unable to understand bil

Well there are few people like that, they are called "Parasites" in my language. I would understand if the bil is not working or if he is in college and does not have salary, then it makes sense that his elder brother ( your husband) is supporting him. But I feel he is taking undue advantage of him. Unfortunately you need to diplomatic about this situation

I am pretty sure that his parents are not buying just gold with the money. They are probably saving some of the money in his savings account ( for marriage ofcourse)

As omnam pointed out try the 2nd option:-

I am not sure how the relation between you and husband is but be diplomatic. Tell the husband why are you spending money on him. HE should be responsible. He will get married in few months and he should be more responsible etc. His wife would not like if he asks money from his elder brother. I think we need to step back and let him handle his own money properly etc etc.

If you have kids, I think Daffny's suggestions also is very nice. Ask your kids for toys and gifts from the bil. This way he will have to spend money on the kids

You can also try asking him for gifts for yourself and husband for your birthday, husband's birthday, anniversary, new year, diwali etc. You can say " Bil we spend so much money on you, but you never bought gifts for me or husband, you never bought gifts for diwali, birthday etc" I am assuming here that he has not given any gifts to you and your DH

Hope this helps.

 

Sunflower

Your BIL is taking too much advantage of you guys.I think its high time for you to control this. He should realize that you have a family with kid and you have your own expenses he is not a kid.
My situation was a lill similar to yours but later all this stopped after my BIL marriage.
I think one option may work for you. Force your BIL to get married in that way he will gain more responsibilities and he will understand what a family means and all the household expenses and wont bother you guys anymore.Hope it works.

 

I can understand this behavior from a recent college grad. But a 30-year old guy, depending on his brother, for every little thing, that too when he has the money, just seems out of the ordinary.
IMO, subtle indicators will not work for people who purposefully freeload! A frank talk might help, in front of your H, so that there is no behind-the-back-bitching. A good idea would be to let your H know that this is not acceptable behavior from a 30-year old adult, earning a handsome salary. And talk about it nicely to your BIL. Talk easy the first time around, by saying that everyone should be independent. And its always good to keep some liquid cash around, along with credit cards, because that will help us track our spending, and the usual blah blah. If he still does not understand, then a more blatant talk, next time around should do the job! Good luck!

PS: Patience is a virtue, but inaction for a long time will lead to being taken for a ride!

 

It's clear that your BIL is sponging off his brother, taking advantage of his love and affection. But you must handle this situation tactfully because your DH is obviously okay with spending such large amounts of money on his brother. I suggest you create an Excel sheet of your family income and expenses...I bet you will find a lot "outgoings" related to your BIL. Make sure you specify these expenses as those related to BIL visits, his travel expenses, and so on. Create a pie diagram if your DH is a visual learner! This will help him see the wasteful expenditure that is eating into your savings. In addition, try to invest a solid amount in a home or a mutual fund for your kid...when you lock in money with investments it will be very difficult for your DH to give away money as he is doing now.

I am really skeptical of how marriage can change your BIL...if anything, he will become more of a leech because his personal expenses will increase and, thanks to you and your DH, he has never had to spend any money from his own pocket to meet these expenses! Point is, the sooner you break this cycle, the better!

 

Hey Sweetie,

Lucky girl who marries your BIL I must say. 5 years 45k per month wow. I hope you get to see her from behind the golden attire she would be wearing for her marriage.
I feel the main problem here is your MIL who has instructed him to send most of his salary home every month. Of course he is also to be blamed a grown up man capable enough to earn good doesn't understand how to take care of his finances. And is happily sucking on to his brother's bank account shameless.
If I were you I would tell my husband how his lovely brother doesn't look good in society if he continues his ways and also needs to realize and learn to take care of all his needs before taking on the responsibilities as a husband.
You really need to put a full stop to this before he gets married or you would have double tickets and some feminine shopping added to the list while your dear MIL is storing gold baskets at her home.
Loving your siblings and getting them things sometimes is nice but not this and if this is the way of showing love in your family why don't you start loving your brother/sister same way?
Take care Good luck,
Vaidehi

 

Oh yes. I used to get lot of gifts for my elder SIL's kids before my wedding itself and continued buying them after marriage too. No I am not bosting of what i did but I loved them. When my SIL came to visit us after my marriage...she just got me tender coconut and made huge news telling people that I couldnt pay for the tender coconut when she visited us...it was my responsibility to pay for everything since they are at our home. Bloody cheap person forget everything for what I got them and her kids and advertise for the 15-20bugs spent on me. I never asked money from H to sponsor the gifts for his ppl.....I always spent from my pocket. And I cant stop them from thinking that it was I who got them gifts not her brother.

So moral of the story dont try recporicate the wrong things.....That may fall on you and ppl will easily forget the things you have done for them and say its our brother or son money, we have rights more than you. At the end you will be blamed for being greedy, money-minded and manipulative.

OP, I really suggest you to analyse your DH attitude. You know better how he will react to your comments on these things. If you think he would behave mature than you should talk him openly.

 

Don't fight with your DH dear..no point spoiling ur relations with him. Better ensure that u save enough for ur kid and u two. And wait for the time to ur BIL to get married..in fact raise the issue of finding a "good girl" for him! Once he is married u will also see how much he asks his wife to stay with her family! He is being manipulative and now it's time for u to act smart! Best of luck!

 

Very simple.

Try hard to pester your DH and F/M IL to get your BIL married.

If a girl comes, do you think she will allow to send >80% to parents?
His visits to your home will also be reduced.

 

Sorry to divert. I burst into laughter seeing your reply Am still laughing !!