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Unable to understand what they want!!

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by Weasly, Sep 14, 2014.

  1. Weasly

    Weasly Gold IL'ite

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    As most of the ladies here know tht i am not really in talking terms with my inlaws for the bitter experiences they gave me n my mom during my wedding n after the wedding! My mil still talks ill abt me wnever she gets a chance! So i keep my distance n talk to them only when its an occassion or smthing! Also i hv seen tht i gt excessively stressed whn i hv to talk to them! Wn i dont hv to tok to them i am at peace with myself n also wid dh! I dont stop my dh frm talking to them, infact remind him as much as i cn to tok to them, incase he forget or smthing. Mk it a point to send them gifts on birthdays n all! But i keep my distance !
    Anyways it was my birthday this week, they sent sweets, a gift pack wid choclates dry fruits, a plant n my fil said tht there is one more gift on the way! N called to wish! My mil just wished birthday (infact she was a lil rude),n so did my fil! It was a 30 second call! Last year they dint send any gift!!

    I really dont understand all the politics n mind games they play, so i miss out on cues n taunts!!( my husbands birthday was a month back n they sent him only a plant n a cake, n dey r sending me 3-4 gifts, wich is really odd) !! I have asked them numerous times to not send anything on our birthdays n to get worried abt all this gift sending business! We as kids shud b sending them gift, they dnt hv to wry abt all this!

    i dont know wht to mk of it?! Was it just formality or shud i read more it it?! Wht wud u think?!
    dh says, they are being cordial on the face, u also be like tht! I think dey r trying to show dh tht they are good and nice to me by sending dese gifts n all!
    Wt wud u hv done?!
     
    Last edited: Sep 14, 2014
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  2. Shina

    Shina Gold IL'ite

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    First of all belated wishes for ur birthday. Hope u had a blast. :party

    I think because you send them gifts they are doing the same so u do not actually come up higher in terms of giving or being good. They want to look nice in ur husbands eyes i guess. May be they think u have created a negative impression of them in ur husbands eye about them being bad towards u and they want to show to him that look we are actually nice towards ur wife.

    Or there is a slight chance that it could be an attempt to make the relationship a bit better.

    Whatever the reason just accept gracefully and thank them imo. Don't show ur being suspicious about an ulterior motive behind this gesture to husband or else u will look unreasonable. Just my two cents.
     
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  3. lavii

    lavii Gold IL'ite

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    Belated Birthday wishes Weasly ..

    I dint read anyof your past posts ..so just by going what you mentioned IMO

    1)Face to Face whatsoever arguments you guys may have had may be they still like you so they could have sent gifts
    2) They may want to show off you are equal to their kid or better so more gifts than your dh
    3)They may have thought this is one way to begin cordial relationship again
    4)May be as you send gifts to them they wanted to send return gifts to you on special occasion
    5) May be at some point you or your dh pointed out you dint get enuf gifts from them and they found a chance now to give
    6) May be they are doing a show off..
    whatever the reason could be ..i am glad they tried atleast.
     
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  4. Weasly

    Weasly Gold IL'ite

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    thnk u so much for ur wishes dear!hugsmiley

    U r right shina!
    my surprise was evident to my husband whn i got the gift cz i wasnt expecting anything! My parents send gift for both of us while his parents dont! So this came as a very big surprise! While they sent gifts, over the phn the tone was rude! Which only goes to show tht , from the outside they want to show to dh tht they hv changed while being rude to me over the phn will nt cm out in the open!
    Yes i just thanked them for the gifts respectfully n handed the phn over to dh!

    i dont knw why they have to send gifts! Dh n i have asked them umpteen number of times not to send gifts!
     
    Last edited: Sep 14, 2014
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  5. Weasly

    Weasly Gold IL'ite

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    Thnx for the input dear!!
    i know they dont like me, they have made it evident on numerous occasion , thts y this gesture is very surprising for me!!
    acc to my mil both her sons are like diamond pieces n everyone else is second grade! No one comes close!
    no no dh has always said not to send gifts, bcz first they will send n stay worried the entire period in whic it will get delivered! Also there is no need!
    i can understand the show off point, as my parents generally send lavish gifts both on birthday and anniversary , so they might be trying to compete there also!
    Anyawys whatever the case be, i just thanked them n asked them not to wry abt sending gifts n all!
    the sudden burst of gifts i am unable to match with their previous bad behaviour!!
    :bonk
     
    Last edited: Sep 14, 2014
  6. jigisha321

    jigisha321 Gold IL'ite

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    Dear Weasly, sending gifts for birthdays really do not have any significance when they have misbehaved with you earlier or still retain ill-will about you...but from experience I have learnt that for IL-s, actions need not come from the heart...such things are done for on-the-face politeness and show-off to son that how well they treat his wife...I face similar situations where my IL-s just do things to brag about themselves to their son and behind my back their tongues work overtime to bad-mouth me...somtimes such things get difficult to digest..

    I feel you have done just the right thing in thanking them on face and maintaining on-the-face cordiality... do not forget to reciprocate with similar-value gift on your MIL's birthday...in Rome do as Romans do...
     
    Last edited: Sep 14, 2014
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  7. Weasly

    Weasly Gold IL'ite

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    Thank you jigisha for the input !! This is what I was wondering, if they are trying to mend something !! But you put it in clear words what actually happens !! Thanx again for ur input !!
     
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  8. GoogleGlass

    GoogleGlass IL Hall of Fame

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    Having got not a good working relationship, actually you are thinking more about them than they would think about themselves.

    Receive, thank and return gift when their birthday pops up.
     
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  9. drnamshara

    drnamshara Gold IL'ite

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    Easy for him to say..least does he know the undercurrents, raised eyebrows and question mark expressions deep with in you!!! thinkingsmiley

    Belated Bday wishes... :)

    And Yes.....it may be all efforts to gain brownie points from DH.....eventually to make it appear that they are mending ways and you are the bad one!!!

    Be cordially and play on....soak the soakable dry fruits...increase their nutrient value! and eat your way to health!! :2thumbsup:


    And Please pretty please throw some light on :
    >How did you manage to keep distance so far? What tactics and strategies?
    (Do PM me if there is lots to say as it may digress the topic here!)
    >
    In what ways did DH support you in managing this distance?
    >
    Does he not pester you to forgive forget and get back to no
    rmalcy with 'HIS' parents?

    Please guide!

    Its my Bday soon.....and I am glad to have read your plight....I haven't received MILs calls since more than a month now....DH asks me to pick and I dont!!! Minutes of cold looks b/w us!! I hate those moments!! We would be leading a smooth life and there rings her call!! I would have picked, but for her call is to FORGIVE me for leaving home!!!! :rant
    And obviously if she calls to wish me and I dont pick, I will fall flat in DHs eyes and he may stop supporting me lesser and lesser and force me to head back to his parents place!!! OMG I dread that day!!!!
     
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  10. JigsSM

    JigsSM Silver IL'ite

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    Dear Weasly, First of all... Belated Happy Birthday.

    After reading you post i just think that they are trying to rectify their mistake and try to be nice to you. Though it might not be from their heart but they are trying to show that they care for their DIL. They must may be feeling guilty about the incident and so they might be trying to make the use of occasion to show that they care for you.. I would say just keep you heart big and try to forgive them if possible. Just check if their intentions are real if not then you can again keep distant from them.
     
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