Vent And In Need Of Suggestions

BDivya · Aug 10, 2016

Its varalaxmi puja on friday and followed by avani avitam and gayathri jabam pujas on 18th and 19th. So MIL asked us to come to their place as she wants both her sons to perform these pujas together. So I had to apply leave in my office for the next one whole week including friday 12th. My manager has rejected my leave saying that i have taken too many leaves and its not good. Yes I have taken quite a big amount of leaves and its all due to MIL. She makes me take leave for every festival that occurs and if i say no she creates a big fuss.

Inlaws left us to stay as a nuclear setup (earlier we were in a joint set up) from this May month-3 months now. And before May I have applied like n number of leaves every now and then for all the pujas and festivals. After May till now I have taken : May-no leave, June-2 days as my own sister had delivered so went to see the baby, July-1 day as i was unwell and thats all. From Jan till april : 13 days leave i have taken!!! Just see the difference. Still MIL says to me directly and to DH also and fills his ears saying that I dont take any leave for family purposes and never take leave when MIL asks me to do..

Now that my manager had rejected my leaves for the next week , i went and pleaded him and almost promised him that i will make sure that i dont take more leaves in future..Im sure this will affect my appraisal. So finally my leaves are approved after many struggles from my side and my pleading. This will actually affect my self-image in office and i will be tagged like a more leave taker by manger and lead and is going to affect my appraisal and rating. But after doing this many sacrifices from my professional side also my H is still like - if u wud have worked properly and completed all ur tasks in office then no manager will ask u such questions. He is not understanding my situation and the sacrifice that i made instead blames me for not doing work in office! The relations between me and H and inlaws are very strained and they torture me and he does too but still i have taken so much pain only to visit their house. ANd when i go there they are again going to say/do things that are going to hurt me badly.

During october month MIL has again now(recently) planned for a temple visit(kuladeivam kovil). and that is also on a working day-friday. And for diwali (oct 29th) both set of parents have called to their house. My parents have called as for my sister its thala diwali(first diwali) so it will be grand and they want us to come there. But my H said- No , im not coming. since we are not going to my parents house to celebrate diwali im not coming there.

Now im like , i struggled so much to get a whole week off just to satisfy his ego and as MIL wanted us to come, now he is not ready to come for diwali.

My problems are,
1. We both have very big egos and both dont want to come down from the ego.

But recently iam trying to break my ego as i see my marriage going no where and we always fight. And H is like everytime i disagree/have a different opinion, he initiates fight and asks me to leave him and go,divorce,seperate,everything. Now this has become like his mantra. He wants me to do & obey whatever MIL wants me to do.(like taking leaves as per MIL wish, talking over to them on phone & skype often and that too I shud smile and talk happily as if she has done nothing to me) All these are tuff but i try to do things as per his wish.

2. second problem and most important : Since i also have a lot of ego its very difficult for me to let go of it everytime and act as per his wishes(most of which are his mom's wish).

And this irritates me and i lose my cool when i learn that its his mom's wish and he is forcing it on me. He is treating me like a object-which has no emotions, no feelings, no self opinion, nothing. He does all this because he thinks that- its me because of whom his parents moved away from a joint set up. and his parents also dont allow him to think the other way . they keep reminding him that its me because of whom they are away from their son and not in a joint family. Not directly but somehow or the other they keep saying this to him.

They keep saying something about me and my parents that my H does not like me nor my parents. H speaks ill of my parents. inlaws keep checking with him about me and also if my parents spoke to H or not. If my parents speak then they find some mistake in the context of what is spoken else if they dont speak they manipulate H saying that they dont even bother to speak to u and us also. they have just dusted their hands off once they married their daughter. Because of this H doesnt speak to my parents. Even if my dad calls to his phone he asks me to pick up and talk and if i give him to talk he will just talk for few seconds and immediately keep the phone. But expects me to talk in phone/skype to his parents nicely&smiling. else he will show his face to me aftter the call.

Inlaws after they went to another city, only 3 months over, and in these 3 months we have gone there twice and they have come here once. Its like MIL and FIL plan in such away that one month either we shud go there or they will come here. there is no gap. And because of this im not able to go to my parents house. Thats their planning. If i exhaust all my leaves for them then when will i visit my parents???

My main concern:
1. Should i leave all these thoughts and do as per H wish and make him happy. So that there is some peace in my life and no fights?

I surely want peace and love from my H as i cant spend my entire life fighting with him or fighting for my rights.. But on the other side my ego is not letting me to compromise thinking that MIL and FIL will be happy and feel like they have succeeded in making me obey to their wishes..
And i wonder if my H will ever understand me?? till this very moment he thinks that im a bad woman and all probs are created by me and his parents are unhappy because of me..

Its painful to write tht my H doesnt want me in his life. He keeps saying that i shud go away from him and his life.. Because of me he and his family are unhappy.. but i dont want to go away/divorce for my kid.
I somehow want my marriage to work and want peace and love from my H.
Please help me ladies by giving some suggestion like- how to make my H understand me, respect me and love me and how to make my marrige work???? please..

2. Else should i teach him and his parents a lesson by doing tit for tat???

A big vent and Please pour in ur suggestions.

