1. How to Build Positivity in Married Life? : Click Here
    Dismiss Notice
  2. If someone taught you via skype, what would you want to learn? Tell us here!
    Dismiss Notice

Turned 30 - Still Virgin - Why am having such a hardluck?

Discussion in 'Life Without Spouse' started by rms1, Jun 4, 2011.

  1. rms1

    rms1 New IL'ite

    Messages:
    67
    Likes Received:
    4
    Trophy Points:
    8
    Gender:
    Female
    Hi Everybody,

    Sorry but I want to share my feelings please have patience to read my post and help me if possible.

    I just turned 30 couple of days ago but still virgin. I am feeling very sad and disgusted. Just dont know what went wrong with my life, why such hard fate? I am from gujarati jain family and I got married 2.5 when I was 27 years but my marriage only lasted for 4 months due to impotency of husband and mental torture by in-laws. Dont know why he cheated on me he should have treated himself first and then marry but why spoiled my life? I recently got legally divorced from that guy but my life messed up for no fault of mine.

    I am very much scared r/n with so much negative thoughts in my mind like what if I ever stay virgin and single throughout my whole life. What if something go wrong in second marriage also and what is the meaning of staying single even, I dont have any great loving family, I hate my sibling's behaviour towards me and on top of that, my sister's confusing relationship and my brother's tantrumatic behaviour and worries about his and my own future, I feel like commiting sucide sometimes.

    I am very insecure and very stressed out. My father is dead. My mother and my aunts uncles do not have much contacts to find right alliance or match for me. Now the only way for me is to register with such matrimonial website and local marriage beaureo, I haven't started the procedure but am planning to start process of finding a match. But the availability of candidates as per my crieteria i.e. gujarati jain (divorced) is very limited. Will I be able to find a right match out of it? What if I don't find any guy right or if I find any desired candidate then what if he rejects me? Will I be left alone throughout the whole life?

    I am not bad looking but not good looking either, I am M.com and working. I already have minus point like my divorce, I have turned 30 and weak background due to loss of father, and also I am suffering from hypothyroid. I am also not in contact with any guy to fall in love, to date or to become a girlfriend of someone. I feel like a complete loser. I am very much scared I will have to spend my life alone. I anyhow want to get married I dont want to stay single not just for getting love and happiness atleast for my safe future.

    Unfortunately due to impotency of my ex-husband I stayed virgin and before marriage I never had boyfriend. I am not good looking but also not ugly either, I am average girl, even ugly girls have bfs but nobody ever asked me for date and I am too shy to ask anyone. I am feeling disgusted. And I dont know from last month I am feeling very much aroused but dont know how to control my feeling. Sometimes I feel ashamed of myself that even at 30 I am virgin. Also I was not happy on Birthday as I felt I lost my 20s and become old and entered 30s.

    Sorry for this long but please tell me what do I do to stop feeling insecured and sad.
     
    Last edited: Jun 4, 2011
    Loading...

  2. rms1

    rms1 New IL'ite

    Messages:
    67
    Likes Received:
    4
    Trophy Points:
    8
    Gender:
    Female
    I have been using IL since last few months esp. Keep fit forum, however I posted replies to some other posts as well. I can see how easy it is to tell comforting words and to consol others but why I am finding so hard to console myself and control my feelings. I really have a very critical situation and dont understand how to find a way. My future has became very uncertain, the biggest fear I have is 1st will I be able to find a match, if not how I will put up with my own family esp. my brother throughout life and if I find then after finding what will be my future, how ppl will turn out to be. I am really worried.
     
  3. sudhachandrasek

    sudhachandrasek Bronze IL'ite

    Messages:
    127
    Likes Received:
    13
    Trophy Points:
    25
    Gender:
    Female
    Dear RMS ,
    Marriage is not everything in life.You have a job, so now concentrate on your job try to get promotion,
    you can join some yoga classes. There you will meet some new friends .That will lighten up your mind.
     
  4. rms1

    rms1 New IL'ite

    Messages:
    67
    Likes Received:
    4
    Trophy Points:
    8
    Gender:
    Female
    Thanks for replying Sudhachandrasek, I am already going to yoga, job - I dont know how much it help, I am not able to save any money and I will not able to buy a house for sure, what if my bro gets married after some years and mom will not be anymore, marriage is not everything in life - I know, but easy said then done.

    I actually did not mentioned but I also lost job this month again no fault of mine, just because MOU ended of the dept. for which I was working with the institute. This now adds to my depression and now I have tension of finding a new job.
     
