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Urgent: Need Help To Sort It Out

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by Rosegarden, Jan 16, 2019.

  1. Rosegarden

    Rosegarden Bronze IL'ite

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    I am a married (16 yrs) women with two kids living in USA . I have been struggling with trusting my husband due to his private life behind my back. I have posted about my issues here (Dilemma- Leave Or Stay). Here is an update. I felt like the counselling didn't work in our case. He agreed that there will be transparency and I can access his phone if I request it. I rarely asked for it. But I made sure I have access to it. My life was terrible as he started living in silent mode and its was continuing like this last four months. He requested another session on a counselling and was blaming me all the time for making his life horrible, for informing his parents about it. Finally he said he want to separate and he don't want to work on this marriage. Again I asked him is there any chance to work on this marriage. He said he is ready but based on so many conditions- like I have to be pleasant, don't ask question him and no access to his phone or emails as he think its his private space etc. He promise me that he will be faithful. Can I trust him as he refuse to be transparent? what you will do in my place. He don't want to talk with me on this as he thinks its stressful. I don't know how to sort this out without talking. I don't want to talk again in front of counselor.

    I am so worried about my parents ( sick and old )and kids. I have tried everything I can to save this marriage. But I cannot accept his demand like this. I know that he can cheat me if he wants even when I have full access. But no access to his phone even with his permission make me suspicious.

    When I posted it here all most all of the ladies suggested it is good to go for separation. I have some health issues too and I don't know how to manage everything alone. I dont have any family or friends here . If separation is the only option, what are the things I have to do. I have a big house which I cannot maintain alone. I can pay EMI if I want to. He wants to move out. What is best and practical suggestion. Stay in the house or move to another. As I earn more, I dont know I end up paying him money if I go for divorce. Do I need to agree with demands and see how it goes for some more time . I need more time to settle everything. I dont want to rush. The whole issue affect my career too. I am in a very confused state. Please help.
     
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  2. sumalynux

    sumalynux IL Hall of Fame

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    This is one of my friend's cousin did.

    A practical solution.

    My friend's cousin came to know her husband was already married and had a kid from 1st marriage now divorced with single settlement (Love marriage 1st time so none if relatives knew). Guys parents hid this information and married him to friends cousin. Now both parents are dead.

    2nd wife (friends cousin) is already married for 10yrs n have 8years kid n from very poor family n have younger sister for marriage.

    So that lady just made pact with husband as living under roof and he provides her n kid with financial support and she in turn takes care of house his food n stuff. Both doesn't question each other. No fights arguments just casual talks about kid n family. But he's a good father so she wants to just run life this way. Kid and girls parents aren't aware of this.

    I am not suggesting you to this. I just wanted to share a case I came across.

    Make this points n decide.

    Is he a good father n husband other than this. How attached is kid to him. Are you okay and can manage to stay single n take care of Financial n other commitments. What do you forsee in future after divorce, run through plan and see if you can handle it.

    If you are confiden it's OK to divorce. I think only you can do all pros n cons n come to conclusion
     
    Rosegarden, MalStrom and Rihana like this.
  3. Rihana

    Rihana IL Hall of Fame

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    Buy time. Tell him that you need time to think whether you want to work on the marriage with his conditions. So, you are agreeing to his conditions (no access to his phone, email, no questions) for now, but not with an aim to work on the marriage. The aim is to take time to think through this more deeply.

    It is like hitting a semi "pause" on the marriage while going about daily life as usual. In a tone that is devoid of blame and as sincere as you can make it sound, tell him something like this: "I have given it some thought. I have thought over your conditions. I would like to take some time to think through this. Whether I want us to work on this marriage with your conditions. The welfare of the children takes highest priority for me, followed by my self-esteem now, the impact on my career of having to trust you blindly, and my near and distant future plans, goals. Let's follow your conditions for 4 (or whatever number) of weeks. Then, we will revisit the situation."

    Once that status quo has been established, get a grip on your emotions. First -- deal with that panic that must be setting in each time you contemplate a life without him. Reduce that panic. Second, get your financial matters in order. Check bank account passwords, activity over past 1-1.5 years, and look closely at other things like brokerage accounts, any 401K's, IRA's etc. If you have a joint account into which your salary gets deposited, think about separating. But don't be emotional in these decisions. If he has not misused money, then, let it be.

    Spend some money. Talk to a lawyer who can give you some advice about your divorce related options.

    If your heart is not in the marriage, and you would divorce except for the health, EMI issues, then, give some thought to the option sumalynux has posted. Ask yourself if you can live like that. If yes, until when, why, and what after that. And don't feel like you need everyone's approval to go with such an arrangement. If no, if the very idea is repulsive and you would never even consider it, then, drop it.

    The short answer to your question is -- buy time, for now agree to his conditions, and tell him you are taking the time to evaluate your options and think through what you want.

    Don't focus too much on not having access to his phone, email etc. Even if you had access, he can find ways to hide what he needs to hide. In a way, it is a relief. If you had access, you would keep wondering if he is erasing history, etc.

    Let there be a few weeks or 2-3 months where he sees you not desperate to save the marriage and going about your life and kids as normally as possible. When he sees you are less emotional, less desperate, and more coolly evaluating your options, it might make him think too about what he wants in life.
     