MalStrom · Aug 10, 2016

Stop bending over backwards to please everyone. You have tried it and its not working. I have never heard of anyone taking a whole week off for Varalakshmi nombu and Avani avittam.
You should compromise by taking off for just Varalakshmi puja. Let your husband stay on for Avani avittam. Since your manager is already unhappy why do you want to jeaopardize your job? And if you use up all your leaves like this what will you do if there is a real need like your child falling sick?
As for visiting your parents you just have to be bold and do it. Are your in laws going to arrest you if you go see your family? Your sister's thalai Deepavali is a big occasion. Inform your husband that you will be traveling to your parents place for this.
He who tries to please everyone pleases no one. Identify your priorities and act accordingly.

yellowmango · Aug 10, 2016

OP...your in laws will never be happy because they don't want to be.
Same with your husband.He just wants to get his way (or his parents view) by pilng gulit on you.
You know the truth so just stop being effected.
Next time he says his inlaws left because of you....just say"they left because they did not have the big heart to accept their dil"

Have they left the other brother and his family too? If so....they have separated from their sons and not the other way round.They probably wanted to go and you are a perfect excuse .
Just don't entertain his nonsense talks.

As for festivals....just openly talk to him that you can attend this one and cannot attend that one.Suggest that he can go for the other one with your baby. Talk like a team.
Tell him you are the mother of a small child and unless he is willing to take leave and care for his child ,he should not expect you to exhaust your leave .Tell him your child is a God to you and caring for him is your festival.

For Diwali ,if you get two days ...go one day in the morning to in laws with sweets and then go to your parents place that evening.If he doesn't want to go to your parents place...just let Mr long face stay with his parents.

If you get only one day holiday for Diwali ....go to in laws place on the sunday that comes before diwali. Take some sweets ,diyas etc .....Tell them you have to go to your place for the special occasion ,so you have come early to get their blessings for you and baby.

As for ego.....If you feel what he wants you to do is something you would also do...then don't worry where the suggestion is coming from.
If it doesn't work for you ,then calmly discuss why it doesn't work for you with a smile.

Chill girl...it has just been 3 months ...things will settle down.
Hugs to you.

KashmirFlower · Aug 10, 2016

Inlaws left us to stay as a nuclear setup (earlier we were in a joint set up) from this May month-3 months now.
Click to expand...

Isn't it big + point. I am happy for you.

chocolate · Aug 10, 2016

Op, Call your husband's bluff.You are in an abusive marriage and relationships due to marriage. Your MIL, husband and everybody from in laws can pull your strings and you wont do anything about it. Oh icing on the cake is always hubby telling he will divorce you. I am sorry you need to call him out for that. . You are damaging your career and your own emotional being.You want your kids to see the same.

People prey on vulnerable. Your hubby knows he can make you heed by telling the d word.Your sister's thala deepawali is the most important occasion.Make a firm mind and go there. Don't take repeated leaves becoz MIL said hubby said. Even if you are excellent at work, you will look unreliable and create bad impression among everybody at work. You are accomplishing nothing to listening to in laws , hubby all the time. It will only make you look like a punching bag to them.

Say no to this vacation and go for only one day. You didn't have to beg your manager. It creates a bad impression and not to mention you poor thing will feel humiliated.Your sister's is important go there. That's it. If hubby says divorce walk away . If he threatens then walk away. If he says to go call his bluff and walk away. Go to your parents. Stay put there. Until he thinks of you as a person and not a doll who dances to his tunes.Good Luck.

samsWait · Aug 11, 2016

Why do you need to go to in laws place for varalakshmi vratham? Can you not do it in your house?

sweetsmiley · Aug 11, 2016

Hi OP,

Did you ever heard the story of "Tiger coming"..ur husband is trying something like that to scare you...
Just say if he want divorce ask him to proceed and inform both the side parents and see what he does.

He will never go for the divorce... Tell him that you will rip him in the name of alimony and never leave any property. Develop thick skin. What happens if he shows face? He is not saint to burn you alive.Face it with boldness and give him back saying that he is not talking to your father means the same treatment will be applicable for his parents. Talk to his mother also in same way. Dont talk in skype say hi - bye way and cut that. just ignore ur husband.

Develop good relation with your inlaw's relations . Say to your husband that you will tell everything to them about the divorce torture and MIL's Torture.

Even you are going to do everything based on your husband's and MIL's wish - they are not going to be happy and you are not going to get peace of mind.
Time to go for reverse approach and trust me, nothing to lose.

poovai · Aug 11, 2016

OP,

Decide what you want in life and stick to your values. If you want to work, act professionally. Otherwise, stay home to please your family. It is as simple as that.

Do they count on your paycheck every month? Indirectly, telling you to quit your job (or trying you to get sacked).

Does your DH takes exact same days off, like you? I hope not? Otherwise, he will be the laughing stock at his work place.

Bella1990 · Aug 11, 2016

Dear OP,

You have done everything according to what husband and mil's wants and what did you get? Did it make your life peaceful or happy in any way ?

Doing the same things and expecting different results is silly.

What do you think will happen if you stand up for yourself and say no to them for once ?

That he will divorce you ? I think he needs you more that you need him.

If I were you I would be happy that my leave was rejected.

Your hubby or mil will not be happy no matter what you do then why should you sacrifice your leave and your reputation at work for people who don't even respect and appreciate your efforts ?

Be strong and put your foot down for once.

bron · Aug 11, 2016

Just put your foot down and tell you cant take leave..and tell him if he is ok if you lose yoir job because of these leaves and ask him if he ll able to manage the finaces well if you lost your job jusy because of the leaves you take make his mom happy..bring him to senses that your fil is not running the company to dance tobthe tunes of your milm..
And threatining divorce is sheer stupidity if he threatens divorce for these reasons then you also tell you are ready for divorce