Unreasonable Mom

Dear @blindpup10

I remember you were telling that you live with your mom.
I have spoken to almost all the girls in general, and they were able to relate some or the other issues of mine for the simple reason that they live with their moms after marriage.
This is no different from normal Indian men who live with their moms after marriage either.
All in all, the moms after a certain age seem to treat their children as if they are the spouse of their enemies (SNIL/DIL) and not as their children anymore.
It is because of their constant attention seeking battle, and they are jealous their children pay more attention to their spouse than them.
The child who pays extra care and gives unconditional love to the parent gets badly affected by this drama.
Blessed are the children who could get away from this responsibility of taking care/living with elderly parents.
This is a phase, and I believe this too shall pass.
I am glad to hear from someone who understands what I feel.
As you said, I've chosen to ignore and do what pleases me atleast to retain my sanity. Of course in a humble manner.

 

Exactly, she doesn't believe that she is doing anything wrong. On top of it, she is capable of twisting the facts as per her taste. So that her other children (my siblings) too think she is not wrong.

She doesn't think her DD is happy or the marriage is perfect. According to her standard I am living a very cruel marriage. Because she believes in controlling, and doesn't believe in equality or respect in a marriage. She controlled her H, and was treated like a queen in her home. She sees the same in and around her life. Her siblings (all are male) are being controlled by their spouses. Her son is believed to have controlled by SIL.
Of course this control has several dimensions. And these women had faced hell lot of other issues in their marriage.
But according to my mom's belief system, a marriage should be like that only.
So, in our case, there is nothing like controlling. Only mutual friendship, respect and affection. She fails to understand this as something positive.
So, she thinks of either empowering me as a controlling freak or to pull me out of this marriage.

Counseling... No She is far from it. First she must understand that there is a need for it. In fact, I too could give counseling to a certain level (as I am trained for it) but she is not ready for it.

I am getting my counseling from my peers, and venting like this helps to remain normal.

 

Today's update:

Last night my kids had a fun filled evening with my H in the garden. After a long play, my H has invited the kids to take bath. But they refused and continued to play even though it was dark. I was cooking and was ready to feed, but they hadn't come out of the garden by then.
So my H gave pats in the backs of my kids, to which they cried loud.
It was simple pat, and pretty normal and i am sure they were not hurt. In 10 mins, they rushed to the wash room, played there with dad, and came out smiling to the dinning room.

Mom saw that my H gave the pat, and rushed inside her room with a long face. Till that moment, she was smiling and staying very happy.
When the dinner was ready, I called her but she refused to eat. She did not even came out to watch her fav soap last night.
My son noticed this, and repeatedly asked why she is moody.
It really affected me, but I forced myself to change my mood yet I listened to some good melodies in the terrace for a long time before sleeping.

This morning, both I and H had meetings, so we rushed to office together. Mom remained silent until we left home. Of course with a long face as if we had done some crime.
This time I did not even ask her why.. But my son asked, and she said she is angry on the little ones for being naughty and getting punished.
She eventually started to talk to the kids though. But then complained to me that my son seems scared, and got up several time during mid night and cried. He is 6 yrs and when asked he said he remembers nothing.
Then he complained of leg pain. It was because of the long play at garden. My H massaged his leg as usual.
But mom hinted, it could have been an effect of your H's cruel beating last night. And also she related how scary my son feels during sleep.

Common... It was a simple pat, and the kids were immediately OK. But she acts or may be believes as if it was some serious physical abuse on the kid. She is angry on me for not fighting with H when he did that. Her long face is to punish me, or to push me to fight with my H for this.

I am sure, she would narrate all this at my bro's place this weekend, as if my H had abused the kids, and I was afraid of taking any action against it.
So, my bro is either gonna say "Mom leave it.. they know what to do, and how to do" Or sometimes, he might say " My sister should learn to control the kids when they are naughty, so that BIL doesn't have to beat them"
What so ever, he would leave it at that. But mom would bring that to my home as if it was a validation from her son, i.e I should be able to either control my kids or my H, and since I do not do any of this, I am a bad mom.

God... Just an example.....