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Unfavourable Situations In Parents Family

Discussion in 'Parents & Siblings' started by SKoundinya, Mar 18, 2020.

  1. SKoundinya

    SKoundinya Senior IL'ite

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    I am not looking for a solution here, but jut want to vent and relate to anybody who can empathize or have similar situations.

    Mother living alone in india with her pension (from late father's job) and by Gods grace doing good except with her worry towards my brother who is in late 40's and who got divorced after short maried life(no childredn) and does not want to step forward to remarry. He is in Kolkata and my mother is in Hyderabad. He is very conservative and does not communicate much and mother has to call him to know his well being . I am living abroad and feel helpless with family situations, he dont communicate with me too. no texting either, no response. very passive as if he is not involved with mother and sister, he is fine doing his job . He visits mother once or twice in a year.

    I am depressed with the way the situations turned out.. and the way how our family is unhappy I feel anxious thinking about future just feel restless, no smile on face..mixing with people but cannot explain whats going on my mind , they will be judgmental , cannot understand my concerns because for any situation unless you go through it you cannot understand how it impacts the person..

    I know many people who are divorced who are trying to remarry or trying to lead the life with more social life to forget their loneliness or involve in charity programs but I did not see anyone who parts from own family because of set back in life. I have nothing to say on this.. just the feeling of helplessness, praying to God everyday to make our lives meaningful, I pray to God either to fix the problem or to give us strength to get through this or to make us happy in someway..
     
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  2. anika987

    anika987 IL Hall of Fame

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    My mom is living alone and my brother is divorced but the way he handles things is very inspiring!

    He was divorced coz the lady in question felt he was too soft,introvert and quite fat..

    After divorce..he hit the gym,developed personality skills by taking classes,works hard in job and now got a promotion and goes out with friends once in a while.He told me that he is actually happy after a long time.

    He is such a positive person and he still believes in sharing goodness with others.There are so many people who bless him and it feels wonderful.

    Most importantly,our family is supportive and gives him strength and we treat divorce is not a deal in sense,it is nothing to frown upon or feel bad.Rather to live alone forever than be in a bad marriage.

    Society will keep saying zillion things no matter what.How many people are married and staying together enduring nightmare?Is it even worth it?
    Divorce is not a bad thing.It shows people new side to things.It makes them stronger!!I feel it takes a lot of courage to walk out of a bad marriage and stand tall!

    You should be strong first and give strength to your mom and brother.Thats what I did.Give him confidence and encourage him to take up hobbies.I always advocate fitness coz it is the best anti depressant in the world.

    When you give strength,your family feels it.Honestly..it is okay with whatever life he chooses.He needs to be happy.You never know!he might find a companion sooner or later.


    Every family has so many skeletons in the closet and only the insecure ones try to make others feel bad as they want to feel better.

    You start from yourself first and say it is fine.Talk to your mom everyday and cheer her up.It is our time to make them feel secure.

    All will be well.Cheer up dear!:)
     
    Last edited: Mar 18, 2020
  3. NOW

    NOW Gold IL'ite

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    Sometimes just accepting the way things are without expecting them to change, judging how we got there and letting go will lift the burden we carry.

    Once we release that negative energy that is making us sad, angry or fearful consciously we will be open for new positive ones.

    I saw a video of Sadhguru where he said we only suffer our memories and imagination and we have to choose intentionally to focus on life that is happening now. At this point we are so wired to not focus on the present. Not sure if this makes sense to you but writing this down I myself feel the need to do this more daily.
     
  4. Amulet

    Amulet IL Hall of Fame

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    Siblings living in horrid marital situations (abusive spouse, in-laws, difficult children, etc. etc.) is a more common experience for a lot of us. In India, divorces are still few and far between, and many who need one, cannot get one all that easily.

    Siblings who have escaped marriage may have learnt some important lessons in life. A change in behavior arising out of such lessons would be normal. And should be expected.

    One behavioral change could as well be to keep their life private, and not share their life's trivia with others; because this is usually the factor that continue to cause trouble for everyone, married, single, divorced or whatever. When people let out information, they invite comments, and that's trouble!!

    @SKoundinya You must believe that brother in bengal is having a wonderful life, because no-news-is-good-news. And focus on making your life happier.
     
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  5. SKoundinya

    SKoundinya Senior IL'ite

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    thank you.. yes I am trying to do this in my daily practice. thank you dear.
     
  6. SKoundinya

    SKoundinya Senior IL'ite

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    Yes doing the same... I personally have my own issues with my family here in abroad, sometimes it is too much on me with no comfort, happiness or support to me.

    thanks for positive words. :) just want to hear all positive.
     
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  7. startinganew

    startinganew Gold IL'ite

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    Hello dear,

    I think if you want to help your brother, please don't pressurize him or remind him or make him feel guilty about the brotherly role you expect him to play: take care of mother, take care of family property, needs to remarry and fit to society-expected role of married-with-kids, etc.

    Just view him as a friend - a friend who you won't be advising typically one you care about.

    In order to keep in touch with him - instead of all your reminders (which might be totally valid but not what he wants/needs right now). He needs these reminders only if he comes to you in confidence and asks what do you think I should do next. Unless he asks you this, it is not in your place to keep reminding him (sorry if this is harsh) - but just adult sibling rules in my head.

    Here are some positive things you could so just to show you care about him as a person:

    1. If you watch a movie he might like, share the trailer and tell - hey, you might like this :) thought of you.
    2. If you have a kid, record a happy birthday video, happy festival message and send it to him and say "we were all thinking of you".
    3. If something in your daily life reminds you of good times you had as a child - just share that with a silly picture of that. :)

    Or any other multitude of simple things; you know much better what he might like or might bring a smile to him. A poem, a cartoon, a photo of a piece of artwork you see, etc. Even if he is not in a mindset to enjoy what you shared with him - it might bring a smile or a tear to him - to know that his sister is trying.

    All you want to do to rebuild this relationship or even do your part in giving him some comfort with whatever he is aching about. It is fully his choice as to what he wants to do with his personal life (remarry or not.) so don't worry yourself about it. what you can do is help with the sliver of his life that you might be involved with: "his relationship with his sister"
     
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  8. SKoundinya

    SKoundinya Senior IL'ite

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    I understand this point, Yes I need to change my perspective on this.. unfortunately with family member we set some expectations and hope to happen from time time.. but reality is different.
     
  9. senorita2019

    senorita2019 Gold IL'ite

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    You cannot force anyone to talk or remarry. At some point they will think about their future and make changes. He is not a child. He probably has many things in his mind that he cannot discuss with others.
    You and your mom call and talk to him and do your part to keep tabs on his wellbeing. Thats all you can do.
     

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