three of them would do their own things and are not bothered about the time. i am the only one getting stressed to finish things on time.

    We were planning to celebrate my dd’s bday today by having a cake cutting just at home. My point is all of us knew that we will have the cake cutting in the morning then why should i remind everybody that its getting late for brekafast ,cake cutting. Had to keep telling to go brush, go take bath, go dress up in the middle of my kitchen work! and what made me mad was nobody even wanted to look at the clock. I dont know whom i am angry at , is it my kids or my DH. Dh would def help but i have to say. I am getting angry that why should i keep reminding. Does he not know we have this plan. dd is 9yrs!! And as i knew it was late and i had help the kids get ready and had no time for myself to get dressed up and ended up avoiding to be in pics. I want to do things well planned, leisurely but never happens even for a small task.


    Planning, keeping up with time,making kids happy, making sure DH dsnt get grumpy by my nagging.... i end up getting stressed myself. And finally i get the name that i am always stressed about things and always running around like headless chicken!!


    And then i come to a point that fine when they are not bothered about their hunger, their comfort,delay in time etc.. why should i stress myself , i will jst stop getting bothered! But then this doesnt stay for long and i end up thinking anything and everything about them and again start my cycle of getting stressed for everything! any suggestions ladies? i dont knw if i sound silly but writing all these feelings makes be better. Thanks for your time and please if you think i am doing something wrong i am open to all suggestions.
     
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  2. yellowmango

    yellowmango IL Hall of Fame

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    You need to chill a bit.

    If the cake cutting is only at home with just family,why can't it be more chilled out.
    Why the strict time issue?
    Why can't you all be in nightsuits still and cut the cake?

    There are times you need to stick to routine but sometimes you should chill and let chill.

    If you nag all the time....no one will take you seriously.

    This is from personal experience.
    I wasted a lot of precious time being anxious and a nag when I should have been enjoying the moment with them.
     
  3. shivanya07

    shivanya07 Gold IL'ite

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    Thank You @yellowmango for the reply. I can completely connect to what you say. I am not living at the moment and fail to enjoy it. For everything i plan mentally and then go accordingly thts the reason i am not able to compromise.
    I had this visual of cutting the cake with my dd dressed up in her bday frock and thats why it didnt even occur to me that i could have actually stayed chill and done everything in nightdress. You see thats my problem!! I visualise and plan everything in advance in my mind and if it doesnt go according to my plan i get anxious and panic thinking whats the next plan. And going through this tension every now and then is making me physically tired as well.

    I really need to slow down. Thanks again for your time. Somehow writing down everything gives me a clear picture of the issue now.
     
  4. AppuMom

    AppuMom Silver IL'ite

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    Ha ha ha ...I can totally relate to you. I am like this. But this new year resolution I had taken is go easy.My child is also soon to be 10 with no sense of time managamentTill last year I was behind him for everything.drink milk,finish brushing ,dress up in 10 mins ..LOL the list goes on. We sat and discussed that I will be no longer a time checker/keeper at home. Manage your time the way you want and I have no issues.Only think he should be out of home at this time for school or should go to bed at this time in the night.
    My life is easy now with no shoutings and gyan sessions in the morning.I think we need to take a step back and let the kids learn time management and responsible for their routine.
     
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  5. guesshoo

    guesshoo IL Hall of Fame

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    Sounds like my life currently. Let go.

    Gets a bit too much when everyone is certain i have their backs but the only way to turn this around is to let them fail. (When stakes are low, that is)

    If there is a party my child wants to go to and is taking forever to get ready, I sit back and take her there late. It annoys her and I just shrug as I point out she wasted too much time doing irrelevant stuff.

    On occasion when we dress up DH wants a family photo but nothing gets done until I'm herding them. I let go of doing that. A couple of occasions and one of us 4 has changed due to convenience and it really doesn't matter as we all have individual pics.

    There's always a way around. A dress on my daughters room floor will stay there until she sets it right. Same with my husband's teacup in the bedroom. Once I started to show I wouldn't do it nor nag, things slowly started falling in place.

    It still is a madhouse but I'm less furious...
     
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  6. Rihana

    Rihana Finest Post Winner

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    It is indeed a thankless job. If you don't do what you are doing, there won't be birthday cakes, cutting, outings, photos taken, memories created. After all, lounging around in pajamas is nice but we also need to do things like celebrate, go out etc. which take some planning and organization.

    Your experience is the story in many households with young kids and even teenagers. With my friends, we plainly ask each other, 'has the oldest kid got ready?' or 'how is the oldest kid doing?' which stands for the pati dev.

    "Why do I have to ask him to do it? Can't he see it needs to be done?" is the constant question that we used to have and have now made blissful peace with even though still no answer.