    Last edited: Jun 4, 2011
  5. kAlyaniShAnti

    kAlyaniShAnti IL Hall of Fame

    Messages:
    1,614
    Likes Received:
    1,421
    Trophy Points:
    300
    Gender:
    Female

    Dear RMS,
    Everyone does not live similar life, does not encounter the same situation as others do. It is unfortunate that you had gone through a useless marriage. But on a positive note, you must be happy to see that you have come out of the mess pretty fast, within 2.5 years, right?

    That you are working and can take care of yourself is the greatest blessings of God to the women who have to go through divorce. You ARE financially secured, remember that.

    Given the family situation it is pretty apparent that you may have to take care of yourself, like finding a match for you. You can very well do that. There are many people, who in fact prefer to do that instead of depending on someone who will find a match for them.

    Try to build a circle of friends whom you will be comfortable with. Spend time constructively.

    I am really not aware of the relation between getting thirteen and remaining virgin. One does not have control over such things. Get such taboo out of your mind.

    You are quite young, remember that. Do not always think over what is not happening and what went wrong. Things happen at different times for different people. Have patience. Get out of negativity and plunge into positive thoughts and activities.

    I know I sound harsh. But there is nothing sweet things can be told to comfort you. This is YOU who have to take all the efforts to come out of the present state of mind. You are in a FAR FAR BETTER situation than many others, remember that.

    God bless
     
  6. sitara1

    sitara1 Bronze IL'ite

    Messages:
    158
    Likes Received:
    15
    Trophy Points:
    35
    Gender:
    Female
    Are you/your family very particular about caste? If you look for a good man, no matter which community he belongs to, that will broaden your search. Think about it.
     
    GlobetrotterG likes this.
  7. SkilledSailor

    SkilledSailor New IL'ite

    Messages:
    4
    Likes Received:
    2
    Trophy Points:
    3
    Gender:
    Female
    Hi Rms1,

    If its any consolation to you, I am a divorcee too. So I completly understand your feelings, fears and insecurities. I know future is all bleak and uncertain, but cheer up. Only your optimisim and determination can and will take you out from your current misery.

    Forget your past, its dead and gone. Feeling self pity and asking "why me?" questions will bring you no good. Yes, you are 30 and virgin, so what? Atleast you are out of a bad marriage. If you read various postings in forum here, there are so many girls who are stuck in bad marriage and cant seem to find a way out of it. You are only 30, will work soon and are an independant human being. You should be very thankful to god regarding that.

    This is how I console myself. After 10/20 years, when I look back at my life, it would have shaped up in either of the two ways.
    Option 1: This divorce thingy has engulfed my life, I did not recover from my past. I became a looser, everybody is just showing me sympathy for the sad part of my life.
    Option 2: I did not let divorce hamper my life. I stepped on the incident, learnt what I need to learn from it and moved on. I became successful and this divorce just seems like a bad dream.
    So its completly up to me as to how I want to shape my life up. You should also think along these lines.

    Regarding finding the right guy, yes, it will take time. Our situations are not simple. But its not impossible. Yes, register in matrimony sites. Dont blindly trust anbody on those sites as there are all kinds of people registered there. Be cautious and go ahead. But important thing is, never stop trying. That is the least you can do to yourself right now. So if you dont find the right guy, just keep trying. Somebody, somewhere is made just for you. :thumbsup

    All the very best :)
     
    GlobetrotterG and satchitananda like this.
  8. swarnalata.N.S.

    swarnalata.N.S. Platinum IL'ite

    Messages:
    1,397
    Likes Received:
    791
    Trophy Points:
    208
    Gender:
    Female
    It is a very sad tale. Like you say, it is very easy for others to give free advise, telling dont worry, be positive etc. BUt when mental agony is there, no word is going to help. You have to help yourself only.

    But one thing I can tell. change of place and surrounding will really help. Go away some place for a long holiday. Take up a new hobby. And dont think obsessed with virginity.

    You are still young . And qualified. You can be financially independent. That itself is a great strength. Dont worry , you will find a soulmate, sooner or later. If you have less tension , keep pleasant nature , you will attract people.

    Wish you all the best.
     
    GlobetrotterG and VidhyaVi like this.
  9. dream.girl

    dream.girl Silver IL'ite

    Messages:
    641
    Likes Received:
    30
    Trophy Points:
    63
    Gender:
    Female
    I am in the same boat too..

    I still remember someone saying in this forum "Getting married to a right person is more important than getting married in a right age" :thumbsup
     
    GlobetrotterG and satchitananda like this.
  10. sarada30

    sarada30 Platinum IL'ite

    Messages:
    1,974
    Likes Received:
    2,164
    Trophy Points:
    285
    Gender:
    Female
    Dear RMS,

    I am so sory for your life,

    Dont wory you will get a good person in your life start searching you will get success

    We all pray for your happy life.......
     

Share This Page