  4. Rosegarden

    Rosegarden Bronze IL'ite

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    @sumalynux , Thanks for sharing. I have been living like that for the last four months. It is tough for first few weeks than get used to it. But I cannot provide a good role model of marriage with happy parents if I continue this way. I dont know how long one can live like this way.

    Is it healthy for kids , I still dont know. If kids were not involved, I would not have given a second thought as I am independent and I can handle EMI very easily with my salary.

    Whats best for kids is the question that make me stay and try again. I like them to have a normal childhood instead of shuttling from one home to another. He can marry again, i cannot digest till the idea of having a step-mom in their life. I will be staying single . So what I gain other than mental peace and more work. It is all about practical side.

    I am also worried about the humiliation my parents may face from intruding relatives and people around them. I dont have to face that because I am in US. He is a good father. But not a role model (please read my old post). I am going through this emotional torture for many years. I am OK now and have a life with kids.

    What is best for kids? That is what I am worried about. Stay or leave.

    @Rihana , Thanks for the detailed plan. My accounts are separate, but if I go for divorce, the whole property will be divided . If so I loose money, I think.

    Right now, I said I am OK with it. But I dont know how I can continue like that. I am very disappointed by my married life which ended within 100 days in true sense. I have this feeling that he is committed to himself than to the marriage. After the cheating episodes, I am struggling to forgive, even though I moved on. The counselling helped me to vent to became a neutral. The couple counselling part, I thought the counselor will stress how he can help to come back to life with his help. But the blaming game from his side and his inability to follow the suggestions to spend more time with me . I made of mistake of informing him that I have told parents about it after the second set of events. That made him very angry and upset. How long I can protect him ? I am ashamed of living like this, just for everyone. I am trying to forgive myself. Kids and parents are the only concern I have. If kids where not there, I would not have given this much thought. I dont have anyone to support here. My career is also affected very badly due to this emotional stress and resulting medical issues, surgeries etc. I am ok now.

    Is there anyone who faced similar situation and living with husband ,separated, divorced (in USA) and managing everything alone ? Any feedback will be appreciated.
     
    Last edited: Jan 16, 2019
  5. mangaii

    mangaii Gold IL'ite

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    @Rosegarden What do you think about his role as father for your kids ?
     
  6. Rosegarden

    Rosegarden Bronze IL'ite

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    So far he is a good father. But not very expressive or emotional. For the last four months, we are talking only to the point. I realized he is not much mingling with kids. He said to the counselor that he is so stressed because of work and his life. If he live separately, I dont know how he will behave with kids when he is stressed. He can provide food and shelter , but not the emotional needs. If he is happy, he is good with kids, he will take care of them well.
     
  7. sumalynux

    sumalynux IL Hall of Fame

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    Op if I was in your situation I would really prefer under roof roommate situation. I really feel it will eventually turn good and spouse starts liking and appreciating each other.

    You will stop having expectations and love n care n transparency from him.No expectations no heart ache.

    You will learn to be more independent.

    Kids get to stay under single roof.

    You still get to be dependant or have a extra hand to take care of kids

    You can forget all bitter and be like friends so kids will get peace and happy environment.

    I haven't read all your threads so I really do know your exact situation. I personally feel physical n mental abuse Adultery Bad father only this conditions I would suggest divorce.

    But if you run through your plans about future after divorce if you feel that life is better and more peacefull and secured go with it.

    I think when he sees you are least bothered about his transparency and not expecting love care and have friendly environment he might come around and in fact start liking you. Try giving it try for 6 months. Meanwhile get hold of your finance and emotions. Discuss with your mom and sister or cousin if anyone close. Take time to heal yourself. It's not easy to forget or forgive him easily. Let time do magic. The

    Wishing things work out for you. Take care.
     
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  8. mangaii

    mangaii Gold IL'ite

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    what is your plan for future in case if you separate ?
    Keeping the fears aside what additional benefits you will get after divorce ?
    Think about you and YOU only for these questions. Don't think about kids . Just look at yourself and ask what do you want after this episode.
     
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  9. Rosegarden

    Rosegarden Bronze IL'ite

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    If that is inevitable, I need to move on with my life that's all. I am not afraid of living alone as I am very independent. I dont have any plan to remarry. Being a reserved person, I dont know how it will be. It may give more time to focus on myself and career I believe. But I am worried about kids as hear stories on how separation can badly affect them, also my parents. To be honest, even with all this problems, I still cannot digest the idea of him marrying someone else. I dont know why I am not able to hate him to the core. But after divorce, I dont want him in my vicinity, only then I can recover fully, but its impossible as kids are involved.
     
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  10. Rosegarden

    Rosegarden Bronze IL'ite

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    Thanks, I have mentioned my issues in here (Dilemma- Leave Or Stay). He said he gave up all those habits for the last six years and is faithful, I dont have any evidence against it. I was not able to recover well as there was no effort from him to help me emotionally. Thats how I ended up with health issues and counselling. During counselling he revealed that I am still living in the past and my negativity is repelling and affecting him. My family don't know anything about it. I am keeping it to my self . I told his parents that I am going for counselling, they said they cannot accept what he did and said only I can make this marriage work. I am going to give some more time like you suggested.

    Tagging here members who replied many times to my old thread
    @yellowmango @SGBV @Sandycandy @peoc @kalpas @nju @paru123, @lavani . Thanks everyone who replied there.
     
    Last edited: Jan 16, 2019
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