    I am LOL to read this, but by God, when my kids were pre-teens, this drove me nuts. Smiling for the camera became a chore. The trick, I have learnt, is to be the planner and executor but without that being too obvious. From your above description, definitely one item has to go. "What time we need to start getting ready" -- don't set that time. Here's what works for me (well mostly):
    - the previous evening, casually say to the family, "let's leave by 10 am in the morning." That's it. No reminders. No repeating it.
    - have a list of what to take for summer outings, winter outings. The individual items and the "family" items. The family items I pack. The rest are there in a list which stays in a kitchen drawer. They make fun of my lists, but happily use that worn-out handwritten list to pack their stuff.
    - At decided departure time, I am ready, and relaxing in the living room, or randomly cleaning up car or garage.
    - At an hour before departure time, I might go wake up kids, husband. But, just "hey wake up". No physically making sure they leave the bed.
    - When they come to the car, make sure they have packed what they need to. Being very careful to keep any nagging tone out of my voice or facial expression. If we are late, we are late. Oh well.

    For the b'day at home, you could have gone easy on when the cake gets cut.

    When I read your post, I had this surreal feeling of it being typed by me 8-10 years ago. All the b'days, outings and India trip packing sagas and memories came to mind.

    The funny thing is that in times when real organization is needed, kids turn to me only. : ) : )

    Don't be hard on yourself. Someone has to keep track of things in the household and you are doing it. Even if they don't say it, they realize and in their own way appreciate it. If not now, later they will. But, try to tone it down. Pick your battles. Or rather, pick your victories.

    It is always on my new year resolution list -- to be "more Dalai Lama, less drill sergeant" : )
     
  7. sokanasanah

    sokanasanah IL Hall of Fame

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    I am the one who has to do everything in my house. That really ticks me off too!! I rush around muttering to myself angrily. Except, I live alone, so the taskmaster and the laggard are both me. I can't even blame other people. Ugh.
    :smash2:

    Get into the habit of making lists. For starting suggestions see something like this. For general inspiration, see this. Use the skeleton and modify appropriately to suit your lifestyle and preferences.
    Make a master-list for each activity/task from which you can derive sub-lists assigning sub-tasks to everyone.
    Get a laminator. For recurring tasks (like kids' bedtime routines) make laminated cards. Get them to check tasks off as they go along, with an erasable marker.
    Similarly, make "things I need when I leave the house" lists (for work, for business travel, for kids' activities, for international travel, etc.).
    Keep track of the effectiveness of the lists. Add/subtract items so that the list evolves to fit snugly into your lifestyle. In a few iterations the fit will be pretty good. You will notice your frustration level decrease.

    If you stay aware and identify all the things that drive you crazy, then you can find ways to make those tasks/situations easier. For example, in addition to a travel-list, I keep a separate set of most things I need for business travel. There's a set of travel shirts, pants, underclothes, socks, slippers, gym shoes, a Dopp kit, vitamins, Advil, separate chargers for electronics - you get the drift. This ensures that I don't forget something that I'm using until the last minute, like a phone charger or my laptop cord. Also, I'm not doing laundry the night before. The bags are 95% packed all the time - packing gets done for the next trip when I get back from the current one. I have a list with items checked off as I go along, so I know exactly where I stand, reducing stress & anxiety levels dramatically. For me, the duplication of items - two power-cords for one iPhone or Kindle, multiple sets of clothes - is worth it. My rule: the higher the frustration level, the more expense I am wiling to tolerate to eliminate it.

    Pay attention to what your frustration is telling you. Every time you think "You know what? This is driving me nuts!" figure out what the 'this' is. Then figure out ways to simplify and make things easier on yourself. More often than not a list and an automated reminder will do it.

    :beer-toast1:
     
    Last edited: Jan 14, 2019
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  8. shivanya07

    shivanya07 Gold IL'ite

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    Thank you @AppuMom for replying. After a long session of “gyan” i somehow trained Dd to get ready for school in the morning so thts one tension less:grinning:. I think the whole family needs an elaborate session of gyan for outings and celebrations as well.;)
    And coming to time management, i feel like hanging a clock around their necks:confused:
     
    Last edited: Jan 14, 2019
  9. shivanya07

    shivanya07 Gold IL'ite

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    @guesshoo , Thanks for the suggestion. i seriously need to learn that!!
     
  10. shivanya07

    shivanya07 Gold IL'ite

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    Thank You, @Rihana for the advice. After reading all your replies i really feel positive that atleast i am doing my job properly, however will def try to be more calm and composed now. Well, “pathi dev” is the source of triggering my anger. When i am planning everything and running around janaab is sitting playing board games with kids. and thts when my BP shoots up. I have told him many times that he is supposed to be in the management dept with me but he conveniently forgets that and always plays the role of a team member. I really feel one day the clock’s glasses are going to shatter like in the ghost stories because of my constant staring:facepalm:.
    I am going to take a back seat and try the ways that has been suggested by all you ladies. Thanks again!
     

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